Learning to love again

[RMH]

Today I wrote a letter to my SO. I explained to him what I wanted, what I needed and set some boundaries for the bedroom. Hopefully this will communicate to him better than any discussion, e-mail or phone call could.


I'm so tired of giving him another chance. I've threatened to leave him at least 2 other times that I can think of if he didn't quit the P and MB. I wonder what makes this time different?? He says he's stopped, hasn't looked for 2 months and doesn't plan on it, but how can I believe him? He's said this before. It's destroyed our marriage. I don't feel like a woman, let alone a pretty one. I deserve to be treated better... with respect, with dignity. I don't deserve to be stomped on like a doormat, to be taken advantage of.

How do I come to terms with my anger, my hurt, my resentment towards him?? How do I learn to trust what he's telling me? I can't help but remember all these times he's lied to me, even when he tell me now he's not.

It doesn't help that right now we are geographically separated, so we both must go through this period of time in our lives alone. And it makes the healing process that much slower becuase I can not trust anything he says while we are apart. I don't know, nor do I have control, over what he is doing - all I can do is trust what he is saying, the one thing I can not do right now.

[Crisodian]

RMH,
The letter and boundaries are a great start. The physical separation has to be a real challenge to deal with.

As you have been through this before, you admit his words mean little or nothing. So, are there things he can do, while you are separated, to show you he is in recovery? Can he publicly journal where you can read? Is he a member of a site such as this, where you can "see" his progress? Just some thoughts for you on things he can do to help show you he is making progress.

Learning to let go of the fear and the lack of control is one of the worst parts of healing from this as an SO. Ok, let's be honest. There are lots of really cr*ppy parts. But that constant, nagging, "what if".... what if he's acting out, what if he goes back and hides it better, what if he is lying again... is the nastiest part. It's hard to let that go. So, so hard. I've been on the SO recovery roller coaster with my H (after the last, last, last ultimatum) since September of 2009. He's been in recovery and relapse free since then.

But for me? Somedays it's good. Other days? Not so much.

You need to find support and healing for yourself, no matter what happens. Find your "self" again. You deserve to feel like you are a strong, powerful, beautiful woman who has a right to be respected and cherished in her relationship and her life. Do something for yourself today. No matter how small. Something just for you.

Find peace,
~C~

[Mac]

Hi! there RMH

Welcome to TTF. You have come to a really great place for guidance and support with the place you find yourself in right now.
The letter you wrote to your H was a really great idea. I remember getting a letter the same from my wife Jenmac (also a member here) back at the start of my recovery. This was a huge thing for me at the time and I have received several letters since and it is always a big impact thing for me.
All the feelings of insecurity and mistrust is just the way it is going to be. You have been betrayed in a huge way. It will take a long time for your H to regain this trust and being apart really doesn't give either of you the chance to get that going. You need real action on his part, action you can see, not just words. Only then will you be able to get started on a path towards recovery.
Be true to yourself and be very specific with your H about your needs. Be sure he always knows where you stand.
You say you have been through this before and you ask what is different this time. That is the big question and one that your H very much needs to answer for you.

Anyway you will find others here that have been through the exact things you are going through , so be sure to come here often and get the support you need.

I wish you all the best

Mac

[vintageturtle]

Welcome, RMH. I'm so sorry that you need to be here, but it is a great source of support.

How do I come to terms with my anger, my hurt, my resentment towards him?? How do I learn to trust what he's telling me? I can't help but remember all these times he's lied to me, even when he tell me now he's not.

This is tricky, especially since you're geographically separated. I think there are two parts to rebuilding trust: your H acting in a way that proves you can trust him, and you deciding to trust again. It's up to your H to change his behaviour, and it's up to you to decide if you are going to trust him again. Sometimes, it feels like taking a leap of faith, and it is. I know I have felt at times like I was stuck in a place of mistrust and fear, and I had to be brave and push past it to become unstuck. He can't really, truly prove that he is trustworthy until you do put trust in him again, regardless of how well he behaves. It takes time; it takes small steps that build on each other.

As for coming to terms with your anger, again, I think it's a choice you have to make. I found that I moved past anger fairly quickly, but hurt and resentment were more difficult. One thing that helped me was to realize that remaining stuck in my negative feelings didn't help either one of us, least of all me. I was not happy being stuck there. It helped me to see it not as something I was doing for my H, but something I was doing for my own happiness. It's another leap you have to take, and it can be very freeing. Taking those initial steps towards letting go of those feelings not only made me happy, they helped me to see that my hurt and resentment didn't change anything, didn't help anything. They didn't make me feel better, and they didn't help my H's recovery, either. He needs to feel hope, to know that he can recover and things can change, that I won't always be hurt by it. But mostly, it was for my own sake. And it's still an ongoing process, but I am making progress.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

RMH-

Mac is right. You need to see concrete actions, not words. What's different this time on your partner's side? What is he doing besides telling you he's not looking at P? Is he going to counselling or SA or some other program? Does he have accountability software on his computer and no access on his phone? Is he being open and honest with you in all aspects of his life and your relationship? Is he caring and understanding and not defensive? Does he take full responsibility for his actions and the harm this has caused you, him and your relationship?

What's different this time? Words are not enough.

I wanted to ask you about something you said.

I've threatened to leave him at least 2 other times that I can think of if he didn't quit the P and MB. I wonder what makes this time different??

What's different this time for you? Everytime you say you will leave and then don't when the behavior continues, that sends a powerful message to your partner. So you either have to mean it, or don't say it, IMO. I said it, and then I stayed, so its easy to say, but tough to do! But, I see action, so that's what make the difference for me.

I hope things go well for you and your relationship.

[RMH]

RMH-

I wanted to ask you about something you said.



What's different this time for you? Everytime you say you will leave and then don't when the behavior continues, that sends a powerful message to your partner. So you either have to mean it, or don't say it, IMO. I said it, and then I stayed, so its easy to say, but tough to do! But, I see action, so that's what make the difference for me.


I hope things go well for you and your relationship.

WONLM:

If we had not had this geographic separation immediately following my last threat to leave, I would be living in an apartment right now. So this time I was dead serious and ready to go, but I couldn't because we have kids, and he was leaving anyways within a few weeks, it just wasn't feesible to do that right now.

But I completely get what you're saying, saying and doing are two different things. I really hope he understands just how serious it is and how serious I am about not putting up with the lies, the betrayal, and the disrespect.

[RMH]

I've been doing a lot of thinking, and reading. H mentioned something to me the other day about what may be causing my outbursts of anger, withdrawal from socialization, lack of communication on my feelings, having to be in control of every aspect of our lives, etc. Any of this sounding familiar to anyone? Well, the more I think about it, the further back I go, I think I've managed to pinpoint the near beginning of my problems when all this came about. My trust issues: Started at one specific point in my life. Everything pretty much except for the outbursts of anger all started at the same point in time. In late 2002. The Anger (outbursts anyways, I've had an anger problem for awhile towards H) just started recently after returning from overseas.. I credit that for just being out of the swing of things for a long period of time, getting used to being by myself, then wham! Back to reality of having 3 toddlers running and screaming and climbing on you - that's when the outbursts and heightened frustration started but hopefully will diminish with time..

I'm wondering when will P stop having such control over us. I used to be borderline obsessive with checking H's browsing history (Until he caught on and started deleting cookies too, don't know/think he ever used incognito windows or anything, but he is an Adminstrator by trade). Which article said that when one partner comes out of the closet about their PA, the other partner goes in?? That's about how I've been feeling as of late. Hard time concentrating at work, REALLY withdrawing socially, not really caring what happens (whether we stay together or not, him getting the kids, etc) I actually told my mom that I didn't care if he had the kids full time becuase it would give me more time to myself. Well first off that's pretty damn selfish especially since our kids love their mommy and daddy so much, and secondly, that about shocked the hell out of my mom to hear me say that, especially in light of all the years of infertility we struggled through, etc....

Today I'm just feeling a little down - need to find something to do with myself....

[RMH]

Today was a better day. I actually found a DVD collectin that I thought SO had taken with him when he left.. He consiously took it out and left it behind. I didn't believe him at first when he told me he had left them behind, I thought it was just another lie about him 'trying' to quit.... I was impressd.

So I took those, and went through my lingerie drawer and emptied it out. Well, not completely but I got rid of everything that *I* thought objectified the act of having sex and making love. I did keep some items that were more tasteful.

Hopefully this is a step in the right direction. I want it to be.

[RMH]

I guess the first step in recovery is to admit that you have a problem right?? You can't begin recovering if you haven't acknowledged that you have a problem to begin with...

Right now we are very limited in how SO can show me that he's making positive changes. So far all I've seen is him agreeing to my many ideas of how things can be better. "Yes, I should do this more" or, "I really want to start this" but I haven't seen any of the progress that he's promised me he would begin to make. We've been down this road before, are we going down it again??

[JenMac]

I guess the first step in recovery is to admit that you have a problem right?? You can't begin recovering if you haven't acknowledged that you have a problem to begin with...

Right now we are very limited in how SO can show me that he's making positive changes. So far all I've seen is him agreeing to my many ideas of how things can be better. "Yes, I should do this more" or, "I really want to start this" but I haven't seen any of the progress that he's promised me he would begin to make. We've been down this road before, are we going down it again??

Well RMH, this is not exactly true in this case. For my H, his recovery started upon discovery and his decision to give up P. In the beginning he was only doing that to save our relationship. The rest came with time and learning. And that learning came in stages RMH, each stage being a deeper understanding than the last. You see it is a process RMH. A long and difficult process but one where there is much learning and growth along the way! Until they step away from the P and the fog it leaves them in, I believe recovery is next to impossible. And so while they may not have admitted to or understood the extent of their addiction, by stepping away from it, they have made the first step towards recovery, in my opinion.
Don't be afraid to speak up for what it is you need! And be specific. My H would tell you that this was very beneficial to his recovery and in learning how to assist me with my healing, the fact that I told him clearly what it was I needed, what it was that I required of him.
And yes, you need to see action! That is how you will know that you are both moving forward. It won't all happen at once but as long as you are moving in the right direction, there is hope.
Wishing you all the best RMH!
Be kind to yourself and find peace in your day!!
Jenn