This is my first post

[healme]

To make a long story short. - 3 months after we were married my PA was trying to have an affair but didn’t as my girlfriend stop it! I ignored the sign. 15 years into our marriage I realize he was addicted to P and MB for at least 10 years. He was on the internet at least once a day. He went to SA and we went to counseling. The deal was - he had to be 150% honest with me and we agreed to stay married. There were holes in his story which I brought up in counseling but he and the counselor re-assured me that he had to be 150% honest. The anger was gone, the marriage was great! Our sex life was not as often as I would have like. I questioned “how can a man go with having MB daily to now needing it once a month” I was re-assured that he was very aware of his addiction and he had everything under control. Beside, “I saved his life” he reminded me. He also needed to let me know if there were any relapses or triggers….None since he was caught (5 years ago).
I had some triggers last week cleaning a drawer full of pictures/our memories, some good, some bad. My trigger was that I associated his pictures with his addition. I needed to talk (in the middle of the night) so we went over his story. This is when I realized his story was different, very different. You see I know his story better than he does as I went over it and over it and over it. Why? Why? Why? Where did I go wrong, why did I not see it.

I no longer need his story, as I have one of my own. I know he’s been MB not sure on the user of the internet. I know he needs his library, I also know that the cookies don’t get minimized at the bottom of my screen on their own.


Well it’s our wedding anniversary this weekend – 30 years The PA broke our marriage and the lies finished our marriage. I have never spoken about his addiction to anyone. I’ve done this is silence. I suggested that he go to a SA meeting as I believe he will need their support. I think I will end my marriage but I will not be silent anymore as I need to heal. My words will destroy this man!. I’m afraid for him.

Our marriage without this addiction is wonderful…after 30 years of marriage I still get butterflies waiting for him to come home from work.

I’m in need of some advice.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

healme-

I am so sorry. I worry sometimes that my story will be the same as yours. I already know what I would do if my husband returns to fantasyland after "recovery". I can't give you advice. I can tell you TTF can be a helpful place. Also a good piece of advice from JennMac is that the best decision at times, is to make a decision not to make a decision right now.

You will have support here no matter what you choose to do.

[JenMac]

Welcome Healme!
I am glad you have found your way here.
As WONLM has told you, we can't give you advice, we can only share our experiences with you in hopes that it will assist you on your way to healing. You don't have to make a decision today. You can opt to make decisions in your own time. I elected to wait before I decided whether to leave my marriage or not. I wanted to see where my H's recovery went before making those decisions. I also have been married over 30 years.
I can also understand WONLM's thoughts as I have also decided this is the last time I will go through this pain and heartache.
Healme, you are the only one who will make the decisions that are so all important here, so take your time to do so.
In the meantime, foster healing for yourself! I hope you find ttf to be the blessing to you that it has been to me.
Hugs for you!
Jenn

[healme]

This is a quote from Toosensitive. Thank- you

I prefer the “trauma” model, b/c it is the one that feels right for me. The “co” models feel foreign to me. That is the best way I can put it.

That is exactly how I feel..... for me, I believe that the feelings of hurt, sadness, betrayal, lack of trust and triggers will always be part of my relationship. Will I be burden with these negative emotions forever?????

My H was sober for 3 years and we were able to re-build our relationship to find out that he had a “deep” relapsed for the last 2 years. So it has come full circle again and I've been put into this position again, "I say I've been put into" as I will not accept any responsibility for this”.

Five years ago, after being caught the first time, I went "into action/healing mode" I started running, skiing, playing baseball, quilting and doing yoga. It helped me to be in a better place. It was the best thing I did for “ME”. I now have learned to have “inner peace” I believe it’s a place that everyone wants and deserves to be in. So right now I am torn between these two places……. Trauma and inner peace.


Healme
Will I be burden with these negative emotions forever?

[TooSensitive]

HealMe, I vascillate between feeling the trauma and feeling inner peace. I don’t know if the negative emotions and the effects of the trauma ever completely go away, but they do lessen with time and hard inner work. Healing ourselves works wonders to overcome the effects of the trauma. But I think that healing is perpetual, too.

It is impossible to completely avoid feeling the trauma, when we still know they are a/o in some way. We may have moments when we are able to handle it, but it always catches up to us at some point, doesn’t it? I don’t know if my h will ever learn to totally stop his behaviors, but I find it has been helping me to speak up to him about what he does that bothers me. But sometimes I let that fall by the wayside, b/c I start to think, “What’s the use?”, when he continually denies and lies about what he does.

I am just doing my best to remain strong within, so that I will keep having the ability to talk to him about what is bothering me, no matter how that makes him feel, and no matter what his reaction or response might be. But mixed in with that, I will also need to tell him about anything positive I notice, too. It can’t be all about the negative all the time, b/c that would surely make someone feel downtrodden. I think this is how my h is currently feeling. It is hard for me to focus on the positives, in the midst of so many negatives taking place. But this is something on which I am going to actively work, even though anything positive I mention to my h is quickly shot down by him. I hope that at some point, he will start allowing himself to feel good about the positives.

A good book to read that focuses on the trauma model is, “Your Sexually Addicted Spouse”, if you haven’t already read it. It doesn’t totally dismiss the co-dependent/co-addict model, but it does talk about the holes in that model, such as how it doesn’t leave room for the partner to heal from her pain. It states that not all partners automatically fit into the “co” model, though some do; that some fit into both models; and that some only fit into the trauma model. It really has to be what feels like the right fit to the partner. Yes, there is a lot of good information in the “co” literature, if you are able to take what you want and leave the rest. But I believe a lot of that same information can be found elsewhere, too. It’s just found under a different heading is all. If it’s going to help us, it has to be what we identify with, what we connect with. Everyone here has used different tools, techniques, and models of recovery to help themselves. I feel the important thing is to find what we feel will help us, and then start using it. If we go along and find it just isn’t working, we have to look closely within ourselves and figure out if it is not the right tool for us, or if it is us who isn’t using the tool correctly.

I believe we can pull ourselves out of feeling those negative emotions temporarily, but if they are still a/o, not seeking recovery, and we stay with them, then we are going to be continually subjected to feeling all these negative emotions as a result of that trauma that is inflicted upon us. Even with healing for us and recovery for them, it seems that the negative feelings are perpetual, even though they become less frequent and less intense. I do feel it is possible to learn how to manage them, even if we are never able to completely eliminate those.

The more I speak up about what is bothering me, and the more I assert myself in terms of my feelings and my interests and how I’d like to spend my time, and the more I do for me, the better my chances are of feeling that inner peace. I don’t do anything in a selfish way; I still consider my h and how he likes to spend his time, and our time. I compromise when I can. But I can’t keep sacrificing myself in ways that only benefit him, which is what happens when we stop doing altogether the things I prefer to do, and which is what happens when I stop talking about what is bothering me. Talking may not change anything in terms of how my h behaves, but it at least changes how I feel inside about myself. It strengthens me. We have to keep reminding ourselves of that fact.

HealMe, I hope you again get back to doing all those things you mentioned doing before, that helped you get to that better place within yourself. We can heal ourselves to a high degree, even if they refuse to do the same for themselves. It’s just a lot harder to do.

I hope you are able to start experiencing more of that inner peace and less of that trauma.