Disillusioned tries to start an SO journal

[Disillusioned]

WARNING; THIS USER IS TOO WORDY TO THE POINT OF BEING ABUSIVE TO OTHER MEMBERS.
Hi fellow TTF writers,
I am a new member and seem to have a lot of trouble posting. Was not born in the computer as a rattle age. Sorry. Just wanted to tell you that finding your site was a bit like having God dangle a lifeline down. No one wants to hear about your heartache when your H is involved in stuff like this. No one wants to hear about the broken promises and lies. No one can understand that you don't feel you can go out of the house cause the pain in your heart feels like a visibly open wound that others can see and you can't hide.
I am so grateful you are here and worry about your being off line in April. I am sure the upgrades will make it easier to navigate your site and able to reach more people who are hurting from this.

To the SOs, thank you for sharing your pain, confusion, bewilderment, loss of personal value, feeling that you are a terrible judge of people, doubting your own worth. To the PAs, thank you for sharing your struggle, your own pain, your regret, your helplessness and your honesty.

I'm retired because of health reasons, but also because I just hurt so badly that I do not feel like I can be around others anymore.
H only revealed about 4 years ago what he has been involved with while traveling with his job. He denies it's a problem, says all men do this, and it was not realistic of me to believe that he would never be involved in such things when we took our vows of forsaking all others. He didn't actually do anything, according to him. It had nothing to do with me, but was separate from us.

I realize there really isn't an us. It's been a facade for 40+ years.
I've not been enough in any area, even this special one that I thought was just ours. I hate myself for getting involved, and for not realizing that I never had what it took to keep a man faithful.

Through your site, I am beginning to see it isn't all about what I lacked. I have done a lot of reading, but never believed it wasn't about what I didn't have. My self-esteem has always been low, but this took it to the very bottom.

In therapy for major depression, my therapist told me, that maybe his activities kept him from physically cheating on me with another person in a relationship. She had her Phd, and I wonder how she has the nerve to hang her shingle. The philosophy of the p sellers has now been accepted as main stream norm, and we are going to have a generation of young people who learn about sx via internet p
and think this is the way to relate to each other. They spend so much time connecting electronically, but little actually just talking and getting to know each other. I am afraid for what the future holds for them as far as true intimacy.

I have always admired my beautiful, intelligent H, but he really didn't value that, as it was just coming from me. I learned to keep a lot of the positive and negative feelings to myself. I have felt suffocated with this, as I need to scream, but don't dare let out a peep.

Thank you for your myths information. I had printed it for him to read on his last trip, but he never got through it. I remember him telling his younger brother once to "humor" their mom when she got on his case about his shortcomings as far as household responsibilities. He seemed all ears when I read to him about the myths, but I suspect that this was another attempt to "humor" me and get me off his case.

It's too late to leave, although I would have if I had found out early enough. I gave up a career to raise children, and could have supported myself. I could not have taken care of kids and worked the job I had. The kids need more than I would have been able to give, and the job demanded more. If I had known before kids, I would have gone. It's too late now. I am stuck and just have to learn to live and accept this, as it is not going to change. H won't admit PA. Only admits it might have been a problem if he kept on.
H says he's stopped, he's almost stopped, wants to stop, is trying to stop. Always changes...

Once he was involved in church and rarely available to share in household/child-rearing work. He was involved with P then, as well.
Now he says we are all hypocrits. There is no chance of change for him, as he does not admit he has a problem. He likes to think he has everything under control. As long as he feels he can continue to snow me and keep me quiet and not self -destructive, he will continue in his fantasy life. His fantasies have destroyed my reality.
Somehow, if I am to continue, I need to work on my poor health and find my own way as a separate person, and not part of a pair.
It has been thus all along, except when he needed or wanted otherwise.

Just wonder where to start and how to find my way.

Thank you for being there. I just cannot thank you enough. I don't know any of you, but I love your strength,commitment and willingness to share things that hurt so bad and are so embarrassing. I want to be able to take a deep breath again without it catching and hurting.

oddcluckSO

[Disillusioned]

Recently I let myself go with him and was open to what he offered. I needed that intimacy so badly, that I took a long drink. Afterward, I worried about giving him time to see me, and what he really thought. He said he was happy I could respond.

He was leaving the next day, and I wrote him a note with a check list of things not to forget. I also wrote to him that I was willing to invest once again, try the "starting over" he has requested with his
requirement to "let go of the past," cause it cannot be undone. I wrote loving thoughts on the note, telling him to watch every step he takes on his trip, because I love him so much and want him to return home safely.
When I got up, there was a mag on top of my note...one that he had subscribed to for years and left in the living room. It was a soft porn one, and I never looked at it and didn't realize it. No nipples, no bare bottoms, but scantily dressed young women with great articles like, "How to Cheat Without Getting Caught." It was my son in law that pointed out to my daughter in surprise, "Your dad gets M----! Your dad gets M----!" I was unaware, as he gets so many mags and so many books.
His M.... was lying on top of my note. The cover had a picture of a young blond actress in her twenties, glowing in yellow skimpy clothing, and smiling so seductively.
I asked him later if he had read my note, and he said he did. I asked him what it said. He could recite all the reminders I had given him, but none of the loving things I had said.
I asked him about the magazine. He said he wasn't looking at the pics. He was reading a letter to the editor about the difference between Roanoke Island and Roanoke, Virginia, as he never understood the difference. I counted 14 magazines in the pile next to his chair that he could have looked at, yet, he looked at M...., put it on top of my note, and did not retain anything of my loving thoughts or promise to work with him on coming to a new degree of sanity in our marriage that will work for both of us. So much for loving thoughts, so much for second chances, so much for putting myself out there.
I mentioned to my psychiatrist when he was adjusting my antidepressant, that I had read a couple books on co-dependency and now realized how totally co-dependent and messed up in my thinking I am. I asked him why neither he nor either of the two therapists I had seen had talked to me about unhealthy co-dependency. He said, "Well, look where it's gotten you." I guess he was referring to the fact that I was a nurse and had had some success taking care of others. If you lose yourself in the process and only see yourself the way you believe others see you, or as someone who only has value taking care of the needs of others, that is hardly healthy.
Co-dependency held me to a higher, harder standard than I held others in relationships. It made it seem like I was always the one at fault if there were differences, or if, I eventually spoke up and was miffed by the shortchanging I was getting. Sure, it got me very far.
I am amazed at these licensed professionals, and how little they know, understand or really care. I asked the doc how he handled frustrations such as I had experienced with the P and my husband, and he said, he just let things roll off his back. It was a dumb ? to ask, as how can his situation parallel that of an SO and PA. I guess I was just referring to differences that arise among mates. He must have quite a lot of oil on that back if stuff like P rolls off his back easily.
Oh well, to continue trying to separate me from the PA, what I mean to H, as opposed to how much he says he "enjoys" P. What there is still left in my world that I can enjoy, have energy for and value.

[JenMac]

Hi Disillusioned!
I am so glad to see that you have started your journal! I remember my first few posts in my journal and being able to get some of the horrific thoughts and feelings from my mind to the paper. It made me feel a little lighter in being able to do so. I hope it has the same effect for you.
I too, can't understand our professionals that just don't get the enormity of this but I have to believe that it will come in time. We just haven't swung that far away from past thinking for that to happen yet.
I am so sorry for all you have been through, for the betrayal you have experienced and for the grief that you are living with. I am sorry that this has taken away your sense of self worth and left you feeling weak and vulnerable. You are certainly not alone in that D! I think we have all been there. Having the world you think you know can do that to you, I am afraid.
Don't let anyone tell you that this is not shattering or that it is something that you are overreacting to. If this was some small thing, there wouldn't be the need to hide this from us for such a long time.
I am glad that you are here D! I know you will gain much from being here. Just feeling less alone made me feel so much more 'normal' in the beginning days. Knowing there were others who experienced what I was feeling was a huge thing for me at that time.
D, it is good that you realize that you need to take the time for healing for yourself. Take that time to rebuild the strength that has been taken from you. I know the feeling of being knocked off balance. It takes some time to gather your defenses about you and regain a feeling of equilibrium. By coming here, you will find the support and understanding that you are so desperately seeking. That will go far in assisting you!
I am thinking of you today D! Wishing you all the best!
Sending you huge hugs!!
(bighug)
Jenn


Not sure if you have seen this D, but I know I found this so helpful so I wanted to share it with you!!

Trauma to SOs

[Disillusioned]

It's me again, still trying to put it all together. The article on So trauma was so right on. I gained 30 lbs after the death of my dad in Oct.2006, and then when H told me his news, I lost about 35. Being inactive with miserable knee doesn't make physical activity very doable. Need to rebuild what is left of unused leg muscles they will attach new knee to. Should be swimming daily at Y. Just so tired.
I often wake 3 or 4 times a night with leg cramps that are bad enough to force me to get up and walk them out. Also have an ailing old dog, who is in her final days, I'm afraid. She drags one foot and seems to be in pain. Got her pain meds and shots I have to give her twice a week to take down inflammation.
My own :xstomach is a mess and I had to discontinue NSAIDs to try to rest that. Trying to get into see that doc and get tubed upper and lower.
H has been looking at website. Showed me he started an accountability journal. He's started journals before, and just fizzled out. I told him not to show me unless he wants me to see. I don't want to be his ball and chain or mother. IF he quits this, he has to do it for himself, cause I know he wouldn't do it just for me. I don't want him resenting me for interfering with his good fun, etc. I feel much as I did when we were dating, and were not exclusive. I have no rights to ask or say anything. On the other hand, he wants me to be a wife in the physical sense. How can he expect that, when he is free to do what he wants? Can't balance these two. I sleep in a separate room, so if he is messing with stuff I can't stand, he's on his own. I don't want to be his p cop.
We talked about his fantasizing and undressing women mentally in his office. I was horrified when he first told me this, as many women can feel eyes on them, and often other women or workers see the guy leering, while he's too busy looking to notice. When I was younger I was not comfortable with stares like this, and at work a younger co-worker did a scope job on my puny chest, and I was shocked and disappointed...plus felt I needed to put my robe or coat on over my sweater. He is young enough to be my child.
Anyway, H reluctantly admitted there were several he still fantasized about. He also pointed out that they were really nice people as well as great looking and fantasy inspiring. This is a first, as usually the fantasy girls are fairly unknown to him. Is this a crush? Will he act on it if given a little encouragement? He says he has a hard time getting things done at work. Is this taking up his time, as the one person sits fairly close. Has she noticed him staring?
I feel awful about his staring at co-workers that way, embarrassed that I can't keep my husband satisfied at home so that he isn't thinking about that at work. Doesn't matter whether I do or don't, it's there for him to deal with everyday.
I know it's early in the am, but I only got a few hours sleep. Will try to nap a bit and see if I feel better. I am afraid to drive to the Y to swim on a sleep deficit.
When my daughter announced her pregnancy the other night, I cried and said, "Oh my. Oh my!" Then she cried. She thought I would be overjoyed. It is time for her to do this if she wants a family, as she is 31, but how I remember how her dad let me so terribly down when I was expecting her. It came at me like a backdraft in a fire, and sucked the air right out of me, like a sucker punch. I have seen her and her hubby squabble over taking care of their high maintenance, frenetic energy dog, and I worry what is going to happen to them now, with a baby. My daughter had colic so bad, and was still getting up at night after her brother, who was 2 years younger, was sleeping through the night. She was a whirling dervish of activity, and I labored carry her oversized brother in utero while trying to keep up with her.
H brought her to the hospital to see me and peek at her new brother. She soiled her diaper, and I asked him where her diaper bag was. He said,"Well, you always carry one in your purse." I had taken it out before leaving for the hospital, thinking I wouldn't need one for her there. The nurses went up to the peds unit to get one for her.
When all this p came out, turns out his first time at a topless bar was when I was carrying our daughter. How could he?
Have to keep telling myself that her experience has to be different than mine. Has to be, please Lord, let it be. I still so love the way her husband looks at her. Please, I want to see that look as long as I am alive.
Thanks for listening. Thanks for making me feel like I am not a freak with my feelings, sadness, regrets, anger and disappointment. One day at a time, and sometimes, only a 1/4 of a day at a time. I'll get that far, and we'll see. Antidepressants can only do so much, and then something has to let up.
Hope each of you have a great day. To my sister SOs, hope your H sees how wonderful you are to still be there and hoping. To the PAs, sorry you got hung up. Concentrate on the positives in your lives and keep moving in the right direction, one footstep at a time.
God bless all.
disillusioned

[Charly22]

Your posts are very moving, and my heart goes out to you. You are brave and wise for coming here and sharing.

I encourage you to put yourself first while dealing with this. Take time for those little things that you find comfort in. Allow youself time for this. It won't make it all go away, but help you be a little stronger and more able to deal with it.

Thanks for sharing.

[stillandagain]

I, too, am reading your posts with a heavy heart. Your words and story are not the same as mine, but certainly familiar enough to know I have another companion in this journey of understanding.

Blessings
Take Care of You
There is support here
You can "say" anything

Peace,
stillandagain

[Disillusioned]

Am working on hug deficit.

Much thanks.
disillusioned

[JenMac]

(bighug)(bighug)(bighug)

Lots more where that came from D!!!

Jenn

[TooSensitive]

D, keep pouring your heart out here, as much as you need to do. Even if your h does not see that same light at the end of that tunnel, I know that you will. I am so glad to see that you were successful in starting your journal here!

I think it's easier when a h puts forth the effort into recovery also. But if he doesn't, that can really make it harder on his wife. My point in telling you this is to be kind and gentle to yourself - and patient with yourself, too. You'll get emotionally stronger, you'll see, and you can do so no matter what your h ends up doing. You've written alot of wise insights already, such as working on how to separate yourself from the p. Recovery involves turning ourselves inside out, but that doesn’t mean that we cannot put ourselves back together again, b/c we can. It just takes time and a lot of hard inner work. What helped me a lot was to focus on rebuilding my self-esteem. B/c I knew that was the backbone of who I was and of everything else in my life. I knew that with good self-esteem, I would have a greater ability to handle whatever else was going on, and a greater ability to figure out what was best for me, in my situation. When my self-esteem is stronger, it makes it easier for me to make decisions, big or small, and the decisions that are right for me. Yes, there are days when it still wanes, but overall, I am doing so much better than I was back when this all came to a head. Getting my self-esteem back was what allowed me to get my sanity and peace back, too.

I know you wrote that self-esteem was always a struggle for you, but I still believe that if you work at it – if anyone works at it – it can be found, even if it is for the first time in your life. We have to learn how to believe in ourselves, even if it seems no one else does. B/c you know what? The more we believe in ourselves, the more we find others who do, too, when we start looking around.

I think it is great that you are pouring all your pain out here, b/c before we can learn how to manage our pain, we first must allow ourselves to feel that pain, as hard as that is to do. Burying it is not the answer, b/c look at what burying emotions has done to our h’s. Doing that is such a huge part of what feeds into their behaviors. I hope you keep coming here to get it all out. And I am glad that you are not taking it to heart, when someone else, such as a counselor or psychiatrist, tries to minimize what they’ve done (which seems to be common, btw). We are not overreacting! If they could walk a mile in our shoes, they would know that we are not.

[Disillusioned]

..is the only place I can be so that I can really take a look at the monster that has snared what might have been a tolerable marriage, or even a good one.

I read the journals/threads of the other SOs and their H's excuses and defenses for their actions, and it is like someone sat in our house and recorded our conversations.

He is the one who brought this into our lives, and yet it was me that had to go to therapy..because I hurt so much that I wanted it to be over... Because it was hard not to see all the ways I could get out during the day...washing knives, looking at passing cars and thinking, I could just step out. Then you think of how much shock and hurt the people who find you, or who innocently hit your ugliness and caused your death or harm, and you don't want them to have pain. I have 3 methods of ending this in the trunk of my father's car, waiting and comforting, for the moment I can't stand one more second of this. I do not want to say what is in there, because I know how much this hurts, and I don't want anyone to use what I have planned. There is no easy way out, as you let down those who have cared about you, who want you to want to go on.

My daughter became concerned when she heard from her dad or one of her siblings, that I was depressed and self-destructive, so she called my PCP late at night and told him, and he insisted I go to the ER for overnight observation. I couldn't do it 9suicide) then. I was handling my dad's estate. If it weren't for that, it would have been easy. Just leave, and let him free to chase what he wants with no guilt. Go get the pretty things you fantasize about.

The PCP partner who had never met me insisted I go to the ER or he would send the police after me and take me there. Interesting that the police can intervene and make me go to the hospital because of severe depression, but that they can't shut down strip clubs and porn sites. There is a huge lobby of adult entertainment venues who make substantial donations to our politicians trying to ensure that their activities are protected under the guise of freedom of speech.

Anyway, that night the psych nurse told me about her experience with her abusive husband after interviewing me about why I was hurting so badly. She suggested I read "Hell is my Husband," which helped her.

I do need to be up front and say when I have a spasm of chest pain, I welcome it and hope it comes, and I can peacefully pass.
There is still so much pain in not being loved and valued. He insists he has changed, and even though he admitted initially that he hadn't been in love with me since year one, and was even less so before our first child was born 5 years later, that he loves me now.
He was also the one who insisted he loved me enough to make a marriage work when I was afraid to enter it in 1969. His feelings lasted a mere year and I am under no delusion that he could change his mind again if one of his dream girls approached him, or responded to his needful stares. There is no security, no fidelity...there is only today.

Would be helpful if I could sleep (up and down all night with leg cramps from a knee that needs replaced), and get out and be part of the living world. I have always loved helping others, but have to admit that I thought that was of no value either in my depth of despair. Need to get to that Y and swim, which will build up the rubber bands posing as quadriceps muscles above my knee which need strengthened before allowing a replacement knee to be put in.
Think a heart and brain replacement would help.

Have so much trouble remembering things I want or need to do.
Suppose part of this is sleep deprivation and part is depression.
I do feel better coming here. I don't have to weigh down any of my relatives who don't know what this is like, or who have had husbands who actually had adulterous affairs and have gone on. To them my problems are mild...GET OVER IT. I need push button technology for that. I think it's going to hurt till it doesn't hurt anymore, and in the mean time, I am grateful H is reading here, seeing himself and talking about wanting to change. For him to actually say he has a PA problem is an accomplishment, as he would always look at the books I was reading and say to himself, "Well, this person is so much worse off than I am. How dare you ask me to read this?"

He is aware of my feelings of horrible self body image and bought me two books intending to make me feel better. They both had curvaceous nude or almost nude shapely bodies on the front. It never even occurred to him that this is what attracted him to the books. He asked me to clean out his magazines from a folder he kept them in, and I was shocked to find many pictures of a headless nude taken at a museum. What does this do for you? Also shocked at the website he paid to visit where there was image after image of female bottoms nude, without the rest of the person visible. I truly don't get it, but it is not mine to get. It is mine to try to pick me up and get going again.

Will try to swim tomorrow. Will try to get to bed on time so I can get up and go do this. Will try to make me better and find a wholeness in myself again.

Will hope something positive comes out of this pain. Why else would I have this in my life? Karma? I have always been such a naive Girl Scout, sometimes it makes me sick to look at myself and see how accommodating I have been to others and how I have always tried to please. Champion at one thing, co-dependency.

Thank you for reading and responding. I am praying I don't wear out my welcome or your patience. A special thanks to Jenn Mac for trying to be my TTF guardian angel, and to TooSensitive, StillandAgain, and Charly22.

God bless each of you and the others that are unfortunate enough to find themselves here and hurting.

disillusioned

"By running from the past, the present goes by too fast, and you end up being lost and out of breath for the future." unknown