Everyone says this is *normal*

[rose22]

This is my first entry here in the SO journals. As I write this I am feeling so heavy. I found out my DH is back to his PA again, after a major break-up in November, and lots of counseling since. He is aware that if I catch him doing it our family will be dissolved...and yet his careful deleting of internet history is what tipped me off again, none of my passwords were being remembered. Luckily, I have a keylogger (which he IS aware of but can't gain entry to) that tells me every little detail.

I was sickened.
Crushed.

So much so that I have been unable to confront him during the past 3 days.

I've talked to my friends about this. They all say it's "normal." They laugh at me for being so upset, say I'm prudish. They tell me I should go and look at some P, hey, maybe I would enjoy it. I tell them it makes me sick. They say I am being dramatic. I tell them it's cheating, they say it's nothing of the sort. They ask how often we have sex, as though it's my fault. They don't get it at all. They make me feel like I am hurt/devastated/and broken up inside over nothing.

I can't change the way I feel about this. If I could, I would shut off the sadness like a leaky faucet and move on. I would love to feel nothing but amusement while going through his internet history. I would love to sleep soundly at night while he is locked in his office, not caring one bit whether he was working or going through 100's of P sites.

I keep asking myself what the worst part of this is. Besides the feeling of terror everytime I sit down at my computer, I'd say the worst part is living with a stranger. I've had children with this man. I've allowed myself to trust, love, and respect this person with every part of my being. I would NEVER imagine doing anything to knowingly hurt him, even if it was an addiction. I would do anything to protect him from hurts. And yet...he thinks so very little of me that he can't even do the same. He covers and lies about everything to the point that I wonder if I am crazy...I doubt what I see. I have to look and look again to believe it. This makes him a stranger to me. I recognize his face, the way that he moves, the sound of his voice. And yet his thoughts, desires, and motives totally unknown.

I marvel at the number of SO's on here who have had the strength and love to stay. I don't know how they do it. I don't want to walk away, I want to run. My only fear is that if I do, I will never love another person again.

[bethann27]

I've talked to my friends about this. They all say it's "normal." They laugh at me for being so upset, say I'm prudish. They tell me I should go and look at some P, hey, maybe I would enjoy it. I tell them it makes me sick. They say I am being dramatic. I tell them it's cheating, they say it's nothing of the sort. They ask how often we have sex, as though it's my fault. They don't get it at all. They make me feel like I am hurt/devastated/and broken up inside over nothing.

So sorry that you are having to deal with this whole thing. Take time to read what others have so openly shared here . . . it will help you begin to see that you are not alone.

What I quoted above is exactly what happened to me almost every time I would find the courage to open up to someone. You will find understanding without judgement here.

[Hibiscus]

Welcome, Rose. I'm very sorry about the reasons you find yourself on TTF, but very glad you found us for the support you will find. Every SO on this board completely understands the pain and anguish you feel. Not one person will question that or ever need you to justify it or explain. You will find a sense of relief as you read through other SOs journals. Our stories may differ in the specifics, but the pain and emotion are the same. Everyone here "gets it".

[JenMac]

Hi Rose!
Welcome to your journal!
Rose, I chose to share this with no one! No one in my everyday life knows that my H and I have been going through this turmoil for the past 15 months. I chose not to tell them because I knew they could not understand my feelings unless they had lived through what I had. I didn't want their opinions and judgments. I didn't want their pity or downplaying of my experiences.
What exactly is normal in all of this anyway? Is it normal to hide activities from the person you love? Is it normal to go ahead and do something knowing only too well how devastated it will be to your partner when they find out? Is it normal to risk your long term relationship for the thrill of a quick fix? Is it normal to view material that does nothing but degrade and abuse women in the most extreme way? Is it normal to turn away from your partner in search of the intimacy that should be found within that relationship?
Rose, don't let people negate your feelings! You know how this affects you and your H! I went with that line of thought when I first found out too. Was I overreacting? Those thoughts lasted for all of about a few hours before I knew for certain that was not true for me. I never felt that way prior to discovery and I haven't felt that way since. I know only too well how this has affected our lives and I think you do as well! Be true to your thoughts and feelings Rose. You can't go wrong when we follow our hearts!
Sending hugs and prayers!
Jenn

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

rose-

Only you know exactly what goes on in your house and only you know if it is detrimental to your relationship. Not your friends.

In my marriage... this "normal" activity meant the following things:

lying
hiding
lack of sx
impotence
distraction
disinterest in family, school, work, health
EVERYTHING was second place to P.

Also, just P quickly became not enough and escalated to chatting, phone sx, and who knows what else. All the time. He risked his family and career for this "normal" activity. I was rejected physically and emotionally. I thought my husband just didn't like sx. It turns out, he did, just not with me.

Only you know what this takes away from your relationship. And I don't care if everyone on earth declared this to be normal. That doesn't mean it is true. I decided that I would not live with this in my marriage. I don't control my husband, but I gave him a choice. Get help and no more P EVER, or I walk. He has been through therapy and 12 step groups and he has changed his life. So, I stay. But if he chooses once, even once, to throw his life away on P, I walk. I can't imagine at this point why on earth he would go back after all he has learned.

Anyway, sorry to be so long winded. You are not alone. Write you own journal or write it here. Get your thoughts together. But don't apologize for having standards and demanding your husband live up to his marriage vows. Love, cherish and forsake all others. That is not too much to ask.

[Kathy]

Hi Rose,
First, l too welcome you to TTF...this is a great place to be - the community support is wonderful. Second, instead of repeating what the other lovely SO's have written above, I will just end this note to you stating "ditto"...
Take care,
Kathy

[maggie]

Dearest Rose...

You are not " prudish " for becoming upset when your H hides in the back room looking at videos and pics of naked females.

No... you are quite normal Rose... If you were hosting a wine & cheese for the girls..while your H was downloading pics of naked women and having a selfish time for himself I guess then lots of people would have lots of labels for you... but not prudish!!

You are having normal-human reactions. Any other reaction to your life partner viewing lots of pics..would be strange.

You are normal and healthy. That is step # 1

and WONLM... big lecture heading your way !!

I thought my husband just didn't like sx. It turns out, he did, just not with me.

He wasn't having sex.. sex as an intimate bonding between two people. He was acting out to arousal by visuals with only one selfish person... that was himself. It's not that he didn't enjoy sx with you... he was acting out with and by himself.

[fragileego]

It is surreal in some way how so many partners of PA's come to these boards and express virtually the same sentiments. I feel I could have written what you wrote. Does that, then, make all of us abnormal?

I grew very impatient towards others who expressed these sorts of sentiments, or said that partners who don't want their partners watching porn are insecure and/or controlling. Maybe we just don't like porn. Maybe we see it as degrading and/or hurtful. Maybe we simply have different values than those who like it do. We aren't the ones hurting people, and especially not our loved ones. Our feelings are equally valid.

But at any rate, the argument "everyone else is doing it" is a logically flawed one. If everyone else was hurting others, than that would simply not make it okay.

I'm sorry you're here, but glad that you've found this site. I hope you're able to find some comfort and healing here.

[TooSensitive]

You won't find anyone here who thinks it's "normal". We may be outnumbered, but, our numbers are growing, daily it seems.

I feel strongly that we must believe in ourselves, and we must uphold what we feel strongly in our hearts to be right - no matter what anyone else is telling us. But I do understand questioning things, esp. in the beginning. That's what I did, too. I discovered later it was only my own form of denial at play. I no longer deny how it all makes me feel inside.

I am sorry you find yourself here, but you have found the right place to help you through your struggles. This is a heartbreaking experience for all of us, but I've found that out of the ashes can rise something great.

[astander]

Not everyone says it's normal. I don't think it's normal, and neither does anyone on this forum, and neither does anyone with any sense at all.

But your post made me so sad, because I do know that lots of people think it's normal. That's part of this ugly battle. Welcome to it.