Starting the journey

[champagnesuppanova]

Before this trip started, he was worried that spending this amount of time (24/7) in close proximity to each other with all the stresses that such travel can bring would push us apart. That hasn't happened. Far from it, we seem to be communicating better, understanding better and appreciating each other much, much more. He has taken some important steps towards connecting with his emotions and dealing with them properly. He has also done a lot of thinking about himself, his work, his life, his attitude, and his way of living generally. He is thinking about making changes, thinking about the future, thinking about how to make things better.

I put up a post of an article that I found on the BBC News website recently (see general forum). It talks about a flim being released that addresses SA. I am going to try to watch the film when we get home to see what the approach is. But the article is written from the perspective of an SA in recovery. I bookmarked it on our netbook and suggested that my BF read it. He said that he did sort of read it - skimmed it I think. He still finds it incredibly hard to read about and talk about anything connected with P or PA. He is a member here but hasn't started a journal. He says there are things that he doesn't want me to know about, that he is afraid to write about. I am still encouraging him to read other journals here so he can see he is not alone. I think he knows he is not alone, but I think he still feels very alone.

There is still a long way to go. I'm not sure that this is a journey that any PA ever really "finishes" in the same way that an alcoholic never really stops being an alcoholic. But I feel as though steps are being taken - steps that I don't think would have occurred (at least not so soon) if we hadn't had this trip away. He has reached out to me on this trip in ways that I don't think he would have before if we were at home - he would have found some other "easier" way to deal with a situation. I hope that I have responded to him in a way that lets him know that I am there to support him. It feels to me as though he is letting me know he loves me much more frequently now than before. It feels as though he is reaching out to me more now than before. It feels to me as though we have a much greater closeness.

I thought the test of our relationship would be this trip. But now I think the real test will be how we deal with going home, back in the real world, back where work and stress and life kicks in. As always, I'll keep you posted. CSN.

[Disillusioned]

I CSN. We've missed you, but I am happy that your trip ended on such a positive note. P is about denying feelings to ourselves and not recognizing them in others, so it sounds like your fellow might have been getting in touch with that. I think you can see the issues and have been supportive, and I like how he gave you reassurance, CSN. Certainly sounds like the real thing and a growing, positive thing. I am happy for you, but agree, that the real world presents more challenge than one of sightseeing, exploring, adventuring. I pray that your investment of time and loving patience lets your fellow see all the beauty you have to offer. It certainly sounds like he does. You did go through challenges together and that also builds. That is one of the things that love does. It builds on the past strengths and experiences and gives us confidence for the future. Someone has your back....and is with you even when you are separated by distance. Glad you had this wonderful opportunity for growth and intimacy. Good luck in the challenges ahead.

[waterlily327]

Hey CSN! I am so happy you have touched base here and updated all of us. I have really missed your voice around the site so it is good to see you here again, even if it is just for a quick update. I am so happy to hear about your boyfriend’s breakthrough. That is so wonderful that he has been able to reach out to you and talk to you. In my opinion, his new-found ability to reach out and come to you for support is a HUGE step forward! From your post, seeing that he is also able to open up to you and talk to you, as well as reach out and comfort you when you are down is a lot of progress.

I have to admit, your posts brought happy tears to my eyes. I always love hearing about couples growing stronger together and learning to work together. While it is sad that we don’t have that from the beginning, developing that along the way creates a strong bond.

I hope that coming back to the “real world” with all its stressors and challenges won’t tarnish the progress you have made together. It might challenge it, but just keep trying, continue being open and honest with each other. I am very optimistic about how well you are doing together now, and I hope that this will continue in the future.

Enjoy the rest of your trip! I can’t wait to hear about more of your adventures!!

[champagnesuppanova]

One week to go! A quick update as I eat breakfast and my BF remains sleeping upstairs in the hotel room. I have plucked up the courage to have some of the conversations with him that I have been wanting to have for a while. It is always hard starting these conversations with him because I know he finds it incredibly difficult to talk about. He feels embarrassed - I'm not sure if it is because he doesn't like the subject matter or because he doesn't like to be reminded of the cross that he bears in terms of dealing with the addiction and his past behaviour.

But anyway, we had a good, productive and meaningful convesation last night. I finally managed to explain to him that I am scared and worried about going home because we have been away from his computer and webcams for over 2 months now and I feel he has been calmer, more balanced, more open, more loving and generally a nicer person to be around. I did actually say to him that I know he doesn't like talking about this stuff but that it was really important to me to be able to talk to him about it because it helped me to cope and to understand and to deal with it. He said he knew and understood that. Then he explained that he is in a different place as a person now - that the change started before we came on this trip because he had been stopping use of P and MSB. Of course it has been easier without ready access to a computer, but he said "I don't need it". He also acknowledged that when he views P it sends him through mood swings. I think he has a greater understanding of the destructive effect of P on him (and me) than perhaps I have given him credit for. He has a determination to exercise greater self-restraint in his life, not just with P but with his work and his diet. We talked about him losing weight because he has lost weight whilst we have been away. Self image and feelings of physical inadequacy have always haunted him. He said he did feel better about himself for losing weight. He still wants to lose more and he wants to continue to keep a healthier life-style when we go home. He does seem to make the connection between his own feelings of self-worth and his desires to turn to P.

It was an incredibly helpful conversation for me. I managed to articulate my fears and what I need from him. I refered him back to his disclosure about the wet-dream and explained that knowing that had happened and that he had told me helped to reassure me and helped me to understand where he is with all this and to make sure we are both still moving forward at the same pace and with the same ideas about dealing with the problem.

It is hard to try to deal with this addiction with someone who finds it so incredibly difficult to talk about - to the point that he rarely, if ever, starts a conversation about it. But I know he is trying, and he does respond to me when I start the conversations. I still feel as though part of the reason he doesn't like to talk about it with me is because he thinks if I know the true extent of the effects of this addiction on his mind that I won't want him anymore. In other words, he doesn't trust me to know everything because he is scared of the consequences. I wish he didn't have that fear because the truth is quite the opposite - it is the NOT knowing that pushes me away because I NEED to know so that I can process things and understand and live with this in my life. If I don't know, or if I have an unpleasant discovery without it coming from him, that is when I find it the most difficult to deal with.

I still have yet to have the conversation about installing K9 on all our home computers. I think last night we covered enough just for me to reinforce how important it is to keep communicating and for him to explain how he is changing as a person and doesn't need the P in his life. I suppose it doesn't sound like much really, but for me, for us, it's another positive step. When I look back to the time I first discovered the extent of his internet/webcam use, through to the arguments we had over that, me initially trying to accept his webcam affairs, the first time he used the word "addiction" in connection with his P use, and all the stages we have been through since then, I can't believe it sometimes. But to hear him say yesterday that he doesn't need it - that realisation within him - that is what keeps me going. I know deep down he gets it.

Anyway, that's where we are at now. Just have to see how things go when we get home I guess. CSN.

[Disillusioned]

CSN, great going, Lady. Wow! By far, the war is not won, but you have won a battle, a victory, and he is in a good place now to start. How it will go when the urges do come, and the computer is there, is hard to predict. Let's hope he takes a real hard look at it and comes out on the plus side. You are amazing to me, CSN. Best wishes, always.

[champagnesuppanova]

One more day left on this continent and then we fly home. The last few days have been pretty good with some moments of brilliant thrown in. When we arrived in Santiago 2 days ago, we went out for dinner in the evening to celebrate the end of the motorbike part of the trip. We had crossed the Andes mountain range during the day so it had been quite a trek. After dinner, we went for a walk and talked. It started with me trying to explain that I was scared to go home not only because I was worried that he might relapse, but because I was afraid to go back to the situation where I was too scared to leave our apartment and go to work because of what he might do. That period in our relationship was highly stressful and damaging for me and my mental and physical health. I don't want to go back there. These last 2 months or so have been a real break for me from all the worry and heartache that I used to feel at home and work. No wondering what he has been up to in the day, whether he has relapsed, whether he is hiding something from me again. It has been a relief, a respite.

As we walked, we talked. We talked about about his commitment to recovery, how I see the conflict within him sometimes of wanting and trying to rise above it and be the person he wants to be. He said that he could see conflict within me sometimes also - which is true. We both have our own struggles in life. He was right to point that out. He knows about my battle with my weight.

Then we talked about what might lie behind his addiction, it's causes. I have had a theory for a while now based on information about his childhood and past that has come out over the last two years, and more recently when we were seeing the counsellor before our trip. I have never shared this theory with him before, but the time just seemed right. So I explained I was about to speak fairly openly and bluntly and shared with him how I think his addiction may have started sowing its seeds almost as soon as he was born. How he felt rejection as a child from his family and so as he hit puberty he found other ways to make himself feel good about himself to fill the whole left by the low self-esteem and lack of love he felt within his family. He talked about his tendency to get attention as a child by acting up because he felt he was not being loved. Acting up got him negative attention, but it was attention. Then as he discovered sexual pleasures as a teenager, there opened up a whole new way to fill the emotional gap. Get the girl, get the sex, don’t engage emotionally, get out.
He actually thought that I might have something. It's only arm-chair psychology, but to have him listen about how this addiction developed in him and how it grew and why he feels the need to use P and MSB, that really was something. My hope is that if he can see and understand the reasons why he feels so drawn to using P and MSB, then maybe he can finally begin to unravel this whole thing and rebuild his relationship with sex and emotional involvement with women. We talked about how his relationship history (many women, masses of sex, no emotional commitment) may well be a manifestation of him obtaining the pure sexual pleasure his addiction drives him to without putting his neck on the line emotionally.

This conversation was important to me. That he understood the theory and could see the logic of the behavioural patterns that have formed in his life was almost overwhelming for me. Knowing that he is open to that theory, open to understanding the causes of the addiction - that means that he is open to truly trying to deal with this addiction that has been hanging over us for so long now. Not that it will ever not hang over us, but at least if we both understand its causes and address those, then we will be killing the addiction at its heart and not just trying to crisis-manage on a day to day basis.

[waterlily327]

CSN, I am so glad you were able to have that conversation. As I constantly rediscover (because I seem to forget), that ability to be honest with our feelings is one of the most important things. Being able to talk about those feelings after we recognize them is a rare skill…and probably the most important thing. It sounds like you are creating a strong foundation for the future of your relationship!

[Disillusioned]

It's been months, CSN. Just wanted to let you know, I still remember you and think of you often. I am hoping things between the two of you continue to evolve the way you wanted. I know there are many challenges and many distractions that will be present when you get back. If you check on us, I am hoping you see this and drop us a note to say how you are doing.

Best wishes always.

[champagnesuppanova]

It's been a while. I've been around, reading, thinking. Still with my PA. He still uses, although not nearly as much anymore. Maybe once every 10 days to 2 weeks whereas before it could be up to 3 times a day. I needed to take a step back. I didn't like that my PA was reading my journal here, all my thoughts and feelings, and yet he was still all clammed up and not talking to me. I needed to have some privacy from him whilst I worked stuff out in my head. But we are talking more now and so I have finally got back to a place where I feel able to write again. So I will. But for now, this is enough.

[Disillusioned]

CSN, I didn't mean to put you in an uncomfortable place. i am happy to hear you are okay and that he is working on his issues. You do whatever you need to do about journaling for yourself. Just thought I would let you know that we are here, interested, and hoping this goes well. Good luck on your journey and thanks for posting and letting us know you are okay.