disillusioned tries to start a journal of gratitude

[Disillusioned]

Time to post in my journal of gratitude. I have been neglecting it. My SO journal of trials, understanding and growth still contains elements of gratitude, but this is my special place to save it, and I haven't taken the time to come here.

Today was windy, cold, after all it is January in Pennsylvania. It is still almost barren of snow and much milder than Januarys of the past. Today there was actually blue skies holding puffy white clouds, rather than gray, gray and gray. The sun did come out for a while and from this distance, I don't think it was wearing a coat or a scarf...just shining brightly and allowing its rays to strike our PA
soil and sweetness. Stay asleep tulips and daffodils; it's not time yet. I am grateful that for all of my years, spring did eventually come. The time of the singing birds.... While I miss that right now, I know it is coming. We are on the side of the rising sun now, as the days, though painfully short at present, are lengthening almost imperceptibly, but we know; we know it will come. I am thankful for the grand bird feeder my h bought me as he knows I love to watch them, and he has learned to love it too. I am thankful that he came to get me out of our computer room to see the fat squirrel, bravely out foraging right on the bird feeder again.
We had quit putting feed out because of the invasion of racoons who fought with each other and used our deck as a rest room. Capital Yuck! To my knowledge they have not noticed the food set out because of the pity we have for creatures out in the cold who must stay warm from the energy taken in as food during the daylight hours. How fortunate we are to be in our safe, comfortable homes, snug as a bug in a rug.
H came home from his trip last night, and it was wonderful to see him. I was so happy to have him with me again. Maybe this time he will be open, maybe this time I won't even have to ask, but he isn't and I did, and the beat goes on. I am satisfied in that my own progress has not plummeted to the cellar because of his refusing to open the door or look outside or even offer me the reassurance that all is well without my having to ask. Since I noticed a discrepancy in the struggle in his journal and the ease with which he represented those verbally and pointed it out, he has chosen not to discuss this with me. I am not safe. He is a man and perfectly able to handle the pains of growth and examination, but he still retreats as he did as a child. I am okay. That is to be thankful for. I still can have hope for him to come to an understanding about where this came from and his ability to deal with it.
He told me he had lost his driver's license going through airport screening, and knew he had put it somewhere in his belongings and could not find it. He even went back to the screeners to see if it had shown up. It hadn't. In talking to him, I suggested he might put it in his shoes next time, so he would have to look in them as he put them on and take the time then to put it in his wallet. He said he wouldn't want to put it in his shoes, as in yuck! I went over to turn on the big overhead light, so I could see in the various dark pockets of his suitcase, laptop, and other bag, and glanced at his shoe. There was his license looking right up at me. I started to laugh and said, guess what? He was amazed that his license was in his shoe. We both laughed for a long time and it felt good.

I talked to daughter yesterday and she and grandbaby were on the viewing part of the camera they got us for Christmas so I could see the little one. Oh, how wonderful he looked. He, who has been so unhappy about receiving Mom's milk from a bottle, is now taking it and remembering how to nurse when with Mom, just like the old pro he is at 3 months. He is still giggling and happy. In fact, other teachers from the day care have heard his giggle and now stop to see him and great him just to get a wonderful lift in his hearty, baby giggle. I told my friend here, BurnedOut, about him. How I believe he is like my mom and sister and I, in that, when he laughs, the elves dance. He has such a sparkle to his eye and that laugh is always ready, just as ours was. I have that in me too. It is not as fresh now, but it is still there, and it had been gone for so long as I labored to carry the burden of the SO. I am so grateful that it is back, even if it dims a little now and then. I love being ready to laugh...such energy and enthusiasm. I pray nothing harms that in him. He is medicine for the soul...giggles and sparkling eyes. What a gift from a loving God. I am so grateful.