one year on and stick stuck with the pain

[Lm222]

Hi all!
It's been a long time since I was last on here......and just over a year I realised the true state of my SO porn addiction. In fact I realised it a long time before he did. So many months I hung on, was totally codependnt and dying inside....all the time putting up with his mood swings, denial and secrets. I finally ended it last October. Still at this point he hadn't admitted to himself the truth. I just couldn't take it anymore. I finally got the courage to face my biggest fear, letting go. Its been a tough time since then, not only recovering from the effects of this disease to my mind and soul but my own personal battles with my past and reasons I was attracting this into my life. Why had become a codependent sex addict in the first place. I discovered a lot but in the process came to know more and more details about his porn addiction and how they were'nt just 'fantasy'. Not only did I have to come to terms with his very specific sex addiction to porn, I came to realise the people in real life that fuelled that porn addiction. I have gone through one of the worst years of my life. Never felt to insecure and fearful. So alone and isolated. So able to see this problem in all facets of life, so compelled to communicate to the world how we are slowly and very successfully being brainwashed. My SO and I are not together but my heart still belongs to him. He has tried to come back but I was just an addiction for him. When he had to face himself and be held accountable he could just never fully do it. He just ran away and hope it would go away. But the problem is, it won't. No matter how hard I try, how hard I want to think positive thoughts I can't. Sex, my self esteem and own sexual mental health has been destroyed. I'm locked in memories of his porn use, his desires for specific scenarios which spilled into real life. The women, some of I knew, his colleagues, friends etc, that he fantasized over regularly. The celebrities who continually added to his urge for glamourised sex and his fantasy land.
I can't even try to move on to someone else. The pain is still to deep, too ingrained in me. The idea of objectifying is all around me....everywhere you look. I'm faced with his fantasies if I want to watch my favourite TV programmes, or look at the magazine shelves, or go on the internet.....in fact everywhere. No matter how much I want to stop hurting, I can't.

Well, there it is for now. I hope this doesn't instil fear into other SO about their own recovery. Everyone is individual and I don't think its normal or healthy that I still feel like this a year on.........

I am making a promise to myself to keep posting regularly. I know talking about the feelings helps, but this isn't an easy thing to discuss with anyone except those who have the realisation and courage to rid it from their lives like we all have

[maggie]

The pain is still to deep, too ingrained in me. The idea of objectifying is all around me....everywhere you look. I'm faced with his fantasies if I want to watch my favourite TV programmes, or look at the magazine shelves, or go on the internet.....in fact everywhere. No matter how much I want to stop hurting, I can't.

Well, there it is for now. I hope this doesn't instil fear into other SO about their own recovery. Everyone is individual and I don't think its normal or healthy that I still feel like this a year on.........

Hey Lm,

Sorry you are still in pain but I'm glad you came back here for help. It's been over a year and a half for me too, and no I am not healed either.

In fact, as time goes by and this problem and its pollution of the mind begins to grow, I see the triggers are everywhere. If we as fm's notice ( it ) on every magazine cover, in almost every movie and tv and commercials.....how do men fighting this problem control it ?
It must be a constant battle for them to not notice it all and everywhere.

It causes anger and sadness. I have fleeting moments of hope that good people will wake up and see how this obsession is ruining lives and families. What about children ? They are seeing these images everywhere as well.

Have you seen some of the little girls in the modeling competitions?... Some barely 4 - 5 years old...impressionable babies....having their hair bleached blonde, wearing makeup and glossy red lipstick and way too grown up outfits.

What is this teaching them about being a female. To flaunt it for monetary rewards and applause ?

maggie

[JenMac]

Hi all!
It's been a long time since I was last on here......and just over a year I realised the true state of my SO porn addiction. In fact I realised it a long time before he did. So many months I hung on, was totally codependnt and dying inside....all the time putting up with his mood swings, denial and secrets. I finally ended it last October. Still at this point he hadn't admitted to himself the truth. I just couldn't take it anymore. I finally got the courage to face my biggest fear, letting go. Its been a tough time since then, not only recovering from the effects of this disease to my mind and soul but my own personal battles with my past and reasons I was attracting this into my life. Why had become a codependent sex addict in the first place. I discovered a lot but in the process came to know more and more details about his porn addiction and how they were'nt just 'fantasy'. Not only did I have to come to terms with his very specific sex addiction to porn, I came to realise the people in real life that fuelled that porn addiction. I have gone through one of the worst years of my life. Never felt to insecure and fearful. So alone and isolated. So able to see this problem in all facets of life, so compelled to communicate to the world how we are slowly and very successfully being brainwashed. My SO and I are not together but my heart still belongs to him. He has tried to come back but I was just an addiction for him. When he had to face himself and be held accountable he could just never fully do it. He just ran away and hope it would go away. But the problem is, it won't. No matter how hard I try, how hard I want to think positive thoughts I can't. Sex, my self esteem and own sexual mental health has been destroyed. I'm locked in memories of his porn use, his desires for specific scenarios which spilled into real life. The women, some of I knew, his colleagues, friends etc, that he fantasized over regularly. The celebrities who continually added to his urge for glamourised sex and his fantasy land.
I can't even try to move on to someone else. The pain is still to deep, too ingrained in me. The idea of objectifying is all around me....everywhere you look. I'm faced with his fantasies if I want to watch my favourite TV programmes, or look at the magazine shelves, or go on the internet.....in fact everywhere. No matter how much I want to stop hurting, I can't.

Well, there it is for now. I hope this doesn't instil fear into other SO about their own recovery. Everyone is individual and I don't think its normal or healthy that I still feel like this a year on.........

I am making a promise to myself to keep posting regularly. I know talking about the feelings helps, but this isn't an easy thing to discuss with anyone except those who have the realisation and courage to rid it from their lives like we all have

Hi LM!
Like Maggie, I want to welcome you back to TTF!
I am sad that your life is affected so severely by this dreadful addiction. I am always sad to see the devastation left in the wake of this upheaval in our lives.
Even though you have left your relationship, there is much healing to do for yourself first and foremost and I am glad that you are seeking solace and comfort here amongst people who know only too well what you are going through. There is a strength that can come from being with others who have walked your path LM. I have found that to be the best part of being here at TTF.
The pain can indeed be immobilizing at times. It is truly a trauma! But if we work towards healing for ourselves in an active way, we can find peace, I truly believe that.
I am glad you are here! Let the healing begin!
Warm wishes!
Jenn

[BrokenHeartedAgain]

. The pain is still to deep, too ingrained in me. The idea of objectifying is all around me....everywhere you look. I'm faced with his fantasies if I want to watch my favourite TV programmes, or look at the magazine shelves, or go on the internet.....in fact everywhere. No matter how much I want to stop hurting, I can't.

LM22,

This is exactly how I am feeling... I feel like I see stuff that isn't even there and the things that trigger me... make me feel crazy sometimes. I don't feel like I can stop hurting either. I hope you learn how to heal and start to live life and be happy. No one should be hurting this much.