hesaysimperfect<3's journal

[hesaysimperfect<3]

Well I'm new here to TTF. Just became a full member, but I have been reading through the forum for about the past month. Thanks to everyone who has given me advice and shown kindness.

I brought my knowledge of my boyfriend's extensive use of P to his attention a few months ago. Honestly it wasn't the idea of him watching P and MB that bothered me, it was the sort of P he was into and the shear volume of his computer collection. I'm talking hundreds and hundreds of pictures and videos he had dowloaded in addition to the sites he frequented on the web. It all started pretty early in our relationship. He's a wonderful romantic, a real stand-up and driven guy, but because I've been hurt in the past I found myself being weary and clicking through his internet history anyway while he showered. I saw a few websites and honestly I didn't really mind but then... I saw it. There was one specific genre that he included in his regime which made me horrified and scared. This genre struck home in a terrible way for me because it was directly tied to abuse I experienced in my past. I confronted him immediately, leaving out my personal ordeal, but I was still hysterical. He said that he really cared for me, he was mortified and that it would END that night.

It got worse before it got better, naturally. In fear of betrayl, I checked his internet history whenever I could. It was during one of these sessions I came across more of the unacceptable material (that he promised to get rid of) as well as discovering his file "stash" where those hundreds of saved P videos and pictures were hidden. I realized this was a bigger problem then I could have ever expected. Not only did he have this unhealthy fixation on something that made me entirely uncomfortable, but he also watched TONS of P on a daily, ritualistic basis. I didn't leave because I loved him, of course, but it was combined with a general concern for his emotional and psychological health, given his "attractions". Over the past 2 months, I have revealed my painful and personal experience with that certain genre (I'll just call it the traumatic from here on out), and we have been trying to get P out of his life. He started out so strong; Swearing to never view the traumatic, deleting all P videos and pictures from his computer, any potential triggers in his personal environment, installing accountability software, and making an account here on TTF. I was very happy and felt such a connection of faith in him. Then he relapsed the first of several times..

We made an agreement that he would not MB and we would not have S for 30 days as a sort of detox to prepare him for this journey towards a P free life. When he got an itch from his P/MB addiction (which was often) he didn't seek out his old avenues of looking at P, but he created new ones instead. Household magazine models, sitcom actresses, a passerby, a co-worker.. they became his P. He would entertain these inappropriate thoughts and give into his urges to MB. He was honest with me and consistantly told me of his slip-ups, but when I would try and talk them out with him the excuses and rationalizations started.

"Men can't help but look. I can't stop myself from seeing an attractive woman and it puts me in a certain mindset I can't control. I can't promise you that I won't find other women attractive and think about them in 'that' way. I'm really trying here, I've given up a lot and it's so tough for me. I have a lot of S drive and since all my other outlets are gone, I don't believe checking other women out will go away."

Even though I had my objections to the above logic, I felt like he WAS trying... that traumatic has not come back and that was most important to me. Even though I strongly believed that P and MB were avenues that would definately lead him back to the traumatic, I convinced myself that maybe cold turkey is too harsh of a request. I foolishly agreed we would have S and that I would "allow" him to MB only to thoughts of he and I (Ha, right) in order to quell his withdrawls. I felt like things were doing well at this level until I discovered a relapse he elected not to inform me of... right after a romantic anniversary celebration; using the internet and a social networking site to MB to pictures of his old/out-of-contact aquaintances. He told me that no matter what, he would always be attracted to other women--that it was natural of a man and it was unrealistic of me to ask him for loyalty in that aspect--that it was harmless for him to MB and to MB occasionally to other women. I was crushed. We argued, I had a stiff drink to dull the backstab, and woke up with him out to work and a horrible feeling in my stomache. What was I going to do? I decided to get tough. I made a list of new agreements for us. I told myself when he got home, I would be firm and present them as all or nothing. I wasn't going to be linient or waiver. I asked that he:

- Only use the internet for must do tasks.
- If he objectifies women by "checkin' em out", analyze those thoughts for what they truely are (lust) and then dismiss them instead of entertaining them.
- Visit TTF and read 7 articles a week, start a journal, and use it as a support system during weak moments.
- Drop the defeatest attitude and stop making excuses and rationalizing his relapses.
- No MB or S for 30 days, re-introduced.
- Still no P or the traumatic, ever again, but this time with a more clarified definition (anything viewed with the intention of lustful pleasure).

I said that if he couldn't agree to these terms then I could no longer endure this emotional wreckage and he would have to leave. He said it was too much... He couldn't stop MB for that long. I kicked him out in a hurricane of yelling, throwing, screaming and door slamming. I regretted it as soon as he pulled off. He's been gone for a few days now, back to his mother's and is contacting me every time I turn around, it seems. I feel the strangest mix of relief and devastation that he is gone from me now. I really do want him back and want to give it another shot, but I am very discouraged and completely spent. I am hoping that he comes around to the terms and gives them an honest shot this time, no excuses, before we call it quits for good.

[JenMac]

HI there H!
I am sorry for all you are going through!
I am glad that you have some time apart for you to determine what it is you want/need in this, what it is you are prepared to accept and what you know you cannot.
I am so glad you have found this forum H! I hope you find it to be as healing to you as it has been to me.
Your bf has a huge problem. It is his problem to beat but it affects you greatly. You have come to a good place to begin to put things in place in order to move forward, either together or apart. You will make those decisions as you go along, but for now, take this time apart to foster peace for yourself. Determine what you are willing to offer in support of him. Determine what boundaries you are not willing to allow to be crossed. This is your life too H and you have a right to decide what is in your best interest.
I am glad you are here!!
Jenn

[Cupcakemomma]

Oh Sister do I feel ya! I have a man with tastes that bring back floods of horrific memories too. I'm sorry you found yourself here, but I promise there is NO better place to find the support and kindness to work through this all.

[hesaysimperfect<3]

Thank you ladies. TTF has already made me feel so supported during this very lonely ordeal.

Yesterday eveing my PA and a talked extensively about the root of his wandering eyes. I had always asked him if he though I was attractive; he always kisses and hugs me and tells me I'm lovely, beautiful... he says i'm perfect. But last night, or rather early early this morning, it came over me like a HUGE wave--he checks out other women because they have certain ideals, merely physical, that he believes I lack. I asked him what he thought of my looks, honestly, but no matter what I said to him, he just would not come out with it. I know him. I believe the connection I have with him is spiritual, which is why I can read him like a children's book. I suppose I thought that while we were split up maybe he wouldn't hold back anymore, which is another issue he has. I guess it's because he really does care for me... or at least my feelings. Or maybe he dodges certain bullets like that so we won't argue and it keeps me happy (he's admitted to that already on another occasion).

Lord knows all I want is to be enough for him. I've always struggled with my figure. I'm an ethnic woman and I was blessed with lovely curves. It's taken me all of my life to learn to really love that about me. It seems like that's not the norm anymore even though it has been since the dawn of time. Hips and bosom as a thing of beauty are far gone. In truth I love my figure... but he and other men from my past make me hate it. I am very healthy, I eat right and I'm a dancer so my muscle tone is greater than most women, which I take pride in. But muscle sure does play tricks with your head on the scale. Don't get me wrong I could stand to burn some fat, I get a bit lazy during my college semesters, but It's like that's the LAST thing I want to do right now. I feel like shedding even 1lb would be giving in to him. Even though he's never dared to say, I KNOW he wishes deep down in his twisted little heart that I was thinner.

I always get complimented on my looks; male and female aquaintances acknowledge I am beautiful... even his co-workers! Even male strangers stare and smile at me and I'm not that naive, I can tell when I'm being noticed. It makes me feel so good. Just the other day I was out shopping with his mother and in the food store I was getting all kinds of looks. I was feeling so down in the dumps.. I barely managed to make myself presentable that morning, but I wore my new blouse and a bit of eyeliner (the only makeup I ever wear because my beautify is natural). Gosh did it make me feel great. With one guy, I found myself smiling back while checking for fruit bruises... making small talk... I was flirting! Goodness! I felt bad for NOT feeling bad about it at that moment.

Crazy right? Usually when I'm out with my C (my PA's first initial) it's like tunnel vision and every other guy is barely a blip. I walk with C, gazing at him like a highschooler, admiring him. Other guys noticing me almost disgust me when I with him... heck even when he isn't there! But on that occasion at the store I was tempted to take that guy's number. He offered, but I politely told him no and that I had someone... NO I DON'T! At least not someone who made me feel that gorgeous in let's say... about 4 months. Gee.. I haven't felt much of anything besides despair and helplessness for that amount of time. I was so down in the slumps that just a smile and some gentleman acknoledgement made me feel like I was ontop of the world. Now that's a shame. Boy do I have to work on my self esteem.

C and I have been on this "break" for about 4 days. It seems like a lifetime. I am very bonded to this man. I haven't been sleeping well and when I finally catch a few winks, my head is full with dreams of him. I wake up with a lingering sadness and that exaughsts me even more. I just want him to stop putting me through this so we can be in love again. After food store guy, I've been trying to tell myself that I am beautiful and that C is just using my looks as another excuse for his wandering eyes. I think he's grown so comfortable with my love, my patience, my giving nature and support that he justifies himself to think I'M the one lacking something HE "needs". I know looks are important to people. You can't help but see unless you are blind so looks and attractiveness are what initially draw us to someone... okay that's like 2% of a compatability factor. He always tells me I'm so warm and so intellegent... so those things and others make up the other 98% of why he's in a relationship with me but my LOOKS are what he dwells on?

This is a w-t-f moment for me. I mean, yes I find my C attractive, but initially, on looks alone, I found him to be average, maybe less personal preferance. That's when I didn't know jack about him, but as my feelings for him grew he's become the most attractive man in the GALAXY to me. Is it just me? My love for him makes him SO attractive and handsome to me I can't bear to think of anyone else that could ever replace him in my mind. That other 98% of him is what makes me madly in love with and drawn to him... and I would never even dare tell anyone he was anything less that a 10 if they asked, "how would you rate him on looks?" Ugh. I've come to terms he doesn't view me in that perspective... at least not all the time. When we're fighting or when he's out alone left to his P thoughts, I believe he analyzes my "worth." I believe he is a good man, I really do.. but the P monster has CORRUPTED his view of what a REAL WOMAN looks like and carries herself and he feels like he's missing out on something if he commits himself to me.

AGH! That there's what drives me NUTS. You know he asks me, since my bust is a bountiful one, "Will they sag when you get older?" Uhm DUH and so will your family jewels and that nice bottom you have sir, but did I ever ONCE make those things out to be the tiniest fraction of important to me? NO! I think he believes that there are some bosoms that remain perky for all time, as if preserved in ice or something. Hmm.. wonder if it could be all those silicon stuffed p girls who have ongoing careers and the "same" pair they had 10 years ago. You would think a guy would be enthusiastic about a lady with a bust like mine. I love my girls and so does he.. but at the end of the day he worries "If they're not going to look like this forever, maybe I should call it quits or seriously evaluate if I'm willing to accept that." THE NERVE! Man does that boil my blood! I feel like he's so misguided it's pitiful--and I pity him! Not in the poor loser way but in the poor baby way.

I know I'm a good catch, not just in looks but as a TOTAL package! I will not let my self esteem be driven into the ground by ANOTHER shallow man. I might just go back to the store and get that guy's number. Hmph! We'll see how much bust sag will matter to C then when I start taking advantage of our break and stepping out with a new suitor. If only I had the gall C has..

[hesaysimperfect<3]

It is great to be here!

[JenMac]

Hi H!
It would seem to me that you are falling into the trap of thinking this is about you and your looks, which by the way is very hard NOT to do. However, since you seem to know that you have a lot to offer to a partner, I encourage you to try to think in terms of that instead of in what you think your H feels you are lacking. As has been said many times over, this addiction is not really about us and what we are lacking but instead about them and what they are lacking.
When we worry about our body parts and how they compare to others, we are only denigrating our worth to that of the physical. Physical beauty is in the eye of the beholder and there will always be someone who can be judged to be more beautiful, younger, slimmer, more toned etc. etc. etc. Physical beauty is also very often manufactured and so either way it makes it very hard to compete with all of that. I refuse to compete! I am what I am. I choose not to judge the people I care about by their physical 'beauty' and so I don't expect to be judged in that manner either.
All of us age H. All of us will eventually lose youth. When we or others judge us on that alone, it is a sad thing indeed. The heart and soul of a person is so much more important. That is more apt to be where you will find true beauty!!
Don't let others define you H! Be true to yourself!
Jenn

[hesaysimperfect<3]

You are so right Jenn! Beauty is in the eye of beholder. I know that everyone has a type and an ideal, and I know the importance of that rangers from person to person. It isn't logical of me to try and fit into any mold. I really do love myself and my figure. My confidence in that could use a little tuning up and that will come with new ways of thinking about this PA my C has.

I was rolling around in bed yesterday morning after my last posting... It was 2pm already and I just couldn't get up. I got so angry at him and that anger turned to dispair. The self-esteem monster was pulling me into his cave and it took a call from a friend to pull me out of there. Boy am I glad she called. I suppose it's a good thing that it's so difficult to keep people out when you're going through a really bad time... I had pretty much been avoiding all calls and cancelling all my dates with folks. Chatting with her for a good hour gave me the umph to get up out my rut. I was almost ready to cancel my plans with a girlfriend later in the day and just eat icecream and tune in to Jerry Springer for some good old fashion man-bashing. I am so glad I did not do that.

I had my friend over after all. She and I have been very close since grade school, but I haven't told even her the full extent of C's PA and what it has done to our relationship. Maybe it's because I'm embarassed... she's always looked up to me and I worry that she may question my judgement. Or maybe it's because I'm protecting C. I haven't stopped loving him one drop and I don't want anyone else to think lowly of him either. I promised myself that the next time she asked me "What's really up between you guys?" I'm going to tell her the bloody honest truth. Just, yesterday I needed my mind off of C and his ridiculous indecisiveness about his own future with PA as well as ours together. My best friend K and I choreographed some routeins for our dance students, went out for a great dinner, and then came back for some self-pampering and some good conversation over soothing music.

I had a great time yesterday. I needed it! The weather was beautiful and the sun was so bright it made me feel rejuvinated. I had been wanting to get out of the house since C and I split but I never really got out until yesterday. It was so refreshing to see all the happy people and all the playing kids and teenagers skating around after school. I wanted to be one of them! I wanted to feel like I didn't have a care in the world. I wanted to feel like I didn't care about P or C's attachment to it. I wish you could just take bad emotional things out of your system, I wish there was a medication for that. It's like a virus though, you have to ride them out. I know it will be over sooner or later so I did try my best to enjoy yesterday and I did.

After my friend left, I told C that I wanted to see him so we could talk (no screaming this time) about feelings and such. I'm really hoping I can get him on TTF like when we first started on this path. Apparently his mother bought him a book, Every Man's Battle, I think he said the title was. Any of you heard of it? I want to read this book too, maybe we can go through a chapter or two together. All I want to do is hug and kiss him, but I'm going to try my best to keep this as neutral as possible in light of our current status... not a couple. I know he's been missing me a lot and I've been missing him too so maybe I'm asking for trouble, having him over. He's supposed to be here at 5 this evening. This will be the first time we've sat down together and talked about P since I threw him out. I am a little worried, but I'm not freaking out or anything. I believe we'll get along fine, have some dinner... he probably misses my food.

I'll be keeping TTF in my thoughts and I hope all my readers will keep me in their's. Pulling on my strength.

[TooSensitive]

H, that is how I began working on my own healing – by working on my own self-esteem. I knew that was the backbone of who we are and all we are. Once we have that, the other things begin to fall into place. It’s not that it solves all our problems, but it sure makes dealing with our problems far easier.

It is hard to build it back up again, when we are still enduring their negative behaviors – but it’s not impossible. Just more difficult.

I have heard of that book before, though I haven’t read it. There are a lot of good books out there for the reading. Maybe if he reads the book, it will be a good start in opening up his eyes.

I am glad you are doing healing things for yourself, such as spending time with your friends. Getting back to a life that didn’t involve isolation any longer was part of what helped me in my healing.

Keep pulling on your strength! I am glad you know it's there; I can see it too, even from over here. It will serve you well!

[kbr]

H, My husband is also reading that book and I really thought about reading it but then realized that this book is a part of his recovery and I really need to focus on my recovery and healing. I am like you in many ways. I am embarrassed to share this with people and to be honest, I think it is better that my friends don't know all of the details. This addiction can hit any marriage. To most people my marriage is perfect and we attend church and bible study weekly. Most think we are the example of how marriage should look. But the reality is that we are dealing with this issue just like so many others. Like you, I also thought this was about my physical faults and, like you, I am ethnic and get compliments from people all of the time. My husband get mad if any guy looks at me let alone actually says anything to me. He doesn't even want his friends to tell me I am beautiful. It is crazy because he still looks at P and the women look nothing like me. I am petite but still felt the need to lose weight. I had to learn that his addiction does not define me and it does not control how I view myself. It was not easy nor was it pleasant to change my mindset but it was needed. We as SO's have to support our PA's through this but we have been hurt by their actions and have to support ourselves so we can truly help them work toward recovery. I love you for your willingness to share in your journal and I know it sucks to be here but I have learned that this is truly the best place to be.

Continue to work on you,

KBR

[Hopeful]

Hey H,

Every Mans Battle was the very first book my H read. It hit him like a ton of bricks how he had treated me during those years. I'd say he's off to a good start!!