Starting the journey

[TooSensitive]

C, sometimes my h is more affectionate when we are out in public, but esp. so around strangers! It is like he is putting on a show for the world to see. He will suddenly stop walking, turn toward me, and kiss me madly in his arms, like you see in the movies. I don't know whose approval or attention he is seeking, other than the strangers walking by. He does not do this at home. I have told him he shouldn't limit that to when we are out. I don't know if he is trying to make us appear "normal" to the rest of the world, or if he is trying to let me know that even though we are out in public, he still wants the world to know we are together, and that he is proud to be with me, and isn't afraid to show it. But whenever he does it, it feels like a "show" for the rest of the world, vs. something romantic that is meant for me. It feels like he is doing it for everyone else, b/c he wants their approval - even though they are total strangers.

Around family and friends, that is when he is least likely to show affection. His shy side comes out instead. You would think he would want their approval moreso than that of strangers. The bottom line is that he should want my approval moreso than anyone else's!

It is curious that your b/f is only affectionate around friends. Do you think it has anything to do with him wanting their approval? I told my h last night that his treatment of me and behavior around me needs to be consistent at all times. I told him he cannot pour it on at certain times, only to pull it back and take it away from me at other times. Obviously, there are certain things one would only do when alone together! But generally-speaking.

It's not as if they have to be constantly affectionate with us. But when we notice a pattern, such as I have, and such as you have, then it needs pointing out to them. I do feel that the most important time for affection is when it is just the two of you, whether that leads to intimacy or not. Sometimes it should, other times it shouldn't, or doesn't have to. I am sorry you are having to go through his holding back intimacy with you due to his inappropriate habits. And I am so sorry for the way that is making you feel.

I do hope you get to that point of not blaming yourself at all. I honestly believe there is nothing about this that we are to blame for. Yes, we might be to blame for certain things as far as the dynamics of our relationship; but to me, there is never any excuse for them to do what they do, no matter what. If there are troubles in the relationship, each person needs to find healthy ways of coping with the stress and of openly communicating about the problem together, in an effort to get it resolved. Turning toward sexual gratification outside the relationship is NOT the answer. We all know how they would feel if we were to do the same thing. What if when we are not happy, we turned to another man as an escape? Would that be acceptable to them? No, it would not be. Escaping is never the answer. The problem is still there to greet you, when you return from fantasyland.

I feel that the problem mostly lies within them. They have an inherent problem with themselves, from which they are trying to escape. They don't want to face themselves. They have low self-esteem. They have no self-worth. In fact, they feel worthless. It is only through their finding ways of building their own self-esteem and self-worth within themselves - and us doing the same - that healing and recovery are possible. To me, these are the backbones and the foundation of all recovery work. B/c when you have that, everything else starts falling into place. It’s not that it’s that simple, but I do feel it has to start with that. For some, the bad self-esteem is there first, prior to the p, but the p continues to beat that down in a negative way. For others, the p erodes their self-esteem, which may have been fairly good prior.

Yes, we do need them to take on that responsibility for their behavior, b/c not only is it their duty to do so since they are the ones who did what they did, we also need them to do so, so that it is taken off our shoulders. Otherwise, we do tend to carry the load, as unfair as we are being to ourselves. I know, b/c I have carried the load for far too long, even after I learned to stop blaming myself for what he did. I still took on all that responsibility for trying to make things work, b/c he was not taking on any of it at all, or very little.

Well, how can we not think about it as much as we do. It unfortunately affects everything we do and everything we are for awhile, until we learn how to better manage ourselves, which takes time. Even then, there can be days and nights when it consumes us. It is that huge to us, even if it isn’t so huge to them. They just don’t understand, until they start to get some real recovery under their belts, and even then, their understanding will be limited, until and unless they themselves have walked in our shoes (which isn’t possible, unless we’ve turned into PAs ourselves!). If they have not been on the receiving end themselves, then they cannot possibly know how painful and devastating and destructive what they do is to us. The tentacles are far-reaching and affect every single area of our lives and every single aspect of who we are. When our self-esteem is destroyed, how could it not?

When it feels that overwhelming to us, sometimes we just have to take a step back and do something for us that distracts us for a time, such as that horseback riding you mentioned. Spending time around others whose company I enjoyed helped me at times, besides any solo activity that would take my mind off things. There are so many things we can do for ourselves that are healing and that help distract us in the process. Recovery work is necessary, but so is doing those activities otherwise that we used to enjoy and that we need to get back to enjoying again.

I know how hard it is to tell them what we are thinking. I have started to open up to my h again. B/c if I don’t, I am just shortchanging myself. I have decided that I don’t care how it is recv’d, and I don’t care if it means he would leave me. In reality, I know that he won’t. And in reality, your b/f probably won’t, either, despite the history (I can only imagine what a trigger that 8 month mark is for you). I look at it this way – I cannot go on living like this any longer. I cannot keep things bottled up, b/c it is always done at my expense. Things aren’t the way I’d like them to be anyway, so what’s the difference if it doesn’t work out b/c I have spoken up and he can’t handle it? It isn’t working out this way, either (by not speaking up).

Keeping things inside and allowing this to be an elephant in the room catches up to us eventually, and when it does, it isn’t good. We suffer more damage in the process. For me, it creates depression that is hard to handle and that does get in the way of everything else going on in my life. It is so hard to function when I am feeling depressed. The only way for me to keep my depression at bay or at least manageable is to find an outlet for it; and during this past week, I have made my outlet my h. I haven’t totally opened up, but I have opened up enough to release some of that pressure you mention, so that I don’t explode in the way of a total meltdown that ends up burning me more than h.

Hope you are feeling better as the day wears on, C. I am glad you have the upcoming weekend away to look forward to. Hope it is a step toward healing for both of you!

[champagnesuppanova]

Well, the weekend was definitely what we both needed. It's amazing what can be achieved when you get away from the pressures of everyday life.

We still haven't had a complete conversation about his P use, but there are some baby steps begining to emerge and I am feeling positive about things this week, even though I am surviving on about 5 hours sleep a night because of work. That is definitely a good sign because normally the more tired I am, the more paranoid and worried I get, but at the moment I feel pretty well balanced and ok about things.

So, why are things improving? I guess because we are actually talking and he is actually listening to me and I think really understanding. It got to the point over the weekend where I just couldn't supress things any longer. You get to a point where you have stored so much up inside of you that you just can't hold it down anymore. We were camping on Friday night and had a BBQ with just us and the dogs and a bottle of champagne for no particular reason. We'd set everything up to go to bed and had an ipod playing music and his favourite song comes on which is quite a slow emototive tune called "Colourblind". He told me that was his favourite song once before when we were together the first time around and hearing the song and hearing him say it was his favourite again brought up images of his old bedroom in his old shared house where we had spent time together, but where he had also taken the girls that he cheated on me with. It was just too much for me to keep in and I broke.

The result was that he thought he had done something wrong. He kept asking what it was that he was not doing to make me happy? Of course that only made me cry harder because it wasn't the reaction I was expecting.

By the time I had finally got myself into a state where I could talk to him, I'd had time to arrange my thoughts and I was actually able to explain to him for the first time ever how I feel guilt for what he did, and why I feel that guilt, and what I need from him to try and process that guilt and what I need him to understand about how what he did is still affecting me and will continue to affect me for some time. And you know what? I actually think he got it. He just understood and sat there and listened. I think he was a bit taken aback and shocked, but I also think that perhaps it explained a few things for him as well in terms of my feelings and emotions about things.

He gave me what I needed - reassurance about my position of affection in his life, reassurance about a future together, reassurance about his intentions. He used a funny turn of phrase but I knew what he meant. When he was talking about how he felt about all the single girls that are out there he said "I don't feel the envy any more". Strange word to use "envy", but I know what he was explaining - that "grass is always greener" hankering after the single life feeling.

I can't explained precisely what it was he said or did that changed that night, but things are different now. Saturday morning I just felt like a weight had been lifted. I had been so scared of talking to him that the fear of talking had almost overwhelmed everything else to the point that it was that fear that was crushing me. But now we have talked, the fear is gone. I know I can talk to him about these things now and he won't react badly or clam up. He will listen to me.

And since then things have been so much easier. We've felt closer. Things gel more. Now and then, we have the odd remark about his P use and it no longer feels like a taboo subject. I don't we're at the stage where he would be prepared to try to give it up, and at the moment I don't think he wants to. But the fact that the lines of communication finally appear to be opening up on all fronts is just such a breath of fresh air.

It's funny to try and pin down how I feel about him, about us, about everything now. In a strange way I feel more protected by him now. Perhaps that is because I have revealed my vulnerability to him about the relationship and how I have been failing to cope with the longer term consequences of his infidelity. That issue, the infidelity, has overtaken the P use. But then I guess taking one problem at a time can be a good approach.

There is still a lot of work to do in terms of rebuilding my self esteem and making sure that we keep the communication channels open now that we have finally found them. But The last two days I have been up at 5/6am and into work early. And you know what? It didn't bother me half as much as it did before. I'm pretty sure that he's still MSB to P when I'm not around. OK I'm certain that he is. But for the time being, the fact that in some way he has been able to instill in me or I have been able to find enough self confidence to just get up and do what I need to do for myself, for my job, my career, me. This week, that is my biggest achievement and I am proud of that.

Lots of people have encouraged me to make sure I didn't lose myself. I had thought I was achieveing that, but in hindsight I don't think I was given how I am able to approach life this week after airing my fears and concerns with my BF and having them understood.

Thank you to TS for sharing your experiences with me. It has helped to read that I am not the first person to be going through the cycle of self-doubt and loathing and turning to control over diet as a coping mechanism. I have felt very supported by your posts and advice.

[vintageturtle]

Wow, that sounds like a huge step. I'm glad to hear that a weight has been lifted, and that you're taking care of you. That's our most important, imperative responsibility, but it can be so difficult.

[champagnesuppanova]

Isn't it just the way that when you feel things are begining to forge ahead and make some progress that it all just gets snatched away? Well, that's me right now. Had the MOST BIZARRE conversation with the BF last night. He had basically been sat at home all day watching programs that he had downloaded onto his computer. I don't know what else he was watching, and frankly it doesn't really matter right now.

I spoke to him on the phone during the day because I had left a folder at home that I needed and I emailled him to ask if he was planning on coming into town perhaps he could drop it off for me but that it wasn't massively urgent. He called me and said that he wasn't planning on coming in but that he would drop it off before 3pm. I also said I hadn't had time to clean up the kitchen in the morning and we didn't have any food, and he said he would do a food shop and tidy up. Great! Something I don't have to worry about when I get home.

3pm comes and goes. No folder. I leave work at 6.30pm and get home. Kitchen still messy, no food shop done, or at least no attempt to do either until he hears me pulling into the driveway and realises that he's spent the whole day on his backside and done nothing around the home. So I sit in the living room while he does the food shop online. I'm looking at him and he says to me "Did you ask me to bring you that folder today because you wanted to get me out of the flat?". WHAT? Oh my god!! Where did that come from?!!!

In the course of the conversation that followed it made me frustrated because he suggested that I was too controlling. I told him that I didn't want to control him at all, far from it. And apart from anything, trying to control him is akin to mission impossible. Then he said something that really caught my ear. He said "I think you try to control what I do in the flat when you're not here because you think I will be tempted to MSB to P.". That word - tempted. That was what caught me ear. He is very careful and particular about the words he uses. And using the word "tempted" implies that he is making an effort not to MSB or watch P. It's only an implication and as it took me a while to process that sentence I lost the momentum to ask him whether he was actively trying to stop watching P and MSB. I wish I had asked that because it is a question that is now buzzing round my brain. What if he is making an effort about that? That would be such a positive step. If he is, then maybe I can tell him about this site, and we can finally have a real dialogue about the issue and tackle the problem together. I am so hoping that is what is happening, but I don't know whether I will have the courage to ask that question out of the blue now. I wish I had made the connection at the time.

I was feeling pretty assertive actually and I found the courage to point out to him that I cannot carry on running around after him trying to make the flat clean and tidy and I also explained that part of the reason that I had been doing that before was becase I was scared that if he didn't have the perfect home environment then he would go elsewhere, whether that was cheating again or leaving me. I said to him that I couldn't cope if I kept doing that and that I needed his help.

That was quite hard for me to say - I needed his help. I've spent so many years looking after myself, running my career, looking after the dogs that I was left with from the previous relationship. It's difficult for me to admit that I can't do everything myself. That makes it difficult for me to ask for help when I need it. But I did. And I'm proud of that. His response was that he could see that it was only fair that he took on his share of the household chores.

It was a good conversation to have had. It started out as being disappointing because of his comments about me being controlling and suggesting that I just cry all the time. I found that quite hurtful when from my point of view since Friday night I had been in a much more positive and relaxed frame of mind. I was disappointed that he hadn't seen that. Hadn't noticed that I was much more committed to work and getting on with my life. But I did explain to him that I had been feeling more relaxed and positive.

We also talked about him and his work. He has been pretty slack recently but I haven't said anything as it is his job and I am not his keeper. But I suggested to him that perhaps he gets put off from working because he thinks the tasks are just too big and so he runs away. I suggested perhaps he just looks at the little things and takes it day by day. I also suggested that if he spent half the time he currently spends doing paperwork instead of watching episodes of comedy series on his computer then he would get so much more done. You know what he said? "you're right". And even more positively, this morning when I was about to set off for work, he announced that he was going to do some paperwork today and he sat down at his computer and started to get on with it.

I don't want to hold my breath, because these things do ebb and flow, but I am hoping that he has found the motivation to begin to address his business, which will in turn increase his income and his self esteem and hopefully help with his reliance on P. It has to be linked. I know there are deeper underlying problems there from his past, but this is at least some baby steps in the right direction.

So we managed to turn what could have been a blameful destructive conversation into something supporting and positive - for both of us. I don't know if he sees it like that. I hope he does. I certainly do. And so today again I am feeling good about things, about me, about the world generally.

[champagnesuppanova]

Just a short post today for a change. I'm blown away actually and feeling really, really hopeful that after playing the waiting game since his first initial admission that he is a PA, things are begining to happen. We are beginning to talk and progress is beginning to be made.

I had him in the car today and we were stuck in traffic. Having him in a confined space like that with nowhere to go is about the best opportunity I get to have conversations with him because otherwise he engages in avoidance and distraction tactics. So I decidede to keep on with the positivity and confidence that I had found 2 days ago and ask the question that had been buzzing round my brain - has he actually been making an effort not to watch P and MSB? Answer - yes. YES, YES, YES!!! He admitted that he does still watch some P, and he does still MSB, but it is much less than he ever used to and he has been listening to my feelings about not liking it and making an effort to change and at least cut down.

OK, now I know there are SO's here that take the line of total abstinence is the only way. I understand that. And if the BF and I were actually talking about this problem openly together and had made a joint commitment to deal with it, I'd be on that band wagon right there with you. But we have only just opened up a dialogue about the subject area. We aren't really talking openly about it. In fact today when I said I wanted to ask him a question about it he initally said he didn't want to talk about it at all. So in a situation where he still doesn't want to talk to me about it, and where we don't have an open floor on the topic area, him taking the decision to do something about his P use HAS to be seen as positive.

For my part, when he said that he has cut down and that he is making an active effort not to watch P and MSB, that moment just made my heart explode like I can't tell you. Hearing that he has listened to me when I've told him how I feel made me feel so valued in that moment. It made me feel like I have status in this relationship - or at least more status than I had previously percieved I have. I matter to him. What I think and feel matters to him. What I want and need matters to him. All the time leading up to this moment I had been questioning those things, doubting myself, doubting him, doubting his feelings for me. Doubting whether he was serious about this relationship or whether it was just a convenient living arrangement for him. But it turns out that this hope that I have carried around inside myself, my decision to believe he could change, my decision to give him another chance, all that was right. All that has been worth it. Just for this moment.

And with this statement by him that he is watching less than he ever has before (and he has tried to cut down before so "less" does have some meaning to me) and that I have discovered the strength and ability to start these conversations myself and tackle the subject, albeit gently, those steps over the last few days have given me a whole new feeling of confidence in myself, confidence in the relationship and confidence in my status in the relationship that it wasn't as one-sided as I had previously perceived and that my feelings and thoughts do actually count for much more than I thought - and having the evidence of that is just so uplifting.

It's an amazing boost to have for the weekend. I am so happy and relieved right now. Happy. Genuinely, untainted and properly happy. And it feels really, really good.

[champagnesuppanova]

I thought I would use my post today to write about some of the background to why I feel the way I do about my BFs small steps and why they are so positive to me.

When we got back together last August, I wasn't really aware at that time that he was a PA. I knew that he used P and I knew that he chatted to women online and used a webcam. I wasn't happy about any of that, but we had a talk about what I expected from him if we did get back together and he agreed to what I wanted at the time. That was for him to stop chatting to women online and to stop using his webcam. I asked him to close his online chat accounts and clear out his mobile phone of numbers of other women that were not related to his business.

He did clear out his phone and he did shut down his accounts. But about 6-7 weeks later he had set up new accounts. I found them and was devastated. I brought it up with him in conversation and asked him why he had done it - he set up the new accounts on a weekend when I was away at a work commitment. He said it was cause he was bored and it didn't mean anything about how he felt about me - the two were separate, the girls he chatted to were his fantasy world. He said he would shut down the new accounts he had opened. And he did.

Then in December I discovered he had opened more chatting accounts and that his tendency to chat with women online was increasing. I didn't confront him this time, I decided to monitor it. We did talk about his webcam use and I explained to him that I found it unacceptable and that I needed it to stop. He handed over all his webcams to me. That was shortly after we had moved in together.

Shortly after that, he got hold of his old netbook (he had left some stuff in storage from his old house). I'm not stupid, I knew why he had gone to get it - it has a built in webcam. So I decided to talk to him again about P and his webcam use. The discussion became heated. He reacted really badly. Ended up shouting at me and saying that he had a right to watch P, that he would watch it as much as he liked, that he would webcam as much as he liked and that if he wanted to arrange to meet other women for coffee then he would. He told me that if I ever mentioned the word "webcam" again that he would leave me. To say I was stunned is an understatement. I really didn't know what to do that day. So I just shut up and decided to take time to think.

That was our low point. That day devastated me. I still hate thinking about it. I was scared, demeaned, disrespected, scared, upset, angry, trapped and a whole host of other negative stuff all muddled and bundled up in one emotional wreck.

But slowly, very slowly, he began to let me bring things up in conversation. We began to talk about why he used webcams, why he wanted to chat to other women, why he MSB, why I found it frustrating that he would MSB then not want to be intimate with me. Eventually this led to his admission to me at the end of March that he was a PA.

He has told me more recently that he has stopped chatting online to other women. That followed my discovery in January of a highly explicit conversation where he made an arrangement to meet up with another girl. I found the conversation and confronted him about it.

So from a point of him asserting an absolute right to obtain s£xual pleasure in any way he saw fit, he has come round to an understanding that he cannot behave like that if he is going to maintain a committed relationship - at least not a relationship with me anyway.

I don't want to overstate the progress. These are baby steps. I know that. We have a long way to go. One thing that I am trying to work on at the moment is to get him to engage with me on a more emotional level. He has a tendency to not to allow his emotions to be involved in "us". This is very obvious when we are having together time before we go to sleep. He finds it really difficult to be looked at directly. It's almost as though he can't relax and reveal how he really feels. He does tell me he loves me, but only when it is "safe". I believe he is scared to let his emotions go or at least to reveal the strength of them.

My hope is that we can continue taking steps towards a place where he feels safe with me so that he will engage properly with his emotions and he will realise that I know the best of him, and I know the worst of him. And after all of this, after all he has put me through, I still love him. My greatest wish is that one day he can find the confidence in himself and in us to be completely open and honest with me. I feel as though we are moving closer to that goal, but only in the sense that we are on a thousand mile journey and we've done the first 500 yards. There is a long, long way to go. But I feel much more positive now that we can get there than I ever have up to this point.

That's all for today. Have a good evening everyone.

[champagnesuppanova]

The roller-coaster strikes again.

After a few days of feeling positive and making progress, the doubts, fears and mistrust is beginning to creep back in. I am trying to fight it, trying to stay positive, but it is so hard to resist something that just takes on a life of it's own. The thoughts spark off each other, the temptation to think the worst, the need to think the worst to protect myself in case I discover something I don't want to find.

And then, Sunday morning, when I am asleep in bed, he locks himself in the bathroom with his laptop. We never lock the bathroom in our flat. The lock isn't great and takes alot of fiddling. So why on earth would he lock himself in the bathroom with his computer when I am asleep? Not hard to guess what he was up to. It is upsetting that so soon after we had a really positive conversation about him trying to cut down, this happens. Not even 2 full days later. And with me in the flat! In some ways when it happens when I am not there, I feel less offended by it - I don't know why that is. But to lock himself away, to watch it while I am in the next room, that makes me despair. It feels like one step forward, two steps back.

And I am over-tired from work, and stressed from lack of sleep and too much sun at the weekend. And this is probably making me feel worse than I otherwise would. But then I wonder why I should be feeling bad at all?

I don't really know what else to say at the moment. Sad, disappointment. Just gotta try and pick myself up again and carry on.

It has made me wonder whether now is the time to introduce him to this site. That is something to think about as a next step I think. But I can't deny I am scared at how he might react to me suggesting this place, to what he will read here that I have written, to what he will think of me. Definitely a thinker.......

But then to contrast that, I come home today after a 15 hour day and he has built me the most MASSIVE fruit cage in the garden. He knew I wanted the fruit-cage and that I was getting worried that the fruit would come before it was ready. So he spent most of this afternoon working to get it finished for me. All his own design. All home-made with his own hands. And the bonus was, I knew that building that fruit-cage got him out of the flat and away from the computer. He does these wonderful amazing things that make me feel so special and cared for. And then all it takes is one moment of acting out to destroy it all. So many ups and downs. So draining to deal with. Such a contrast.

[BrokenHeartedAgain]

I am so sorry for your pain. You are amazing to put up with all that you have put up with. From what I am hearing... he does recognize he has a problem and has admitted that to you and sounds like he wants help... but... he won't be able to do it alone. He has to get the help he needs. Do you think if you tell him how you really feel and all that you have written here, that he would leave you? Do you think he would ever find anyone like you that has been SO INCREDIBLY supportive? It sounds like he does it because he knows he can get away with it... but it sounds like he really doesn't like the person he has become.

I hope that you both can talk about it more and more. It's possible if he could just read about the affects of P he would see things in a different light rather than in a selfish light. Just my .02

Do take care of yourself. Big Hugs.

[champagnesuppanova]

Thank BHA for your kind words. In some ways it is a relief to see that someone else thinks that he recognises he has a problem. Sometimes I think he does recognise it and other times I think I must be going crazy! Maybe I am being to easy on him and tip-toeing too much. But given his past behaviour and ultimatums that he has issued when I have tried to take a strong direct stance, I do seem to have achieved more with the "softly, softly" approach. I wonder if that is because he finds it less threatening and demanding? I don't know really. It's all supposition.

It is interesting that you say you think he sounds like he doesn't like the person he has become. Sometimes he has expressed things in those terms to me. Not directly in relation to P, but in relation to other aspects of his life that I believe feed into his PA. Sometimes I am almost on the verge of giggling at his ways. On the one hand he will go to great lengths to keep up appearances such as if we have people over for dinner he will make sure the flat is absolutely spotless, and hide away anything unsightly or cluttery. The food has to be properly prepared and he will go all out to ensure that dinner is served correctly and to the highest standards. Then on the otherhand there is this hidden aspect to his life. The dark side. The secret behaviours. It's almost a kind of Jekyll and Hyde way of living. I find it so strange that any person can accommodate two such different sides to their personality and remain balanced. But then I guess if he was balanced he wouldn't be engaging in the PA - which kind of answers that point all by itself!

Today I am feeling annoyed. Annoyed that he has gotten me caught up in his sordid world of P. I hadn't ever really experienced P before I met him. It isn't something that any of my previous boyfriends have been involved in. I don't like having it thrust in front of me all the time, I don't like that it pops up in my head frequently throughout the day. But I can't help wondering "is he viewing it now?" as I go throughout my work day. Sometimes I wish I had carried on walking away from him last August when he came back begging for a second chance. Then I would not have had to deal with all of this. This wasn't meant to be part of the deal. But I didn't know the extent of the problem back then - or even really that there was a problem. That makes me feel a bit cheated in a way. If there are any feelings of blame inside me towards him, it is because he didn't give me the choice of knowing and understanding exactly what it was I would be letting myself in for if I decided to give him another chance. I feel cheated that I wasn't given a free and complete picture. That makes me angry. And I think that part of my anger is directed at him.

But then I can understand that back in August why would you go back to the girl you want to patch things up with and say "Hey babe, I know I treated you like dirt and cheated on you multiple times, but would you give me another chance - oh and by the way I'm addicted to P". It isn't really the line that is going to clinch the deal. So I can kind of understand why it wasn't brought up. And I wonder actually whether he had any understanding about how deep in he was. Knowing his history, he has never had a committed relationship before and so has never had to think about his P activities and whether they are appropriate or affect him in any way. If he hadn't been faced with thinking about how is use of P was affecting his participation in a proper relationship, why would he have worked out that it was an issue?

Round and round in circles it feels like at the moment. My brain is so dizzy with all of this.

[champagnesuppanova]

This morning I am confused. We went to bed last night. I indicated I was feeling intimate. He said he didn't feel like it but then couldn't sleep. I fell asleep, he gets up in the middle of the night, MSB to P. Leaves his damp shorts on the floor next to the bed.

Am I missing something here? Is this like rape in that the action isn't actually to do with s£x? With rape it is (apparently) about the power the perpetrator feels. With P, what is it that the PA gets from it that he can't get anywhere else?

I am also wondering about whether to show him this site. I am not sure whether his admission to me that he is a PA was a genuine realisation of what is going on, or just a statement he made without understanding what it was he was saying. I wonder he is in denial of how much his PA is running his life. He is locking himself in rooms to get his fix, sneaking around while I am asleep. It's just so secretive and yet so in my face at the same time because, to be frank, he's a bit useless at hiding it.

I don't actually feel too hard-done by that he was up in the middle of the night buried in P. That might sound weird, but I kinda feel sorry for him, even pity him, that he has to scurry around like that. He must be so scared of his own emotions, so out of touch with reality, so alone that he can't come to me and talk and share. I did get the feeling before I went to sleep that he was desperate for me to stay awake so he could talk to me. But it was 2am. I had to be up at 6.30. I couldn't stay awake any longer. Perhaps he does realise what is going on with himself and he is trying to use alternative activities (i.e. talking to me) but I couldn't do that this time around and he doesn't seem to have the strength to resist the urge for P.

Like I said, so confusing......