Please help me

[dawn1952]

I KNEW he was going upstairs to look at P. He said he was going out at 7:30 and I reminded him that his appointment wasn't until 8:30. He got happy and said then he could leave at 7:45! Then he tells me he needs to study his autoCAD before he leaves. Triggers big time for me.

The thing is, he got up this morning all happy. He even shaved, which is unlike him. He was sweet to me, but he said he hopes our relationship won't break up over this (his P). I'd told him that I know that when he says he's studying, he's not. He didn't raise his voice and I didn't raise mine, but he just told me that he feels bad that I take his lack of sexual attraction to me as a rejection of me altogether. He also said that he knows that someone along the line has been attracted to me. (That's supposed to make me feel better?) He said he's not cheating on me.

I told him that, to me, P is cheating. He even laughed at me. He said, cheating is cheating. In other words, with a woman, in person.

Even when he left, he was sweet and kissing me. Immediately, I'm thinking why? Is he meeting someone? I've heard the stories about how, if they're really sweet and different, it could be a red flag. I've gotten so suspicious.

After he left, I looked at his computer. Really, I knew what I'd find and I did. I guess I was also looking for signs that he's got someone on the side, which I didn't find. That should make me feel better, right? Well, it doesn't. From the minute he went up to "study" to the minute I walked by his room and just looked at him and he guiltily said he should leave, he'd been looking at teenage girls! (The websites say they're 18; I guess I have to believe them, but I really don't.) Oh, but he doesn't like young women! Hah! BS.

I'm shaking right now. I don't know why he has to get his rocks off on P at 7:30 in the morning, with me just having made him a cup of coffee and we're sitting together drinking our coffee! He's crazy! He can sit there making conversation about what kinds of flowers we should plant in the back yard and the next minute be perusing girls with their legs spread! And I see what kind of bodies he likes and it makes me cry so much!!!! I'm NOT them, I'm NOT GOING TO BE them.

I'm supposed to go out and get my oil changed, get my hair done, and go to the gym today. Do I want to? He** no! I want to die. Okay, not really. I already felt like crying when I got up (like I do a lot these days) and now I just don't want to face my day at all. I just don't know if I have the strength to do this. How can he be so sweet, claim to love me (he said he really, really loves me). And why did he bring it up TO ME when he's always avoiding it at all costs? IS he cheating? What's he doing? I'm scared. I hate myself that I'm so suspicious.

I don't know what anyone's going to say to me to make me feel better. I just keep plodding along figuring that eventually the answer will come to me and I'll either stay or go.

I think P is cheating. That's how I feel. I told him that and I said it comes from my heart. I kept my voice calm, I didn't yell, I didn't cry in front of him. I suppose it's a start, right? But God help me! I feel like I'm going crazy. I can't stand him putting his sexual energy into this any more! I can't stand how he runs to P whenever he's anxious or nervous or sad -- or even happy, apparently. I don't trust him. That makes me scared, too. Isn't there anyone in this world I can trust any more?

Sorry to rant. I can barely see the screen right now.

[JenMac]

HI Dawn!
If you feel it's cheating, it's cheating. Plain and simple.
He is putting his s*xual energies into something other than your relationship. He is not fulfilling his obligations to you. He is not concerning himself with how you feel about this. He is not honouring your relationship.
You are not crazy. You are experiencing what we have all experienced.
What you choose to do about it is what will determine your own wellbeing.
You have tried to set it aside to find peace for yourself. Hard to do, for me I realized it was not possible to remain in a relationship where there was P. You will make those decisions when you feel ready and able. I hope you can find that strength sooner than later, as I believe that this will only continue to damage you.
I am so sorry you are living through this. I am so sorry for your pain! Been there Dawn, it is a terrible place!
Sending you hugs and prayers! May you find some peace in your day today!
Jenn

[dawn1952]

[QUOTE=JenMac;67899]

He is putting his s*xual energies into something other than your relationship. He is not fulfilling his obligations to you. He is not concerning himself with how you feel about this. He is not honouring your relationship.

I never knew it could hurt this bad. And, a lot of the time, I can just try to put it out of my mind, do something else, something to not hurt. There have even been times when I've just laughed it off as something a stupid 15-year-old boy does (why can't he grow up????) But when he does something as blatant as he did this morning, when even after we discussed how I feel about it, he goes off and immediately does it -- I feel slapped in the face.

Then, I come home, he's here and he thinks I'm going to sit on the couch and watch tv with him!!!! I just want to get away from him.

Yes, I will make the decisions when I feel ready and able. And I'm also hoping I can find this strength sooner than later, before I completely fall apart.

Thanks for your hugs and prayers, Jenn. On a good note, my daughter just told me she's pregnant with her second baby. So, now I'm a mixture of happy AND sad tears, but at least some of it's good.

[Hopeful59]

Yep, the pain of knowing that your spouse prefers some porno princess is pretty terrible. I know how devastated I was, how alone I felt, how much I resented my husband, how stupid and rejected I felt. My big discovery was close to a year ago and I demanded it cease or I was gone. As far as I know, the porn use has stopped. But, what bothers me still is (1) the lack of trust - I will never again trust him like I used to and (2) my suspicion that his attitude towards porn has not really changed at all. That is sad for me.

[dawn1952]

Finally, the relationship is breathing its last breaths. We broke up a couple of weeks ago, then decided I'd live with my daughter and "date". Didn't work. What happened is that we just got back to the place where we were -- angry and ready to quit. At least, that's where I am.

When we first separated, it was because all he wanted to do was fight with me and blame it on me. My daughter had been battered by her boyfriend and I was helping her, staying with her and the baby, and so I wasn't home as much. It had only been about a week, but he just couldn't let me be there for her, he had to be proud and indignant and push the fact that he'd been happy when I wasn't around. I said, okay, if that's the case I'm gone. He agreed and I left. But what did I do? I had panic attacks and couldn't imagine never seeing him again. I called him and asked if we could just date for a while, I could live with my daughter and help her pick up the pieces of her life and, if we'd discovered the reasons why we loved each other and wanted to, we could try again. I have no idea why I did this because I KNOW he won't change, he's NOT going to stop looking at P, and he's not going to touch me "until I get fit".

The problem began when suddenly I'm spending the night with him again a couple of nights a week. I felt sucked back in and a little smothered. But he was being so sweet... (hah!) Looking at his history, he was still looking every day. Last night, I stayed here and when we got up, he started taking offense at every thing I said. I told him I think we didn't give our separation enough chance and I want to stop spending the night, no every day contact, but if he wants to pick me up and go for a ride or out for dinner, we could do that sometimes. So, today we're going out for a few hours, and trying to be friends. Don't know if it will work and I still think he thinks I'll eventually come back -- but we'll see. I don't think I will ever want to live with him again. I'm starting to feel good about being out of the place where all I can think of is his obsession and I can't see any way of things getting better for me.

[JenMac]

Hi Dawn,
Must be so hard to let go of someone you care for so much, someone you love. While I was reading your post though it reminded me of letting go of something that is so very harmful to us, similar to when we give up something we love but that is not really good for our wellbeing. ie. other addictions like smoking, overeating etc.
While we may feel like we love those things, it may take living free of them for a time for us to realize how much better we feel without them and how much harm they are actually doing to us.
The callous way that your H addresses you is harmful to your health and wellbeing and it needs to addressed directly and swiftly if you are to regain some inner peace. By addressed I am not even referring to speaking with him, but addressed in your own mind and psyche. You need to kick any and all of those thoughts to the curb! They are not worth your time or consideration!
By all means do things that will make you feel better about yourself, care for yourself, but do that for you and your inner self, not for a man that doesn't yet recognize that the issues he is expressing to you say much more about him than they ever will about you!
I am glad you are in a better place Dawn! I believe it is necessary for your healing!!
Hugs and prayers being sent your way!!
Jenn

[Charly22]

I totally agree with everything Jen says!!! And while I understand how it must've felt when you first were away from him, with the panic attacks and wanting to make everything work. But the truth is, the fact that he is not respecting you and you keep making yourself available is going to keep that type of inner turmoil bubbling inside. As long as he can still be with you, and keep looking at his p, he is going to be sweet and happy and all that. Let the p not be accesible, and it'll all fall apart again.

Now that you are away, and feeling stronger about that, stand strong. You are in a better position to get stronger inside, and let him miss you, and let him think about things, and let him know that you need what you need, bottom line. It won't be easy. It won't be comfortable. But it is what is required....here is something from my own journal, from one of the long time recovered pa's here on this website, Foolish Mind, I think it applies to your situation as well:


I lied, I cried, I yelled and screamed, I manipulated, I offended, I disrespected for years because I had the confidence that My wife will always be there, and that she needed me, and as long as I get smarter, eventually she will not know about my P usage, or she will finally accept it.

It is ONLY, let me say this again....IT IS ONLY BECAUSE i believed that this time when my wife threatened divorce, I just knew she had enough. I knew she had already prepared to move out, everything was ready.

It was hours after acknowledging that, that i began to be honest with myself and started to realise this was my fault, and not hers. ONLY THEN, i REALISED. and it was ONLY THEN, i began to open my eyes and and weigh things up, and it was a matter of reading TTF for just a few hours that confirmed I really did have a problem, and I really did chose my wife, my family and my life over Porn. Shouldnt be much to weigh up should it, but back then in the mindset I had, it really was.

Seriously, previous threats of divorce, I was not thinking about her, I was thinking about cool, I will get a bigger screen, I can watch P whenever I want. CRAAAAZY, but thats how I thought, I was actually planning my single disgusting life with me and room and P.

OF course this is cheating! I never realised that before, but hell, I was ready for my wife to leave and P to move in permanently! SICK!

your husband has way too much confidence in you, and that is why you are still where you are. That is not a fault of yours. It is clearly because you are such a loving, caring and loyal wife. But I think its time to seriously step up the respect for yourself.

No matter what you make him do, recovery nation worksheets, counselling, therapy, rehab, NOTHING WILL WORK, unless he realises this is not right, and its not for him.

To him, you are still the issue, and not P.

Sorry for the over harshness, but yet again, warm and fluffies, are simply going to cloud the issue.

Every single member here wants you to Be happy, Heck you want to be happy.
So dont be a passenger now, get in the driving seat, and control this.



I think the above advice from Foolish Mind most certainly applies to where you are right now. And he's right. Your husband needs to see that you cannot tolerate this. Are you to that point? That point that you cannot tolerate it? Then let it be known, and draw your line in the sand, and protect yourself and your heart and take care of you, you have to.

[dawn1952]

First of all, Charly and Jenn, I want to thank you for your posts. Everything you said hits home.

Speaking of hitting home, I thought I might not look at his computer but then I did. I'm working from the office at "home" and his office is right next door, so... I gotta wonder if I'm really wanting to be mad at him and that's why I do it. Anyways... I looked. And I'm disgusted. And I'm grossed out, and I'm shaking and I'm wondering what it's going to take for me to walk away from him. With every time I see who he's been gawking at that day is coming closer and closer.

But I'm afraid of the panicky feelings. Why do I GET them???? I want them to go away, I want to feel my own strength and I DO when I think about how it's unacceptable to me that he's lusting for these women. I DO when I just don't support his excuse that they're "not real". Yes, they're pixels on a computer screen, BUT they're also real women. They're NOT cartoons like he's called them, no one drew them with pen and paper out of their heads! Somewhere they're real women really hanging themselves out for everyone to see! And that makes me mad, too because I just don't get the concept that lets you rationalize hanging out everything you have for the world to look at. To me (and if this makes me a prude, so be it), you let your lover see this and it's special and you're cherished. Because of P, this part of a woman -- of ME! -- is dirtied and made an object. That hurts me so much that he can't cherish me, that I can't share this part of me with him and he'll know that it's a special, intimate moment I'm having with him -- it's not "just sex" like he calls it!

I want to be the prize. He's yelled at me that I think I need to be ALL of his sexuality! and, like a doormat, I've said no -- but no more!!!! I DESERVE to be all of his sexuality!!!! I deserve to be the prize HE wins and he's NOT doing a good job of winning me. In fact, he doesn't deserve me at all and he's proving it time and time again. So, as much as the tears come easily when I think of living without him (because, crazily, I DO love him), I have to stand my ground and before I come back to him (if I really do), he's going to hear me say that I won't live with a man who gawks at other women, who lusts after them, who cheats on me in his heart. I deserve better. I know I do, I'm just addicted to him, that's all.

[JenMac]

Dawn, I am sorry for your pain! but I completely agree with everything you wrote here. In fact, very early on in our journey, I told mac, 'If I am not enough for you, then perhaps you are not enough for me'. I truly believe that.

Jenn

[astander]

We all know exactly what you're going through. all the things you've described have happened to me, and I'm sure to most if not all the SOs here. My husband has also claimed that I'm trying to control him by being all his sexual energy (or something along those lines). But the fact is, he promised to forsake all others when we got married. That was the whole point of getting married. Those whores are "others." And that's a fact. He's cheating and there's no way around it. My husband likes to look at very young, flat chested girls. I'm very sure they are not 18. It's disturbing, to say the least.

You're not addicted to him, you just love him, that's all. Coming to grips with the loss is very very difficult. I know how you feel.