Does this ever end?

[kbr]

So, I have been trying very hard to deal with my husbands PA for sometime now and I am at the point where I don't believe this heartache will ever end. I have tried and tried to be the understanding spouse. I have tried to share my feelings in a non confrontational way. I have sought counseling. I have tired journaling both on here and in a journal at home and I find that I feel no better. I have better days than others and I have moments where I believe it can and will work, but at night the same feelings comes back. The tears return and tightness in my chest seems like it never really left. The memories of the bad times play like a horror movie. I want to believe that this is just momentary and that my marriage will work again but it is hard for me to believe. My husband has yet to seek help but keeps saying that he will "tomorrow" or that no one has emailed him back. I can't want him to recover. He has to want to recover. I am at a lost right now and I am not sure what to do...

[stillandagain]

What a great question! We SO's have ALL asked it! If you read through some of our SO journals, hear our stories, you will see that there are so many similarities, one being your question.

Take gentle care of you. Its a freakin' rollercoaster!

[JenMac]

So, I have been trying very hard to deal with my husbands PA for sometime now and I am at the point where I don't believe this heartache will ever end. I have tried and tried to be the understanding spouse. I have tried to share my feelings in a non confrontational way. I have sought counseling. I have tired journaling both on here and in a journal at home and I find that I feel no better. I have better days than others and I have moments where I believe it can and will work, but at night the same feelings comes back. The tears return and tightness in my chest seems like it never really left. The memories of the bad times play like a horror movie. I want to believe that this is just momentary and that my marriage will work again but it is hard for me to believe. My husband has yet to seek help but keeps saying that he will "tomorrow" or that no one has emailed him back. I can't want him to recover. He has to want to recover. I am at a lost right now and I am not sure what to do...

Hi KBR,
Welcome to TTF!
I have not read your story so I am uncertain as to your whole story.
I am an SO and I have been here at TTF for about 14 months now. This has been such a long hard road. Things did not really begin to improve in my wellbeing for about the first 5 to 6 months, and even then it was still so up and down.
My H committed right away to stopping his P use but as for the rest of his recovery that was definately a process. He had to learn many things on ever deepening levels to get to where he is today. And he is in a good place!
There are many here ahead of us who gave me hope that it would indeed happen, but it was definately a struggle for both of us to get through the difficult emotional healing we have needed to do. We continue to work daily on this recovery after almost 15 months. It has been a life changing event in our marriage and the most trying thing I have ever had to deal with in my life.
Having said all that KBR, I have to tell you it can happen, and when it does it will be a wonderful thing in your life. The reconnection that can be built by suffering through this difficult time is nothing short of awesome. I am praying you will get there.
Don't be afraid to set your boundaries and speak up for what you need in this. There is nothing wrong with saying exactly what you expect. My H was definately only doing this to save his marriage in the beginning, but somewhere along the line that changed and a wonderful transformation began to happen. But it began with me determining what it was I could accept and what it was I needed from him to prove his committment to me. Don't be afraid of that kbr! You have every right to determine what you will accept in your marriage.
Hugs to you! You will get through this and you will build strength in doing so!
Jenn

[kbr]

Thank you both for your replies. Jenn I am trying to learn that I need to set boundaries in this and that it is OK for me to verbalize what I can and cannot accept from my Husband, but I find when I do it leads to an argument and to me not being supportive of the fact that this is embarrassing or hard for him to talk about to either me or someone else. I want to think that he knows that this is a problem because he told me that he thought he was addicted, but there are also times when he has said that all men view P and MB. So I am conflicted. Is this real? I am really turning this into an issue when it is a normal response for men to view P? I know that there is a better way to go about this and I have learned a ton from reading other peoples journals and from my therapist. I just pray to God that when I make it to the other side of all of this that my marriage is still in tact. However, I know that with or without him, I am going to seek healing and I am going to find it eventually.

[JenMac]

Thank you both for your replies. Jenn I am trying to learn that I need to set boundaries in this and that it is OK for me to verbalize what I can and cannot accept from my Husband, but I find when I do it leads to an argument and to me not being supportive of the fact that this is embarrassing or hard for him to talk about to either me or someone else. I want to think that he knows that this is a problem because he told me that he thought he was addicted, but there are also times when he has said that all men view P and MB. So I am conflicted. Is this real? I am really turning this into an issue when it is a normal response for men to view P? I know that there is a better way to go about this and I have learned a ton from reading other peoples journals and from my therapist. I just pray to God that when I make it to the other side of all of this that my marriage is still in tact. However, I know that with or without him, I am going to seek healing and I am going to find it eventually.

Hi kbr,
Yes, people/men would have you believe that it is 'normal' to watch P. However I beg to disagree. Why if it is so normal, is it so hidden and shameful? How is P, in it's abusive and degrading form, 'normal'?
There has always been some form of P around but it is only since the internet that it has become so full blown and out of control. Why is that? Well at least part of the reason is that it can be done in secret. No embarrassment in going to the store to buy the material. What does that say? It says that men know it is something that they should be embarrassed about, ashamed of. Why then do they consider it 'normal'?
I asked my H how he knew 'all men do it'? In his age group it is certainly not discussed that you are sitting at home MB to porn. So how do they know all are doing it? Is this just something they tell themselves to make it okay?
kbr, I would never do anything that would harm my H in any way. To me, the fact that he chose to view P knowing full well that it would hurt me if/when I knew, tells me there is a problem. I thought too that maybe my strong feelings against it were restricted to just me and I was so relieved to find this forum that told me that was not the case. This is a very damaging thing to a relationship. That in itself should be enough to make him stop and if he cannot do that then he indeed has a problem. Saying that all men do it is just a form of denial and justification. My H did that in the beginning too. It was only with time and constant discussion and further learning that he has completely changed his mind on that. We have definately come closer together in our thinking through this.
kbr, I know it is tough to talk about and it took some time for mac and I to find a balance with all of that but I can tell you, something made me keep this in the forefront. I knew I could not let go of it. I knew there was more to be learned through this. And that has been the one of the most important things in all of this. The constant dealing with this, has moved us further along than I could have imagined. Yes sometimes we falter and fall but we always pick ourselves back up and move forward again.
All the best kbr!
Jenn

[kbr]

I knew I could not let go of it. I knew there was more to be learned through this. And that has been the one of the most important things in all of this. The constant dealing with this, has moved us further along than I could have imagined. Yes sometimes we falter and fall but we always pick ourselves back up and move forward again.
All the best kbr!
Jenn

This is how I feel. I can't let this go and sweep it under the rug, like I have so many times, if I want to save my marriage. For the first time this weekend my husband realized that his actions have had some real consequences on his life. Because a check he had written was returned, I made him tally up the amount of money he had spent on porn and it was a shock to both of us the large amount. I think in the moment he wasn't thinking about the money at all. He told me that he didn't believe that he needed help until he looked out how much was waisted on his addiction and confessed that the months that I had to help him pay his bills were months that he spent a lot more that he expect on P. He finally went to speak to a counselor, thank God, and I believe that this is something that we can work through if we deal with it day by day.

[BrokenHeartedAgain]

Hi KBR,

Well you definitely have to determine what your boundaries are and what you are willing to accept from your H at this time in your life. Make a list and give it to him. I think with this P addiction you have to come to an *end with it all... you have to come to a point that you just won't take anymore and can't take anymore. Your H needs to hear this and see this from you.

I don't care what end of the spectrum you are on the P debate (you can read about mine in my journal)... but when P or ANY thing in a marriage causes distrust, lying, hiding, sneaking, dis-honesty, pain, tears, hurt, self-image issues, relationship issues, sexual issues, family issues, financial issues... IT IS WRONG. That in itself should be enough right there to tell you and your H that something is wrong.

Stay strong and don't allow the common lies of P to persuade you from what your heart and soul tells you. Big hugs.

[kbr]

Hi KBR,

Well you definitely have to determine what your boundaries are and what you are willing to accept from your H at this time in your life. Make a list and give it to him.

I am in the process of compiling this list now actually and reading this was confirmation that it was the right thing to do. I have struggled with this because I don't want it seem like an ultimatum but it kind of is. If he cannot stop these behaviors than I cannot stay. The #1 thing on my list is seeking help for his addiction and it has to happen soon and frequently. I don't think this is something that can be fixed in one visit and will not be conquered without help. Thank you so much for your reply. It makes me feel better about the way that I feel. I am angry that I am in this position and I have to let my husband know that so he can see that his actions do have consequences.

KBR

[stillandagain]

I wonder if you would consider a different way of framing this? instead of thinking its an "ultimatum," could you consider it "taking care of YOU"? finally?

just a thought

[JenMac]

I am in the process of compiling this list now actually and reading this was confirmation that it was the right thing to do. I have struggled with this because I don't want it seem like an ultimatum but it kind of is. If he cannot stop these behaviors than I cannot stay. The #1 thing on my list is seeking help for his addiction and it has to happen soon and frequently. I don't think this is something that can be fixed in one visit and will not be conquered without help. Thank you so much for your reply. It makes me feel better about the way that I feel. I am angry that I am in this position and I have to let my husband know that so he can see that his actions do have consequences.

KBR

Hi KBR,
I really did not consider it an ultimatum for my H. Rather I considered it a choice for me. I have every right to choose to live my life in an environment where I feel safe, respected and loved. I can't feel that way in a home where P is. It was the right choice for me, and my H would tell you today, that it was the right choice that he made as well.
You are so very right to say your H has to see that his actions have consequences. And you need to tell him that as many times as you feel the need to say it. As I have said, I feel like one of the main things that I did right in all of this was to keep it in the forefront for the long term.
Glad you are writing that list KBR. Mac says that reading my words had a huge impact on him. He read them over and over again. There is a power in the written word!
All the best!
Jenn