Disillusioned tries to start an SO journal

[Disillusioned]

[h=2]Peter, Paul & Mary Right Field Lyrics[/h]

Saturday summers, when I was a kid
We'd run to the schoolyard and here's what we did
We'd pick out the captains and we'd choose up the teams
It was always a measure of my self esteem
Cuz the fastest, the strongest, played shortstop and first
The last ones they picked were the worst
I never needed to ask, it was sealed,
I just took up my place in right field.
Playing...

Chorus:
Right field, it's easy, you know.
You can be awkward and you can be slow
That's why I'm here in right field
Just watching the dandelions grow

Playing right field can be lonely and dull
Little Leagues never have lefties that pull
I'd dream of the day they'd hit one my way
They never did, but still I would pray
That I'd make a fantastic catch on the run
And not lose the ball in the sun
And then I'd awake from this long reverie
And pray that the ball never came out to me
Here in...

(chorus)

Off in the distance, the game's dragging on,
There's strikes on the batter, some runners are on.
I don't know the inning, I've forgotten the score.
The whole team is yelling and I don't know what for.
Then suddenly everyone's looking at me
My mind has been wandering; what could it be?
They point at the sky and I look up above
And a baseball falls into my glove!

Here in right field, it's important you know.
You gotta know how to catch, you gotta know how to throw,
That's why I'm here in right field, just watching the dandelions grow!

[JenMac]

When I showed him the article by the counselor that said one of the reasons most people don't feel in love anymore is because of the fact that they are not continuing to put effort into their relationship. It is in the working to make it better, thoughtful little gifts, little notes, little ways of encouraging a mate, that we begin to love them. If you value someone enough to do these things, your brain automatically says...I love and value this person. When I showed him the article, the realization that should have hit him in the front of the face and forcibly knocked him on his can in realization that it wasn't anything I did or didn't do that made him feel out of love with me, it was his own failure to work at keeping the flame burning that caused the importance in this most valu able of adult relationships to be less than it could have been.

Hey D!
This is so very true! It is along the same line as filling yourself from within. If you don't put into something, you can't get back from it.
Mac and I have talked about this. He tells me that he didn't know back then what he needed to know about putting in to your relationship, into the intimacy that may have been lacking at times. I believe he knew it on some level as he was always a giving person. Maybe just not deep enough. Perhaps I was the same at times.
What we feed grows D! It is the same with most everything in life. It is only once we realize that, that we can learn to foster what is important to us. Sometimes we look to others to meet our every need, to fill us up. But when we learn to give freely and abundantly to them, we are not only filling them up, but ourselves as well. And we get back more than what we give, just by the good feelings it creates in us.
Thank you for sharing this D! Makes such perfect sense!
All the best!
Jenn

[Disillusioned]

Time for my own journal. I have continued trying to talk to h. Sometimes it is met with defensiveness, sometimes with an awkwardness that is likely to result in my feeling confused and that he doesn't really care. At last, after the last not so great talk, the following night we had one that really did work for both of us. I think it may be better to take smaller discussions more frequently, so there is not so much nervous, anxious energy present from my end. I just know if I keep my cool, go very slowly, and listen with much more energy than I do in anticipating his defensiveness, it works better. I hope some day, he will be able to bring this up, but in my honest opinion this is not very likely. He absolutely hates confrontation, and so do I. We both grew up in homes with alcoholic fathers and frequent hangovers. Any chaos or angry voices would draw my father in and result in a worse situation than was happening to begin with, so it is very hard to know how to have a normal difference of opinion. We had it down the other night, and I can hope for a repeat of the same in our next discussion. I realize what I should have a long time ago, and that is he does want this gone from his life and that skating or moving around the edge in looking at less risque, but leading images and fantasizing about other women, is likely to result in relapse. He also said the emails from my cousin's h are causing temptation, but he is resisting. I am not a police person, and I don't check on him. That might be naive, but with all the modes for him to access, and with his traveling, I don't think there is anyway to be certain about what he is doing. This is why I need for him to offer to talk to me so I know where he is in this journey. I believe his very core thinking has changed in this and that he wants to take the higher road in life for himself, as well as not disappoint me. I didn't think my opinion was really wanted or valued, but it is. What a huge relief and gift that is. How I wish he could just say where he is and not fear confrontation. I have never wanted to be anything but a blessing and feared he stopped doing something he liked because of the old ball and chain at home. Now, I am seeing that he feels I am a good person, a worthwhile person afterall, and that he wants to be who I think he is.
It will be his birthday, Monday, and I decided several weeks ago, that I wouldn't go on this trip with him. I was afraid of bad weather and his driving. He is going to drive back and forth anyway, and fly home during the middle week of his trip. I am going to miss him, and I am looking forward to his arriving home tonight. This is all good stuff, great stuff.
We were going to our daughter's and grandson's this weekend to celebrate, but the little one is sick and I could hear very strained breathing over the phone. He has a really bad respiratory infection and has been to the doc three times already for this, and the doc said that if it is rsv, he will no doubt be visiting her office several more times. Day care sent him home yesterday and his oxygen sat was only 91 and he was experiencing rapid, shallow respirations. He did it again today, but seemed fine. Daughter gave us a camera so we can see him when she calls and is holding him. He didn't seem sick, until he tried to babble, and then his thick raspy voice gave it away. I miss him so much. Maybe he will be well enough to visit next week. I am lonely now, compared to times in the past, but I have so much good in my life, that I feel fine, even with that. Will turn that into some exercise time and try to get these muscles around my knees in better condition. Doesn't take much to get these knees all cranky and hurting.
Overall, I am happy and feel extremely blessed. I am extremely grateful to TTF and the information shared here. Also grateful for the emotional support I have received and the insights I continue to learn from the posts of others.

[Disillusioned]

Why in the world would I do it to myself? Some of my h's answers to my questions are the reason I went down the chute so far. When I said to him that men who are in love with their spouses don't seek images of other women in the n-d-, he said, very quickly, that he hadn't been in love with me since after the first year of marriage. It was several weeks later that he told me, he now realized he loved me but wasn't in love with me. So, it was difficult to believe him when he said I really looked okay to him and that he had always been attracted to me. If that were so, then why did he do what he did? He told me this activity had nothing to do with me or how I looked or what I did or didn't have. I would answer to myself and sometimes to him, that I understood that. It was about him and other women who he didn't know in real life. Also because of the freely given criticism he gave me during the years of our marriage prior to this. I actually believed that physically was the only way I was satisfactory to him...and worried what would happen when we got older and that no longer was possible. I had a dad who I never could please, so it just seemed right to me that I must be way below standard. My dad and my h now, could never be happy having me in my life, even if I knocked myself silly trying to please. Just wasn't possible. If I wasn't the reason that this happened, what was? This was my search through many books, many websites, much suffering, much questioning of him that resulted in his response about we go over the same thing over and over again. I saw some hint that the problems of SA and PA were the result of problems in the family of origin, but I couldn't seem to find what this was. Finally, I found that it was having trust issues because many PAs could not trust that anyone would relieve their pain, which is true in many dysfunctional families. I knew how his childhood was and mine. He just disappeared into reading and fantasy as a child so as not to make demands on his already over-extended mom. Neighbors often thought there were only two children in the home as that's all they saw. When I put it altogether, I understood. I suspect this is why some of my journal responses are still too long. I want to answer that question for other SOs as to why, why our hs got into this. It is because in hiding their emotional needs in their original homes, they turned off much of their ability to be hurt or feel anything, and this left them with intimacy issues and the ability to be close and intimate with us. In fact, it really ended up with my h admitting recently that he was shocked to see how much he enjoys being close to me now, as he didn't realize he needed it too. He was afraid of needing me.

I hate to see the pain an SO suffers, so I want to answer her need to know. I heard so many people talk of my value, and couldn't see it, because I just couldn't understand my h or why if it wasn't because of how I looked, what I lacked, etc. It really wasn't and this is what I try to say to others without an economy of words. I want all the wives and girlfriends to know what is really going on and how their men got to be the way they were...and that was lost in PA.

[dawn1952]

Hi D, I hope the little one is feeling better. I'm sorry I haven't been around much, but I'm thinking about you all the time. It's good to read your posts (it always is) -- you're thoughts so many times mirror my own -- still trying to come to terms and figure it all out. But that's me... I'm an analyzer. Guess it makes me feel safe, more in control maybe. Not sure.

Your thoughts on family origin are intriguing to me. I had a great, loving relationship with my father (I was so blessed) but G did not. He doesn't go into detail, but he hints at his father being controlling, dominating, and nothing he did was ever good enough. I have a feeling he too retreated into a cocoon to protect himself, thinking no one would ever comfort or protect him. Now he doesn't trust even me.

Anyways, I just wanted to say hi and send *hugs*. I may not be here much, but I'm always "here" in spirit.

[Disillusioned]

Haven't been here much the last few days because I have been reading again. I am almost done with "Love You;Hate the Porn." The book is so worth reading. I have a much deeper understanding of the lack of the ability to feel or verbalize the feelings of emotions men have. They are actually more sensitive than women are, in that their physiologic responses to stress are greater and they are not able to self-soothe as quickly as women do. That absolutely floored me! My h was always able to go to sleep after we had a terrible fight. I would be sleepless and feel sick for days. I didn't think he cared at all. To find out that they are even more sensitive than we are, and not able to verbalize or even acknowledge what is wrong, is a real shock to me. Yet this seems to be the key to PA. Will write more later, but am so thankful for this book. It does address relapses, even ones that occur years later, after recovery was almost considered a done deal.

[Disillusioned]

Why do I come here, day after day, and think about the lives I have listened to or felt in the words of the damaged people who come here? Why do I want to check on so many when I get up and before I go to bed? Why can't the pain for an SO be helped until it has run it's miserable course? How can I help the beautiful and trusting women I meet in this virtual place so that their path to healing might be moved along? How to help those whose h still don't get what they must do in order for any pain relief to even start. I can say I understand. There is some peace in knowing it not only happened in my marriage, but in many other marriages too. Marriages with women of grace and beauty and such passion in their voices and feelings? Why has p destroyed so many? Left our men unable to be the men they were intended to be. How can I inspire one of these lost men to get back up, believe in themselves again, and keep working on recovery for themselves, for their children, for whatever future they may have with or without their aching spouses. How do we fix this? How do we love each other enough to heal. I have read so many words and heard so much advice. Why do we live in the time of the perfect storm that is p? How can we keep it from robbing more unsuspecting, foolish men, and their unknowing spouses. How do we keep this from knocking the props out of the moms who are the main caretakers and glue of families. My heart aches every day for what these women have lost, for the pain and questioning they do in their own worth. Jenn says she was blessed because she didn't let this be about her. I know what she is saying...she felt good about herself, but still, this evilness entered, snuck into her life and hit her with a suckerpunch of such vile proportion that it knocked her head over heals and gashed her heart. How can we get rid of this? Why do I still need to come to this place and try to say something, some truth that will reverberate in the hearts and minds of women who shouldn't have to deal with such a blow to their value? I let it take me down...I did. I don't want anyone else to sink as low as I did...not without trying to say something they can hang onto.... We drown here, in our own tears. We look around and see nothing but pain and broken people in all directions. We hug this one, cry for that one... Why is this here? It is so sad and yet I am grateful that there is a place that all of us broken, lost souls can come and scream or cry when we need to. Some place that it is okay, and you don't have to hear others saying, it's no big deal. Because it is.

[Leeluu]

I am almost done with "Love You;Hate the Porn." The book is so worth reading.

　
I absolutely agree, I considered others first but very glad I picked this one. The stories about what the women were going through, what they were thinking and feeling, what they needed to heal were so close to my own experiences it was like my story was being told. I really felt like if my husband were to read it, it would give him perfect insight to what I was going through. What really stirred up a whirlwind of emotions for me was in the discussions of what is needed to heal a marriage from this was exactly what I kept telling myself I needed to get past it, but none of it was happening for me. I think what made this book the best choice for me was that its' focus was more about healing a marriage destroyed by P, it really seemed to portray both sides of it all really well.

[Disillusioned]

I'm glad it helped you too Leeluu. What an awful place we find ourselves in. The book even offers insight on relapses which I found helpful and hopeful. I don't think we'll ever be recovered completely from this, as the wounds are deep and will leave scars, but I think we can go on and feel confidence in ourselves again. Hopefully the improved dialogue that we are learning will help us help our men.
This is still something they'd rather not deal with, but they brought it home, and it is up to them to do the work needed.
We deserve to be happy and feel safe. I think that we have to hang onto that for the long run.

[Disillusioned]

Last evening my h came home from a week away in Maryland teaching. I used to beg him to stay put and stay safe, as travel always poses risk. Then came p and other activities that made me not care to be here anymore. He comes home now...his decision, and I still worry about the risk.

We had planned to go out for dinner, but by the time he got home, it was snowing very hard, and I thought it might be better to stay at home together, let him sleep, let us relax in our own little nest. It was really nice. We were actually together, talking sharing a movie, eating... We were both warm and safe, and I was happy to be with him. Today was pretty much the same. He made a brief run for an errand, and came back. The snow began to blow and drift, and again we stayed home. A few projects, no great hurry, nice just relaxing, not chasing kids anymore or pets, just us. I miss the times with the kids, but I usually enjoy just H and I if he is in a good mood and talking.
Tonight I shared with him some of the insights of the book Love You: Hate the P-rn by MarkChamberlain and Geoff Steurer. The book helped me understand so much more, even way back to the early days of our marriage when things were not going well, and I couldn't figure out what was wrong. Some of the problem was my knee-jerk reaction to the things he said, and to the things I thought he was saying. No doubt about it, he said some awful things, but I believe some of the things he said were also interpreted in a way that did not accurately reflect what he was saying to me. The book talked about emotional response to stress and gave examples of how many of our men react to and store negative energy from a stress and then with P addiction, use the p and Mb to relax and temporarily soothe the bad energy and restlessness. He is taking it with him this week, tomorrow when he goes back to Maryland. I will miss him. How many times, I have reached over in a period of lighter sleep, and went to touch him, and only to find he was gone still. I am okay alone, but I am happier when he is with me and we can share things.
Am I recovered? Not completely, no. I will never forget this pain and awful experience. I still feel disappointed he wouldn't reach out for all the tools I showed him and made available to him to use in his own personal recovery. I am disappointed by the promises he wouldn't keep...to seek independent counseling and work on his issues. I wonder if less work will mean more likely to relapse, as the book suggests. I cannot change him. I cannot make him use the tools that are available. I have two shelves of books that are mostly about p, addictions, relationships, etc. I have thought and thought about how I might help him see that he needs to reach out and use the tools. He hasn't, and I suspect he won't. Will he relapse? I don't know. I know he said he doesn't want to disappoint me again, and I believe that. I know he wants to take the higher road for himself, me, and his kids, even though they are grown. I know he is fearful of becoming like the p addict in late stage, huddled over his computer alone in his room, pushing the mouse over and over again, trying to get that fix. I know he doesn't want to have ED and not have a real s-xu-l relationship with a living human being. I know he does not want this to escalate to something that might be illegal or to the point that he has physical infidelity as well as virtual infidelity. I know he understands that that is near the bottom of the slope he was on as a PA. Will it be enough for him? I don't know. I do know that I am happier, more confident, and able to realize I have some pretty nice qualities even if I am not a centerfold, I know mine have lasted a lifetime, where as a centerfold only has a limited time to enjoy her beauty and its devastating effect on men. I am at peace with who I was as an adult before this, and who I am now. I am a woman, the real thing, the one capable of a real love relationship, and not the person who engages in casual s-x. There is nothing casual in what I feel, and yet it is capable of giving great love, relaxation and comfort to the man I love if he only accepts it. I am really quite okay.

Has he changed? Yes. So much. He is patient, more attentive, more affectionate, more thoughtful, more responsive. Do I love it? you betcha! When I went to bed Friday night, I found a small box on my pillow. He was lying in bed, reading next to it. "What's this?" I asked.
"An early Valentine's gift for you," he said and smiled. A beautiful pendant with colors of the ocean swirling on a delicate silver chain. Do I feel loved? Yes. Today when he said, "I love you," as he was leaving to go back to Maryland, I knew he meant it. I am one grateful woman, and a lot of that gratitude goes back to this very site, TTF, for affirming the morals I have been taught and believe are of value, for the education it has provided in understanding this thing, and for continued support from this community of beautiful people. Thank you all.