disillusioned tries to start a journal of gratitude

[Disillusioned]

Jenn, my guardian angel here, has suggested I start a journal of gratitude to remind myself that as bad as I feel about things with H, there are good things in my life. She is right, of course, as I tend to just skim over the things I usually appreciate greatly because I am tired, not feeling well, and sad over my marriage.

One thing that I found that I can share with others comes from a book entitled "The Self Esteem Companion" by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning, Carole Honeychurch, and Catharine Sutker. It is an exercise to self soothe, and it really does seem to help accentuate the positive instead of drown in the negative.

I'm writing this in my own words as I remember from what I read just last week. You start with three cleansing, deep, slow breaths. At the same time, you concentrate on your body, trying to relax from the toes up to the forehead.

You take your dominant hand and touch your thumb to your index finger. When you do this, think of a time you felt loved and cared for. Embellish it with as many memories as possible, smells, sounds, touch, etc. I go back to when I was little and my mom kissed me goodnight. I remember how the blankets smelled clean from hanging out to dry on the clothesline. I remember how the little lamp beside my bed looked. I remember my little sister in her bed across the room from me, and most of all, I remember how much my mom loved me and how very well she cared for me. I also remember that it is up to me to honor the job she did by taking care of myself now that she is gone.

Then you take your thumb and touch your middle finger and remember a time when you were successful or accomplished something. I remember graduating from the 3 year diploma nursing program I attended. I remember thinking I was free at last, after a very long period of not being captain of my own ship. I remember walking out and realizing I would never have to return.
I remember learning to nurse my firstborn who couldn't seem to latch on. The hospital gave me a preemie nipple attached to a glass breast shield and I could see all the milk he was getting and was amazed. My breasts were small; where was all that coming from. I remember him sated and content, and then gaining weight and doing well.
I remember talking to a frightened second grader who had a splinter from the playground that needed to come out. He was crying with anticipation of the pain of the splinter removal. We used special splinter tweezers there, and usually that makes the removal much easier. I had the kids hold the flashlight for me so I could see better, as that gives them something to do with that anxious energy. Out comes the splinter to the surprise of the amazed student. I praise them for their braveness and thank them for their help and being so grown up. I think to myself, I have helped this dear one feel like he has a little more control over things that happen to his body, and I have shown him nurses are just people and not to be afraid of. We clean up the splinter and apply antibiotic ointment, and a bandaid and sometimes a cold pack to take down swelling and relieve pain, and I give the child a pencil to celebrate how brave and grown up they are. It's a little thing, but it's part of my goal to start people to see they are participants in their care.

Then you touch your thumb to your ring finger, and you remember sometime when you did something nice for someone, something you didn't have to do, something you didn't owe, something that had nothing to do with your job or your family. I remember walking into a convenience store on a long drive. Two young men were standing outside the store, agitated and upset. The front headlight and fender of their car was wrecked. The young man looks at me and says, he was driving back to college and fell asleep at the wheel, and he hit the guardrail. All his $ had gone to pay for gasoline, and he just wanted to buy a pack of cigarettes and some Pepsi to keep awake for the trip back. He offered to trade the clerk his cell phone which he assured me was worth 20 or 30 some dollars, but the clerk wouldn't accept it. I gave him $10 dollars. He said, I can't believe you gave this to me. Please, take my phone. I said no, that was okay. He said if you give me your address, I'll send you back the money. I said, no, that was okay. Just sometime when you get the chance, be kind to someone else. We left before the boys did, but I saw them with their hands full of snacks and pop...and to my immense disappointment (as my mom passed from lung cancer), cigarettes, but I suspect they would be able to make their way back to college and keep awake and alert.

Then take your thumb and touch your pinkie and think of sometime you loved someone with absolutely every part of your being, unconditionally. That was the easiest of all. I went back to my oldest son nursing from my breast. He had learned to smile and was cooing, and he smiled at me as he became sated, and milk leaked from both corners of his smile. Best stuff in the world, and an experience I was so blessed to have been given.

I look out the window or walk through my yard. I see the Virginia cowslips that Dad brought me starts of, the red trillium still trying to survive the nettle that has taken over that bed. I see one valiant purple primrose that has survived the nettles and is bright in bloom. I see hyacinths that were brought to Mom to encourage her to hang on for yet one more spring. I see tulips (those that rabbits haven't chewed off,and I think how they wouldn't be so bold if my beloved dog were not so aged and sick. I am grateful for her vigilence all these years and her friendship.). I see other perennials coming back and I am so glad Mom taught me the peace of the garden. For the most part these flowers do what they were supposed to do.
They are fruitful and multiply. I hear the wrens back and the robins and am filled with awe that they returned to our yard another year.

I sleep next to my h who I still love, and enjoy the sweetness of his breath on my cheek. I love his face, his hair, his strong shoulders and his gentle, but strong hands. I love the way he smells and tastes.

I remember my babies and the privilege I had to watch them learn and grow. I am thankful that my husband works so that I can be home with them and not leave them in hands of sitters who seem okay, but you can't tell what goes on with children not yet able to talk. I am thankful for healthy children, fuzzy hair against my cheek, soft wonderful,intoxicating baby skin and hands, and the sweetness of their breath, so fresh from God's own as He breathed life into them.

I am thankful for my mother who was so wise and shared that wisdom with me to her very last day on earth. I hope she feels that gratitude wherever she is. She spent so much of herself trying to make me a good person, a strong person, a caring person.
Mom, I hope I haven't let you down. I am not the strong glue you wanted me to be in our family. We're just not as close as we were when you were here. I need to take better care of my little brother and his family.

I am thankful for a sister and a brother so I didn't have to go through the loss and decisions to be made about our parents at the ends of their lives by myself. Their strength and our connectness helped me weather that storm and survive.

I am thankful to be able to hear, see, smell and touch...and should be a little more careful about enjoying taste so much!

Again, if someone takes time to read this, thanks. There are many things to appreciate if you come out of the darkness into the light.

disillusioned.

[TooSensitive]

D, you have a talent for writing, and for seeing the little things that are most beautiful in this world.

I hope that when life gets you down, you come back to thoughts like these to pull you through and lift you back up. You are inspring me to start a gratitude journal of my own!

[Disillusioned]

I have always found enjoyment in the little things, but have been depressed with this so long that I miss them too often. This helped remind me of who I am and where I used to live.

Good luck TooSensitive. My heart and hopes are with you.
disillusioned

[JenMac]

Hey D!!
What an awesome gratitude list!! Isn't it great to think of something happy for a change? If we only allow ourselves that, we will be better off!! D, I am so glad you allowed yourself that today!!
I agree with TS, you have a wonderful way of writing! Thank you for sharing that with us!
I can relate to simply every story you have posted here, from the little ones at school, to your own children, to the joy of your gardens, to the love for your husband. All make me happy to be alive at this moment in time!! Thank you so much for lifting me up today!!
(bighug)
Best wishes to you D!!
Jenn

And TS, do start a gratitude journal, you will be so happy you did!! I have found gratitude to be HUGE in my healing!!

[Disillusioned]

To all my friends at TTF,
I have great reason for joy. My daughter's sonogram let her see her unborn baby boy, ten perfect fingers, ten perfect toes, four perfectly formed heart chambers, kidneys, bladder, liver, all perfect. My daughter, my beautiful, sweet, snowflake baby of long ago, will be a mother in Oct. and able to hold her own baby for the first time. While I am afraid for her and always realize things can and do go wrong, as a mom and a nurse, I realize she has a chance of having a lot more support, and that this child will be received in love by both parents. I know my son-in-law's parents will be thrilled and very involved. I know my husband is excited. I felt such joy when my beautiful daughter described her unborn son and his movements as she watched him in awe as he was yet being knitted in her womb.
Life can be unfair and it can be tough, yet if you are quiet and put away your own disappointments, you can still take joy in the wonders and adventures of your children, and in the lives of others that you care about. You can marvel that young people still grow up and get married and enter the commitment of having a family in spite of all the chaos they have witnessed. I am blessed beyond my expectations, and so very grateful for the good news.

[Disillusioned]

Hi fellow TTF folks,
I have been reading Hibiscus' beautifully crafted journal, and I see so much of my own personal struggle with my H in her words. I am at a very weird position in recovery. H had said he thought he was a PA; now, he doesn't think he is. He really hasn't gotten far along in recovery or much past damage control. I am not secure and I know he is not safe from himself, and yet there are many things I am so grateful for.
Today, he said he would help me with my flowers, which meant we both went outside, and instead of working side by side as I had pictured, he, once again, did his own thing. He pressured-washed the deck. It truly needed done. Every once in a while, he would poke his head around and ask if I needed anything. I often did, and he moved pots around that I can't handle. I have weight lifting restrictions and a knee that is ready to replace, plus a nasty spinal stenosis. Not good when you need things moved. I asked him to bring a lawn chair and put next to where I was working, so he might take breaks and sit next to me, but he didn't.
Still, he was patient with my requests for help. He helped me clean up in the evening. He got supper while I was still working. He asked me to come to bed with him and told me he had been thinking about that since 8 this morning.
I love him after 41 years. I still see all the good that is in him and used to define him, till the P and other adult venues got in the way. He changed so dramatically in year two of our marriage. I didn't know what was wrong, but just kept trying to please. He smells wonderfully to me, and I still feel the funniest energy when I touch him. It makes me feel safe and yet invigorates me. I love to touch, and I have never felt anything like this when I touched any other person. He doesn't feel that from me, but that is okay. He feels like home to me when I touch him, and I love just touching his fingers with mine, or putting a foot to his when we are going to sleep. I love that I have that sense of home. I love that he is still a good person, and truthful to everyone else, even if he is not to me or to himself. I love his enthusiasm for his coming grandson, and I hope this child inherits many of his grandfather's finest qualities. I am happy that any other grandchildren we have will have him as a grandfather.

He won't read a lot of the books that I have bought and begged him to read, but sometimes, I will tell him come see this, and have him read a post on here that sounds like something I have said or felt or something he has said. Sometimes I will read something from one of the books I would like him to read, and he will listen. He never takes the initiative to read on his own, in spite of the fact he is a voracious reader...more fantasy.
He knows I love things in nature, so if he sees something and I am near, he will call my attention to it, or will come when I ask him to see something I have seen. Even though the P practically killed me, and even though I know it is not entirely resolved, he does sometimes listen when I talk to him about it. He says he gets discouraged that I bring up the same things over and over again, and he has answered them the best he can. I am not seeking retribution....there isn't anything I would want to do to him that would hurt him as badly as this hurt me. I just want him to "get it." Sometimes I think he is, and then he pulls away again. Still, sometimes is better than never.
As I worked in my front yard, I heard our orioles sing from their perches high in the tree tops. Such brightly colored birds, with a beautiful song assortment, yet they are shy and hard to find, unless you only concentrate on them. I used to work each year to discover their hanging nests, but I don't anymore. I am content that they are back, and I leave them to their business as I take care of mine and enjoy their song. I heard the male sing tonight and the female answer him from the nest, her one note plaintively repeated over and over, almost as if she missed being close to him and flying around the tree tops together. Soon, they will be frantically feeding their young.
My wrens did not come back and I miss them so much. We have a neighborhood cat who is an excellent hunter, and even though I shushed her away repeatedly, I believe she did in both sets of parents last year. I don't think their offspring survived or they might have returned. So my yard is missing their lively song, frantic activity, and turned up tails. Perhaps some other wren will come looking for a territory of its own.I have 3 boxes up waiting and H cleaned one out for me today.

I watched as the bumble bees moved through my blooming rhododendrons, making the air buzz with their activity, and a beautiful black swallowtail butterfly posed on a flower head waiting for my H to take its pictures. He does such nice photography. I don't know why he quit for a while, but he is getting back into it again.

The two spirea that my daughter ordered from an online nursery when she was at grad school in Houston are blooming. They were such scant, straggly starts, and I am amazed at their zest for life, once they got room to grow, water and a little fertilizer. I keep finding baby lupines among the weeds. The big one that parented all these kids is a showpiece, especially if I ever get it cleared out.

My daughter felt her growing son move from outside her body just Friday. She could feel him moving on the inside, but had not felt him from the outside yet. His dad just missed the kick. The baby is growing, and I love him already. I just hope I can be a grandmother to him and not an old woman who can't move much. I regret not taking better care of this body my soul is assigned to live in. I love listening to my daughter's experiences in her first pregnancy. So does, H, and it is fitting. He is her dad and he loves her so. He was actually brave enough to say he was a little disappointed that the grandchild is a boy, as he would have liked a grand daughter, and I know this is a reflection about how he feels toward our daughter.

My sister came out tonight with her lab Chloe. My Airedale just passed in early May, and I miss her, but I was able to fuss and love Chloe tonight, as my Julie would never have tolerated that before. She had rules, and that's just how Airedales are. I have been owned by one of two of these magical creatures for a total of 25 years and will surely run amuck without one. Too joint challenged to get another. So disappointed in my old, neglected body. Mom used to say, "We are too soon old, and too late smart." Had fun with Sis, and H, and Chloe. I am so grateful for family, so grateful H visits with us now. He never used to. So happy he shares more with me, and has grown in many ways. So grateful he tells me he loves me, even though when we were arguing about his adult activities, he told me he hadn't been in love with me since after the first year we were married. He is more affectionate, more loving, more thoughtful. I do have a lot to be grateful for. I don't know what the future holds. Sometimes I wish I could go far away so I could be safe from being hurt by him anymore, but I would miss him, every day. How I wish he could be satisfied just being with me. He says he is, but I know now what he has been doing when he traveled.
From Hibiscus, I see how even though you are in pain, you add the things that are still positive in your life at the end of each discussion of pain. It's not something you turn on and off. It is, every day, if you take the time to see it. Maybe it's in between tears, but it is there, always encouraging, always hopeful, and always mine if I take the time to look.
It was a good day today.

[JenMac]

HI D!
What a beautiful heartfelt post! I so love the way you write! And I am so happy to see the positive changes you are witnessing in your H. D, that is a such a great start and you never know where it will lead. I am sure your sharing with him has had more effect on him than you realize! Keep sharing!
I love your discriptions of your birds and gardens as that is something we have in common! I too just love nature!
D, so enjoyed this wonderful post! You are in a good space! Enjoy!
Hugs!
Jenn

[Hibiscus]

Disillusioned, thank you for the compliments and I'm glad there are things in my journal that connect with you. That's one of the things I really love about this forum. Our stories are all different, but there are also so many similarities. There is a comfort in knowing we are not alone in our struggles.

I can't take credit for the "gratefuls" I add at the bottom of my posts. I saw them in a few of the other SO journals when I first started reading here and thought it was a great idea. Sometime it's easy to get overwhelmed when your relationship is struggling or you are having a rough day/week...year, lol! I like that little reminder to myself that my life is filled with all sorts of little happy moments and pleasures if I just open my eyes and acknowledge them.

Hang in there, D. Those of us who have been in our relationships for a very long time understand that your husband is more than just his addiction. It's complicated, and messy, and confusing - and it's love, and friendship, and a history, and life built together.

[Disillusioned]

6/8/2011
I went tonight to meet my greatnephew who was born yesterday afternoon, after a very worrisome pregnancy. When I remember all the fear of the past nine months and the miracle that he was conceived at all, I am so thankful to the One who knew him and had his name in his Book of Life before he was conceived. What a surprise that the pregnancy occurred when there were slim chances of conception. What a miracle with a bicornuate uterus that he was carried almost to term. Her placenta split during her induced labor, and we could have lost both. We are so thankful to have them both, alive and healthy and ready to start their future together as a family. I looked at him in his grandmother's arms. I could see his father, my nephew, and I could see his grandfather, his mother's dad. He has the same blood type as all the kids and grandkids in our family except for one. It is my mother's blood type, and I know she would smile if she heard that news. I know she is there, and my dad, my beautiful sister and her husband, our grandparents...all a little in this new life, and I am thrilled once again that "the universe is unfolding as it should" (love that from Desirada). His soft fuzzy hair, sweet breath and soft sighs are just magic to me, and I am so grateful and so very, very happy. I was afraid to visit, not wanting to disturb them after yesterday's ordeal. They called and asked me to come. How wonderful is it that I be included when there are so many others that are even closer? I love this little one, and I promise to watch out for him as long as God allows me to be here, and in accordance with his parents' wishes. He is a bit mine, and the threads are strong and connect us. Thank you, generous God.
disillusioned

[Disillusioned]

Sometimes, I get away from the things which really do define me. I do not want P and its destruction to do that anymore.

I was re-reading my journal of gratitude. I was in my garden yesterday, trying to create new areas for things that are finding their toes crowded. Poor babies. I heard the catbird and his wonderful assortment of song. I smelled the hedge blooming by the side of our yard...so sweet and buzzing with the activity of many happy bees, I saw the finches frantically feeding their fledglings. I stopped at my late puppy's grave and was amazed to find the vines of the lower hillside have almost erased the bare earth over her sleeping body. So quickly... She left her pain and my presence just May 7. The vines covering her can't make me forget. Perhaps they are just blankets trying to protect her from rain, dew, snow, cold and heat.
I worked till dark, and enjoyed the lift of the fireflies coming from their daytime lairs to find others in the darkness. They remind me of sections of a orchestra, playing short solos, taking turns adding their own sparkle. I am cheated if I don't allow myself to sit at least once in the summer and take in the music of the lightning bugs' evening concerts.
The best news of this week comes from my sister and my niece-in-law and their new baby. My sister was rocking this little one, and marveling at his features and growth. He's approaching a month old and has gained weight and is much more alert. His mother began to speak behind him, and he tried to get his body to turn in her direction, the direction of the voice he already knows and trusts. His mother looked at him, amazed at his efforts and said to her mother-in-law, " I am so in love!"
Love is an investment into the future, committing to be present, and accepting of the past. How I have wanted this young, gifted, nurturing woman to have the privilege of falling in love with her baby. It was difficult, far from normal, pregnancy, but he is here and healthy and she is too. She and he have fallen in love. He for the first time, she for the most intense time of her life. I pray for this little family, for her husband's continued dedication. He failed miserably before this life was conceived. He failed as much as any here have in believing the lies of P, of extramarital involvements. They say this is behind.
I know what can be ahead, and I am so happy they go forward as a family to nurture this young one who was so challenged getting here. God watch over them, guide them, and love them.
My mom was buried in a sweatshirt that listed all of us, as flowers in her garden. There are two new blooms that have opened since she passed; five new plants added in marriage; two new buds to unfold. Her garden has continued to grow, and I am amazed at what she has sown. For these things I am grateful. I am reminded of Deserada…the universe is still unfolding as it should…