Hesitantly & painfully starting the journey...

[FaithStrengthLove]

I appreciate all those who read this and those who will offer advice, support, and encouragement. Thank you.

I have known my boyfriend for nearly two years, and we have been in a relationship for six months. We have certain things that we have agreed are cheating, and he has violated them (but not all of them). I found out about his addiction (and other things that hurt me) in January, so this is still fresh and new. It happens again and again... And each time I feel hurt, angry, and like giving up. I go back and forth between blaming myself and blaming him. I often find myself thinking, "Why am I not enough? Why am I not good enough? What could I do to be better so he won't need those things?" I've allowed my self-esteem and self-confidence to plummet. I have even begun to have nightmares about him cheating. I have a lot going on in my life right now, and this is added stress I don't need! Sometimes I think it would be much easier to let him go, but I love him dearly, and I do want him to get help.

I don't understand why he can't stop. I don't understand why he needs these things. He is enough for me, so what's wrong with me? Why am I not enough? Each time he does these things I feel less and less attractive. Sometimes I do not believe he loves me, and I always doubt his attraction to me. He swears that it's not me and that he doesn't want me to look like those women or be more like them, but deep down I feel he does.

I am rambling, I know, but I don't have anyone I can talk about this to... I'm tired of hurting, doubting myself, feeling low, wondering what he's doing... I'm sick of feeling like his warden, and it's only been since January! But since January there have been at least 5 different incidents, and those are just the ones I know about... Sometimes, I want to hurt him because he's hurt me. I want to do something to make myself feel better. Is that wrong?

I just feel very hurt, vulnerable, unattractive, and weak... Weak for staying with him.

Thank you for listening/reading.

[JenMac]

Hi Faith!
I am glad you are here! I am glad you have found us to share your thoughts with! That is so important that you can get these feelings expressed!
Faith, it is important that you take some time to think about yourself in all of this. What is important to you? What do you need from this relationship that will make you feel safe, loved and respected? Those are the decisions we have all had to make Faith. And then you will be able to determine what you need to do to set your boundaries, what you will accept and what you will not. And relate these boundaries to your bf.
It will then be up to him what he chooses but you will have already made up your mind what you intend to do if these boundaries, these expectations are not met. You see Faith, we do have choices in this and so do they, but sometimes those choices don't match. Hopefully they do.
Think about yourself first Faith!
And don't let this consume you! Don't you take this on as your fault! Don't let this destoy your self worth or body image. This is your problem only because it is his problem!
I am sorry you are in this situation Faith! But I am glad you have found us! TTF has been a blessing to myself and my H, I hope it will be for you as well!
All the best!
Jenn

[RORAMO]

Hello Faith!
It's as though I was just reading something I had written. Your words sound EXACTLY like mine. The thing I always say to my husband when I had "caught" him was, "How can I EVER compare to those women???" He says the same thing. That he doesn't want for me to look like that. But, come on! Really? It's hard for me to get over what has happened in our marriage. That even though I have begged and pleaded with him to stop...that he makes me feel worthless when he does that...he would keep on doing this. It was as though my pain and agony meant absolutely nothing to him, even though he has sworn that I am the most important person in his world. How can you believe something like that afterwhile? My H found this site and I am happy to say that he has become a member! I have only been here for a few days, but the support is overwhelming - in a good way. Is your BF a member? Has he actually admitted to having a problem? He should be on here to read that he is NOT alone. I think that's what blew my H's mind the most...was that there are so many PA's like him. There are many people out there, like your BF, who need a jumpstart in to believing there is another way to live your life outside of P.
If I can find it in me to believe that my H can quit...I believe your BF can do the same. There is always hope. Stay positive...you ARE beautiful, and don't let anything like this get in the way of knowing your self-worth.
All the best...
R

[FaithStrengthLove]

Thank you. Right from the beginning you were incredibly kind. I appreciate this because, as I told my SO, I do not have anyone besides him that I can talk to. Thank you for the suggestion, and I will do what you said. I do need to think about me in this.

Thank you.

[FaithStrengthLove]

Thanks for your response. It feels so good to have people who can relate to what I am going through. I have read posts here and said, "That is exactly how I feel!" It's as if people are taking thoughts and feelings directly from me and writing them down. In some way, this is very comforting.

And I do feel worthless and inadequate. What hurts more is even though he knows how much this hurts me, he does it again and again. When I look at myself I find myself thinking about what things need improving. When I look at other women I find myself comparing me to them...

[FaithStrengthLove]

When I go through my boyfriend's account, history, etc., I feel guilty. When I question him I feel guilty. He deleted many of his social networks and has given me all his passwords, but he still does things that hurt me. Even so, I feel guilty. I do not like feeling like a warden. I feel bad every time I go through his accounts or history. Why do I feel so guilty? Should I feel this way?

[JenMac]

No Faith, you should not feel guilty!
But try hard not to let this consume you either. I know what it is like to be checking constantly! It can become our obsession. In a way we need to learn to let go. You say you have all of the passwords, does your bf have a filter on the computer? If not, would he be willing to install one?
Don't feel guilty but try not to become the warden either! It is up to him to committ to his recovery and to show you he is serious in his efforts.
Since this has happened we have had filters on our computers and I have the passwords. My H installed them as a way to show me his seriousness in his recovery. He felt it was something concrete he could give to me in the beginning.
Hugs for you Faith!!
Jenn

[waterlily327]

Hey Faith,
I am glad you are here, and I hope that you find journaling helpful. I am sorry that you are dealing with this. I know it is really hard--I have struggled with feelings of guilt, worthlessness, etc. myself, but try to remember that your BF's PA is not happening because of anything that you have done.
Does your BF realize that this is a problem? You should introduce him to TTF...my BF is here as a PA and has found this site helpful for him. Talk to your BF about installing a filter on his computer. My BF just installed K-9 (it doesn't cost anything) and it has already helped him a lot.
I have found that talking about everything has significantly helped my BF and I work our way through this. We are still in the very early stages of this, but things are going well right now. JenMac suggested to me that you decide what you need to know before asking, because some of it hurts too much and isn't worth the cost. You will find what works for you. I look forward to reading more of your journal...remember, you aren't alone here! Wishing you the best!

[FaithStrengthLove]

Hey Faith,
I am glad you are here, and I hope that you find journaling helpful. I am sorry that you are dealing with this. I know it is really hard--I have struggled with feelings of guilt, worthlessness, etc. myself, but try to remember that your BF's PA is not happening because of anything that you have done.
Does your BF realize that this is a problem? You should introduce him to TTF...my BF is here as a PA and has found this site helpful for him. Talk to your BF about installing a filter on his computer. My BF just installed K-9 (it doesn't cost anything) and it has already helped him a lot.
I have found that talking about everything has significantly helped my BF and I work our way through this. We are still in the very early stages of this, but things are going well right now. JenMac suggested to me that you decide what you need to know before asking, because some of it hurts too much and isn't worth the cost. You will find what works for you. I look forward to reading more of your journal...remember, you aren't alone here! Wishing you the best!

Thank you for your response, WaterLily. My BF (boyfriend and my best friend) is a member, and he has installed filters, but he took K-9 off his computer because he said it was blocking his internet connection altogether. I have a serious problem with this. I feel he just didn't want K-9. He is using Bitdefender's parental blocks, but I would rather him use K-9 because it has a site and it just seems better!

I think I will work on boundaries today. I am glad you and your PA have been able to be so honest. I look forward to me and my PA getting to that point. To answer your question, he does view it as a problem. I don't think he did at first, but I think he is really starting to realize how serious it is.

Thank you for the encouragement!

[FaithStrengthLove]

We have our good days and bad days... Today is a semi-bad day. I woke up last night around 2 a.m. I woke up thinking about my PA and our relationship... Sometimes I feel like I don't want to try. I think about all he has done, and I think how he knows what he does hurts me, yet he continued to do it... I think about how he has lied, how he has disrespected our relationships, and I get angry. I woke up feeling like he doesn't really care about me. If he really cared, why won't he stop? Should I express these feelings to my PA?

I am thinking of some of the things he has done and the times he has done them... Like looking at P or something similar while being on the phone with me, and all the while... I am disgusted with him right now. I love him, yet I am repulsed by him right now. One thing that truly bothers me is that he looked at cartoon P one time! When I found that out, I felt like he was one of the lowest creatures on earth! How do I get past feeling disgusted?

On another topic, I chose this screen-name as a reminder of some things I will need for us to get through this. I'm lacking on 2 out of 3 today...

Right now, I am thinking of some boundaries and requirements. There are things I am going to need in order to feel good about us again, and until I feel good about us again he is going to have to be transparent. I mean 100%, clear as a freshly cleaned window transparent.

I also came to a realization: I do not have anything to feel guilty or ashamed of. My feelings are directly caused by his actions. I do not have to feel bad about "checking" on him and what he is doing. Why should I? He knows I do it. He is the one who offered his account information. This is part of holding him accountable. I also realize I cannot "police" his recovery, I cannot force it, and this is his responsibility. I am here to give support and to heal myself. I am here to try and salvage our relationship. Why should I feel bad for holding him accountable? But I do need to make sure I do not drive myself crazy worrying over what he is or isn't doing. I appreciate the members who helped me to realize this.