Lost

[BrokenHeartedAgain]

5/7/2011

I don't even know where to begin really. I will try to keep it brief... from the first occurrence to now.

I met my husband when I was 18. When I first met him I noticed some magazines in his room at his house.. but I figured it was nothing since he was a single guy. I told him then how it made me feel and I guess the first red flag.. was his response to me about that. He told me he didn't like being controlled, but he did get rid of them... or so I thought. Our sex life was always great. Now thinking back to those years I realize how well he covered his tracks and hid his collection from me.

We married in 1996 and we were pretty happy. I desperately wanted to have a baby so we started trying right away.. it took us 2 yrs to get pregnant. After I had our daughter it was those wonderful moments of having our first baby and being a family. Our sex life definitely wasn't the same as I was learning to be a new mom and recovering from giving birth. When our daughter was very young I discovered my husband using porn late at night. I then found out he had a huge collection and stash he kept in the attic. That was when I realized this was much more than I could handle. I left that night took the baby and stayed with my sister for 3 days. My husband promised he would stop.. told me he was even embarrassed of it and felt he had a problem... We went to therapy but for some reason we stopped. I'm having a hard time remembering why. I think we only saw a marriage counselor at that point so his "problem" was never really addressed. As our marriage went on.. I really did believe he stopped. I didn't see any glaring signs or indications for a while.

Then, my husband took a new job and we moved and bought a new home.. I felt like a we could have a new start and I was so glad to leave behind the memories in that old house. Shortly after we moved into our new house I found out I was also pregnant with my son. It wasn't long before I started noticing him flipping the channels fast on the t.v. if I would walk in the living room late at night. We had basic cable but some of the channels had some soft-porn stuff on them. I knew this because I was always aware of what was playing on the t.v. So... even though I couldn't prove it I knew what he was watching. I caught him doing this several more times off and on over the next couple years but he would always flip the channel or turn it off..

One day I came home earlier than expected and found him looking at porn on the computer in our bedroom while our children were in the living room. I lost it... the fact that he would do it with them right there in the house. They could have walked in at any time. I threatened to leave but living so far away from any family.. I had nowhere to go except a hotel... and I never forced him to leave. He managed to convince me yet again... and held me crying and begging me to stay... how much he loved me. I think these are the reasons I never left him for good... I could see his pain and hurt for the pain and hurt he caused me. I KNOW he really loves me... so this must have been the reasons I've always stayed like I do.

Several more years go by... now I'm pregnant with our 3rd child... our daughter. For the last 2 years I honestly thought he wasn't viewing ANY porn. I felt happier and (this is the real kicker to this time) I actually even felt like I was FINALLY able to forgive him for all the past years and slip ups. I felt like I was falling in love with him all over again.

Then it happened last week.... even though I checked the computer religiously just like I have for years.. I somehow missed the previous 2 years worth of files. I walked in to ask for something when he thought i was asleep and saw a screen full of porn.. he quickly turned it off and wouldn't even look at me... he just sat there staring ahead. He had been drinking a lot this night. I really lost it this time... I was SO blind-sided. I actually slapped him across his face and I've never done that before. I pounded on his chest, I screamed and cried... this time HE WAS LEAVING... not me... I forced him out the front door, threw his hat and shoes out after him. Well he was too drunk to drive so he stayed out in his car. He kept coming in to try to talk to me... I finally went to bed in utter exhaustion took the kids in our room with me and locked the door. I found out in the morning he snuck back in and slept on the couch.

The next day of course the same thing would happen... he cried and cried telling me he was soo sorry and that he had re-lapsed and he said he just got too drunk. I laid in bed all day that day crying off and on. He kept trying to talk to me and begged me to let him stay and he would get help. All he wanted to do was hold me... and I was sooo distraught all I wanted was for him to hold me too even though I tried and tried to push him away. I finally gave in.. and of course we had sex. In the early years.. I was sooo completely repulsed and actually hated him... I would not have sex for weeks. Then, as the years went by I gave in more and more. I don't know if it's his way of manipulating me or what but he always has a way of doing this to me, and next thing I know he's back in my bed. Now, I'm feeling so old, and fat and ugly... I'm desperate to have him want me more than the porn. I don't understand why I'm still here... I don't understand why I want sex so badly from him after he does this to me. I think it's because I feel so unwanted.

He has his first therapy appt. this Tuesday with a therapist who is supposed to have experience with sexual type addictions. So we will see.

My problem is I just don't feel like I can go on like this anymore. We been around this circle so many times before and it just seems like it will be never ending. I'm getting older... I don't have the young body anymore and I CAN'T and WON'T accept that his looking at porn didn't have anything to do with me... I have always been very active in the bedroom... our sex life has always been good by most anyone's standards. I can't stand to even look at myself anymore... all I see is a disgusting, stretched out, sagging body... how could he POSSIBLY be attracted to that after filling his mind with all of those images of perfection. He's almost 50.. why does he still need this... WHY AM I NOT ENOUGH?

My own body image is ruined.. My confidence is gone. My trust in him is gone. I am exhausted from the years and years of constantly checking up on his every action.

The only reason I feel I have stayed the last few times is because I had young children and not really anywhere to go... I didn't want to be alone. I wanted to stay at home with my children. I didn't want them in a daycare. So, I thought I would just have to ride it out till the kids got older.

Then over the last few years... I just feel like I love him more than I did the first few times. I don't want to leave him... but my fear is that's not really my love talking it's a co-dependency and also enabling. I don't even know anymore. All I know is there is something REALLY wrong with me for staying. I'm scared and I don't know what to do.

On the whole... we have a really happy family life. I think can I give them that life if I left him? My kids would suffer having to go through a divorce. I would have to work instead of staying home with them (my youngest is 2) On the other hand.. I am not the real me. I've lost my zest for life. I'm depressed my anxiety has gotten horribly worse to the point I have insomnia. I don't enjoy being a mother like I should. I am avoiding any social life for myself.. i'm becoming more withdrawn. I even quit my passion and business that I worked my whole life to build. I HATE being me right now.

[rosie]

BHA, welcome to TTF and I am so sorry you are so sad :(

I resonate with so much of what you write, it's scary. But I have to say that IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU. Not ONE single PART of it is about you.

I did everything I could to be more sexy, I even considered breast implants but my husband was horrified (so am I, looking back, I am not that kind of person). I thought it was me, but it wasn't.

Sex and intimacy is not about your body. it is about your hearts connecting.

Why do you want sex after he has done this? I have an answer for this I think, because this is how I am too. I think it's because we see them vulnerable at that point, and we want to connect with that. Sex is a way into that world. But not only that, I think (and others on here probably don't agree with this), but I think that my husband has a cycle with porn where he does it in order to feel. Even though what he feels is shame, those things are inside of him - from his life. And porn allows him to feel those things, even though they are awful. The initial high is the pay off, followed by the shame. I think the reason why he keeps managing to get me to stay is because after he relapses, I get to see the truth, the real him, he has broken down his walls and hit the bottom again, and his constructed false self is gone. I love that guy on the inside, I Just don't love the guy on the outside.

I don't have the answers for you but I can resonate with everything you have said. I too have 3 children and my husband just relapsed last week after me telling him that if he did it again, he is gone. We are about to discuss divorce. :( I am also a photographer and I know what it is like to completely neglect the creative side of your life. This porn thing is so consuming. I lost the will to even live at times throughout this journey so I do understand totally what its like.

The only thing I can say to you is keep getting support for you. Keep sharing. Pick up the camera and capture the love and joy in your babies - it will soothe your soul. Connect with people and love yourself through this.

Take care and hope to read more of your journey soon.
((big hugs))

[stillandagain]

Reading this makes me ill. So familiar to my first marriage. YOU can and will survive this. The agony and rage. There are people here to walk with you. Keep writing, talking, getting it out. Take care of you. I know its easier said than done.

The thing is, I could have written your post. As painful as it is to say that, I realize that I can say it, that I am saying it, that I can affirm that there is "the other side" out there in the distance.

I am and will be praying for you.

[JenMac]

Hi BHA,
Your story is heartbreaking. Your pain is so evident in what you write. Let me first tell you that you are no longer alone in this. There are many here who have experienced what you have and while that doesn't take it all away, I know for me it helped in that it gave me a good feeling to know I was not alone in my thinking or my pain. Others had experienced this too, which meant I was not going crazy, I was not overreacting, I was only responding to the trauma that had appeared in my life.
You will find many of us say that there are such similarities in what you lived through. Many of us have had discoveries too numerous to mention. Many of us have stayed through previous times with our H's telling us all of this would stop. Many of us have ignored the 'signs' and hoped against hope that all was well.
The issue of self esteem is unfortunately the price that many of us pay for our H's addiction. It is hard to put those thought to rest while in the midst of this upheaval. I have found that I need to not allow myself to think that way, to not get mired in the thoughts of other women and comparing myself to those images. Hard as that may be to do, I feel it is necessary for my mental health and wellbeing not to let myself go to that place. There are many beautiful and accomplished women BHA whose Hs have this problem and so what does that say?
I, like you BHA, was totally blindsided by the latest discovery of my H's P use. I thought we had left that waaaay behind in our lives. I was in a very good place in my life. I was happy and content and had just gotten back to a great place after another upheaval in my life due to other circumstances. I was totally happy, totally in love. It all crashed in a matter of seconds upon discovery.
BHA, I did know right away that I could not/would not live with this in my life. I told my H within a matter of hours that exact thing. My H's response was that he would give up P. Did I trust that? Not at that time really. I chose to give it a wait and see attitude. I chose to make no decision about my marriage until I had time to gather my wits and determine my thoughts, feelings as well as how my H approached his recovery. There were months of the process of recovery for both of us. So much learning took place during this time. I would say that it was after about 5 months, that I consciously made a decision that my marriage was worth fighting for and determined what I needed to do for my part in that.
We are still here BHA. 13 months later my H, mac and I are here. Stronger, closer, wiser than we have probably ever been. It has been a difficult journey with many ups and downs along the way but there have also been many blessings as well. I have seen my sweet, kind, loving H return to me with more confidence and a deeper understanding of himself and our relationship than he had in the past.
BHA, I encourage you to look up the term 'hysterical bonding'. I had the same experience you have had in your response to intimacy with your H. It surprised me immensely and worried me too. It surprised me so much that I actually googled to see what I could find about it and that is what I found. I felt that it described some of what I was experiencing. Maybe you will find it helpful as well.
I agree with rosie that intimacy is not about the s*x, it is about the connection between the 2 of you. When feeling close and connected on a deeper level, the intimacy you can experience is so completely unbelievable, something so much more than s*x alone can ever give us.
BHA, I hope you are able to find some peace for yourself today. Even through these difficult times it is important for you to care for yourself.
I am glad you are here, that is a very good first step!!
Hugs and healing!! I hope you will find TTF to be the blessing in your life that it has been in mine!
Jenn

[rosie]

Wow Jenn, thanks for that term! I will go look it up now too.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

BHA-

I am so sorry you are going through this heartache. I have had some similar experiences with catching my husbad and then believing he was done over the years. I told him that if it happened again, I was gone. THen it happened again and I am still here. Why?

This time I am not believing words. This time I am demanding action. If I don't see action and active recovery, I am gone. This time, I have the facts and we both have a real plan. This time, we are both working on recovery. I don't see this as co-dependant. I think of it as doing everything it takes to save what was otherwise a good marriage. And this time, I know, and more importantly, my husband knows, it is the last chance. If active recovery and actions don't change anything, then nothing will. If I have given it my all and nothing happens, then what's the point?

So, my experience tells me that you both have to hit rock bottom before you can actually decide what to do. If you want this time to be different, you must decide what you are willing to live with and you must see action. If you won't or can't, then this time will likely not be your last time.

I hate how badly you feel about your body. It is not you. Its not. Your husband makes his choices because he wants to and because he can. It is his deficiency, not yours. Do you go out and seek relief from seeing his 50 year old body? No, because he is more than a body to you. I know its hard to deal what this does to your self-esteem. Please stay here on TTF and see that you are not alone. Things can get better.

Is your husband here? I am glad to see he will be going to a counsellor. What else? Is he putting accountability software on the computer and parental controls on tv? Is he taking action?

Hugs to you and I pray for peace for you.

[cvanden]

Oh sweetie, I feel your pain and wish I could give you a big ole hug. My suggestion would be to really think about taking care of yourself right now. Consider therapy for you, see if you have any s-anon meetings in your area, talk to your family dr about the anxiety/depression.

I know the pain of wondering why you aren't enough. At times it felt like I was turning myself inside out to be what I thought he needed, to be "enough". I know it is hard to believe, but it really isn't you. Please, please, please don't internalize this as your fault. YOU are more than enough and YOU are so very precious. Do you hear me? PRECIOUS. Please try to regain sight of that. One step at a time, I know it can be hard. I'm figuring it out as I go too.

Much love and support,
Colleen

[BrokenHeartedAgain]

wow you guys are AMAZING... i can't even respond yet to your posts... i am crying like a baby... I feel SO MUCH support from you guys it's just too overwhelming. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I will come back and respond more... I just need some time to take in everything you've said.... just wow.

[BrokenHeartedAgain]

Rosie,

I do agree with what you said about why we have sex after... he is so different.. he is more kind more caring more attentive to me and I bet that has a lot to do with why I do that. Then shortly after it seems he turns back into a different person again someone who I feel doesn't really want me around and doesn't want to hear what I ever have to say. I've realized that he has has these addictions even before we met.. so I've we've never connected really. I wonder what he would be like without the addictions I imagine he would be more like his is in the bedroom.

[BrokenHeartedAgain]

Jen Mac,

Wow I googled the term histerical bonding... yep that fits me to a T.... THANK YOU so much for mentioning that. I feel like the main reason I do it is because I am craving for him to want me more than the porn and if I can get him to do that... then in my mind... everything is okay for the moment. Also, just because I am sooo utterly lonely and lost and craving for ANYONE to show me affection at this point.