Fragile Ego

[fragileego]

This is my effort to heal after discovering my H's PA less than four months ago, when I was eight months pregnant with our first baby.

The last four months have been such a roller coaster of emotion. I never knew that I could feel such fear, anger, love, and exhilaration at once. The birth of our first child was the happiest day of my life, and yet it was clouded by this newly discovered betrayal by my H. I want to trust him, but I don't right now. We have been married for less than one year, and should be having the time of our lives right now, but we're not.

I resent him for this.

I resent him for bringing this into my life.

I resent him for making me feel inadequate and unattractive, when all I ever do is love and care for him.

I resent him for lying to me, for choosing P over ME, when I have made it more than clear that I am available to him, both sexually and emotionally.

I resent him for seeking pleasure by watching other women -- younger women -- in objectifying and demeaning situations, and believing this is okay.

I resent him for not being able to communicate with me, for not being able to tell me what he feels, or why he feels the way he does about me.

I resent him for not seeming to take my concerns and feelings into consideration about this one issue, which is basically the ONE THING we have ever really fought about in our relationship.

I resent him for taking me for granted, for overlooking my qualities and all the good things that I add to his life.

I do not want our daughter to grow up with this in our lives. I want her to grow up to be a confident woman with a healthy self-esteem. I don't want her growing up thinking that her father objectifies women, and that this is okay.

I want there to be openness and transparency in our lives. I want to feel like I am my H's best friend again and his lover. I want to trust him -- to trust US -- again. I never used to doubt our relationship, but I do now. I doubt my role in this relationship other than as a wife and a mother, the person who cares for others, but whose needs go unmet when it comes to emotional and sexual intimacy.

I hope we can move through this together, but I also need to get through this on my own, to feel confident about myself again and to realize that the problem is with HIM, NOT with me!

If there is one thing my little girl has taught me thus far, it is a fearless love. I will do anything for her well-being and her safety, and if it means removing us from this situation for the time being, then that is what will happen. Sadly.

[JenMac]

I hope we can move through this together, but I also need to get through this on my own, to feel confident about myself again and to realize that the problem is with HIM, NOT with me!

Wise words Fragileego! And so very true!


If there is one thing my little girl has taught me thus far, it is a fearless love. I will do anything for her well-being and her safety, and if it means removing us from this situation for the time being, then that is what will happen. Sadly

Good for you! Cherish that little one and hold her tight!

I am sorry you are experiencing this in this most important time of your life! You don't deserve this but I am glad to see your little one is inspiring a strength in you to deal with this. It is important that you think of what you and your little one need most at this time. Do for you!

...thinking of you Fragileego!

Jenn

[waterlily327]

I hope we can move through this together, but I also need to get through this on my own, to feel confident about myself again and to realize that the problem is with HIM, NOT with me!

I don't think I would have been able to say it better myself. It is hard to see that a lot of the time...that the problem is within the PA, not with the SO. I am an SO too, and often the line is blurred for me. I want to blame myself for his actions because then there is something I can fix if the problem is me. DO NOT FALL INTO THAT TRAP! It is really hard not to, but you have to remember that nothing you did caused his PA. I am so sorry that you are going through this in what should be the happiest time of your life. I hope that you and your H can work through it together. If he has not joined TTF, encourage him to look at the recovering PA side. TTF has been helpful for both my PA boyfriend and myself. I hope you find some level of comfort here. Stay strong!Thinking of you, and wishing you and your daughter the best! >:D<

[Mac]

Hi! There FE
I was going to say welcome to TFF, but to honest it just breaks my heart to see you here, but i would like to say you have definately come to a great place to get some support for the situation you find yourself in.
I am a recovering PA and have been a member here at TTF for nearly a year and the sad thing is your story isn't that uncommon in the world we are living in today.
Congratulations on the new addition to your family. This is supposed to be the most joyous event of your life and your H's as well, but it is being overshadowed by P addcition. This is a true indication of just how serious an affliction this truly is, that your H is not able to stay away from P even in this amazing time.
Your list of resentments is every SO's list and something that just knocks me to my knees everytime i see an SO talk about it.
Be sure to be honest with yourself about your expectations and needs and be sure to convey this very directly to your H.
PA can have no place in your life or your daughters.
I pray for your whole family.

Mac

[BelieveInHope]

Hi Fragile Ego,
I found out about my H's secret addiction when I was 10 weeks pregnant with our second child, a daughter. You are definitely not alone. This is an exhausting but also precious time and it goes so quickly. I resented my H for overshadowing such a joyous time with the pain and destruction his addiction wrought on our relationship, which was true, however I also found great joy during my pregnancy and during the nine months Baby Girl has blessed our lives.
Seek out the beautiful, joyful moments and hold on to them. Her love, her smile, the scent of her skin, the sound her her laughter...these moments and experiences can be like a healing balm for your broken heart. She is your gift to give you strength during this time.
I am sorry you are here, but you sound like you've got your head on straight and you're ready to fight for yourself, your relationship, and your daughter.
Blessings to you and your family tonight.

[fragileego]

Your list of resentments is every SO's list and something that just knocks me to my knees everytime i see an SO talk about it.

Mac,

Maybe you can help me understand this some? If so many SO's voice the same resentments/reactions to their SO's PA, and it does seem like we do from what I've read so far on this site, then doesn't it ever occur to the PA that their actions would illicit this kind of response? To me, this would seem obvious, but I'm not sure if it's due to the the different ways men and women seem to view sex generally (i.e. women see it as something that is more emotional, whereas men seem to have less of a problem separating sex from emotional intimacy).

For instance, my H would view (view?) P in the morning while I was literally sleeping in the next room, which I find to be so incredibly disrespectful to me and to us. I would never do this to H. It didn't seem to occur to H that this was wrong when I found out and talked to him about it, which was equally baffling. This is one of the most frustrating things about the PA.

Thanks for your kind words and your insight, and I'm glad you have been able to overcome your PA.

[Mac]

If so many SO's voice the same resentments/reactions to their SO's PA, and it does seem like we do from what I've read so far on this site, then doesn't it ever occur to the PA that their actions would illicit this kind of response?


Well Fragile I would say it very much does occurr to us, but I'm afraid not until after the fact, very sad but true.

Mac

[rosie]

Mac,

Maybe you can help me understand this some? If so many SO's voice the same resentments/reactions to their SO's PA, and it does seem like we do from what I've read so far on this site, then doesn't it ever occur to the PA that their actions would illicit this kind of response? To me, this would seem obvious, but I'm not sure if it's due to the the different ways men and women seem to view sex generally (i.e. women see it as something that is more emotional, whereas men seem to have less of a problem separating sex from emotional intimacy).

For instance, my H would view (view?) P in the morning while I was literally sleeping in the next room, which I find to be so incredibly disrespectful to me and to us. I would never do this to H. It didn't seem to occur to H that this was wrong when I found out and talked to him about it, which was equally baffling. This is one of the most frustrating things about the PA.

Thanks for your kind words and your insight, and I'm glad you have been able to overcome your PA.

Firstly hi and welcome!

It is so easy for us to think this about us, but I think in truth it isn't. You sleeping in the next room is not an option for a p-addict, because p-addiction has nothing to do with sex as far as I believe. It is about control, stress relief, and inability to deal with emotions. I do not believe that sex with you is even comparable to P because they are entirely different things. This was very difficult for me to accept, but I have now. I honestly do not believe the two are related any more - but to us they are, because we think and act differently and we feel cheated on when they turn to P for 'sexual' gratification instead of us.

I also believe that men are different to women in many ways. For instance, sexually, apparently men are 'visual thinkers', where as women are 'emotional'. To us, when I have viewed P in the past, all I could do was feel sad for the women on screen and wonder how their lives got that way. I ended up feeling depressed when I would watch it and know that the women were faking orgasms. But my partner - a very intelligent man, wouldn't think. He would just *react* to the P - in a sexual way. I remember asking him bluntly one day - "Do you actually believe that she is enjoying that"? And he honestly did think she was. I couldn't believe he was so blind to all the obvious signs that something wasn't right.....

The difference is, to us, those are women and men. They are not objects. To a PA, they are objects to meet a selfish end. To your PA, you are a woman and a person - completely different things. It's like comparing a whole live person to a cardboard cut-out of some random woman - they are not the same and as such when the PA 'chooses' to 'act out' with the cut-out - they are not thinking that it is a choice between that and you because you are in different categories.

Anyway.. enough rambling. I hope some of this makes sense.

[fragileego]

Firstly hi and welcome!

It is so easy for us to think this about us, but I think in truth it isn't. You sleeping in the next room is not an option for a p-addict, because p-addiction has nothing to do with sex as far as I believe. It is about control, stress relief, and inability to deal with emotions. I do not believe that sex with you is even comparable to P because they are entirely different things. This was very difficult for me to accept, but I have now. I honestly do not believe the two are related any more - but to us they are, because we think and act differently and we feel cheated on when they turn to P for 'sexual' gratification instead of us.

I completely agree, Rosie, and I could have written so much of what you said! I'm beginning to understand the difference between the real and the fantasy with my H. I believe that it has to do with control and his inability to deal with stressors -- it's a temporary escape/relief for him, which makes me feel a bit sorry for him in a way. BUT, for me, real sex can be a huge stress reliever too, which is why it is still hard to accept him choosing the P over me.

I'm beginning to understand the differences between male/female perceptions of sex. I actually studied this as an undergraduate, so I would have thought I'd have been a bit better prepared, but seeing it act out with my SO has been hard to accept in some ways.

I remember reading a study about the male and female gaze of strangers in public. Cameras were set up to follow the gaze of strangers interacting on a subway, for instance. Men tended to firstly look at the chest/butt areas before looking at a woman's face, whereas women looked at men's faces first. Not much of a surprise, but I've also read that there are biological reasons as to why men and women consider certain features to represent characteristics that will enable them to procreate (fertility/health vs. strength/protection). So I understand that there are biological things that drive some of these differences, but I also believe that men learn early on to curb some of these impulses, and that some of it is a choice.

Last week, during our last fight on this issue, I said to H, "You're using these women as objects for your own selfish needs, but women are not objects! We're people!!" Objectively, I don't think he thinks we're objects, but his behavior makes me question my understanding of him.

In some ways, what it comes down to is values. In my world of values, objectifying women for sexual turn-on is NOT OKAY, even if the women being portrayed in the images say it is. (I don't see P as empowering to women overall.) His behavior suggests that in his world of values, it is okay, which makes me wonder what else he thinks is okay vis-a-vis women.

I've worked as an attorney representing women and children who have been raped, sexually and/or physically abused, or trafficked (and I am a sexual assault survivor), so this topic is something of great personal importance to me. The fact that H fails to make the connections makes me question who this person is that I married. He is an amazing person who is passionate about human rights, so this whole situation confuses me.

Then again, it doesn't seem that PA is a rational affliction to which much logic can be applied...

[fragileego]

I'm re-posting my first post on this site for background:

I am grateful to have found this site. I have been suffering in silence, and I feel like I am losing my mind. I'm grateful for anyone willing to listen.

I found out about my SO's problem about 3 months ago when I was nearly 8 months pregnant with our first baby. We are both in our early 30's, and have been married for less than one year. I moved to another country to start a life with him, and have little to no support system here of my own.

I stumbled upon SO's web history on his mobile while looking up a link. I had no idea he was watching this regularly, and most likely would have discovered this years ago had I been someone who snoops. We had never discussed the issue (maybe I naively assumed he wasn't into it because he had me and what I believed was a healthy sexual relationship) I was devastated; I felt betrayed, as though I had been cheated on, I felt worthless and wondered why he was even married to me. I was feeling self-conscious with the changes my body was going through being pregnant, and did not feel very sexy or attractive. However, my hormones were working on overdrive throughout my pregnancy, and I was always in the mood for sex -- which my husband was fully aware of (and I would have thought would be most men's dream come true). Our intimacy waned as my pregnancy progressed, and I couldn't understand why. When I asked SO about it, he always came up with some sort of excuse to avoid being intimate with me.

After I discovered the porn, I asked him about it. I wanted to be understanding and not confrontational. I couldn't understand when and why he was watching this. We were together most of the time when he was not at work, and we live in a relatively small apartment, so it's not as though he can easily hide it from me. I wanted him to be honest with me. We had a long talk -- we've had several long talks in the last few months, yet nothing has changed.

I have been very vocal about how I feel and why this hurts me. A few points:

1) I HATE porn, and I don't think I'm a prude. I consider myself a very sexual and passionate person, and I love sharing this with SO. I think porn is objectifying and demeaning towards women. It makes us look like nothing more than objects for men to use for their own needs. It represents the power that men like to have over women. I have read that up to 70% of women in porn have been sexually abused, which is why they have issues with boundaries and filming themselves doing this stuff. That's all I think about when I think of porn: that this woman is someone's daughter, sister, wife, etc.

I hate how men feel it is their right to watch porn "because it is their nature". Men do not need porn, they just like to convince themselves that they do. Like I'm supposed to just accept this because "this is how men are", which is NOT TRUE because I've been in relationships with men who abhorred porn because they didn't see women demeaning themselves or being objectified as something that is attractive.

Whatever happened to real love, real people, real connections, real feelings?! Are women not human? I don't want our daughter to grow up near this crap; I want her to grow up with a healthy sense of self-worth. There are enough outside the confines of our household that she will have to deal with on an everyday basis in terms of her self-esteem being a female in this world, and SO doesn't seem to get this (as most men don't).

2) SO watches porn with teens (legal) and/or "women" who look nothing like me. The teens are easily ten years younger than me. While I was petite before getting pregnant, my pre-pregnancy figure has not yet returned, and I'm not sure it ever fully will. SO says this doesn't matter, but his actions seem to suggest otherwise. If teens are his fantasy, then I can't help him in this area, and it really upsets me to think that he is getting off to women who have bodies that look nothing like mine. It makes me feel as though he would possibly cheat on me with someone much younger were he given the opportunity to do so. (I don't look at/drool over men with six-packs; I love and fantasize about my SO.) The last thing I saw he viewed was with a redhead, and his ex is a redhead, so that made me feel badly too.

3) SO has used it to replace intimacy with me, and he has lied to me about it. I discovered that he watches it in the morning while I am typically in bed sleeping. I believe he then goes into the shower to MB. I have been very open to him about feeling very sexual and wanting intimacy in the morning or any other time, yet this never happens anymore. It makes me feel as though he married me just "because", and that he wants his cake and he wants to eat it too. He wants sex with me, but he also wants to be able to fantasize about other women when he feels like it.

I hate who I have become. I am angry, paranoid, suspicious, and sad most of the time. I feel devastated and broken. I trusted SO and never would have spied on him, but now that this seed has been planted in my head, I constantly check his computer, and I hate myself for doing this. I also hate that I feel so badly about myself now, inadequate, unattractive, etc.

I feel as though I don't know this person I married. We had a beautiful, healthy baby girl about four weeks ago, and I thought that maybe her arrival would help shift his priorities. It hasn't. When I was in the hospital for two nights with the baby due to complications I discovered that SO was watching porn at home while I stayed overnight, and he was late meeting me at the hospital the next morning. He has watched while I'm in the shower. He watches when I leave the apartment for a half an hour. I feel as though he waits for the opportunity to watch it now -- like I'm keeping him from something more important. He is away this weekend, and I believe he will probably watch it. Now that this has come out into the open, I feel as though he watches it to punish me when we have an argument.

My parents came to visit about two weeks ago, and I caught him during the morning of their last day here. I was crying and couldn't tell them why. SO said he would stop, but then I caught him again four days later. He lied to me about it and I ended up shoving him (I have never done this before) in front of the baby. It was one of the lowest days of my life. I ended up crying hysterically in the shower for an hour. SO apologized and said he would stop.

Less than one week later, I caught him again. Apparently, he thought that he had covered his trail, and tried to turn the issue onto ME. He told me that I was the one with the problem for spying, not him, and that I was attracted to drama, even though this is the one issue we have ever really fought about in our relationship. When I showed him his user history, and it was clear that he had lied to me yet again, he apologized and back tracked. He said he had a problem and wanted to do something about it. He was sorry. He would stop. Please give him another chance.

I don't really think he is sorry for watching porn; I think he is sorry for getting caught. I do think he loves me, and I think he is sorry for hurting me so, but I don't know that he thinks it's a problem.

I am at a loss. I don't know how much more of this I can take. Over the last week, my breast milk supply has decreased by 1/3 because of the stress, so it is affecting our baby too. I have told SO about all of this, but I'm not optimistic that things will change right now. I think he thinks he will just hide it better so that I won't find out, or that he'll wait it out a bit until things "cool down".

At what point do I say enough is enough? I am physically and emotionally exhausted from having a baby and caring for a newborn, let alone the emotional roller coaster all this lying and manipulation has put me through.

I don't trust SO right now, and it hurts so much, as I've always trusted him and us. I don't know what it will take to trust him again. All of these little things trigger me, like seeing him take his cell phone into the bathroom (which probably isn't just a trigger), or leaving the apartment to go get groceries while he's at home alone. I don't want to be intimate with him until I know that he has stopped watching porn, but I have no way of being certain that he has stopped; the thought of him being with these online fantasies and then with me disgusts me. I feel resentful for him putting me through this. We are only just married. We should be enjoying our new marriage!

I love my SO with all my heart and want our marriage to work out. He is a wonderful, loving person despite all that has happened. But he's got a problem and he's being incredibly selfish, and I just don't know what to do at this point or how much more I can take. I haven't given him ultimatums, but I've indicated that I cannot live this way. I've told him again and again how I feel about it, how he is making me feel by knowing this and not stopping. I've asked him to block the sites or to seek treatment, I've offered to go to a therapist with him, which he refuses to do. It's only been a few days since our last fight, and I'm not feeling so optimistic right now about the future, based on what's happened. He is pushing me away.

My mental state is so fragile now that I'm just questioning everything.

Thanks for listening.