Just when I think I'm getting stronger...

[waterlily327]

Hi Dawn! I am glad the move went well. I really enjoyed reading your post, especially the part about you not being alone because you still have family that cares about you. I am so glad that you sound happy right now Dawn. Loving yourself is huge in this SO recovery. As hard as it is, learning to move on is so necessary. It gives us the motivation to take care of ourselves. I hope think continue to look positive for you Dawn, good luck with everything! *hugs*

[Disillusioned]

Dawn, I am so proud of you, taking charge of your own life and not letting the world revolve around someone who is totally self-centered. I am happy you have joined a group of others. Keep getting out there, keep moving, keep improving Dawn. She has great, great potential if she would believe in herself just a bit more. Look at the response your customers have shown you when you allow Dawn to be all she really is. Don't let that number 60 shake you all up. For some people, life begins then. There is still time to do some renovation on your weight and health for you. The movement helps make the sun keep shining. Do it for Dawn, as you owe her the best and happiest time of your life. By the way there are lots of 60 year olds without a male in residence, and they can have fun too. Better to be alone that chained emotionally to someone who is bad for you. I am smiling and whispering...Go Dawn, Go!!! Hugs and love to you, Sweetie. Enjoy the upcoming birthday. You have earned every little gray hair and wrinkle, so don't worry about them. The right kind of people will know you have character when they see them!!

[dawn1952]

Thanks WL & D

It's late and I should be getting my beauty sleep, but I couldn't wait to come here and at least say hi. It's nice to know that I sounded happy in my last post. I was wondering how it would come across... I've been flip-flopping from high to low to high again for weeks.

Today was a particularly rough day. I don't know why it was harder to get through than others. All I wanted to do was cry. G was sweet when we talked and said he doesn't want me to be sad. Okay. If you don't want me to be sad then stop what you're doing and ask me to come home. That is, if that is home. Not sure it really is any more.

Sometimes I think it would be good to just have at it, have a good cry and get it over with. Maybe it would clear my mind more. Let off steam. I could "decompress" as he likes to call his p-viewing. He calls his decompressing healthy. I'll take a good cry over a night with a mouse and my hand any day.

Still a lot of anger in here, too. Sometimes I'm sorry for ranting here, like I have no right. I mean, most of you are with your partners, sticking together, even trying to recover. I bailed. I left. In a way, I guess I gave up (on the relationship, not on me although I've come close). I don't know if I'm helping anyone else, but I hope I am. At least you can see how it is for me after leaving. I guess you don't get over it very quickly. The pain comes and goes, especially when you love the man.

So that's it for today. I'm sleepy so I think I'll go to bed. G'nite all. Take good care of yourselves.

[Disillusioned]

Hi Dawn,
It is great hearing from you, and remember that even though you have given up on the relationship, you are recovering yet and on your own. I believe you need to come here and keep posting. You've been through a lot and have a lot of things to work out yet.
Do you remember Cvanden? She left and continued to post, and I was always happy to hear from her. There's a lot to learn even after you have left a relationship. In her case, she will always have to deal with her PA as they have children together. It still stirs feelings in her...anniversaries, high school reunions, special times of the year. How could it not, as it was an investment together in time and hope. I understand why she walked away, and I know she made the best decision she could for her. I don't know how she'll feel down the road, but I think she will always love her ex. She just can't take the cycle of hope, betrayal, disappointment, and keep going. Too many times for her, and I have to admire her for the strength she took in staying and the greater strength she had in walking away. It wasn't easy. Wish she'd keep posting, and I will check to see if we've heard from her and perhaps I missed it. There are so many I care about here, and Dawn, you will always be special to me. So, please continue living your life, building it and saying hi, cause it is so good to hear from you.
HOw are things in the new place? Hope grandbaby and daughter are doing well. Enjoy the hugs and closeness that comes with having a daughter and grandaughter to hug and see everyday. H and I are going to see our daughter and grandbaby today. I haven't been able to sleep because of childish excitement. Drink up every good thing you can find, Dawn. They are all around us.
I know you want and are capable of a great love relationship. Keep looking, older and wiser now. I think it's a hard time to be a single woman, as this P thing is just affecting too many of our men. People in our lives are not disposable, and I know you know that, but it seems to be one of the things p does. Objectifies women and when your need and interest wane, find something new.
That's not good at all.
Take care and come back soon.

[dawn1952]

Hi D, it's great hearing from you, too. I just wanted to stop by and give you some hugs but it's almost 1am and I'm tired so I think I'll go to bed and write more again later. I'm doing a lot of soul-searching these days, bringing some unexpected revelations that feel good on one hand, and terrible scary on the other. I'll share more when I can.

It's my birthday in a couple of days, so maybe that's the reason. The big 6-0. Wow. This one's going to be harder than the others, I think. Harder on one hand 'cause it seems like such a big (old?) number and a huge, momentous step. Kind of exciting on the other because I can see this is the year I'm going to make my life MY life and take back my power. Wow again. But I want it bad.

Anyways, I'm so sleepy, I'll get totally incoherent any time now. Will write more when I can. Take good care of your self. Here are some great big ((((hugs)))) till I come back.
Goodnight!

[Disillusioned]

Hey, Dawn. It's great hearing from you. Glad you are doing some soul-searching. I think one of our PAs said something about 'painful, but required,' and they are right. 60 is a number. If you are still healthy you are much younger than the year on the calendar indicates. Read about it, as in physiological, emotional age versus chronological age. I know many 60 year olds that can run circles around me...many, and I am chronologically 63, but physiologically much older.
Have to figure out if it is even worth trying to swim everyday and try to get my body into decent enough shape for knee surgery. Every once in a while, I feel inspired enough to want to keep going, and want it enough to start trying to swim. But I am tired all the time with leg cramps that keep me up on and off all night. Boring...
The point I am making, or trying to, is that your 60 is much younger than mine. Get out there, and enjoy everything you can. The thing about being 60 is that we don't have enough time to learn and do all the things I still want to do...dam it. So go, Dawn, go...and don't let this PA thing drag you down. You are Dawn. Take your power back and be the woman you want to be...for you.

Thanks for the hugs....biiiiigggg time! Back at you, Sweetie.

[dawn1952]

Hey D, sorry it's taken me so long to come here. Have I been busy? Yes. But I think it also has a lot to do with just plain not wanting to think about it... you know, trying to push it down. Of course, it doesn't work.

On the being 60 thing... my mother asked me on my birthday, "so how does it feel?" Like I'm 59 I said. (-: Then yesterday my new workout trainer (who just happens to be about 30 if he's a day and is hotter than hot -- lol) said "You're sixty!" When he could pick his jaw up off the floor he said he wouldn't have figured me for any more than 49 or 50. Wow. Guess I've still got "it" -- whatever "it" is. Reminds me of the time G burst out with "I've still got it!" I almost laughed at him at the time (I mean, how ludicrous to exclaim to your SO how thrilled you are that women think you're still "all that" (ha ha), but I guess the nebulous "it" is kind of nice to have -- even if I don't have much of anything to do with it right now. lol

I might as well update while I'm here, right? Well, tonight G called like he always does. But the past few nights he's "forgotten" to call. Really? He calls later and later every night and says he lost track of time. Tonight he said if he "didn't have to call" me, he would've been taking a nap! I told him I'm sorry to interfere with his plans and he doesn't have to do it at all! (I'm getting to be such a tough old broad -- lol).

Then he starts in. I'm really starting to worry, he says. Oh oh. Here we go. Why? I ask, knowing where he's going because he always goes there. We're just not going anywhere, he said. Of course it's my fault. It always is. Because I "promised" I'd change (I did?) and he hasn't seen anything happen. He guesses I don't really care. He's getting tired of waiting. I don't know if it's (meaning the relationship, us) working, he said. When I told him I am getting healthy, then he said "I don't want it to be for me. That's not healthy." (so altruistic he is.) I told him "oh it's definitely NOT for you." I told him that being away from him these 8 months or so has helped me to realize that I don't need a relationship, I'd like to have one to complement my life, to share... but I'm fine on my own. Too bad we were on the phone, I would've loved to see his face.

You would have been proud of me. I said, if you want to end it just tell me. He didn't say a word to that. We argued back and forth, him going on and on about how he's been waiting for "years" and I haven't done anything to show him that I want to be in this relationship!? and me standing up to him and telling him like it is. I told him how the h*ll would he know what I'm doing? he doesn't ask and I don't tell him because every time we start to talk about anything serious he shuts me down. He told me I don't care and I said how the h*ll would he know what I'm thinking -- is he inside my head? I'm sick and tired of you telling me what a loser I am, how I'm lazy and don't do what I say I will. (Of course he denied everything, said he never said such a thing!)

But this is the thing that sticks out in my mind most of all (and it would almost be funny if it didn't hit me in the very softest place in my heart). He said he's looking at P to be interested in s*x at all and to be ready for me. Really. You could've fooled me. I thought it was only for him. I thought it "has nothing to do with me". I told him if that's true then he needs to say so and I need to know he means it. I need to know he loves me and desires me. He wouldn't say it. Instead he said, "I don't know how I feel any more" and talked about feeling like he was inside a box.

I told him if he feels that way then let's end it. Let's lop off the arm and feel the pain. It wouldn't be any worse than what we're feeling right now. No response. But I was strong. I told him I wish he'd come get me, take me home, tell me he loves me and wants to do everything we can to work this out -- but he's not. He won't. He's putting all the change on me. He's harassing me because I'm not his ideal.

He told me it isn't that I need to lose weight/get fit to go home (huh?) but I need to accept what he does (huh again?) AND he wants me to stop making comments about other women. Ok. I do make comments sometimes but why would that be a threat to him? Is it because he feels guilty about what he's doing and doesn't want to be reminded about it? Is it because he's checking them out at the same time and doesn't want to hear me "dissing" them? What is it???? I told him I never was like that before I got together with him. I had lots of women friends and was close with them, like sisters. That's my true nature, I said. That's who I am. Being away from you, I'm getting that way again.

The call ended with him saying he was p*ss#d at me and tired of talking about the same stuff over and over again. If I ever had anything new to say, he'd listen. I just said bye and that was it. I didn't feel sad, I didn't cry, I didn't even feel numb. Instead, I felt a very strange, foreign feeling... I felt kind of relieved and even a little happy. (Does that make me "evil" or just healing?)

[Disillusioned]

Hi Dawn, Great to hear from you. I am so glad you are doing okay and really busy, That will keep physiologic 60 at bay for quite a while yet. Great that your working out and have the inspiration of a very fit, very inspiring trainer who sees you as a cougar!!!
Hope granddaughter and daughter are doing well too.
I am so proud of you standing up to him, now that you've allowed yourself some distance and time to recover from the emotional beating you were putting up with. You are stronger and it is showing in all that you do, and he has noticed he doesn't have control anymore, so that is why he is hurting. No way are you evil...no way, Dawn. You have been blessed with patience, and this man abused that so much. It is great to see you healing and blooming again. It truly is better to be by yourself than with the wrong person.
Thanks for dropping in and letting us all know how you are doing. Maybe someday this guy will grow up, but I wouldn't count on it in the next century or two, and I am so glad you are too busy living your own life to notice.
Hugs to Dawn. Keep going strong and it's really great to hear from you. You are a keeper.

[dawn1952]

I'm still living in a state of hate. I know that now. Oh, sometimes I think it's love. Well, really it IS love. I do love the a*shole. And I have to keep reminding myself that he's sick. Sorry if I offend anyone here, but what I mean is that G really is sick. He has OCD, ADD, and he dropped the term "Asperger's" a while back as something his doctor thought he might have a "touch" of.

From what I understand, people with Asperger's (Aspies, as they're called) can have trouble with touch, with intimacy, and with p. I found a forum for Aspies and their partners and some of the guys who posted really opened my eyes. One of them even talked about having a certain body type they were attracted to and preferring p over their spouse.

It doesn't make it any better for me though. How do I reconcile the fact that I love this man with the knowledge that he's sick and that what he's doing has made ME sick? I've pretty much given up the notion that he could have a change of heart and see me as the source of his pleasure instead of pixels on his computer screen. Notice I say "pretty much". A few days ago, I was convinced that I could go back to him and pay no attention to what he does or that he'd even love me so much he'd stop doing it. What a fantasy world I live in.

Tonight, my make-believe, fairy-tale world came crashing down again when he told me he stayed up really late last night and wouldn't tell me what he was doing. "Nothing," he said. And I know it wasn't "nothing." He's so freakin' transparent it makes me sick. "You still there?" he asked when I didn't say anything. "You got quiet all of a sudden." And I lied and kept it to myself -- AGAIN. I didn't tell him how sick to my stomach I felt. I didn't tell him about the tears so close to the surface. I just told him I didn't have much to say and left it at that. And he's so dense (or is he?) that he let it go.

I have to give up. I know this. Unless he stops looking at p, using it as his only pleasure, his only s*xuality, I have to let it go. I can delude myself all I want but I know that I could never go back to him the way he is, with nothing changed, with him waiting for ME to change (as if he has nothing to change at all.) It would be exactly the same as it always was and I'd never heal.

Tonight, my daughter told me the same thing my therapist told me months ago. I even talked briefly to a s*x therapist and she said the same thing. As long as I stick around, he's getting all his needs met and he's just fine. He gets his s*x "over there" and he gets his emotional needs met with me. He can call me every evening and talk for 20-30 minutes, say goodnight, and that takes care of his social needs just fine. He can end his day with his girls, just as he likes it. He can go out with me for a few hours on the weekend, and that's enough for him, too. If he has any extra days off (holidays, for instance), he's "busy." Too busy to get together. Too busy to come be with me.

I have been so pathetic. That's another thing my daughter told me tonight. She said it makes her feel sad to see me being so pathetic, that she'd never seen me this way and it hurts her to see me letting this man do this to me. She reminded me of how my mother said the same thing, how she reprimanded me one day saying "I didn't raise you to be this way! I can't believe you're being so pathetic!" I am pathetic. I have been pathetic. I don't want to be pathetic any more.

He really has no right to run my life the way he does. But how do I separate my love from him? How do I stop loving because I think that's what I'll have to do in order to leave him. It's like the past few years have hit me and knocked me down so much I don't have the strength to get up any more. I'm afraid, I don't know what my life will become without him. I can't imagine life without him -- imagine that! How sad. I can't imagine a life without the pain. I don't know where I'll end up, I don't even know myself any more. I realize that I don't know what I want, I don't know who I am. I have to find out because I can't go on this way. Even if I never found the strength to truly leave him, I need to know my own mind somehow.

[Teemo]

Dawn,

I am a PA who has been reading your journal this morning, and I want to thank you for sharing in writing your life and your story. I know that you write, as I do, to find a way through the awful mess that this addiction makes of our lives. It seems to me that a PA like myself has no business claiming to know anything until we have read, and tried to understand, what we have done to the women we have promised to love and cherish. Even when we finally "get it", I am not sure any of us are even close to the reality of what women see and feel and know about how love and life are supposed to be.

I am sure that everyone who is reading your journal is cheering for your decision to claim your life as your own. I am sorry for the terrible damage that his continuing behavior has caused in your life. I admire your ability to rise above the lies and manipulation that he continues to use. Please know that stories like yours are the only way some of us can learn what we need to know to get free of our addiction.