Journal time

[Randomusername]

So it's been over forty days since I last caught my hubby, and things have changed dramatically between us. We have no Internet at home, he's gotten rid of all Internet capable items with the exception of my phone and our laptop, which are both only able to be accessed with passwords that only I know. He's seen our pastor about it and was referred to a therapist- with sessions starting with him in a week from today. He's started paying more attention (much more attention) to out one year old son and to me as well. I feel more close with him than ever before and I actually enjoy being intimate with him. I am so terrified of losing this. That we won't be enough for him anymore. He says how much happier he is but I know a lapse in judgement really only takes a few minutes. And there's no way to take one possible path to p out of our lives. His mom has high speed Internet and never locks her doors- her house is right by his work. I know that the moment that the urge hits, if he is not able to talk himself out of it there is a quick fix available to him. Good thing is, she is off and at home most weekdays. It may seems a little beside the point, but he has resisted mb for this long as well and there is less moral issue there, so that gives me hope. I just. I don't want to lose the husband that I have had lately.

[stillandagain]

your progress is very similar to ours

it scares me! I don't want to get complacent, and miss the "signs"

[TooSensitive]

I think it's great if we can enjoy the changes, but I agree with Still, we cannot become complacent (nor can they) and "miss the signs". It's good to enjoy, but we also can't become so comfortable nor so trusting that we don't see what's going on right before us, if something is taking place that we need to sit up and take notice of.

I think being aware of the worries is a good thing. I think giving thought to what they are capable of, esp. in the early days, is necessary. With time, this doesn't happen as often. But in the early days, I think it is important that it still does. Not that we want to spend, or should be spending, all our time obsessing. But we also can't just automatically trust that things are going the right way, either.

R, I am glad things have been going well, and I do hope they continue, but I also hope you stay on guard to some degree, too. Not to the point that it gets in the way of your healing or your life; but as much as you need to for your own reassurance and wellbeing.

[stillandagain]

TS said is better that I did, but the meaning is the same:

I also hope you stay on guard to some degree, too. Not to the point that it gets in the way of your healing or your life; but as much as you need to for your own reassurance and wellbeing.

For me, for now (and I don't know for how long), I need to "stay on guard." It feels right, and it even feels healthy, for now.

[TooSensitive]

Still, I always felt you had a simpler way of saying things with fewer words, that really hit home and really knock a punch! You are very articulate, in a very profound and poetic way. You're more on point than I am; I tend to go around in circles, all over the place, sometimes analyzing things to death! In the process, sometimes I even make myself dizzy...! What can I say, I believe it is my ADHD at play...but it's all good!

[Randomusername]

I tried posting once since my initial post, but it didn't work. I have revisited the site many times and I'm not certain that I should read other threads. It seems that nearly everyone I read has a husband who did more than just porn. It started making me panic-y and paranoid and I sincerely doubt that anythin else happened. Not excusing what he did but there is no need for me to make myself sick overthings that I am 95% certain did not happen. I'm not going through his with blinders on, and I'm always keeping my eyes open for signs of something more or porn use. My husband is doing well his counselor and seems excited to talk to me about what they discuss. He has decided to get rid of any movie we own that has any nudity or sex scene whatsoever. He excitedly told me about how two days ago he got his first strong urge for it and the way that he was able to use self talk "I am only feeling his way because I am anxious, if I use again, then this cycle would start again and I would feel like this even more. I don't want to feel like this anymore.". He told me when he framed it that way, there was no argument in his head, because there wasn't a way to refute it. He was extremely prod of himself, and I was happy that he was able to do that. At the same time, it hurt that he wanted sexual gratification from somehing other than from me. Of course I wasn't mad, and I am aware that it was infinitely better to actually doing it, but the fact that the desire for something else was there left me a little upset. So I told him both of those things, and it seemed to upset him a little that I wasn't more proud. This was a very calm conversation (pretty much all of them are). And I was proud of him and grateful that it didn't go anywhere, but I wish I were his only desire. Sounds a little stupid. Anyway, our relationship has continued to grow, and I feel like I'm in love with him for the first time. But this also leaves me vulnerable. I get upset over it for no reason and find myself thinking how ugly I must be. And my husband is wonderful, he holds me and tells me how beautiful he thinks I am and how he's sorry that he made me feel this way and all the things he loves about me. He leaves me voicemails at work about how he's thinking about me and can't wait to see me. He's always been very thoughtful and kind, but he's making more frequent efforts to comfort me (and it's the first time he's really noticed how unhappy I am- I am super introverted). But despite all this and all the progress he's made, I all the sudden feel like my world is falling apart. It could be that spring break is over and now I'm away from being with him and my son all day, it could be that my dad had surgery to remove his cancer this week, it could be that he had his first "real" urge (he's told me about other times it's come to mind, but this was different), it could be other people's journals I've read. Whatever it is, I don't feel good most of the time. Which is silly because when things were actually bad I didn't feel like this so often. And I probably sound stupid for being this unhappy when things have gotten so much better, and I believe him about his progress.

Sometimes, letting your guard down really hurts, I guess. I'm so good at controlling my emotions. As I've mentioned before, I teach a severely handicapped behavior class and have to make sure everything is calculated- tone, movement, language. I do not have emotional responses almost ever. Which is why I am good at my job. But letting down my guard wih my husband and becoming close to him has made me much more emotional in my home life. I feel like I actually love him in a romantic way, and that's so much fun and has been overwhelmingly a good thing. But at the same time, I become very upset about the fact that this situation had to happen. And I know that if it didnt happen we never would have gotten so close so in a small way, good came from it. I guess I'm all over the place with my emotions and it's frustrating because it is so not like me.

[Charly22]

I think what you are feeling is "common" in this type of situation. I know at least for myself, especially here lately, while I observe my husband doing well with recovery, doing well with healthy habits, doing everything that I should pleased about, I found myself almost feeling the same feelings, as if nothing had changed for ME. I've heard it called the healing paradox. We wait for so long for them to stand up here on this no porn mountain, and when they get there, and take off flying, we still stand there stuck in all of our wallowing emotions, until the day we decide that it is safe to let go, and learn to fly ourselves. It can feel quite perplexing.

And regarding how it made you feel to hear about his latest struggle and him sharing with you. That is the hard part. That is what we have to "accept" if we are to connect and heal with them. It is hard to hear and accept. But, it's the truth. It is what he is dealing with, has been dealing for all this time in the past, and this is what has to be examined and rearranged. So, while he wants to be patted on the back for his accomplishments, I understand that it made you feel awful to even have to know that the urge is there. But....I'm gonna give you a pat on the back for being able to listen and work through it with him.

Those feelings get trapped. Stuck. Block the flow of everything else when they get stuck. If he is doing better and showing you how great he is handling his recovery, that block will slowly be removed, and them BOOM, a flood is unleashed. So, be patient with yourself. Let it flow. You will come to a solid place and be better for letting those emotions come out.

[JenMac]

Hi Randomuser!
I am so glad you persevered and came back to write to us! I know it is so frustrating to lose a well thought out post! Been there! I now copy everything I type before I post and sometimes I copy part way through just to be sure!!
Randomuser, there are others here who are in the same situation as you, in it 'only' being P and going no further. While I know it is different, it still doesn't lessen our feelings.
I understand what you are saying about your H being on a good path but you are still suffering with bouts of sadness and grief. It really is like grief R! I think that is exactly what we experience. So we need to be patient with ourselves and to give ourselves time to come to terms with this.
I too am a very level person, emotionally wise. But this threw me completely off balance for the best part of a year. We are in a much better place now, like you said something wonderful has come from all of this, but it was a tough journey just the same!!
I am so happy to hear that your H is being so patient and giving to you at this time! That is exactly what needs to happen. He is fostering your healing and that will assist both of you as you move forward. I know my H Mac was so very giving to me through this past year and strange as it was, I so needed him, we needed each other, and we pulled each other through! I hope it is the same for you guys!! It seems like you are on a great path!!
Your emotions will settle over time R! Just keep moving forward!
Glad you are here!
Jenn

[Randomusername]

I am so grateful for the responses, it helps me feel less crazy about the emotions that I am having! I am not sure if I clarified, but almost immediately after finding out (within a week). I began feeling almost euphoric when the openness started happening. Now, two and a half months later I am just starting these negative emotions, they haven't been there all along. I mean there were pangs and down days, but this persistent unhappy feeling only started two weeks ago or so (which is also when we both went back to work after spring break). Is this normal? My hubby continues to be his thoughtful, reassuring, kind self, but I now seem to be the one who needs help.

[JenMac]

almost immediately after finding out (within a week). I began feeling almost euphoric when the openness started happening. Now, two and a half months later I am just starting these negative emotions, they haven't been there all along. I mean there were pangs and down days, but this persistent unhappy feeling only started two weeks ago or so (which is also when we both went back to work after spring break). Is this normal? My hubby continues to be his thoughtful, reassuring, kind self, but I now seem to be the one who needs help.

Yes R! I know there are others who have experienced that same thing. I did not. My world was rocked upon discovery because I had no idea anything was wrong at all. I could only see looking back. But I know Hopeful felt as you felt. She had known something was wrong for a long time and so she was relieved upon discovery. It was ony after a few weeks that she kind of crashed.
And yes it is also normal that our Hs seem to move ahead in this way quicker than we are able to. Seems as if we start by helping them along in the beginning stages but then need so much help ourselves as we move forward. It really is a rollercoaster of overwhelming emotions that we have to deal with. It lessens with time but it is quite a ride. I have been here for over a year and I am still dealing with the aftermath.
Go easy on yourself R! I am glad your H is being supportive to you through all of this. I can tell you that that has been a blessing to me through all of this and without mac's consistent love and support, we would not be in the wonderful place we are today.
Best wishes to you and yours!
Jenn

A couple of really good links below. (Thanks SA and Cris for the 2nd one!!)

Trauma to SOs

The Healing Paradox