Quite Confused

[kbr]

So I am very new to this. I had no idea that PA was real. I know I sound very naive but that is my truth. I recently found out that my Husband was addicted to P and I was devastated. I quickly wondered what I was doing so wrong that he was choosing to be intimate with online women instead of being intimate with me. I found out that my husband has been paying for a webcam site and has also been using our home webcam to show himself to the women that he was watching. It was really just way too much to take in. I am trying very hard to be supportive.

A bit of history: My husband have been married for almost 3 years and the entire time we were married he was sending and receiving explicit pictures to/from his phone. He would send and receive explicit text messages to/from women as well as emails and facebook messages. When I found out he initially lied about it and said it wasn't him. I know that is hard to believe, but I believed it. When the truth came out, because I caught him red handed, said he would stop but in two months he moved on to a new girl. He said it was just for fun and that he didn't really want to have s*x with these women. I actually made him leave the house because of this and when he did return, he had to promise to stop. He has had one relapse since then. But recently I found out about this site and learned that he has been a member since our first year of marriage and spent quite a bit of money. Once I bought this to him, he shared with me that he thinks he has a problem. He says that he wants help but has not yet found any place to go for that help. Because of all of these things, I am now suffering from a poor self image. I have people stop me all of the time and tell me that I am beautiful and he tells me that as well. He also gets very upset when other people admire my appearance. This is so confusing to me. He tells me that I am so beautiful but he also tells other women online. I started to look at myself quite differently now. I wonder if he is really attracted to me because all of the women on the website are of another race than myself. I feel embarrassed writing this and ashamed because I feel like I have failed as a wife. I am hurt but I want to help him get better. Is that being foolish? I am so confused....

[BrokenHeartedAgain]

kbr,

I'm so sorry for the pain that you are in... I want to tell you that you are not alone and this forum has a very welcoming close group of women that are here to lend an ear and give you help, support & advice.

I'm going through all the same things myself and I agree with you it is ALL SO VERY CONFUSING. Just know that you are beautiful and this addiction your H has is a sickness he has to deal with, YOU DID NOT CAUSE IT. The problem is that it leaves us as SO's damaged and hurting. Please keep posting even as painful as it can be sometimes it is helping you to post and get your feelings out. It will help you to start to see what YOU need to do for yourself.

Hugs to you... stay strong.

[kbr]

BrokenHeartedAgain

Thanks so much for that reply. I really appreciate that feeling that it is not just me. It is horrible to know that so many SO's go through this but it is also comforting to know that so many have come out ok, whether they staid married or left their partners. I have really prayed about this and I was so glad to find this site.

Thanks again for your kind words.

[stillandagain]

I know it sounds weird, but WELCOME here, you are not alone.

take some time and read a few journals. OUR story is YOUR story.

its painful. Its a freakin' rollercoaster.
Its POSSIBLE to get on the other side, together, if you work together!

you have come to a good place!

[cvanden]

Welcome and as the others have said, you are far from alone.

Wishing you many moments of peace during the road ahead.

-Colleen

[IN NEED OF HELP]

He says that he wants help but has not yet found any place to go for that help.
I wonder if he is really attracted to me because all of the women on the website are of another race than myself. I feel embarrassed writing this and ashamed because I feel like I have failed as a wife. I am hurt but I want to help him get better. Is that being foolish? I am so confused....

kbr

I hope you dont mind, if I just say a few things here.

I am a PA, and I have been here for about 6 months now to get help. as for your husband getting help I would suggest that he went to SAA metting. This is a very good place to get the help that he needs. he can go to the website, and find out where the closes meetings are in your area.

I am in no way going to stick up for your husbands in his actions. to be honest, it makes me sick, to think of all the pain that us addicts, have cause to the ones that we love, and hold so dear in our lives.

I just want to say, that yes, I do feel that he is attracted to you, and he does feel that you are a very Beautiful woman. what us addicts done, has nothing to do, with how we feel about you. We are sick, and we just got rapped up, in a very sick, perverted addiction. also, us addicts, are blind to what a real relationship should be like, and we don't know how to deal with them the right way.

I know that you as an SO, may not understand what I am trying to say, and I do respect that. I live with who I consider to be the most Beautiful woman, who walks this earth, but yet, I have destroyed every bit of her, because of my actions. to this very day, I do not have the answers as to why I would go online, to seek that perfect woman, when I had her next to me, for the past 12 years.

I do hope and pray, that your husband, finds the much needed help with this addiction. it is a very long ,windy, bumpy road he is on, but he can smooth it out for himself, if he truly wants to be free from this addiction.

I also, pray, that you find here, the help that you need, to deal with what us addicts have done to your heart. there are so many wonderful SO"s here, that will do all that they can,to help you with your pain.

Thank you, for allowing me, to post here. I wish you the best in your journey.

[kbr]

INOH,

Thanks so much for those kind words. It is great to hear the other side. I, as many other SO's, feel like somehow this is something that we have in some way caused. We forget to look at PA as any other addiction. I appreciate your insight and thank you again for giving me another perspective.

[Cupcakemomma]

Hi KBR,
Welcome to TTF. I know you are hurting now, but there is so much support and kindness to be had here. All of us have shared some version of that journey and we are here to help. Take care for now.

[WayFarerNation]

You are a strong woman to confront your husband multiple times on his P use. Your self image regarding this problem should only be derived from your strength to confront him and tell him how you truly feel. That is not a poor self image to me, it is a demonstration of strong self esteem.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

INOH,

Thanks so much for those kind words. It is great to hear the other side. I, as many other SO's, feel like somehow this is something that we have in some way caused. We forget to look at PA as any other addiction. I appreciate your insight and thank you again for giving me another perspective.

I do know that many SO"s for some reason, takes the blame for what there sick PA spouse has done. but this is in no way, any of the SO"s fault. I know that in the beginning, my SO felt it was her fault, because she isn't pretty enough, she doesn't have that wonderful body, or she isn't that other race I was looking at. It is so sad, that us addicts, take away so much from our SO"s. I made her feel like she wasn't worth calling herself a woman. Us addicts know that our SO"s are beautiful, and they are truly the only woman, that we want to be with, but the thing is, we just have a bad way of showing our SO"s how special they are to us.

So in what happened, is in no way any blame to you. you are just a victim in this, and you were hurt very bad.
I am just glad that you are here, to get help with the pain that you are going through