The Story of a Girl...

[cbh]

"How do I know what I think until I see what I say?"
— E.M. Forster

I was in 7th grade when I kept my first -- and only -- journal. I was in an "advanced" English writing class, and we were given the assignment of keeping a journal, which we would write in daily, for the entire year. We were encouraged to free write, doodle, and even scribble in our journals; anything that would cultivate our creativeness. The first five to ten minutes of class every single day was dedicated to journal writing. Sometimes there would be mini writing assignments on the chalkboard, and other times we were told to "free write." Our journals were turned in near the end of each grading period, and the teacher admitted that the journals would be skimmed, and sometimes briefly read, to ensure that we were completing the task, but they would not be graded on spelling, grammar, or punctuation. We were also ensured that we could feel free to write anything our little hearts desired, as a dogeared page (aka a page with a "turned corner") would be skipped entirely. "Dogears" signified a page or pages with private material we did not feel comfortable sharing with the teacher. The experience was extremely enlightening for me. It was therapeutic, to say the least, even for me at such a young age.

The quote referenced above was hidden amongst a host of quotations decorating the folder given to us by the same teacher at the beginning of the school year. The quote itself became very sentimental to me, and thus I neatly tore it from the bottom right hand inside corner of the folder where it resided and stashed it away. To this day, even though I no longer keep a journal, that very neatly torn piece of folder is still tucked behind my driver's license in my wallet.

I learned something else about journaling during my 7th grade year... nothing is private, and in the "real" world, "dogears" do not deter a mother's prying eyes. Despite the fact that I was a "good" child -- and "overprotected" to the point of being banned from sleepovers, school sporting events, and almost anything else that involved spending time with friends outside of school hours -- my mother couldn't restrain herself from reading my journal. Daily. In fact, she would wait until I would fall asleep in order to sneak it from my backpack for her evening entertainment. Initially, I was oblivious to this behavior, so I often wrote freely and openly about the stressful relationship that had developed between my mother and I, as well as the anger and sadness I felt from being denied any sort of social activity outside of school hours and feeling isolated from my friends. It wasn't until the subtle "punishments" began that I came to realize that something was amiss. Eventually, she spilled the beans, so to speak, and expressed her immense distaste for my choice of journaling topics. From that day forward, my journal never left the safety of my school locker, and "filled" journals that had been graded were destroyed and then disposed of on school property. I haven't kept a journal since.

I do still write occasionally, though. For instance, I found a lot of comfort in the forums when I was a member of PAH and posting regularly. While the feedback and validation I received was always helpful, I truly believe that some of the comfort I received was gained simply by writing through my emotions. I hope the same holds true for this forum and, more significantly, this journal.

~cbh~

[JenMac]

Hi cbh!
I too have enjoyed writing things down most of my life. Whether it was in the form of a journal or just jotting down thoughts from my head to enable me to release them, I have found it to be a wonderful tool for me to deal with my thoughts and emotions.
I am so glad that you have decided to start your own journal here, cause as you have said there is a lot of comfort and enlightenment that can come from analyzing and pouring out your innermost thoughts. It helps me tremendously with being able to let go of things that I may harbour otherwise.
All the best!
Jenn

[stillandagain]

Me, too!

I was betrayed awhile ago through the reading and sharing of my journal. I really missed writing.

Now that I am journalling here, its like getting out what has been stuffed inside.
It has really helped my process to write here, and to respond to others.

So, welcome! You have found a place where you are not alone in this thing called PA.

[cbh]

I'm finding a lot of comfort from just "being" at TTF, as well as from reading, posting, and receiving feedback. Maybe I was wrong in thinking that my involvement in my previous forum had become an unhealthy obsession. Maybe it wasn't unhealthy at all. Maybe I was coming to understand the addiction. Maybe I was coming to understand my own thoughts and feelings in relationship to the addiction, the role that I played, and my rapidly deteriorating marriage. Maybe I was growing stronger. Maybe what seemed like a "realization" was actually just fear that I was healing and he was not?! So much to think about...

I did find myself flooded with a rush of emotion this evening. Not anger, per se, but something similar and mixed with something I couldn't quite put my finger on. My husband called me, for the first time in almost five days. I knew before I answered the phone how the conversation would go: He would call under the guise of asking an "important" question. I would be distant, defensive, and short with my answers. I would also refuse to give him what he wanted. This time, it was the password to the administrator account on the home computer, as he “needed” to complete his time sheet for the week. I said no and was adamant that my decision was final. There is a HOST of reasons that allowing him access to the administrator account unsupervised would be completely out of the question. He relented, much quicker than I expected, and then actually asked if I was going to continue this charade. Charade? Seriously? He then calmly stated that he wanted to take a moment to remind me that it was I who ran out of the house at the first opportunity and refused to come home. He even had the audacity to say that he thought it would have been more appropriate had I chosen to act like an adult and try to talk to him before jumping the gun and “flying off the handle.” Flying off the handle? What he seems to have forgotten – or justified, rationalized, or otherwise simply ignored – is that it was him who was stomping around like a giant, grinding his fist into his hand, calling me names, berating me for being irresponsible, selfish, manipulative, and disrespectful, and making it very clear that I would suffer the physical consequences for angering him. Did he not notice that I was cowering on the floor, mentally beating myself up for allowing the situation to get to this point? Not completely predictable in his behavior, there are distinct clues as to when the anger and frustration have reached their boiling point. I had, to some degree, ignored my instinct. I thought I had just a little more time. How foolish was I? And, so, when he demanded that I had over my phone, I told him exactly where it was. I knew he would undoubtedly go to fetch it. It took only moments to plan and execute my escape route. I was in my car and speeding out of the housing development before he even had the chance to realize I was gone. I wished I had considered shoes, but that was a minor detail now. Pat on the back for always, always keeping the "hidden" key in my car. Some past mistakes are truly learned from and never repeated. Now, all I can think is, "Can he really be this delusional?"

~cbh~

[edjames71]

Honestly cbh...yes he can be that delusional. I know when the addiction had total control over me I was awful to live with. I was very emotional abusive to my SO. Like so many PA/SA I blamed her....minimized her feelings, made her feel worthless the list goes on. The addiction has a very tight hold on your H and the only way for it to stop is he need to want to. Unfortunately....some people don't want to quit and that's sad.

Abuse of any kind is unacceptable but I take physical abuse personal. I know the addiction had me intimidate my SO once. It was the only time I have ever seen her afraid of me and I felt awful. It wasn't who I was. I was distant, defensive and manipulative. It's like this addiction would do anything to maintain control.

I'm glad you're safe. You have come to a good place for support and healing. The SO's here are great and I'm learning so much from them.

Welcome

Ed

[JenMac]

Hi cbh!
I am so glad that you prepared ahead for your safety. I am a member of Alanon and that is what the women who are in abusive relationships are taught there. Always plan for your own safetly. NOone should have to put up with abuse in their lives, be it physical or emotional.
Again, I am so glad that you are here. I too wondered if I was developing an unhealthy attachment to these forums, especially during times when I might spend almost the whole day here. But I have come to realize it is anything but unhealthy, it has helped me to build my strength and find my way back from the madness. I so needed this in my life!
Hugs to you cbh!
Jenn

[stillandagain]

I am glad you are reading my journal, especially as my story parallels yours. I will read yours as well.

its the damnedest thing!

[cbh]

I feel like I have so much to get off of my chest this morning. Firstly, the response to my journal as well as my other threads has been extremely comforting and very much appreciated. I feel validated and understood, finally, without that underlying feeling that I'm just being told what I want to hear. It has been -- for lack of a better descriptive word -- liberating, and I am starting to feel as if some of the fog has cleared. I needed this more than I ever could have realized. Secondly, I have decided to make a conscious effort to write a journal entry every single day for at least the next thirty days or so. My tendency towards feelings of guilt makes me worry that I'll be considered a "forum hog," but in reality that's silly. No one is required to read my journal entries or other threads, nor are they required to respond or reply, and I need to do this for me. Not only do I think it is important to unburden myself of all of the pain, anger, frustration, and guilt that I have kept bottled up (to some extent) for the better part of the past year, but I also find the idea of being able to look back in thirty days or so and see my successes and personal growth, as well as my failures and shortcomings, intriguing. I will have to make a minor exception to my thirty-straight-days goal simply because my plans are to spend my weekends with my mother-in-law at her house, enjoying my time off from work, enjoying the "girl time" with her, enjoying the quality time with my little boy, and spending as much time as possible on the back of a horse. It is a unique situation whereas I have been blessed with a true friendship with my mother-in-law and I am looking forward to this coming weekend ever more so as the days pass. Since there is no internet access, or cell phone service, "down on the farm," I'll be out of touch, but that may not necessarily be such a bad thing. Thirdly, I have discovered that there is a wealth of knowledge here at TTF; more than I have encountered in past forums. Aside from the informative and educational articles, there are some different and unique perspectives on a multitude of topics from a variety of individuals, and I'm finding that the readily accessible posts from the opposite side of the spectrum (i.e. the porn addicts themselves) are not as difficult to read as I thought they might be and do provide something in the way of understanding.


On a completely different note, I came across a very thought provoking Facebook status post today. I did ask for permission to share, but I did not specifically state where I planned to re-post, nor will I give any identifying information as to who wrote it. Just know that I am not the original author.

If you say you forgive someone, but then throw it in their face later on down the road, then:

1. You never forgave them
2. You are bitter
3. You also are a liar

Reading this, I realized that I am not, in fact, very good at forgiveness. But, how can I not throw the past back into my husband's face when he continues to throw his addiction in mine?

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Hi cbh-

If you say you forgive someone, but then throw it in their face later on down the road, then:

1. You never forgave them
2. You are bitter
3. You also are a liar

Reading this, I realized that I am not, in fact, very good at forgiveness. But, how can I not throw the past back into my husband's face when he continues to throw his addiction in mine?

If someone seeks your forgiveness, that implies repentance. To repent is to be so sorry you intend to never do whateverit was again. There is a difference in being sorry and repentant, and being sorry that you were caught. I think it would be far easier to forgive in either of the two situations below.

1. The person you are forgiving truly repents and changes and the offending behavior stops.
2. The person you are forgiving never changes, but you leave the situation so that even if the behavior continues, it does not continue to happen to you.

I think it is much much harder, if not impossible to forgive when the behavior is not acknowledged and continues to happen and the person blames you or makes it "your problem" in any way. How is it possible to forgive in this situation?

Anyway, these are my thoughts about what you said. I don't think it is you that has a problem forgiving in this situation.

I wish you well and I am glad you are safe. Now you have an excuse for new shoes too... a little bit of silver lining I hope.

[cbh]

The three-day weekend was nice in some aspects. Makes for a shorter work week, but aside from that, it just felt like extra time to kill. My weekend did not go exactly as planned, but I did get the chance to go down to my mother-in-law's early Sunday afternoon. We took the horses over to a friend’s house to work them in their arena and spend some time on the trails, and afterwards we had a mini-cookout. Despite having a good day, I felt apprehensive once we all got back to their house to cook and socialize; someone inevitably always asks about my husband. Thankfully, I'm still able to smile and say, "He's fine," "He's working," "He had other things to do," etc., etc., etc.. It's become so natural to pretend that nothing is wrong. By the time we made it back to my mother-in-law's, it was after midnight, so my little boy and I ended up spending the night. Which, truthfully, had very little to do with what time we got back. I had tentatively planned to stay regardless. I needed the time away from my mom, and my mother- and father-in-law were having a small get together on Memorial Day with some friends of theirs (ours) that my father-in-law doesn't get to see much anymore now that he's working out of town.
I did not sleep well Sunday night, so I was feeling a little less than fair on Monday morning. But, I forced myself to go through the motions and helped my mother-in-law cook and clean up the house for company. It wasn't until after I got out of the shower that the apprehensive feeling seemed to set back in. I knew exactly what it was... the company was bound to ask about my husband. Honestly, the pretending is starting to get old.
Monday afternoon, when I left my mother-in-law's, my stomach was in knots. Being "off" from work on a Monday is unusual at best -- so, not only did I feel like I was playing hooky all day, I also kept thinking that there was something really important that I had forgotten. Instead of going straight "home" to my mom's, I decided to swing by work. I was thankful that I had. There were two or three things that I had completely disregarded on Friday when I left. Even though I thought I was holding myself together fairly well, it became quite obvious to me that my work is suffering. My goal this week is to keep my head in the game.
I've been taking the time to read through other journals on the site. Some of them make me sad, others make me angry (at the fact that so many of us have to suffer so much of the same pain, anger, and frustration), and others have proved to be very thought-provoking. A post by the author of one particular journal said something along the lines of, "I don't know why I continue to reiterate these details over and over again. It is as if in some way that by re-telling the story again and again I will somehow find the answer: the answer as to why, to what went wrong, to how it can be fixed." The post struck a cord with me. That's me?! Although I may not frequently post and re-post my "story" per se, I do find myself going over and over the details in my head, or re-hashing them again and again with my mother-in-law... looking for answers. So, I made some resolutions in regards to this now unhealthy habit, as well as some other things about me and my life that I want to change. 1.) I will tell my story, beginning to end, in a journal entry. Once purged, it will be a story of reference only, not a puzzle with hidden answers that must be searched out and put together like missing puzzle pieces. 2.) Discussions about "why" with my mother-in-law will come to an immediate end. Even if we were able to determine the answer to why, that answer does nothing to change and/or fix the situation. Only my husband can do that, and only if he so chooses to do so. 3.) I am going to get my hair cut this week. My husband has been very insistent over the years that I allow my hair to grow long, even going so far as to tell me that I was not attractive with shorter hair, that it made me look older, or that he didn't like me with short hair. And, so, I allowed it to grow quite long for no other reason than to please him. I don't even care for my hair this long. I have picked out a shorter, shoulder-length style that I particularly liked in the past and hope that my stylist can squeeze me in sometime this week. 4.) I will also find the time to focus more on me. Years ago, I was a member of Weight Watchers, at which point I lost 70+ pounds. While I have maintained a healthy lifestyle for the most part, I have slipped back into some unhealthy habits and have over the past three to four years gained about 15 pounds or so of the weight back. I may or may not re-join Weight Watchers, but either way, I am going to make an effort to re-vamp my lifestyle and rid myself of the unhealthy habits I have picked up, and hopefully lose the extra weight as well. 5.) I'm also going to "splurge" on a pamper-day for me... my husband's controlling behavior and the guilt that it causes me has kept me from spending any money on me for things like a pedicure now and then, going to the tanning bed occasionally, or even buying little decorative things for my home every once in a while. Granted, the latter is out of the question seeing as how I'm not living in my "home," but I do plan to get a pedicure this week. And, I might even go to the tanning bed. And last, but definitely not least -- and actually the most important: 6.) I will spend more time with my son. There's no longer the need to worry about the things that used to feel important. I no longer have a home to keep perfectly clean in hopes that doing so will make my husband happier. There's no need to worry about having a meal, hot and ready, on the table when my husband gets home from work. The laundry does not always have to be done. The dishes do not always have to be washed. None of that is nearly important as I made it out to be. From this point forward, I will stop saying, "In a minute," "Maybe later," or "When I'm done with (insert chore here)," to my son when he asks me to play, read a story, or go outside. I am going to enjoy being a mom.