Piece of My Heart

[Hibiscus]

I've had a nearly impossible time motivating myself to start a journal. It's not a lack of things I need to say - more like too much to say; too much swirling around in my head to get it all onto the page in a coherent manner.

But I have to start somewhere and it was a song that prompted me to finally dive in and begin. Janis Joplin singing "Piece of My Heart" popped up on the radio while driving home today. I haven't heard that song in years, but it amazed me how much it encompasses how I've sometimes felt at times over the years.

Come on, come on, come on...
Didn't I make you feel like you were the only man, well yeah,
An' didn't I give you nearly everything that a woman possibly can ?
Honey, you know I did!
And each time I tell myself that I, well I think I've had enough,
But I'm gonna show you, baby, that a woman can be tough.

I want you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby, (break a..)
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah. (have a..)
Hey! Have another little piece of my heart now, baby, yeah.
You know you got it if it makes you feel good,
Oh yes indeed.

You're out on the streets looking good, and baby,
Deep down in your heart I guess you know that it ain't right,
Never never never never never never never hear me when I cry at night.
Baby, I cry all the time!
And each time I tell myself that I, well I can't stand the pain,
But when you hold me in your arms, I'll sing it once again.

I'll say come on, come on, come on, come on, yeah take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby. (break a..)
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah, (come on…)
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby, yeah.
Well, You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good

I need you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby. (break a…)
Break another little bit of my heart, darling, yeah. (have a)
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,
You know you got it (waaaaahhh)
Take a…Take another little piece of my heart now, baby. (break a…)
Break another little bit of my heart, and darling, yeah yeah (have a)
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,
You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good


I've questioned myself, time and again, why I have chosen to stay in my marriage. Later this month will mark the 25th anniversary of our first date. PA has been the third party in our relationship throughout. Of course, I had no idea the extent of his issues with P in the earlier years. It's been a long and exhausting journey from discovery to discovery. Eventually I knew it had entered his life as a young child and, I believe, played a critical role in who he grew up to be and the choices he has made in his life. He became a person of secrets...a closed book, often fiction.

About 5 years ago we had the biggest blow up of our entire relationship. Things came out that I had never imagined possible and it made me question virtually everything about "us". For quite a while I felt like I didn't even know him. He even looked different to me. Sometimes I would startle when I caught him out of the corner of my eye, like a stranger had slipped into my living room.

I wanted to believe that was the turning point for us, but the changes and motivation he showed faded quickly. A few changes were permanent, but not nearly enough and we both slipped into old habits. Him back to deception, avoidance, and an I don't give a damn attitude and me back to my default mode of angry and resentful on the outside and deep sadness and loneliness on the inside.

The latest discovery was November 10, 2010. But this time was different...I was different. My strongest motivating factor for staying was about to shift. Our daughter heads off to college this fall. I told my husband I was moving out after we got her settled in. And while I had threatened to leave before, this time he knew I was serious. I had a plan, a reason, a place to move to, and much of my angry verbal attacks were replaced with deeply sad words and many tears. It felt like the battle was ending and I'd lost.

So I guess we have finally joined what I often see referred to around here as the "relapse is not an option" club. We both know this is it. Thus far, my husband has chosen recovery. He has done amazingly well with phase 1. It's even more remarkable because he also gave up smoking a few months prior to all this and has succeeded at that as well! Phase 2 of recovery has been a little more stop and start and what I find most frustrating. But there has been more forward motion than backward, so I have hope. It sounds naive after so many years of this mess, but it genuinely feels different this time. Maybe it was the perfect storm of factors - age, timing, knowing I will leave this time...me finding TTF!

I told my husband last November that I felt like a vase that keeps getting broken. The first time, maybe it breaks into a couple of big pieces and you're able to glue it back together again. But with each subsequent break, it gets more difficult to piece back together. The cracks are more and more noticeable and eventually some tiny fragments are lost forever and leave little cracks and holes. I will never be the same after everything that has happened in our marriage. His PA has changed who I am and has taken things from me, our daughter, our marriage, and from him that I still mourn. But I am still hopeful (some may call it delusional, lol) that he will not allow PA to break me and and our relationship again.

I'm not seeking promises, I'm observing actions...time will tell.

[JenMac]

Hi Hibiscus!
I am so glad you have decided to start a journal! I believe you will find it to be so helpful to you in your journey.
Hibiscus, it is a scary thing when we decide to committ ourselves to trying to work this out together with our husbands. So very scary! In fact, I don't believe that I made that decision until I was about as far along in the recovery as you are at this time. I took a wait and see approach to it all in the beginning.
About the 5 or 6 month mark, I came to a decision that I did believe my marriage was worth fighting for. NOw a lot of healing and dealing had happened along the way but there was still so much hurt and turmoil that it took me that long to actually make that decision.
Sounds like you guys are on a good track! I really believe it is a process with deeper and deeper learning along the way so I am sure that that will continue to happen for you guys too.
Our trust has been shattered Hibiscus but there will be repair to that as we move forward. We protect our hearts, as well we should, but as we see our Hs become more confident and committed in their recovery and assisting us in ours, we become a little less wary.
Relationships can be rebuilt H, but it takes a lot of hard work and committment from both parties. But I can tell you, when it works it is so worth it! A deeper connection can be forged through all of this and that I would never have thought possible!
Wishing you well Hibiscus!
Jenn

[rosie]

Hi :) I love how you write - so expressive and eloquent.

I totally relate to the stranger. I remember one day I was working at my computer and my husband was standing looking at me through the kitchen. Usually I can feel people looking at me, but I didn't know this person as I had never seen him before. When I caught a glimpse of him looking at me, I didn't recognise him at all - it was the 'real him'. He had this whole other look about him, his eyes were a different colour, darker, more 'real' than ever before. I got chills down my spine and froze as I let out a loud gasp - I was truly startled, and that was the day that I knew I had been living with someone who had a side that I had never seen before. It was absolutely chilling. This was approximately 6 months ago, and we had been together for 10 years at this point.

Your vase analogy is absolutely perfect.

Welcome again and looking forward to reading more of your journal :) Thanks for sharing with us!

[cvanden]

Welcome Hibiscus, The vase analogy is so accurate. I know what it is like to see all the pieces on the floor and know that I don't have the patience to pick them all up and glue them back together. Wishing you and your spouse the best in recovery. So glad to see you here.

Colleen

[stillandagain]

I, too, love the vase analogy. It works for me as well. As you and I know, our stories are similar. My first PA marriage, 26 years long, sounds much like yours, except that I reached a moment of DONE, and was. One daughter was out of college, one nearly done.

This current marriage to a PA is different, but the PA isn't.

I, too, am a member of the 'relapse is not an option' club! I do not apologize for it! It sounds like clarity is another quality you and I share.

How sad it that!

[Hibiscus]

Thank you for the welcomes and encouragement. Journaling is really difficult for me. When I'm all fired up about something, I don't have the patience to journal. But once I calm down, I seem to lose the motivation.

Jenn, I hope my husband continues to build momentum and dive deeper into phase 2 recovery, like Mac clearly did. Like Mac, I know my husband's main motivation for phase 1 was damage control. It was crisis mode and RINO was all I was willing to accept. He now admits that previous attempts to quit were half hearted at best. It was more along the lines of "let things calm down for a while and cover my tracks better next time". He now says this is the first time he has realized and accepted how devastating this has been to me and our marriage. More importantly to me, he has owned up to using relationship issues, work stress, etc as an excuse to avoid intimacy with me and use the easier outlet...when that is exactly when he should have turned TO me, now away from me...away from us. I feel like that is a huge step in the right direction.

This is the first time I have ever heard him mention feeling better about himself as a result, and I take that as encouraging. Like I've read many of the PAs on TTF mention, he is not one to share his emotions freely. Sometimes I feel like I'm playing 20 questions. I still get frustrated and have a difficult time understanding why it's so hard for an adult to just say what he's feeling...or to understand my feelings. We still have a long road to travel in that respect.

Along with The Porn Trap, I also ordered Love You, Hate the Porn. It just arrived today so I haven't read much of it. But I skimmed through and it is very relationship focused, if anyone else is looking for more reading material. They mention in the book that, while there is much work for each party to do individually, the focus of their book is on mending and rebuilding the relationship. It looks like much of it is spent explaining to PAs the devastating effect P has on their partner. One part that caught my eye tried to explain why, just when they're starting to feel great, we may sink into the pit of anger and sadness. I think most of us have been there at various points. I know sometimes it's even frustrating to me that I can't stop that fall, which makes it even harder to explain it to my husband.

I was very triggered last week. Just one of those strange days where a series of random events made for a trigger filled day. It was nothing my husband did or said. In fact, he was feeling great that day and initiated intimacy that night. Despite his best efforts (lol), my mind and body just weren't cooperating. I couldn't shut my mind off and relax. The reason I mention this is because I felt like he wasn't picking up on any of it, and that made me even more frustated. Then all of a sudden he stops and says something along the lines of, "Well, something must have really triggered you today." At that moment I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time. It's so sad that we have to deal with all of this. But to hear my husband say he knows I've been "triggered" and acknowledge it's a result of his actions and something we just have to deal with and work through...priceless!

I've seen others post what they are grateful for and I think that's a great way to wrap up a journal post. So today I'm grateful for...

A daughter who has always known her passion and followed it.
Frozen margaritas
Tonight's warm evening with all of us on the deck swing.

I hope the sun is shining tomorrow for each of you.

[JenMac]

HI HIbiscus!
I love your gratitude list! I have found gratitude to be huge in my recovery! It is something that I learned through Alanon and so I adopted it here as well. I find that reflecting on Gratitude can really help to change my mindset when I feel down.
Triggers happen H! They can come right out of the blue. They can come from sad times and happy times. They can come quickly or build over time. They can be conjured up through our own minds or come quickly when we least expect it. Sometimes we have control over this thinking and sometimes it feels like not so much.
I hope your H is open to learning this time H! I believe that it is possible if they are willing and receptive to learning. It seems like you H is open to this H! I truly hope that is the case!
Wishing you all the best to both of you! I want you to know that recovery is not only necessary but can be such a wonderful thing for both of you once you reach that place. I pray for you to get there H! It is worth the effort!!
All the best!
Jenn

[Hibiscus]

I am beyond frustrated and feeling scared. What felt like a potentially big step forward now feels like it has set us way back. It always shakes me to my core when something I foresee as being a big positive somehow nosedives in the opposite direction.

While my husband had agreed to read The Porn Trap, he still hadn't taken the initiative to do so on his own. I've mentioned that he hasn't appeared to have a lot of difficulty walking away from P. He's insistent that something just clicked and he now sees how much damage it's caused and doesn't want to perpetuate that damage. He's chosen our marriage.

I thought maybe he was reluctant to read the book because he may feel he is past the stage of needing to be convinced to give up P or shown how to give it up. But the part I feel I'm struggling to get him to understand is how deeply damaging this has been to how I feel...about him, about myself, about our marrige. It's not from a lack of freely expressing myself - he would probably tell you I express myself too much! But I feel like he stops hearing me because there is so much emotion when I try to talk about this subject. Honestly, I don't know how anyone could possibly expect an SO to be able to discuss this without emotion. But I thought reading the partner's perspective, from the narrative of a stranger in a book, would somehow feel less confrontational, so I asked him to read 2 of the sections - Partners In Pain, and Healing As A Couple.

I was hoping it would prompt some discussion, but it was still like pulling teeth. I pushed for conversation and he got defensive and angry. We somehow made it past that part and did have some discussion. But honestly, it was less discussion and more him grabbing the book to read headings and say, "you've mentioned this, you've said that", and not digging any deeper. What really shocked and upset me were some comments he made that made it sound like he was saying the book and TTF are where I am getting all my talking points! So here I am wanting him to read the book to see that there are some universal feelings that SOs experience and I am far from the only person to feel this way. Yet somehow, I'm left feeling like his take-a-way was that I am using the information to brow beat him and perpetuate the pain we're in!

Today I've felt really down. I didn't get any sleep and that certainly doesn't help. But he was up and about and even whistling throughout the house. That always throws me off. It makes me feel like we are so incredibly disconnected. It's not that I want him to feel just as crummy as I do whenever I'm feeling down. But to see, hear, and know that your spouse is feeling incredibly sad about a very recent interaction (that also went unresolved, as is often the case), and not feel compelled to do something...try to talk, hug me, be present - anything that shows you notice and care? I don't understand that and it always hurts.

He eventually did approach me, but only because he was leaving to get his hair cut. It took me pointing out how sad I was to get any reaction at all. But it just seems like he has very low tolerance for my continued emotion surrounding our relationship and all things related to P. I feel like I am stuck because of his reluctance to discuss things and work through them. He feels like constant discussion keeps us stuck and doesn't allow us to move on. I feel like I am aiming for forward motion through the mess and that he is aiming to hop over the mess and move to a fresh start. How in the world do you both move forward together when the approaches you each want or need are completely different?


Today I'm grateful for...

My adorable dog grinning.
Banana Moon Pies
That I know my husband loves me, even when we're not on the same page.

[JenMac]

I am beyond frustrated and feeling scared. What felt like a potentially big step forward now feels like it has set us way back. It always shakes me to my core when something I foresee as being a big positive somehow nosedives in the opposite direction.

While my husband had agreed to read The Porn Trap, he still hadn't taken the initiative to do so on his own. I've mentioned that he hasn't appeared to have a lot of difficulty walking away from P. He's insistent that something just clicked and he now sees how much damage it's caused and doesn't want to perpetuate that damage. He's chosen our marriage.

I thought maybe he was reluctant to read the book because he may feel he is past the stage of needing to be convinced to give up P or shown how to give it up. But the part I feel I'm struggling to get him to understand is how deeply damaging this has been to how I feel...about him, about myself, about our marrige. It's not from a lack of freely expressing myself - he would probably tell you I express myself too much! But I feel like he stops hearing me because there is so much emotion when I try to talk about this subject. Honestly, I don't know how anyone could possibly expect an SO to be able to discuss this without emotion. But I thought reading the partner's perspective, from the narrative of a stranger in a book, would somehow feel less confrontational, so I asked him to read 2 of the sections - Partners In Pain, and Healing As A Couple.

I was hoping it would prompt some discussion, but it was still like pulling teeth. I pushed for conversation and he got defensive and angry. We somehow made it past that part and did have some discussion. But honestly, it was less discussion and more him grabbing the book to read headings and say, "you've mentioned this, you've said that", and not digging any deeper. What really shocked and upset me were some comments he made that made it sound like he was saying the book and TTF are where I am getting all my talking points! So here I am wanting him to read the book to see that there are some universal feelings that SOs experience and I am far from the only person to feel this way. Yet somehow, I'm left feeling like his take-a-way was that I am using the information to brow beat him and perpetuate the pain we're in!

Today I've felt really down. I didn't get any sleep and that certainly doesn't help. But he was up and about and even whistling throughout the house. That always throws me off. It makes me feel like we are so incredibly disconnected. It's not that I want him to feel just as crummy as I do whenever I'm feeling down. But to see, hear, and know that your spouse is feeling incredibly sad about a very recent interaction (that also went unresolved, as is often the case), and not feel compelled to do something...try to talk, hug me, be present - anything that shows you notice and care? I don't understand that and it always hurts.

He eventually did approach me, but only because he was leaving to get his hair cut. It took me pointing out how sad I was to get any reaction at all. But it just seems like he has very low tolerance for my continued emotion surrounding our relationship and all things related to P. I feel like I am stuck because of his reluctance to discuss things and work through them. He feels like constant discussion keeps us stuck and doesn't allow us to move on. I feel like I am aiming for forward motion through the mess and that he is aiming to hop over the mess and move to a fresh start. How in the world do you both move forward together when the approaches you each want or need are completely different?


Today I'm grateful for...

My adorable dog grinning.
Banana Moon Pies
That I know my husband loves me, even when we're not on the same page.

Hi H!
I so understand where you are coming from! You need him to 'get it'! He needs to understand your pain and there is no way to bypass that! He can't just 'hop over it' to a better place. He needs to OWN IT. And until he gets that, your healing is stuck, stalled!
If he is not understanding the full extent to which this affects you I feel like he is still in a somewhat selfcentred mode. He just wants to move ahead and forget all about it. Don't be fooled by that H! Maintain what you are trying to put forward. That is what I have learned this time round. I needed to keep this in the forefront at all times! I needed mac to 'get this'! I think that was some of what was missing the previous time. Not only did he not understand the damage to himself, he didn't get the full extent of how this affected me. Only through reading of others here, was he able to understand that it was not just me who had these feelings, but many who had experienced this betrayal.
I am sorry you are feeling down today as well H, but I know you are on the right track with your thinking! Mac and I went through this too. We were either dealing with this full force or we were pretending that it wasn't there at all. It was only with time that we learned, and are still learning how to deal with this on a continuous basis, and that is what works best for us.
Best wishes to you H! Do what works best for you! He will need to learn about what is best for you as well!
Hugs!
Jenn

[stillandagain]

for what its worth, Beanhead is reading The Porn Trap - some of it out loud to me.
We are liking it, very much

May it be so for you
it has really helped our understanding