Disillusioned tries to start an SO journal

[JenMac]

Hi D!
I too, like Too Sensitive, prayed during this time of my life. I am not a person who prays often and so this was somewhat unusual for me. i prayed for strength and guidance D, and I really believe that I received both!!
I am so glad to see that you are finding support and encouragement here D, you truly do deserve this in your life!!
D, if you want to become friends with someone, just click on their name which will take you to their profile page. That will in turn allow you to see their friends' list and then you can click on 'befriend Toosensitive'. This will send a message to that person with the request. Hope this helps!!
Hope you were able to do something nice for yourself today D!
Hugs for you!!
Jenn

[JenMac]

HI there D!
It's a lovely morning here! I hope it is where you are too! I am sending you happy thoughts and good wishes! Hope you can feel them!
D, I know it may seem like a bit of a stretch, what I am about to suggest, but would you consider starting a Gratitude journal? There is so much that we can be grateful for in life, even though it may not be apparent in this moment! I know this has helped me hugely in my healing process!
At this moment in time I am grateful that you and I both found our way here to TTF!
Hope you have a good day D!
Change your thinking, change your life!!
Practise thinking about all the good things about YOU D! I know there are many, I can recognise the good in people right through this computer screen!!
Hugs D!
Jenn

[TooSensitive]

Ha-ha, D, you know more about this website than I do, so maybe you are more computer-savvy than you think! I didn’t even know about the friends list! So thank you for pointing that out! If you figure out how to send me a friend request, I would surely figure out the way to accept that! Even if you don’t, I would still consider you a friend, and honored to do so. Thank you for thinking of me as a friend, D.

What I do first is start reading someone’s post here, without logging on. As soon as I get to a part that speaks to me, I minimize the TTF screen, and I open up a new Word document and give it a title that corresponds to that person’s post or journal. I flip back and forth between TTF and my Word document, reading and writing, and sometimes copying and pasting from TTF, as I write my thoughts in the Word document. As I go along, and once I’m finished, I save the document. I also usually highlight the text I’ve copied and pasted from TTF and then bold/italic it, like Jenn does, so it stands out. I haven’t quite got it down how to quote only parts of someone’s post by using the TTF quote button, so doing what I do in Word is the easier option for me. Once I’m through, that is when I will log on to TTF, hit the New Reply button, and then copy and paste what I’ve just written in Word into the box. I have found that if I first compose in Word and save it, there is no danger of wasting time and losing what I’ve typed, in the event I’ve been kicked off after logging in (when too much time has lapsed between logging in and hitting Submit; or, if my laptop decides to crash, which it occasionally does). Switching screens is what I do, so if that is what you do too, don’t feel bad, b/c you are not alone!

D, I can remember what it felt like back in the beginning, how much pain I was in, and how distraught and devastated I felt most of the time – actually all of the time. I can remember, when I read your words. Anything I can say that lets you know you are not alone, you are not foolish or crazy, and that supports and encourages you, I will say, if I think it might help. No, I cannot take away your problems; no, I cannot fix you. But I can listen, I can empathize, I can validate, I can encourage you, and I can support you. I can’t tell you what to do, but I can share with you what has helped me, in case it also ends up helping you. This is what others did for me, when I first started out on this journey 2 years ago (on a different board; I like this one better, even though I will always be grateful to the other one). Even if they did not, I don’t think I’d be able to help myself regardless. Giving back, when I can, is something that helps me, too. It does not define my self-worth, but it does supplement it.

D, when I allow myself to think about the miracle of life and about the miracle of the human body, all bodies are beautiful, no matter their flaws. Bodies represent life itself, and bodies house the human spirit, and to me, that is what makes them beautiful – not the fact that they are also designed for sex. They are designed for reproduction, which does give birth to life; and they are designed to give and receive love. When it is only about sex, love is absent, or not to the levels it should be. Men who only place value on certain attributes are using the wrong measuring stick; and it is so easy for us to get caught up in using that same stick, too. We use it on ourselves, and we use it on others. Part of our healing involves not only no longer feeling like objects ourselves, but also, not viewing others as objects, either. It becomes about seeing through the eyes of our own spirit, letting others see our spirit, and seeing others’ spirits, too. No, we will not connect with everyone. But we come to learn who we can connect with and who we can’t. Anyway, my point is that I think the human body, no matter its condition, is a gift in and of itself, when you think about the miracle of life, and when you picture and feel the human spirit that is in us all. It is really a manifestation of God’s spirit, when you think about it. B/c without him, none of these miracles would exist. Who can really explain the existence of the human body? Science can only theorize and speculate at best. Even if science is right, it all had to start somewhere, and to me, it is a miracle that the process even began, billions of years ago. I feel that it was God who started that process, even if science is able to offer some explanation that sounds feasible.

D, I hope that you do not beat yourself up too much about anything that’s happened in the past. We cannot go back and change the past. We can only work on changing who we are today and learn how to manage better what happens today and in the future, as well as learning how to manage our reactions to what has already happened in the past. I do understand about the depression part, b/c I have gone through that. After a 15-year hiatus from depression, it returned with a vengeance. For me, I have found that my depressive episodes in the last few years are triggered by h’s behaviors, esp. when those are due to his SA, like when he a/o. I refuse to beat myself up for my depression, when it has been triggered by h. It is a byproduct for me of being a partner, and I won’t offer any apologies for that, when it hits. I’ve gotten much better at learning how to minimize it when it hits, so that it no longer totally drags me down.

After all you’ve been through, if only your son fully understood, I have to assume he wouldn’t have made the cruel comment he had, blaming you for what you put your h through. What about what your h put you through? It’s not as if you became depressed intentionally to punish your h. Depression is a normal and common reaction to the emotional trauma that has been inflicted upon us. Right now, you are doing what you can to fight it and to get past it. Right now, you are doing what you can to heal. Please do your best to be kind, gentle, and patient with yourself. It takes a lot of time. It takes a lot of work. But you are on your way, and you will get there eventually. Remember, you are walking towards the light now. But it is harder to do, when we don’t feel understood by family or friends, b/c that makes the walk feel lonelier. Just please remember you are not misunderstood nor alone here!

D, I am glad your h is reading here. May it be the catalyst which does send him walking towards that light, too, right along with you. Even if it doesn’t, may you keep the strength to keep right on walking, even if you have to do it by yourself.

D, you are welcome. Btw, my name is self-imposed, b/c though no one has ever accused me of being that, they have sometimes implied that, and I myself have thought that I was, when the pain has become too great to bear. I would think to myself, “If only I was not so sensitive, then perhaps I would not react with such pain.” Yet if I could not feel pain at the levels I have, on the flip side, I would not be able to feel that same level of joy, either. This is my take on it, anyway, so in the end, I am grateful for being “too sensitive”, b/c it allows me to feel all things at a highly sensitive level. And that’s called living.

P.S. – My “closet” is still cluttered at times! I like that analogy, D, very much so.

[Disillusioned]

Thank you both for your sincere thoughts, and please, to the others that have written, thank you too. This includes Rose, FragileEgo and Still and Again. I have grown and been touched by your remarks and your kindness and your willingness to bare all in the emotional sense.
You have no idea how much you have helped me already. I do not feel so alone. I do not have to explain myself to bewildered relatives and friends, whose best advice is to let it go and move on, which is what I desperately want to do, but have been unsuccessful at. Burying this thing just doesn't work. It keeps coming back to the surface very much like the lava of a volcano. It will not lie still and it will not stay covered or die.

There is so much wisdom in your advice. As a caregiver I have always accepted people no matter the condition of their bodies. You look for the soul, you look for God's image in each of them. That is the part that is eternal and beautiful and that is the part that will live on when we are done here. My beautiful sister-in-law says that when she looks at my face, she knows I am seeing deep into her and into her soul, which is a beautiful,wonderful thing. I love her so much. I think others have responded to that in me too.

I knew men responded to the physical attraction of a woman, but I had thought since my husband had selected me and asked me to marry him, perhaps he was not as weak in that area as most men.
Then I began to realize, the reason he was with me was that I was not a person who would reject him, and who was always willing to listen and always available sexually to him. With the advent of his admission of what he was involved with, I realized I was just a clean and convenient home appliance, not a love interest. His real interest was his glamor girls, not his homely wife. It hurt, as I have put up with so much rejection from him, so many difficulties with his family, so many times when his commitment to outside projects and activities was greater than it ever was to me. This PA was just the icing on the cake of a marriage that was always one sided in its efforts and rewards.

My blood sugar right now is in the cellar, and I know I need to get some protein in there. Please excuse the short response. I promise I will respond later. Know that you have made a profound difference in my life, and I pray my H will continue reading and understanding, although experience does not have me expecting much.

My humble gratitude to each of you.

disillusioned

[Disillusioned]

Hi again. I am using Jenn’s advice to copy and paste and Too Sensitive’s advice to start out in word, and then transfer to TTF. That way, if I get yucky like I did yesterday, I don’t have to cut off like I did.

Still not feeling great. Stomach is irritated from being on NSAIDs for so long with knees and back (spinal stenosis and probably degenerative disc disease). Old age is not for wussies, as Mom used to say. They are not really golden years, that color comes from the formation of cataracts. What a lifetime?! I thought H and I might live out our final years with some sort of peace, contentment and dignity, but not a chance. Issues to the last day I am here, I guess.

So many of the things you value, TooSensitive, were things that I valued also. I knew I would never be a beauty quite early on, but I had such a capacity to love and see the good in others. I sincerely wanted to help. I enjoyed seeing people learn and heal, and taking care of others came so naturally. Funny, but when it came to h and his family, I never seemed to have what was needed to take care. Sure tried, though.

We talked again about separating last night. I don’t want to stay here, as without his coming home and with my being here, I will always be looking for him to come, and waiting. I have done that so much of my life. He has started an accountability journal where he describes how often his has engaged in p, looked at mags, undressed and fantasized co-workers. He says he is now 90% porn free and has been so for about 2 years. He never wanted to go to therapy and really sabotaged the couples therapy for PA that we attended through a church organization. How do you believe him after he has been so effective at lying? He says he tries to fantasize about me now when he is on business trips. Since he got bored with me when I was a 22 year old woman, young, firm, but flat-chested, I’m sure his fantasizing about me is a real charge for him. Ought to put him right to sleep.

I know I am not enough. Why don’t we just leave that and let go. Why would he be interested or loving me now? He says he finally has caught up to me. Really?

When all this came to a head on Christmas the year he told me about his interests, and I wanted to stay at home and not go to our son’s because I was afraid I couldn’t hide it, he insisted I go or get out. He doesn’t remember saying that. All I could do was cry. How I wish I could have earned an Oscar for a performance that made it look like all was okay.
Exhaustion is an enemy for sure. I was working then, and any time I am up on my feet, the leg cramps from this knee just get me up all the time. So I was terribly sleep deprived.

After it came out, oldest son said of his dad’s activites, “There probably just wasn’t much to do wherever he was, Mom.” Well now. That excuses it.

On my daughter’s wedding day, her new mother in law said she knew there was someone special in her son’s life, as when his buddies took him to the strip bar for his annual birthday treat, he mentioned my daughter being there too. She has always seemed so interested in woman’s rights. I couldn’t understand her being there and apparently tolerant of this form of exploitation. Her response to her dad’s activity had been, “Mom, he’s my dad, and I can’t stand hearing about this.” With her having been to a strip bar, I think she might have been able to go up to him and say, “Daddy, I was to one of those places, and I just don’t think that’s a place my dad ever should have gone. It’s not for anyone, let alone my dad!” Instead, I’m the one that’s messed up because this hurt so bad.

I would always ask him what he saw on his trips. He never mentioned these places. He had many opportunities to tell me. He tends to never drive to the same destination the same way, as he loves variety. I used to say, “I’m supposed to believe you are faithful to me when your need for variety is so strong you can’t drive the same way to a destination more than once.” He just laughed.

He used to find me exhausted or depressed about something else, and would say, “I hate to see my favorite girl feel so bad.” Never understood that either. I have been so trusting and so foolish. Always made sure we were together before he left so it wouldn’t be so long for him to go without, and never complained about having to get up early and needing sleep, as even if I wasn’t interested, it was always nice to be close. Anyway, all these things were not enough to keep this monster out of our lives. Found out youngest son uses sometimes too, and his bride is absolutely a knock-out. She says she used to get upset, but there is no reason. He’s with her, and she knows that, and that’s all she cares about. Might not feel the same nearing 60 if he’s still looking at 18-20 year olds.

This just knocked my faith in myself right out the window. The man that left me so easily for every activity at church was going to strip clubs and reading his gentleman’s magazines accompanied by MB, while he was churching. He says he just didn’t think it was that bad.

For the longest time, he told me I had pushed him enough to read so that he knew that what he did was wrong, but not as wrong as I thought. Now he is saying it is wrong.
I don’t know what to think. I know by his actions his heart will be known. That is no excuse for me to shut down who I am or what I believe. That part of me needs picked up, dusted off, and to get out there again.

I love all my kids, but feel so sad to see them reject the values I taught them, and my mom taught me, and her mom taught her. Are they really so wrong? I thought these values would help keep them out of a lot of the heartache I saw, as a nurse in a school district, with young people (students) and parents of little ones. No one with the same name in the same household. NO grandparents with the same name as the children or the children’s parents. Confused, bewildered children…. We had a huge list of “Do Not Pick Up” meaning parents, or grandparents or other relatives or friends that were no longer in good graces with the custodial parents. I didn’t want this for my kids. I thought I had taught them to take their sexuality responsibly. Guess they did, but that didn’t exclude strip shows and porn. Those just seem norm for the kids.

Will see if I can get some swimming in here later to exercise my legs. I know if I don’t spend the whole time cramping, it will be great for me.

Thanks again for listening and caring.

Disillusioned

[Disillusioned]

Had a talk with h today. He just can't accept that I am still having problems with his "interests." I hate to go out with him cause I know he still is looking at other women that way. Makes me feel worthless and ugly. He says he has tried to avoid that and even turns away sometimes. That's great, but why did he ever start this? He didn't do this before we were married or in the early part of our marriage.
This started when he was out with a work crew of men who began commenting on passing women and grading their sex appeal. He says he is still strongly tempted to look, fantasize and undress them in his mind. Boy, it hurts.
I can imagine someone catching him doing this, seeing us together and just knowing he is starved to death for a real woman instead of this old, sexless hag.
He says he is about 90% porn free now. That is better than it used to be, and he believes since he is doing such a great job, I should be able to forget all about what he has been involved with and be willing to start over. I don't feel like starting anything. I love him, but I feel so inadequate compared to his needs, I just want to push him away and hide under a BIG rock.
He looked at a girlie mag in college, gave it up the first year we were married, and then started buying it again and MB to the pictures when he was away on business trips. He wonders why I feel so ugly?! How furious he would be with me if the tables were turned.
We went shopping tonight and bought our first grandchild some presents. It was fun doing that together, but I watch him now when someone pretty goes by. I hate that in myself. I always felt so safe that way, and I needed that so badly. He took that from me and is still strongly drawn to it, and I just don't really want to go places with him.
He's going away on business next week with his female boss. Oh well. Nothing I can do. Not supposed to have any feelings about this. In fact, I'm supposed to be all healed and recovered because he is 90% porn free. Isn't that nice, to be told when you should be recovered. I'd like to tell him well you should be 100% porn free and counting the days that you have been so. He says he's been 90% porn free for the last two years, but just hadn't been open about it to me.
I guess he will never be free of the temptation, and I still feel that when I calm down, if I ever do, he'll just sneak and get back into it all again and keep it from me as he did for almost 37-38 years.

am I disillusioned?

[Disillusioned]

This is to all the PAs out there that like to undress women when they see them or take a peek at an unintended show of body parts. Read in one of my many books on this, that if a man was behind a woman in line at the grocery check out, and she dropped $20 on the floor, most men would gallantly pick up the $20 and return it to the woman. Most men like to feel decent and honest.

However if that same woman bends over to pick up something she dropped or reach something from under the cart, and she is wearing a scooped neck-shirt or top, and in bending provides an unintended view of her bosoms, the men will look and look again hoping to catch another glimpse. That looking is stealing just as much as picking up the $20 and keeping it. It is not something she is willingly showing you, not something for your fantasies, it is stealing a look at something that is not yours.

I think this is just something worth sharing. I added a quote below.

Best wishes to all who are healing, all who are recovering, all who are struggling to find a new and better normal in their lives.

"I don't believe you have to be better than everyone else. I believe you have to be better than you ever thought you could be." Ken Venturi

[Disillusioned]

I will miss you folks when you are down to redo your website. I looked a little at Recovery Nation which so many others have recommended, but all I did was chase my tail, and there has been so much of that in my real life, that I did not want it to be in my virtual life as well.

Feeling very rocky right now and very alone, even though H is here.
I can feel my own stress and tension and impatience with his unwillingness to look at this straight on and get a grip multiplying.
Guess I need to get out.... get away...Can I sleep all day again?
Don't want to be around anyone unless I can talk about other things.

Just feel so lost.

When the kids were little and I was so alone with them, and he always had something more demanding of his time, I used to feel like I was on a little boat with the three kids, and we were taking on water. Meanwhile, I'd look up, and there he was partying on an ocean liner with a bunch of other folks, all nicely dressed, sophisticated, enjoying themselves, and he would wave at me, not even noticing my distress. He's still on the luxury liner, and I am not in the little boat, feeling ugly, and all by myself.

I hate feeling like this.

disillusioned

[JenMac]

Hi D!
So sorry you are feeling so distraught! I hate that you are feeling that way! I so wish we could take it all away!!
I know we are all going to miss TTF while it is down. I know that last time when TTF went down due to site changes it wasn't down as long as expected so we can cross our fingers for that this time too. I know it must be hard when you have really just discovered something that seems to be helping you so much and then to have it gone for a few days.
D, what are you going to do for yourself today? How are you going to push yourself out of this mood? Have you made your Gratitude list today? Stinkin' Thinkin' D! That is what my Alanon group used to call it. Never helps any of us! I know it is unavoidable at times but try to find a way to work yourself free from it. That is important for your wellbeing!
Sending you good wishes today D! Also sent you a pm!
Hugs!
Jenn

[JenMac]

Hi D!
I am hoping you are doing okay since we have been down! It seemed like a long time!
Hoping you were able to care for yourself and to foster your healing during this time!!
Looking forward to hearing from you!!
Hugs!
Jenn