Not feeling the same... And unsure of what to do...

[FaithStrengthLove]

I love my PA. He's been my best friend for close to two years now, and he's been both boyfriend and best friend since October of last year. My PA means so much to me, but lately I've feel like my feelings for him are lessening... I still love him, but I feel as if that love is moving into more of a friend love and not the love of a significant other. Lately, I've been feeling like I don't care what he does. If he does it again, I don't care. If he doesn't, I don't care. I don't feel sad, I don't feel angry or hurt... I just feel... Nothing. I feel apathy. I know this isn't good. I don't want to feel this way. I love this man so much, and my son loves him. He tells me he hasn't done anything, I don't believe him... But more than that I just don't care. Randomly, I will care, but it quickly fades back into nonchalance.

I don't want to feel this way. I know what happens when I feel this way... When I feel this way, I start cutting people out of my life, and I do it with ease.

[JenMac]

Hi Faith!
I am sorry you are experiencing this but I guess it may be a good time to reflect and to determine what it is you are expecting from this relationship in your life. Perhaps this addiction has pushed you towards these feelings and the feelings will return as recovery happens, or perhaps the relationship is waning and won't recover to where it was. You are the only one who will know this.
I remember my counsellor telling me about a woman who had been betrayed and wanted the relationship to heal and so was willing to do whatever she could to fix things. 6 months later, that same woman came back and related to the counsellor that she was ending the relationship as she had had time to work through things but then realized that she just didn't want it anymore. It had changed her whole view of the man and their relationship. So initially, in the crisis, she had wanted to save it but on further reflection, she changed her mind. I think that happens sometimes.
For me, it went the other way. After about 5 months, I was really questioning things and I considered ending my relationship. I then considered whether it was worth fighting for, and I determined that it very much was. And if it was worth fighting for, what was I prepared to do to fight the fight? How was I going to put those things in place in my life?
So Faith, you will have some thinking to do and in the end, you are the only one who can make those decisions! And you know, you don't have to make them right away. Time will help with that! It has a way of making things so much clearer to us.
Wishing you all the best!
Jenn

[rosie]

Sorry to hear this faith :(

When I feel the way you are feeling, it is usually disconnection - I am abandoning my feelings (and myself) because it is just too much. That or, it's time to make the call. I too have cut people out of my life without a backward glance shortly after feeling this way. I have always told my husband that I might be patient with him in many ways, but that I hit a cut off switch quickly and I was afraid that would happen with us if he didn't seek recovery.

I think it's necessary to detach from the feelings sometimes - you are experiencing trauma and immense hurt, and in my opinion we need to sometimes retreat from that to take care of ourselves a bit.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you well!

[stillandagain]

It sounds like you are saying more about "I don't believe him" than "I don't care."

At least thats how I am hearing it for me, so I apologize if I transfer my current state into yours.

Bottom line: take care of YOU. This journey is so painful and devastating. I have sacrificed myself to it for so long.

I pray it is not so for you.

[FaithStrengthLove]

StillAndAgain, it's a mixture of both. It alternates. Maybe me not caring is a defense mechanism... I don't know. I think we're both trying, but it may be too late. We have our good moments, but I guess I'm unsure of what I want.

[FaithStrengthLove]

Some days are good... Some are bad. I notice I'm very short with him. He irritates me so easily sometimes. I find it hard to control that.

I think yesterday was a fairly good day. The days when I care the least are the best. I guess I'm learning to find my happiness within myself once again. But I'm not sure if I know the difference between being happy without him and being happy within myself.

Today, I feel a little irritable. I haven't worked out today, so I'm thinking I may be able to combat my irritability by doing so.

[stillandagain]

You wrote: I guess I'm learning to find my happiness within myself once again.

It seems like more than guessing!
It seems like progressing!
My conclusion, however, would NOT be that you DON'T care,
but rather that you are TAKING care of yourself.

[FaithStrengthLove]

Thank you for that :)

[JenMac]

Hey Faith!
Missing you here and hoping you are doing well!!
Remember to keep taking care of you!!
Hugs!
Jenn

[FaithStrengthLove]

Today is a good day... So was yesterday. I'm taking care of me, and we are doing a little better. I still worry that he doesn't take this as seriously as I do, or that he doesn't realize how hurt I am... But I am getting better at expressing myself to him. I am still having a hard time with irritability. I'm more irritable and extremely short with him at times. I am trying to work on that, though...

Breaking up with him would be the easier thing to do... But a part of me still thinks that there is something here worth saving. I guess that is why all of us SO's are here, huh? :)