Just when I think I'm getting stronger...

[cvanden]

No need to apologize to me. It makes me angry because I've felt that way...I've done that self torture and I'm familiar with that little girl who takes on the responsibility she shouldn't.

I love water aerobics (shallow water to start) and walking. They are a great way to get started and easy on your joints and knees. I've never been one to be motivated about exercise. I'm an emtional and stress eater from wayyyy back. Do you have a YMCA nearby? They are really affordable and will work with you if membership fees are too steep. I've found it to be less stressful or intimidating that regular gyms or "clubs".....less meat markety and more friendly/helpful.

TTF is an awesome addition to the other supports you have going.

Not sure what your business is but maybe it would help to set yourself one small goal today. Make one contact. And then go from there. I know that when I was working from home I would get bogged down in the HUGE lists I made for myself. BUT if I broke it down into smaller, more manageable chunks I felt more empowered and successful.

Hugs,
Colleen

[dawn1952]

I've started to walk more, which is a nice change from being at the computer all day. I'm definitely an emotional/stress eater, which has given me a lot of problems over the years. I've probably yo-yo'd up and down 20-30 lbs most of my adult life. We don't have a YMCA near, but I started with a fitness trainer about a month ago and I like her a lot. It's one-on-one nutritional and exercise coaching. I like it because she's "real" and up-front, she doesn't let me get away with much, and she practices what she preaches. (She's 47 and she looks amazing. Has been a fitness model, too.) Anyways, that's one thing I'm doing. I'm also starting a Zumba class tomorrow. So, maybe having some fun with it can help me overcome my lack of motivation. They say exercise is a great way to overcome depression, so I'm not sure what I'm waiting for!

I'm a writer and a virtual office assistant. I write grants and I write for places like Examiner.com, and things like that. I also just started tutoring English. I definitely get bogged down with huge to-do lists. It's nice that I have so many ideas, but I drive myself crazy because I don't know how to focus these days. I like your idea about breaking it into chunks. I chose a project for today: clean my office! What a mess! lol

[TooSensitive]

Dawn, I see light and positive things emanating from your journal today! I am glad you seem to be doing better than you were.

When I'm depressed, my motivation drops. Even though I know how much good doing a particular thing may be for me, it still becomes a matter of forcing myself to do it, until I do start genuinely feeling the benefits, and things start turning around internally.

So I hope you find the strength to force yourself, until your natural motivation returns.

[cvanden]

Wohoo! Oh my gosh, ZUMBA is so much fun. You are gonna love it! I can't wait until my knee is a little stronger so I can do it again. Just remember you can modify it down, don't be intimidated by those who are pushing it up all the way. Believe it or not, a belly dance based aerobic class is really fun too. I've also taken a Bollywood class which is somewhere in between belly dance and zumba on the impact scale. I get all lost in the music and I won't say I forget I'm working out but it certainly helps take some of the edge off ;). Good for you on the coach. I like that you are getting the nutrition piece.

I hear you on a messy office. Its funny because I'm somewhat of a type B personality BUT when it comes to my office space it has to be clean and organized for me to function.

Go Dawn, Go Dawn, Get your groove on. hehehehe.

[dawn1952]

[QUOTE=TooSensitive;67659]

When I'm depressed, my motivation drops. Even though I know how much good doing a particular thing may be for me, it still becomes a matter of forcing myself to do it, until I do start genuinely feeling the benefits, and things start turning around internally.

Thanks! It's actually a lot of forcing myself to become motivated, but doing "mindless" things like cleaning usually makes me feel better. I'm just refusing to think about what he is or is not doing -- just for today.

[dawn1952]

He was really late coming home from work today and I discovered that I still love him. I worried so much, he didn't call, he just showed up. I knew something was wrong and I was right -- he'd been in an accident. His car is drivable, but it's all smashed in in the front. He's worried they might total it.

My first worry was if he was alright. What I thought as I waited for him to come home, wondering if he would... is this love? Doesn't this mean that I don't feel nothing for him? It was a telling moment as I understood that I still do love him and didn't know how to imagine it if something happened and he was suddenly gone.

So, when I found out he's not hurt, I cried. Of course, I'm crying now, but for a different reason. He, of course, is visibly shaken. He sat for a little while with me, ate something, and then it started. Some pretty women showed up on tv and it triggered me, I knew it would trigger him. It did. Right away, he says "I have to study autoCAD really hard right now." I knew it was coming. He claims it's because they're getting it at work soon and he has to keep up. I know better. I know that that's his excuse for looking at P.

In less than 5 minutes time, he was up the stairs and on his computer. Silent. Quiet Surfing I know. It's gotten to the point where, even if he's not doing that (which is a fat chance), I think he is so the damage is already being done (to me.) And I cry because I want to comfort him! I don't want him running to his computer women, I want him to come to my arms. Why won't he? I told him, is there anything I can do to make you feel better? I asked this as he went into his room. No, hon, he said.

So I cry. But I don't let him see it because it'll only start a fight. And he just had an accident -- he really doesn't need me being all clingy right now. (See? even now I'm thinking of him.)

I just wish so much that he'd turn to me, crawl in bed with me and into my arms, not look at naked women and fantasize. I feel like a piece of nothing right now. Like I don't exist. I feel like I'm going to fall apart. Here, I love this man -- and he doesn't really love or need me.

[JenMac]

HI Dawn,
First of all, I am glad he is okay. That is a frightening thing for both of you.
Yes Dawn, of course you love him. This wouldn't hurt so much if we didn't love them to bits.
I used exactly those words with my H. I am still here cause I love you to bits.
But you know what Dawn. I had to realize that I had to have love if not for myself, for my wellbeing. I had to look after myself. I was willing to leave a 34 year marriage, one I would never had thought of leaving. I just knew it. And I knew I could do it, I just knew.
You are working your way through this Dawn. You are building your strength. You are getting your thoughts in order. You are making your way.
I am sorry you feel so sad. Some days this can just knock the stuffing out of us. But then we can come back with a bigger resolve, a resolve to look after ourselves. It is during those times that we can think clearly and ready ourselves to move forward in the way that is best for us.
Sending hugs and prayers Dawn!
Jenn

[HopefulsRock]

Dawn1952... I'm sorry for what you've been through and I can only imagine the hurt you SO's feel through all this, It's an amazing testament to love how much you women can endure and still worry about your man's well being! ...truly amazing!

Now I'd like to give you my opinion... he's obviously turning to the wrong things for support, comfort, selfishness or whatever and needs to bottom out and see it for himself! I would have suggested following him right up the stairs and getting it all out in the open so it can be dealt with properly! ...and I have to disagree with this,

Here, I love this man -- and he doesn't really love or need me.

...I believe he loves you and needs you now more than ever!!! ...he just doesn't know it yet from looking through those clouds of denial! Don't be so soft on him because he can take it and he needs it pointed out to him just how much hurting he's causing and your the best one to explain it to him! He'll actually feel better when he's free from this consuming addiction and can see things clearly!

I'm no Doctor or anything but I am a guy and a recovering PA and I say it needs to happen... he needs to see it and sometimes us guys need things spelled out for us! ...sorry, I don't like it either but we do!

[dawn1952]

Thanks, Jenn and HopefulsRock. I don't have time to write in depth right now, but I will later. I'm helping him get his car to the repair shop, etc. But I'll be back.

[dawn1952]

Okay, so I'm not focusing on him right now. I'm really not focusing on anything much except doing things that make me feel peace. It's an experiment I'm doing.

Yesterday I noticed that I'm clenching my jaw -- constantly. So much that it's cracking and it feels sore. I'm tense and I'm tight and I don't like it. I sleep for 8 or 9 hours and don't feel like I've had much sleep at all. I know it's tension and I know I have to stop.

For now, the way I'm stopping is by stopping the constant focus on the negative. I know, it's probably a form of denial, but it's also a form of survival. If I keep going with thinking about everything that's wrong, I miss everything that's right.

What HopefulsRock said to me yesterday kind of struck a chord. I've always known my partner loves me, it's just the kind of love he gives me that doesn't always provide what I need. He's stubborn, pig-headed, and he can be controlling. He's honest, but sometimes that honesty cuts me like a knife. Then again, I've always believed that things happen for a reason and the people you have the worst time with are your greatest teachers. I just haven't been able to figure out what it is he's teaching me or what I'm supposed to learn.

I'm not ready to force the issue with him. Maybe I should, but at this point I think, if I want to try and have a relationship with him at all, I should back off. Maybe it's denial, but I don't think so. I'm not denying that we have a problem or that I have a problem with his PA. I'm just taking a time out so I can regroup.

If I'm not around here every day for a bit, it's not because I'm not still struggling or that I'm not thinking about everyone here. I'm still sending my love to you all. But, for a little while at least, I'm not focusing on everything that's wrong with my life just so I can get out of my head and into my life.