This Moment, Today

[cvanden]

I've been putting off starting this journal. In my mind I felt it wouldn't be complete unless I told my story up until this moment, today. To me it seems important to tell where I've been so that the reader "gets" me. There is just one problem. I don't want to. But here I am, in this moment. I suppose we'll just see where the fingers on the keyboard and the heart takes me. Ok?

You see, I've been living the cycle of discovery, confrontation, and denial for almost fifteen years. Every time we were caught in the whirlpool, I said, "this is the last time....I can't do this anymore." and yet I've lost count of how many times I let him trample my weak boundaries. How many times I LET him disrespect me (sometimes in front of me), lie to me, make me feel like the insecure, untrusting, crazy one. I've lost track of how many "one last chances" there have been and I've lost track of how many different ways I cried out in pain and anger. He doesn't get that he has rendered me numb and that the only energy I can muster any more is for ME to be healthy. He depleted my energy for him, for us. I have no more to give him. He disrespected the trust, he disrespected the love and he gave me a wall of avoidance, manipulation and anger in return for all the good things I tried to give him.

What I've asked for is space. I've now said to assume we will not get back together. I want a legal seperation. This has been an extremely difficult point for me to get to. To him, I'm sure, it seems that I changed overnight. But I didn't. It was a change that happened over months and even years. He says, "why now have you given up on me?" I'm saying, "Its time to love myself."

You know where I've been right? You don't need an outline of discoveries do you? I will say that we've dealt with the following:

Internet porn, chat rooms, phone sex lines, emotional affairs, innapropriate flirtations with other women, at least one semi-physical affair, trolling craigslist - gay.com & Ashley Madison. And I'm sure there are things I'm forgetting.

I do have hope for him. I do care deeply for him. Him accepting that this is an addiction is a HUGE step and I pray for him on his journey. However, I can no longer walk beside him.

So here I am. In this moment, today. Trying to love and heal myself. Trying to take care of me. I'm attending S-anon, going to a therapist and finding things to be grateful for in the everyday world.

Thanks for reading,
Colleen

[JenMac]

Hi Colleen!
Thank you for your post! You sent shivers up my spine!
I am so glad that you are here with us!

So here I am. In this moment, today. Trying to love and heal myself. Trying to take care of me. I'm attending S-anon, going to a therapist and finding things to be grateful for in the everyday world.

This, Colleen, is exactly what you should be doing! Caring for yourself, healing yourself and doing whatever is necessary to look out for your needs!
Colleen, I have attended Alanon and I have found Gratitude to be a huge influence on my healing and recovery! I hope you will find it the same for you!
I understand you, I get it how you have come to these decisions and I believe they are your decisions and yours alone to make.
It is difficult to share our stories Colleen, especially when we are feeling so vulnerable. I am glad you chose to share with us! There is a power, I believe, in getting those thoughts and feelings out.
Continue to take care of you! That is the most important thing right now!

Hugs!


Jenn

[stillandagain]

Hello, Colleen,

If you read my journal, especially today's post, you will learn that there are many similarities. I know that none of our our SO stories are the same, but I also know that there is such support here, such understanding - that this is a place where people certainly do "get" each other.

My prayers embrace you as you journey through this and every part.

To quote myself: what a freakin' rollercoaster!

~Linda, Stillandagain

[cvanden]

Thank you Jenn,

Gratitude is a very big thing isn't it? It is easy to get stuck feeling sad and depressed. After a recent S-Anon discussion about step three (turning over the care of our lives to God) a group of us were talking about gratitude and the balm it can have for your soul. How, taking the time to be truly grateful can reground us, help us think in the present tense and most importantly discover JOY. I started a gratitude journal and each night now I sit down and jot ten things that I am grateful for from that day. It is a nice release, no need for long paragraphs. Sometimes it is difficult to find ten things, sometimes it is difficult to limit it to ten... but I always feel better afterwards.

Thanks for the kind message,
Colleen

[JenMac]

HI C!
I so like your attitude! It is very much how I think of things! Perhaps it is the 'anon' influence? Even though I haven't attended much since this all came to light a year ago March, I still feel like I very much practise (or try to!) what I have learned there! I am so glad you are going! It is an awesome awakening!
Sorry you can't attend tonight, but I know they will be there waiting for you next week!
Keep moving forward! You have made many positive steps!!
Hugs!
Jenn

[rosie]

Hi C, Welcome to TTF :)

I too have given countless 'ultimatums' - and have not enacted them until this point. I am at a point now though, that if relapse or him not being serious in recovery was to occur, that I would be where you are now. Separated.

I admire your courage and strength to stand up for yourself, and to place yourself as a priority in your life. Bravo to you!

I hope that both you and your SO find healing for yourselves, and hope that you feel that you can reach out to us here on TTF who have and are travelling the same path as you.

Take care,

[cvanden]

As we all know, this thing in our lives takes on a life of its own. After a while we change to suit it or to rebel in little ways against it. Some of us became enablers, some acted out in their own ways. For me it was both. I know there were and are times when I look at myself and I don't really know who I am or I don't like who I became. The "problem" in the relationship takes up this HUGE amount of space and reaches into all aspects of life. You start to wonder if the PA/SA addiction or behaviors (we only recently labeled it as such) are the true problem or if all the other stuff is the problem and the acting out is a symptom. It all becomes so wound up and tangled that you just want to shove the whole mess in a closet and never again open the door.

Ever had a panic attack at work, while driving, at the grocery store? Ever find yourself curled up on the bathroom floor with no will to go on sobbing like someone beloved just died? Yeah, sucks.

I have my own elephants to tame.

After our car got repo'd my husband started driving my van and I, due to proximity, started riding the bus home from work (his schedule was such that he could drop me off in the morning). On the way to work one morning, the morning show was talking about how the number of women signing up for a specific website that is aimed at married people finding affairs spikes right around Mother's Day. The idea of this site bubbled in my head all day at work and for the next few days. At one point I went home and created a profile. The responses were more plentiful than I had expected. It made me feel guilty and excited all at the same time. I was just angry enough to overlook the guilt. I had been "good" and loyal throughout our whole relationship up until this point and what I was doing felt like a drop in the bucket compared to the battle field he had dragged us through.

One night on the bus I came up with, what I thought, was a brilliant plan. I would offer my spouse the opportunity to date others for a while. I was so tired of feeling like the back up girl and I thought that this idea had the ability to make or break our marriage. I thought I would then know once in for all if he really wanted ME and it would give him the opportunity to really know for himself as well. We married very young and neither of us had many other serious relationships. I reasoned that we were headed for divorce anyway and that if we could both have a chance to experiment within mutually agreeable guidelines maybe we would end up seeing that our marriage was worth saving after all. Yes, in my plan I would get to date as well..... HE HATED THE IDEA. He was still resisting therapy, we were about to lose our house to foreclosure, everything in our lives was falling apart. On May 5th, 2010 I was laid off. With virtual fires all around me, and no hope for my marriage, I continued to flirt with other married men on A.M. without his knowledge.

Ugh, that's as far as I can go today.

- Colleen

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

cvanden,

I can relate, not to everything, but enough. I became a person I didn't know either. The good news is, we can come back.

[cvanden]

Three things I've been thankful for this week:

01.) Being held accountable to get my exercise in by a couple friends. Got a phone call this morning by the bestie saying, "get out of bed, get dressed, we may be an hour away from each other but we can go for a walk at the same time." So, I pulled myself out of a warm bed, got dressed and went for a walk with the cell phone to my ear. Exercise and a good chat. Win, Win!
So this week I've done 1 zumba class, 2 water aerobic classes, and went for 1 decent walk.

02.) My kids are a challenge AND a joy.

03.) Signs of spring and summer are popping up. Here in WA that is always tempered with rain but the hope is there and once in a while we are rewarded with a beautiful day.

- Colleen

[cvanden]

Momma has earned herself a new pair of shoes. Woot, Woot!

Exercise shoes but still its gonna be so much fun to go pick them out.

I've hit my first Weight Watchers milestone and have now lost a total of 5.4lb. My best friend and I joined together and decided we needed little rewards along the way. The first reward is new tennis shoes (which we both need desperately). My tennis shoes are at least five years old....

So after next week's weigh in we will head out together for some shoe shopping.