A Journey of Hope-Waterlily327's Journal

[waterlily327]

Well, to be honest, I have been avoiding posting in my journal. This week has been a rollercoaster, mostly a downhill one, and it is finally starting to look up. That being said, I didn’t want to post anything too negative, rude, or unfair just because my emotions are running high right now, so I thought it best to give myself a little time to cool off.

The past week has been a few scattered conversations here and there, not really making much progress, but at least not in panic mode after the first day or two. Rockin decided that he wanted to come visit so we could work on things face-to-face. At first, I said no, because he was frantic and I didn’t want to deal with him. I needed space. After the week passed, and he calmed down, I considered it. Then I got hit with a massive migraine (related to the stress of this, of course), and-him feeling guilty after my nauseated migraine induced phone conversation blamed him for my pain-he decided it was time to come visit, if for nothing else then to help work out some of the tight muscle in my back and help relieve the migraine.

So he drove up. The visit didn’t start well. I should point out that I am working night shifts this month, so I had slept during the day, getting in from working a 12 hour shift around 9 that morning, and sleeping until about 4 when I told him he could visit. I was out doing laundry, and left my apartment unlocked, thinking he might show up. Walking back from the laundry room, there was no one in my apartment (it is small, so you can see everything except for my bedroom from the main room). I started to clean up dinner dishes, and suddenly-after at least a minute-someone was talking to me from inside the “empty” apartment. I screamed, and turned around to see Rockin sheepishly peeking around the corner from my bedroom waving as I clutched the counter trying to breathe. I laughed, but only so I didn’t end up crying. Really, when we are barely on speaking terms, that was not a great start to the visit.

Last night in the couples chat, Rockin and I made progress. I actually laughed for the first time in a week, and Rockin and I were given a lot of advice. Jenn and HealMe brought a lot of good point up to his attention, including the idea that the next time he goes to view p*rn, he should consider calling me up and calling off the wedding instead, because it might come down to that. It really hit home for him.

We also talked a lot about setting boundaries during the chat, which was needed. I have always tried to set boundaries, but really feel like it has been unsuccessful in the past. This time, we have a typed document with all the do’s and don’t that we both need to see to move forward. Honestly, it feels a little elementary to be doing that. I don’t like feeling like our relationship needs to come down to working within the parameters of a document, but I also feel like we need it right now. My problem is, I just want him to know what the boundaries are. How can he not know what is and isn’t ok?? We have talked about it so many times…but, to be fair, this is what we need right now. It provides security on both ends, and-as much as I hate that it has come to a list of what is ok and what isn’t-it feels good to have the parameters so strongly defined.

So chat was great, and Rockin and I both got a lot out of it…and I laughed more than once…but then after something happened. We started to talk. That should have gone well, right? But no. I felt like I had heard all those things again and again and again. I was so sick of hearing the same things and not seeing anything happen. I got really upset when he told me he just wanted to give me a hug. Really? We were standing less than 10 feet apart. Wanting to do something is fine, but it doesn’t mean anything unless you actually do it. So my temper got the best of me and after trying to explain that to him in a flurry of angry words, I stormed off to my room and read my book while he sat out in the main room reading and (being a sweetheart) folding my laundry.

Right before going to bed, something broke the ice and let us start talking again. It was short and difficult conversation, but after I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for 5 minutes, I came out to find Rockin sitting on my bed. He just got up, crossed the room, and gave me a hug.

That was all I needed. I started crying more, but I needed to do that too. We didn’t go to bed, but stayed up talking. I explained to him-much more calmly this time- that I needed to see actions from him, not just hear about what he wants to of needs to do. Words are great, but he needs to live up to them. Who cares if he wants to hug me? That doesn’t mean anything. Actually hugging me made a world of difference. But it is the same with this addiction. He wants to change, and he has started too…that is the “talking” part of the analogy. Actually following through with what he says he is going to do make the big difference. That is what actually shows me progress! It is not just the number of sober days, but seeing that he is actually taking control of his life, and that he won’t let this addiction ruin everything we have.

[waterlily327]

Ok, I apologize for being so wordy tonight, but I need to get a few days of emotions off my chest, and apparently for me tonight telling it play-by-play over the past few days is the best way to do that! Lol!

Today we are doing better. We have talked a lot more, made those boundaries clear. Rockin and I went out for dinner tonight. He was supposed to leave right after, but weather was not cooperating (yay!) so he is staying another night. During dinner, I brought up some of the things he posted about here after his last slip…some of the triggering factors that had lead up to the problems. The thing was, I hadn’t known about any of them being problems until I read the post in his journal. That really irked me, because we had agreed to talk about all those things. I felt even more blindsided by the relapse after reading those triggers and not realizing that they had been a problem until he posted, especially because more than one concerned me and things I was doing/had said.

We agreed to be more open with one another, actually setting aside time in each conversation to talk about this. For a while we had done a really good job being open with each other. Lately, it has been harder, but I didn’t think things were as bad. Now, we are getting back on track and picking up the pieces again, hopefully with a better plan this time.

Rockin said he needs me to be more open about my eating disorder. Right now, I told him I can’t bring it up. Telling him about it in the first place took a lot of trust. Bring it up when the trust has been re-fractured is not easy. He was understanding, and for right now we have agreed that if he is concerned, he will ask and I will be honest with him, but that I need some time to heal from his latest relapse before I can being bringing it up in conversation. I picked up some of my “survival tools” to get me through this rough time—three more packs of Ensure (nutritional supplement drinks). Stress is my trigger too. Even if it isn’t great, at least we talked about it tonight and are on the same page. And Rockin feels better now knowing that I have the Ensure in case I have my own relapse following his.

So, we are doing better. It still feels shaky, and it will for a while, but at least we aren’t falling apart right now. Tonight’s talk at dinner helped both of us, and being on the same page is the first step in rebuilding the trust.

[waterlily327]

Today was an ok day. Rockin had to leave today, classes are starting again for him soon. Though we are in a better place, I am in a really emotional place right now. I cried when he left. I suppose that is better than the alternative, but I hate the emotional drag that goes with the distance. And with relapses.

We had a nice phone conversation tonight after he got home safe. My roommate taught myself and a friend how to drive a manual today. I have wanted to learn for a while and since I need to buy a car soon and manual transmissions are less expensive, I decided now was the right time to learn. How do people make it through this point in their lives? Student loans, rent, cars, insurance, basic living…it feels like I am drowning! But I was productive and looked into car loans today. I just hate all these loans. I feel like I am never going to get ahead, or ever break even. It is just frustrating.

Rockin has been supportive, but I still feel guarded around him. That is such an uncomfortable feeling. I shouldn’t feel like that around the one person who I should be able to count on.

At least now we are talking. I want to talk more, a lot more. But of course, we don’t have the time. I just want to spend time with him and continue to rebuild. I am going into a stretch of 4 night shifts. Since each is 12 hours, I have little time or energy when I get home, especially for deep conversations. It is frustrating that the thing I need the most right now-time with Rockin- is the thing I won’t be able to have right now.

[Disillusioned]

Hey, Sunshine. Just checking in to see how you are doing. The ups and downs of this can really drive a person crazy, I know. You are right about recovery and actions. Some of our fellows seem to talk the talk before they walk the walk, and it would seem that some of them walk before they talk... Anyway, I did read somewhere that a way to be reassured that your fellow is moving in the right direction, and that is by his actions. That means being forthright, identifying triggers, having a plan of what to do when they happen...so this doesn't go right back down the chute. I understand that stuff happens, and it is so much better when one of our PAs mess up once, but come right back to recovery, shaken, but wiser. This is so much healthier than feeling so guilty that they say I'm a loser, there's no point in even trying, I can't ever be real with my lady, etc. and continue the cycle by binging and guilt. There's hope, and that's what we all need, no matter where we are in recovery.
Don't know how much of a virtual hugger you are, but I think hugs are great therapy, so I'm sending you one today, and hoping that the sunshine (at least as you are getting off work) lifts your spirits and reminds you that the universe is still unfolding as it should.

[waterlily327]

Sorry I haven’t been posting much lately. I have been coming here reading a lot, but I just did another stretch of nights (4 shifts) then drove down to Rockin’s as a pit stop on the way home. We got in a fight, probably the worst one we have had ever. I don’t really want to get into details, but we spent a long time talking, working things out. We are doing ok, but in a fragile spot right now. I need to be able to spend time with him so we can keep working on figuring each other out, but of course, distance is not helping. I plan on stopping by his apartment on my way back to mine in a few days, but short visits don’t help much. Please keep us in your thoughts, we are in a really rough place right now.

[waterlily327]

Today was a busy day, which was good. I also know that I am going to get to see Rockin this coming Sunday. Even after our fight, I am looking forward to the visit. I am nervous because I don’t want things to deteriorate like they did before, but I am also optimistic because we have done a lot of talking.

Our fight was about me not feeling supported. After his slip 2 weeks ago thing were getting better, but I am still really fragile. I also felt like the communication we had formed immediately after the incident was already breaking down. All that, plus a horrible night at work, plus some serious, terrifying family news, brought me to my breaking point.

He wasn’t giving me what I needed to feel safe in this relationship, but this fight was my fault. I wasn’t able to cope, and I overreacted. I was so overwhelmed with everything, including the recent stress on our relationship, I was scared to move forward. I actually tried to end things with Rockin. I say tried, because obviously we are still together. In my panicked state, that seemed the only solution. Rockin talked me down and I thank God that he did.

We said a lot of things that had never been said before. We went for a drive and did a lot of talking. Most of the time, when we’re mad, we watch our words to keep things from getting worse. This time, we just let everything out. We’ve never reached that level of openness. I guess it was a now or never mentality.

That was scary, hearing everything we were thinking out loud, but I liked that uncensored level. He normally tried not to piss me off, but it was nice hearing how he really feels. Haha maybe not nice, because everything we were saying was not fun to hear, but it was important.

The end of our drive had us sobbing but smiling.

We are both shaken, but still doing a lot of talking. I think I needed to say a lot of those things I got out that night because I still feel shaken, but I feel calmer than I have in years. I didn’t realize how much baggage I had kept bottled up. How could I not be aware of that I had so much to say?

Now, I just want to be with him, I just want to see him again. We have started a good foundation and we need to keep working. Sunday can’t come fast enough…

[raining on the inside]

Hi Waterlily,

I was thinking of you the other day and wondering how you were doing, so when I saw your recent posts I was glad to see that you were feeling well enough again to share how you have been feeling.

It is very understandable that you are feeling fragile right now...relapse by our PA's can shake us to our core. I am still feeling fragile and it's been over 2 months. I am so sorry that you are going through this again. But on a positive note, it seems like you and Rockin are making great strides in your relationship. Unfortunately, in the moment, the pain, anger, sadness, confusion, etc. that comes along with fighting can feel so overwhelming. What a great thing that the two of you were able to share your thoughts and feelings on a deeper and more open level. That will only make the two of you stronger, individually and together.

I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you both to not be able to see each other regularly to be able to continue your communication and rebuilding of your relationship. There are a lot of obstacles for you right now... but yet you stand strong and continue to move forward.

I hope that your visit tomorrow goes well and that you will start to feel less fragile. I hope that Rockin was able to hear and is able to address your need for more support from him. It is important to ask for what you need, because our guys don't necessarily think the way we do and may not know what we need from them to feel supported.

My thoughts and prayers are with you both:)

[waterlily327]

Oh my TTF Family! I am so sorry that I haven't been here too much this past week. Gosh I've missed you all. On my time off from work, I spent half of it with my family (who hates if I am on the comptuer for more than an hour a day), and the other half with Rockin. Rockin and I really spent some quality time talking and working on getting us back to a stable place. That hasn't left much time for TTF, but Rockin and I are doing better. I have missed you all, but I am sure you understand that sometimes moving forward means dedicating time and energy to things outside TTF.


Rockin and I are doing better, we spent a lot of time talking and are really working hard to move forward. The hard work is already starting to pay off. He has been really supportive of me at a time when I need it: my extended family is having serious issues right now, which is throwing everyone into a difficult spot.

I work the next 4 nights, but after that, I plan on being here as usual! *hugs*

[dawn1952]

I haven't been around much lately, WL so I've missed a lot but I'm glad to hear you're doing well. I think of you often and I just wanted to send some *hugs*. Take good care.

[Disillusioned]

Hi Waterlily, Just checking in to see how things are working out. You know if things get too angry during a conversation, sometimes it's best to let it cool off a bit before you speak again. Sometimes it is anger talking in the heat of the moment, and anger isn't as diplomatic as loving, so I think that's a good rule. Once it's out and spoken, it's kind of hard to retract. It's even harder when there is so much distance. It sounds like you have worked it out and are back on track. I am expecting good things from both of you as you have already been through so much, and I sure hope Rockin can be open and transparent about his problems. I think having you as a dutiful, invested listener is going to be the best gift he has ever received, and I am happy you are moving forward again.