10 Steps Forward, 20 Steps Back

[FaithStrengthLove]

My PA and I have been doing a lot better. We have our turbulent times, but overall we have been doing better. I don't check e-mails as often, I don't obsess over what he's doing, who he's talking to, etc. I still have my moments of looking for something, feeling suspicious, vulnerable, etc., but it's these times have been less and less frequent...

But every now and again, I have horrible dreams about him and myself. I dream that he is doing all types of things behind my back, and when I find out what he's doing, he doesn't care. He's nonchalant and even cruel... The dreams make me wake up angry and scared. The dreams are honestly so horrible that they make me not want to be with him... I don't know how to stop having the dreams, other than to break up with him. He doesn't want that, and to be honest, neither do I... But when the dreams come, I feel like all we've worked for has crumbled, and yet again I have to pick myself up. Am I wrong to let dreams have such a strong affect on our relationship? I know the dreams aren't real... But I almost can't help myself...

I love him very much and I know he loves me, but I don't understand how someone who loves me can do things that he knows hurts me so very much... I often feel like everything up to now has been a lie... If I had known then what I know now, we would never have gotten into a relationship. I feel cheated, disrespected, and hurt. Sometimes, I want to hurt back... *sigh*

How can I make the dreams stop? Do the dreams mean that I'm not really dealing with what has happened? Am I trying to suppress or repress my feelings?

[JenMac]

My PA and I have been doing a lot better. We have our turbulent times, but overall we have been doing better. I don't check e-mails as often, I don't obsess over what he's doing, who he's talking to, etc. I still have my moments of looking for something, feeling suspicious, vulnerable, etc., but it's these times have been less and less frequent...

But every now and again, I have horrible dreams about him and myself. I dream that he is doing all types of things behind my back, and when I find out what he's doing, he doesn't care. He's nonchalant and even cruel... The dreams make me wake up angry and scared. The dreams are honestly so horrible that they make me not want to be with him... I don't know how to stop having the dreams, other than to break up with him. He doesn't want that, and to be honest, neither do I... But when the dreams come, I feel like all we've worked for has crumbled, and yet again I have to pick myself up. Am I wrong to let dreams have such a strong affect on our relationship? I know the dreams aren't real... But I almost can't help myself...

I love him very much and I know he loves me, but I don't understand how someone who loves me can do things that he knows hurts me so very much... I often feel like everything up to now has been a lie... If I had known then what I know now, we would never have gotten into a relationship. I feel cheated, disrespected, and hurt. Sometimes, I want to hurt back... *sigh*

How can I make the dreams stop? Do the dreams mean that I'm not really dealing with what has happened? Am I trying to suppress or repress my feelings?

Hi Faith,
I am so sorry to hear about the dreams. Not sure what the dreams mean to you but perhaps they indicate you are not feeling safe? Or maybe there are things left to be dealt with?
I am not sure if you believe in the power of prayer Faith and I am not usually one to go around suggesting it, but I have a girlfriend who experienced the same sort of dreams in relation to her H's affair. She wanted desperately to heal the relationship but she kept having these dreams of him and the other woman. Now she is quite religious so she prayed that these dreams stop. And they did stop Faith. Sounds trite but I found myself praying a lot through this time. Certainly can't hurt and has a way of making us feel a little stronger and more centred somehow.
I too had to come to terms with the fact that my dear sweet H was capable of knowingly doing things that would hurt me. That is definately a tough one! And the feeling that everything was a lie. Such difficult feelings to overcome. But the connection and intimacy you are building now can supercede those feelings in time and then you will know you are in a wonderful place. Living in the now is so important Faith. There is almost nothing to be gained by living in the past or projecting the future. Not always possible to live that way, (I should know!) but deal with what you need to, then work to put it behind you knowing the lessons have been learned.
HUgs Faith!
Jenn