Notes . . .

[bethann27]

Day three . . .

My DH tells me that he feels like there is little left between us, he wants back the fun loving girl he married and is not willing to leave because of the kids. This is not what I would like to be hearing right now! We dated with this addiction on the sidelines, but I was WAY to naive (and to be honest) curious about it at the time. It was me who changed all the rules . . . wait a minute - the rules are all well defined in the marriage vows. Maybe it wasn't me who changed them, but my DH who never took them seriously.

He will never get back that fun loving girl. She is gone and he killed her. A much more cautious woman who is beginning to grey has replaced her. She doesn't think it's cute when he stays up all night & wants to sleep in until 9am. There are three children & a house with a large yard to maintain now and this is NOT cute anymore. She doesn't believe it when he tells her that abstaining makes our time together better. She knows that you've jumped back into your addiction head first. She doesn't like it when he forgets big life events like birthdays. She takes care of making sure everyone else has a celebration - WHY is it so difficult to remember mine?

Yesterday I was overtaken by the desire to STOP pretending. I have chosen to disclose all to everyone in our lives. Although I'm sure there is much I will not know until I die. Some say (my DH included) that this is not a good idea & is rather impulsive. I say it is the result of much prayer & that the Holy Spirit finally showed up on a day when I was listening. IF this is going to be over then let's make sure every effort has been made to make it work. This wife is now willing to do whatever it takes.

Last night my DH asked to read my copy of My Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal by Barbara Steffens. This pleases me. Will he get any of it? Can he experience empathy? If he does will he chose to act on those healthy emotions?

This morning I see in my husband the little boy whose mother chose not to stay in a marriage and chose not to take the kids with her. I see in myself an anxious, bitter, easily angered, can't even pretend to pull off my normal act anymore disorganized woman.

I HATE THE ADULT INDUSTRY & WHAT IS DOES TO ALL INVOLVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!

[Charly22]

I too have been made to feel like it is ME who changed the rules. I was naive. I was young. I wanted to be accepted. I wanted to be "cool"....and now here I am "changing the rules". But let us not forget, that there were changes that happened before we ever started backtracking. P addiciton is not "just a little". P addiction is not just every once in a great while. P addiction is not just something find humurous and joke about. I'm sure what started out as curiousity, turns into the full blown monster that p addiction is for our husbands.

And regarding letting it all out to everyone......so be it. I know there might be situations or people that you might think "damn, wish they didn't know all that"....but...the truth is....p addiction thrives in the dark. Gets stronger in secrecy. Bring it into the light. Shine a light on it. Don't let it hide. At the end of the day, we all fall short, and it's better to shine the light on all of this and see it for what it really is, instead of letting it hide and manifest into a bigger beast. I'm not encouraging you to advertise it to the whole town out of spite or anything like that. But you need to let this out. You need to find support. You need to do what you need to do in order to deal.

[bethann27]

..the truth is....p addiction thrives in the dark. Gets stronger in secrecy. Bring it into the light. Shine a light on it. Don't let it hide.

This is the truth that I am holding on to. Secrecy is reserved for relations between husband & wife. My marriage is a joke & it must be healed or end. Truth is the only way I can see out of this mess. Thanks for not judging me for feeling the need to share with those who can help me confront my husband with the fact that it is time for him to choose his path. Both worlds are no longer an option.

[waterlily327]

Hey Bethann27, and welcome to TTF. My situation is a little different than yours, but I relate to parts of your post all too well…I am only 22, so I am not yet married and do not yet have children or live with my boyfriend, but I do understand the frustration of PA skirting responsibilities. My BF would stay up late and sleep in, missing important events or being late for the important, little time we do get together. It sucks!

I am glad you are here, and I hope that you will find the support that you need on TTF. Please don’t give up on yourself, saying that “fun girl” is “dead”. I know our situations are different, but I am beginning to rediscover who I was before P, lies, and the pain destroyed what I knew and who I thought I was.

There will probably be a lot of ups and downs before you and your partner figure out what works. I think most SO’s here hate that “rollercoaster” that we have been forced onto for so long. The most important advice I ever got here on TTF was to remember to take care of yourself. You are probably used to putting everything and everyone else first, like most of us SO’s here, but take the time to work on making yourself better too. You are important. Help you partner, but remember that it is up to him if he changes and that NONE of this ugly PA is YOUR fault! Do what you need to in order to start the healing process for yourself. Trust me, you & the fun girl you used to be are TOTALLY worth it! Best wishes, and hope you are well.

[stillandagain]

wow, bethann. It may sound weird, but I am so glad you came here so "wide open." As you read our journals and hear our stories, there will be bits and pieces of YOUR story throughout.

You are not alone.

I am glad I am not alone.

[bethann27]

[SIZE=3][FONT=CalibriI am only 22, so I am not yet married and do not yet have children or live with my boyfriend, but I do understand the frustration of PA skirting responsibilities.

Thanks waterlily327 . . . I hope that you will consider a time to date others before you marry or have children with your current boyfriend. If I had known that my life would be filled with the struggle of this issue then dating just to make sure would have been at the top of my list of priorities. Please receive this with the positive intent that is being sent with it.

[bethann27]

Several times today I cried without really knowing exactly why. UUuuugh.

Got some short, sweet, oh so sorry, will pray for you type responses from the few people I felt comfortable enough to reach out to regarding this . . . this THING that separates me from my husband. I try to remember that short answers are usually best . . . least likely to be unintentionally hurtful . . . beats being told that I "should make a naked photo album for my husband" or "maybe you've become slightly prudish" or worse yet "I would be happy if my husband would stop bothering me to have s*x with him".

Too many painful memories have surfaced today. Guess that would be why I have been so emotional. I'm sure my husband has trouble respecting me at least in part at times because I've been so ridiculously trusting and just plain stupid about some things. Vulnerability in the wrong hands = disaster for building a family.

Oh, well . . . I'm off to call someone who will say something nice to me

[JenMac]

Several times today I cried without really knowing exactly why. UUuuugh.

Got some short, sweet, oh so sorry, will pray for you type responses from the few people I felt comfortable enough to reach out to regarding this . . . this THING that separates me from my husband. I try to remember that short answers are usually best . . . least likely to be unintentionally hurtful . . . beats being told that I "should make a naked photo album for my husband" or "maybe you've become slightly prudish" or worse yet "I would be happy if my husband would stop bothering me to have s*x with him".

Too many painful memories have surfaced today. Guess that would be why I have been so emotional. I'm sure my husband has trouble respecting me at least in part at times because I've been so ridiculously trusting and just plain stupid about some things. Vulnerability in the wrong hands = disaster for building a family.

Oh, well . . . I'm off to call someone who will say something nice to me

Hey Bethann!
Glad you are receiving the support here that can help you feel less alone!
Bethann, I believe it is absolutely up to you who you choose to share this with. No judgement here for anything in that regard! I would however like to share some thoughts with you. I have chosen not to share this with anyone in my everyday life. There are a couple of reasons for that. One is that I have found in other situations in my life that I have lived to regret sharing some trying times with the ones that I love. They may mean to be helpful to me, but not being in my situation, they have no way of knowing how I feel and so they can't really know what I am going through. And they don't forget. That is very difficult if/when we choose to move on in life and they still have opinions/judgement about the situation that may have healed itself. I love my friends and family but unless they have experienced what I have, they have no way of truly understanding what I have to deal with.
The other reason is that I believe it is up to the 'addict' if they choose to share their struggles. I think I have been taught that through my affilitation with Alanon. Anonymity is important, especially during times of healing.
Having said all of that, I have to qualify. This is absolutely up to you!! What you choose to share to assist you in your healing is your decision and yours alone. Your friends and family may be very supportive to you! For me, even though my friends/family are very important to me, I choose not to share because I don't want their opinions or judgement.
I agree wholeheartedly with Charly in this. Bringing this out of secret and into the light is a good thing to do. However, I believe that there is a time and a place to do that. And I believe for mac and I, that time has to wait until healing has had a chance to happen. For you that time is different, and you need to do what you feel is right.
Bethann, I am sorry you have had a difficult day! I am glad you have found us here at TTF! I think you will find support and understanding here from those of us that truly understand what you are going through! I know for me, TTF has been a blessing in my life! I hope it is the same for you!
All the best!
Jenn

[bethann27]

Thanks Jenn - just wanted to comment that I believe since this has gone on for so many years (15 or so) with other methods tried such as counseling, trying to follow advice on web sites or books, etc. I believe that full disclosure to those closest to us is what might help my husband see that it has to stop. This will also help me by prompting me to move on if he chooses to continue. I understand that is will probably not really help those around us support me more or even help them begin to understand. I have found that most people want to distance themselves from you if they know your husband has an addiction. He is an expert lier & wil lie to cover up anything. We've had financial difficulties that may have been caused in part by the addiction. I have an STD that was not present when we married - the list goes on & on. Now is the time for it to stop & because I don't really know how to get out of this mess I have chosen disclosure as my catapult.

Unlike you, Alanon wasn't for me. I am unwilling to accept so much of the blame. I believe my problems in the cycle of his addiction are symptoms from the rejection. Learning about different methods of approaching treatment has given me hope. I hope our children look back on this time & wonder how we could have placed so much emphasis on the woman's role in the sickness. Someday women will not have to live with the shame that this is somehow her fault.

Thank you for giving your time to talk with me. You are surely being used by God :)

[JenMac]

Thanks Jenn - just wanted to comment that I believe since this has gone on for so many years (15 or so) with other methods tried such as counseling, trying to follow advice on web sites or books, etc. I believe that full disclosure to those closest to us is what might help my husband see that it has to stop. This will also help me by prompting me to move on if he chooses to continue. I understand that is will probably not really help those around us support me more or even help them begin to understand. I have found that most people want to distance themselves from you if they know your husband has an addiction. He is an expert lier & wil lie to cover up anything. We've had financial difficulties that may have been caused in part by the addiction. I have an STD that was not present when we married - the list goes on & on. Now is the time for it to stop & because I don't really know how to get out of this mess I have chosen disclosure as my catapult.

Unlike you, Alanon wasn't for me. I am unwilling to accept so much of the blame. I believe my problems in the cycle of his addiction are symptoms from the rejection. Learning about different methods of approaching treatment has given me hope. I hope our children look back on this time & wonder how we could have placed so much emphasis on the woman's role in the sickness. Someday women will not have to live with the shame that this is somehow her fault.

Thank you for giving your time to talk with me. You are surely being used by God :)

Hi Bethann!
I completely understand your thinking in regards to making this work for you! You have to do what is right for you.
I just wanted to address the Alanon remarks you made. In my experience, Alanon did not put any responsibility on my shoulders for the addiction of my loved one. Quite the opposite in fact. It taught me how to respond to situations that were beyond my control by detaching lovingly from the person who had a problem with alcohol (not my H). It taught me that I could effect change around me by changing my reactions to people and situations and even if it didn't I was still further ahead by actively working on healing myself. In my case, the changes I made in my own thinking were the catapult to a freeing of myself and the 'addict'.
I continue to use the principles from Alanon in my everyday life, even though I am not currently active as a member. I do realize that every individual group is only as good as its membership and so you will have different experiences with every group. I am sorry that you felt the blame was shifted to you in some way. This particular 'addiction' is not the fault of women. I have never felt that and never will. Men are responsible for their own choices and are paying the consequences for those choices I am afraid. Unfortunately, women and children are paying a price for those choices as well.
All the best!
Jenn