Moving forward with faith, strength, & love...

[FaithStrengthLove]

My feelings really are a roller coaster ride. I woke up feeling so sad and discouraged, so undesirable and defeated...

I wasn't sure if I even wanted to continue the relationship... As the day goes on, I am feeling much better, and I even feel excited that I will be talking to my BF soon.

Are these up and down feelings--even when our PA's aren't doing anything wrong--normal?

It has only been a few days since his last lapse... We should be careful of acting like the incident never happened. Many times when we have problems, I am so eager for things to return back to normal, I act as if nothing happened... but then when days like these come I am hard to deal with. That is probably unfair and confusing...

I woke up thinking of all the negatives... Right now, I am thinking of how much I love him. I feel sympathetic to his struggle, and I feel appreciative of how loving, kind, understanding, and sensitive he is being. I know he is trying, and he deserves credit for that.

We can do this... Together. I am willing to try. I just hope he continues to be understanding and patient when I have these days...

I'm making a list of boundaries, what I expect, cannot accept, etc.

[waterlily327]

Hey FaithStrengthLove, I just want to let you know that I have experienced those SAME EXACT feelings and emotions. It is really hard trying to support someone when you feel like they have made your world collapse around you. It is really hard getting that mad at someone when you love them (especially when you see them trying to change).

Here is the thing. When I found out that my BF cheated on me, I when through all those feelings that you are experiencing now (it was around that time when his P usage came to light--back in summer 2010). I was in denial a lot of the time, trying to pull the wool over my own eyes and make things seem better than they really were. This only caused more problems because I would build up all those feelings inside and they would come out in a huge screaming/crying session leaving us both feeling horrid. Please, if you catch yourself trying to sugar-coat things, don't make the same mistakes that I did! It only causes more problems.

The emotions are really hard. I found the 100% open communication and honesty was the only thing that helped me. This may or may not work for you, but I have seen that talking is so much better than bottling up those feelings. They just eat away at you. If you cannot talk to your BF, find ANYONE to talk to. You need to take care of yourself before worrying about your BF. I am still learning that, but the wonderful community here at TTF is helping me.

The rollercoaster will continue for some time…it is awful, so do not neglect yourself in this process! >:D<

[JenMac]

Hi Faith!
Man, I remember those extreme ups and downs so well! I am one year in and I still have them, though less often and less severe most times.
Remember to go easy on yourself. This is not going away quickly, nor should it. You have experienced a trauma in your life. Be careful about returning to 'normal' too soon. I fought 'normal' with everything I had within me. Every time I felt a returning to 'normal' I crashed. It seems I knew instinctively that I needed to keep this in the forefront to foster and maintain healing for both of us. What I needed to do was to find the right balance and that took some time. In the beginning I found we were either dealing with this in an allconsuming and heavy duty way or we were trying to pretend that all was well. It took time for us to discover that we could deal with this continuously but in a more even way, if that makes sense.
I still find that, after a year's time, we talk about this everyday. We are moving forward but we are not leaving this behind, we are using it as a jumping off point for a better future together by continuing this fight together.
My H has been extremely patient this whole time, as he should have been. Don't apologize for the time required to heal from this horrible intrusion in your life! My H's counsellor told him, my healing was on my own timeline, not his, and his job was to help me through this by being patient and willing to do whatever it took. He had caused this upset in our lives and it was up to him to help me in my healing. He has done all of that and more. We wouldn't be where we are now if that was not the case.
Be patient with yourself Faith! YOu have experienced something huge in your life and it will take time for you to get past this. I liken it to the grieving process because that is what it seemed like to me, grief.
Go easy! Look after you! Express your needs!
Hugs to you!
Jenn

[FaithStrengthLove]

When I was married (2005-2006), the person I was married to was severely addicted to P. Soft P, hardcore P, magazines, even music videos. When I was with him, I wasn't aware it was an addiction. Now that I have encountered this for the second time in my life, I look back and recognize it for what it is. He would hide P, watch it in secret, confine himself to the bathroom to MB... It was horrible. After I left him (not just for the PA, but for many other reasons), it took me a long time to rebuild my self-esteem, and I did not realize how fragile I still was until I faced this problem again with my current BF. It reopened old wounds, and I found myself picking myself up again, or at least trying to.

I've also realized something about myself. I comfort eat (known as emotional eating) when I'm depressed. I recognize it now because I did it when I was with my ex-husband. All the women in my family (and a couple of the men) engage in this. Now that I recognize it, I'm going to work on it.

Do you think people who are suffering from an addiction tend to enter relationships with other people who are suffering from an addiction, as a way to enable each other (maybe on a subconscious level)? Just a thought...

Back to the reopening of old wounds... I now find myself not only dealing with my current BF's addiction, but also struggling to resolve those unresolved issues from my past relationship that I wasn't even aware existed. I am doing good at not making my current BF suffer for the previous relationship, but it is a battle... And I'm struggling to define where my feelings about my current PA's addiction begin, and my feelings about my ex PA's addiction end... I think we as humans, by nature, compare and contrast people, situations, issues, etc. I am trying not to do that too much with my current and past situation, but sometimes I cannot help it.

I also have been working on establishing boundaries, what I need, and what I expect from my PA. I'm sure I will revise it, adding and taking away, as my PA and I progress, but for now we are both agreed on the boundaries and expectations.

[FaithStrengthLove]

I'm not sure if this belongs in my journal or not... But it is my journal, so I'm putting it here! :)

This site and members are so honest, positive, encouraging, and supportive...for the most part. I love how kind, responsive, honest, and positive most of the people are...

So when I read a post that is negative and discouraging in response to us who are striving to be positive and strong, it really makes me angry. If a person is that negative and defeated, why are they here? They are really a stumbling block to those of us who still have faith and hope.

So I guess my question is this, if all you have to offer is negativity, why offer anything at all? Why are you even here?

[stillandagain]

Reading your next-to-last post amazes me that you and I are both experiencing NOT OUR FIRST experience with a PA.

Is it embarassing for you? do you question how and why you did it again? I sure do! The difference for me this time, though, is my staying power. After a 26 year history of it in my first marriage to a PA, resulting in a clear and final bye-bye and not looking back, I am hopeful in this "new" marriage. It really feels different. The first time I reached the point of simply being 'done' and I was. While that potential may give me a bit of strength, it is not what I intend or want or expect will happen this time.

Does that even make sense?

[FaithStrengthLove]

Reading your next-to-last post amazes me that you and I are both experiencing NOT OUR FIRST experience with a PA.

Is it embarassing for you? do you question how and why you did it again? I sure do! The difference for me this time, though, is my staying power. After a 26 year history of it in my first marriage to a PA, resulting in a clear and final bye-bye and not looking back, I am hopeful in this "new" marriage. It really feels different. The first time I reached the point of simply being 'done' and I was. While that potential may give me a bit of strength, it is not what I intend or want or expect will happen this time.

Does that even make sense?

Hi, StillAndAgain. You make perfect sense :). When I realized my BF is a PA, I was embarrassed at first. I was embarrassed and disgusted (sometimes I still feel that way). I do question, "Why again?" But I've had a few different relationships since I left my ex-husband, and none of them had PA... When I was married, I didn't know about PA. Now that I know, I do feel differently. I know how to help now, and he wants help. Sometimes I go back and forth with feeling done with my current relationship, but I try to remember that the incident only just happened again... It will take time and he is trying.

I rambled a bit... Lol. I hope you can understand my message.

[FaithStrengthLove]

Each time something happens, it's like a test... And each time, I have failed so far. My PA needs a new cellphone, and he needs it badly. I know he needs one, but the minute he mentions something with internet connection, I tense up. My mind starts racing about all the P he'll be getting ahold of... I start thinking about how his recovery is sure to fail when temptation is right there at all times...

I don't know what to do... I want to get to a point where I don't feel this way, but he's an addict, and that is simply too much temptation!

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Hi,

Its possible to get a cell phone without internet. This is his recovery. Have you told him about your concerns? If he is committed, he will do EVERYTHING to stay away from P and reassure you.

I am not sure why you are a failure if your partner is not doing things to reassure you about his commitment against P. Your concerns and fears are normal, and have a source.

Hugs.

[JenMac]

HI Faith,
I believe there are filters you can get for certain cellphones. I remember reading something about this, I believe it was from Phil.
Hope this helps!
Jenn