A Journey of Hope-Waterlily327's Journal

[waterlily327]

Hello-and thank you- to everyone who may read this.

I already said hi to the TTF community on the new member's welcome page, but as promised, it is time to start my journal. I don't even know where to begin, and I tend to be wordy, so lets start and see where this goes.

A little background: I began dating Rockinastorm (another member of TTF) when we were in high school. We met our senior year, and began dating after several wonderful months of friendship. Though we were going to separate colleges, we decided to tough it out and keep dating. While we both watched other high school relationships around us shatter, we held strong. Three years into our relationship-most of it long distance- we got into a fight and I gave him a choice: you tell me everything, or I am done because I can't deal with the little secrets coming out one at a time, years apart and you telling me "that is it, I swear" every time...

Well, everything came out. He told me about an incident that happened when he was younger that scarred him and his view of women, about cheating on me with a female friend (intimate phone calls, nothing more, but that was part of our pre-determined definition of cheating and it was a huge blow to my already damaged self esteem), the fact that he watched P, had inappropriate daydreams about female friends of his, etc.

So we talked. We worked it out. He cut the other girl out of his life entirely (voluntarily changing his phone number so she could not contact him again as she was the one who had initiated most of the conversations). He distanced himself from several female acquaintances whom he had inappropriate daydreams about. He promised to stop watching P. We decided to tell each other everything. This was at the beginning of summer-June 2010.

There was one catch--while he cut out many of the triggers of his inappropriate behavior, I noticed he kept going back to P. In June, he promised he would cut that out, just like everything else. While he was able to cut out everything, he would come to me very upset and admit he had watched P. At first, it just happened and that would be the end of it. But as time went on, he would watch it, get nervous about telling me (because he knew it hurt me even if I tried not to show it), tell me anyways to keep to our 100% honesty policy, and then breakdown. It became a cycle that became more painful to watch than it was to hear about. By the end of summer, I had the idea that he needed more help than I could give him. I encouraged him to visit his school therapist to talk about his stressors because when he was stressed he watched more P. He did that, and it helped a little, but P was still a problem. I stumbled across a reading about PA and SA in a medical textbook of mine in January this year, and just knew...


About 2 weeks ago, after another incident with P, Rockinastorm realized that this was a problem and was out of control. He began researching PA, and found TTF. He encouraged me to join. He was very uncomfortable with the word "addiction"...so I told him to take some time to adjust to the idea/word, then we could join together. By chance, our 4 year anniversary was 10 days after he realized the problem. We decided to join on our anniversary, March 27th, together. In the time leading up to that day, we researched PA, visited TTF as guests to make sure this would work for us, and talked (and cried) a lot.

We actually joined the day before our anniversary because we are both eager to put this behind us (maybe silly, since it is going to take a long time and a lot more work).

Where we are now: I am so proud of Rockinastorm for all the work he has done--he has come through a lot in life and his family has not been supportive enough emotionally. He was so proactive about this...he has wanted to fix this for months since he realized how much his P use hurt me. Finally finding the label "PA" gave him the tools he needed to fix this because suddenly it was not just a "made-up problem", but a real issue with real resources to help us through. But...I am also scared. I have really been hurt by this. He still looks at other women and, though I know it is not personal, I have such a hard time with that. And of course, P...though he has been sober for almost a week now I am still scared it will come back because it always does.

I love him...maybe 4 years doesn't sound like a long time to a lot of people here, but we have been through a lot together. He is helping me survive an eating disorder (deep-rooted long before any of this came out), and together we have worked on the problems from his past that have come out slowly over the years but have been extremely damaging. We are planning a future together which is why he wants to get help for this now. He encouraged me to join because he knows me well enough to understand I would have kept all this pain to myself otherwise. Sure, we have some up days, and some really low down days, but we are both so invested in this we are willing to do anything to make it through.

Sorry for rambling, but if I am going to tell any part of our story, I need to tell ALL of it. To anyone else reading-how can I best help Rockinastorm on his journey through recovery? I want to be as supportive as possible without being overbearing. Thanks again for reading.

[waterlily327]

It was a relief getting all that out there last night...feels good to get it out in the open and not feel like I need to bottle up all the associated emotions anymore. Not many people know we’ve had any problems…we are the “perfect couple” among our friends which sometimes makes it harder because people don’t believe that we fight or ever have problems. I am glad I can talk here.

Today, I am stressed...I just found out that upon graduation I have been hired for my dream job! The drawback is that I need to move several hours away from our hometown (slightly less time from his school) but now we have no more breaks or school vacations together. I shouldn't be stressed, because he needs to be in school for a few more years anyways (his major requires an advanced degree) and coming from a strict Catholic family, there is no way we will be living together until we get married. So what difference should this make? No matter where I took a job we would still have to be apart…

I just got my dream job...I shouldn't have any bad feelings about this! I just know the continued distance opens up more opportunities for P because I am not there. He doesn't look at P when I am around, and he is much better about not "checking out" other women. I am worried about the strain the continued distance may put on our relationship. It’s stupid because my place of work will actually be closer to him than my school was, but a job just seems so permanent…

He knows this, and we have talked, but before it was just an idea, a “what if…?”. Now it is real and I am scared. It feels good being able to say all of this. I will try to write more later, but for now I need to run.

[Hopeful]

Hi waterlily,

I wanted to stop by and welcome you to TTF. You will find this site to be so informative and helpful for your healing and recovery. Everyone here is very supportive and caring.

I just wanted to let you know that I met my Hopefuls Rock in our Senior Year of high school and we have been married 31 years now. Although this last year has been a trying time, it certainly can turn into a wonderful relationship for you both. And to think....you will be starting off your life together in such a positive way is just beautiful.

As for helping Rockinastorm...I would say that you should always be honest with...tell him exactly how you feel and what hurts you. Sometimes it takes a while for them to completely understand how you feel. Posting is one of the best ways to help with that. I am know there a lot of PA's on here that will help your BF with his struggles also.

Good luck waterlily...I'm glad you are here.

[waterlily327]

Thanks Hopeful. It is really nice to hear your story. It is hard to talk to Rockinastorm sometimes...maybe I am greedy, but he can seem so self-centered. I try to talk, but it is still about him 90% of the time (or at least it feels that way). Maybe I shouldn't be writing this now, because I am mad at him for putting other less-important tasks before his school work, but I am just so frustrated that I need to vent...

Tonight, he started talking to me about how he compared me to the girls in P...how he wished I could be more like them even though I am so far from that! Though I guessed it, that hurts so much because he denied that he felt like that for so long. Plus, it only makes it worse when he starts talking then tries to run away from a tough topic when it gets too hard on him but letting the subject drop. This whole thing hurts so much...I just feel worthless sometimes. Then I get mad at myself because I know he is trying to get better, he found this site for us. So, knowing that, why do I still get so mad at him?

Feelings of the night...inadequate, worthless, hurt, angry, like I am a bad SO for getting mad at him when I know he's trying, like I will never be good enough no matter how hard I try, scared, discouraged, etc. And our night started off so good--he was supportive, talkative, helpful, loving...why did it need to end like this? :((

[JenMac]

HI Waterlily!
I don't understand why your bf would say these things to you at this time, or any time for that matter. Yes, I do believe in honesty but I don't believe in torture.
WL, for myself, I was very hesitant, very careful about what I needed to know. I took my time and allowed myself to really be sure before asking things I was unsure of. I was advised to be careful about the details and so I was very wary of that in particular. I was told the details will stay with you and will be very hard to overcome. Sometimes I felt this need to know things but I made sure to think about why I needed to know before asking Mac to answer my questions.
I will tell you that what your bf thinks now and what he will think after being in recovery for a time, will very likely be worlds apart. He is very likely so caught up in this addiction and so far removed from reality, that he may think he feels this way today but will most likely not feel that way in the future.
WL, sometimes the best of conversations can go downhill fast and the worst can end up being very enlightening and meaningful. I am sorry you had this experience tonight! Although I know it is hard, please try not to let this affect your self worth and dignity. I have fought hard to not go there, you should too!
You have every right to ask what you need to know WL. Just be sure you want to know before you go there.
Hugs for you!
Jenn

[waterlily327]

Hey JenMac, thanks for your reply. I was a bit overwhelmed with everything yesterday, so my post was more…dramatic than it should have been!
Rockinastorm and I decided on a 100% honesty policy, so him telling me that was ok. The way I look at it is I know most of those thoughts are there—and I worry about them needlessly until we can talk about them. Once they are out in the open, we can move past them together. It helps both of us! I don’t know if that approach would work for most people, but it seems to work well for us most of the time.
I know sometimes it seems stupid to open some of these doors, but for me, my worrying is a lot more damaging than anything he can say. JenMac, trust me when I tell you that I have though long and hard about asking all these questions, and in the long run, I am ALWAYS glad I do becasue it helps both of us.
I have asked him about that topic before, and last night was the first time he has been able to open the door on that subject. What bugged me most was that he told me, then tried to change topics because it scares him too…I just wanted to talk! And honestly, last night was more about my frustration in other areas, not that. Last night we were both overwhelmed and stressed about school, my new job, relocating, etc. Trying to take control of something, we gravitated to talking about his PA because that is something we are actively fixing, and normally ends well with both of us feeling like we accomplished something. I guess that last night we just bit off more than we could chew and it spiraled downhill. After a good night’s sleep I want to continue the conversation we started because, for us, talking about all of that is how we move forward. It really wasn’t as bad as I made it seem—like I said, I had a deep-rooted eating disorder before I even started dating him, so my self-esteem issues have been around for a while and even small things can trigger those feelings. He has helped me work past most of that, but old habits die hard, and those little feeling seem to work their way back in unexpectedly. Knowing he is working is the best way to make me feel better and to help us. Thank you so much for your support…it means a lot knowing someone is there to listen when things get rocky.

Question: Is it normal to have these ups and downs often as this is coming out? Rockinastorm and I have been dealing with a lot since last summer, but I guess in the grand scheme of things it is still new, especially the PA side of what we have been working through. Will the emotions eventually settle down if this is normal? (I feel like I am on a rollercoaster some days!)

[JenMac]

Hi WL!
Yes, yes, yes! It is absolutely normal for you to have this rollercoaster of emotion. We have all experienced it. It will continue on for some time! For myself, I would say it lasted at least 9 months but became less over time. Even to this day, I can find myself feeling wonderful one minute and down and out the next.
WL, I am glad talking to your bf helps you and finding out what you need to know assures you. I know that is important for each of us. I don't have any body image issues and have worked hard to make sure I don't take that on here. For me, knowing what went on is important but I struggled in the beginning with knowing how much detail was healthy for me. I found a balance that works for me, knowing that I can know more if and when it is necessary for me to know. I always make sure I am wanting the information for the 'right' reasons as I know it will be something that will stay with me forever.
Glad to see the two are you are working on this together WL! It is a long journey but one that can be so worth it in the end!!
All the best!
Jenn

[waterlily327]

Thank you again JenMac! I have found, since June, determining what to know (and why) is a balance…sometimes I still don’t know where to draw the line, but this is all a learning experience.
Today was a really good day. Rockinastorm is 1 week sober today (give him some support if you see him because he is working so hard)! We are back on track and communicating :x We are still trying to figure out how to best support each other, but today had some good strides forward in that area!

Good to know the emotional rollercoaster is normal (haha)! Each day gets easier, but there are still a lot of ups and downs.

[waterlily327]

So today was some ups, some downs, but overall a really good day!
The downs were more within myself. I know most people here aren't at this point in their lives, but I am just graduating college, just got a job, and seriously thinking about starting a family.

Lately, with graduation about a month away, couples seem to be either breaking up or getting engaged—at least one big set of news a week (extremes, huh?). I logically understand that my relationship falls into neither of those categories, but all I have ever wanted to do was start a family. Watching so many of my peers reaching that point in their lives has thrown me into an emotional whirlwind. It is silly, but I have been with my BF for 4 years now, which is much longer than several of the couples I know who have recently gotten engaged so there is a little jealousy and anxiety that maybe we won’t actually get there. (I know, silly, but still a legitimate fear that my BF doesn’t understand).

Emotionally: I want to be there! That is what I have wanted since I was little, and after meeting my BF, I know he is the guy I want that life with because we shared so many dreams and want the same things!

Logically: We aren't ready yet. It is silly to want it so badly, because he is just started his PA recovery--even if he isn't fully there, he needs to be further along than where we are right now. Plus, there is a financial concern because we are just starting our lives.

So why is it so hard to separate the two? I have tried to talk to my BF about it. I don't think he really understands where I am coming from because, even though I understand the logic, I still need to talk about the emotional side of it. He wants to get married too—it’s just that he only sees the logical side and I need to talk about the associated emotions no matter how unreasonable! Is it ever easy to separate logic and emotion? Haha…ok, so I know the answer to that one! I just wish it was easier to explain to my BF so he would understand it! At least, aside from this silly glitch, we have had a great time talking and have been able to open up to each other a lot more lately!

[waterlily327]

So, as I think I mentioned above, my BF and I are currently in a long distance relationship because of college. Since last week, he has been P and MB free. Since he is no longer doing that, and I am not around, he has pretty much gone cold-turkey. Is there more chance of a relapse this way, since he cut it out so suddenly?

I am also worried about our intimacy. Granted, with the distance, that is not a huge concern at the moment, but we still get to see each other throughout the year. I am worried that if we become intimate while visiting it will push him back on this path of recovery. We actually talked about it today, and he is not worried it will push him back, but I have that nagging fear about it. He is doing so well right now, I don’t want anything to get in the way of his progress! I am also in a tough spot because I am young still…I want to have a normal s-x life when we live together. I am also struggling with feelings of guilt when I have a need for intimacy now. I know I shouldn’t, but I get so worried that it will set him back. Is that normal? I don’t want to feel guilty about having a s-x drive or for wanting to share an intimate moment with the guy I love…

I was happy today—though our conversation dipped to some dark places, and some of the things were hard for me to hear, but there were a lot of good things too! He told me that when we are together he does not look at P, and when we are intimate, his thoughts are on me, us, what we share--NOT on P! Maybe those things seem small, but they were huge self-esteem boosters! :D