A Journey of Hope-Waterlily327's Journal

[waterlily327]

Hey Rosie, thanks again for posting. I really like reading what you write because it makes me take a step back and ask myself what I am really doing here. :-?
When my BF told me he had cheated on me in June, I was in denial, no question! Now, my optimism is real. I have been careful about trusting that feeling because of last summer, but I know I am not in denial because it is not blind optimism anymore. Now, it has basis on the grounds that we are working and seeing progress in our communication, intimacy, etc. He is my best friend, so that has gotten us through the darkest times.
I still have those miserable emotional waves, and there are a lot more ups and downs than I would like, but overall I have been doing well lately. I am optimistic because he wants to fix this, for himself and for us. Him suggesting we join TTF was another step forward in the healing process and having something tangible to see as forward progress is helping. As much as I want to control his PA, I have realized that I can't. That is why I am here. Honestly, I still struggle with the idea that this is not my problem to fix, I have realized that I need to take care of myself and support him--not fix this because I can't fix anything unless he wants it to change! I am still struggling with my personal problems but I have a great support system and I am making sure that I take care of myself. TTF is helping me do that. I have a bad habit of ignoring my feelings, and here I can rant as much as I want and not worry. Everyone has been supportive, and for that I thank you all! >:D<
As for censorship, I know I still try to do that. To everyone outside, my BF and I are the “perfect couple”…I have NEVER tried to pull the wool over anyone’s eyes and let them know that we have problems like everyone else, but they still don’t get it, so I know I watch what I say around them. By writing everyday here I am learning to take down that wall I have built of constantly watching my words.

So censorship aside: My conversation didn't end well tonight with my BF, I am tired, we both have work, but it is ok. It was not bad, we just didn't see eye-to-eye and one "off" conversation is not going to ruin the progress I have made emotionally. I feel like a stronger person...so I have those negative feelings of worthlessness etc. sometimes, but they are fleeting now. I have discovered I am a strong woman, willing to stand up for myself. It is REALLY hard. But it is ok. So I am going to bed with those thoughs & hope that tomorrow's conversation will be better!

[Rockinastorm]

I have so many reasons to thank you:
For sticking with me,
for joining this site,
for not giving up hope...

I can see that this site has already been really helpful for you in letting you ease a burden that you would otherwise carry yourself. Thank you for joining with me, and thank you to Rosie and Jenmac and others who have commented here and supported Waterlily!
It has taken me a whole night to get back on here. And while I am exhausted I am happy. I am happy about this journal dynamic. I think it will bring us much closer. I like getting the first-person perspective of whats going on inside of you. I hope that will allow me to be more helpful and receptive to your feelings in the future.

I have so much more I want to say right now but I need to get to bed. I am sorry we had a rough end to the evening. I still have lots of improvement to do on the communication front. Especially how I deal with it when you are down. I am not as good as that as I should be.

I am so happy I came back here and started posting. I feel great right now, and I think I saved someone. I dont know if theres a better feeling than that. Lets talk later! I am looking forward to trying to make more progress!

I love you!

[waterlily327]

Rockinastorm-thank you for reading my journal. I wasn’t sure how I would feel about it, but I am really glad that you did. And thank you for your blunt honesty in your journal. I was sobbing, even though I have heard it all before. I am glad you are here, doing this for you!
This morning I woke up with that feeling of “why me?” I was—to be entirely blunt—wallowing in self-pity. I really dislike when people do that, so I am a bit ashamed to admit it but Rosie was right—no more censuring myself here! It was all “why am I in this situations? What did I do to deserve this? Etc.” Pathetic, really! My Mom always used to say “If God leads you to it, He will lead you through it” and that is the way I am choosing to look at this now. I am here because I love the man I am with and want him to get over the demons of his past, I am here because I want to help him in any way possible, but I am also here for me. I am here because I need some support, and it is OK to ask for help! :)
Rockinastorm posted a very long few journal entries last night. Reading those and looking into myself on more than a surface level snapped me out of my self-pity mode this morning. I am in a good spot emotionally, and I am ready to face this busy day! Hopefully I can write some more later.

[JenMac]

Hi WL!
I admire your ability to really think about how you are feeling.
Certainly you should never discount your own feelings! That is not a good thing for you to ever do!!
However, I also admire your positive, optimistic attitude! That will be so helpful to you through all of this. I found that when I was really feeling down, I could deal with all of that but then be able to pull myself up, just by using the power of positive thinking. That and gratitude! Huge WL, huge!!
Use what works for you WL! You will find your way! Ups and downs are a natural part of all of this. I was warned early on by one of the wise women here, not to get stuck in the bitterness. I don't see that happening for you with the way you approach things! Just be aware of that and be sure to go easy on yourself through this!
Take care!
Jenn

[waterlily327]

Thanks Jenn. I was bitter when I first found out about the cheating, the P use, etc. It was really hard, and my mood swings were almost impossible to deal with. I would bottle everything up until I couldn’t take it anymore. That would end in yelling and crying (for both of us), and nothing good would come out of it. By the end of summer break I had realized that would never work—hence our open communication policy now. Like you, positive thinking has been the best tool for me! That, and the ability to recognize my feelings without dwelling on them. I can recognize them for what they are and move past them most of the time now…as silly as it may sound, the ability to laugh at myself and not take myself so seriously has helped me tremendously (not discrediting my feelings, just dealing with them in a constructive manner).

Good talk with Rockinastorm tonight. I get to see him at the end of this week!!! I have noticed that I get jealous of other girls very easily now that his PA has come to light…even the mention of girls who are in his classes makes me cringe sometimes. Earlier I was having a tough time with that. I know part of that is the distance because there needs to be a certain level of trust, and that was severely damaged this summer. It has been built back up slowly and, while it is nowhere near back to where it should be, it is enough to make the distance bearable (not easy, but bearable). I wish I could turn off those jealous feelings, especially when I know he is working hard to get past this. They are the worst when they just seem to pop out of nowhere. Aside from those little twinges of jealousy, things are going well today.

[rosie]

This morning I woke up with that feeling of “why me?” I was—to be entirely blunt—wallowing in self-pity.

LOL.. I love this about you already waterlily. You are so honest with yourself, and this is so refreshing!

I really dislike when people do that, so I am a bit ashamed to admit it but Rosie was right—no more censuring myself here! It was all “why am I in this situations? What did I do to deserve this? Etc.” Pathetic, really!

I think it's normal to question why we are in this situation, I have done it a million times too, but yes, there is a point where you can start wallowing and feeling like a victim. We are in a way - victimised by the PA's - because it is such a secretive life that we have no way of knowing about really, but once the truth IS Known I believe it is our responsibility to make decisions and stop blaming them for everything (nearly impossible for me to do, but working on it :( ).

Please don't call yourself pathetic. You are not in any way pathetic, and I am offended on behalf of your inner-self that you are calling yourself names. Oh, and you are clearly FAR from stupid - so please, no more self put-downs :P

My Mom always used to say “If God leads you to it, He will lead you through it” and that is the way I am choosing to look at this now. I am here because I love the man I am with and want him to get over the demons of his past, I am here because I want to help him in any way possible, but I am also here for me. I am here because I need some support, and it is OK to ask for help!

Wow. You are so wise. My counsellor told me only recently that many people perceive asking for help as weakness - but in actuality, it is a sign of self-love and strength to put yourself out there and be vulnerable, to need - to ask for support. And you DESERVE IT.

Rock you seem very sweet. You are lucky to have this great woman in your life and I hope you both work through this together.

[waterlily327]

Tired today, and that makes it way too easy to blow the little things out of proportion. Little frustrated at this whole process today and wishing there was a quick fix! (Don’t we all?) Also, realizing that a “quick fix” would not last and would only set us back *sigh* oh well.

Today I told Rockinastorm that I didn’t want to hear him say “sorry” anymore. He was apologizing for something unrelated to P, but something that gets under my skin. I wasn’t mad at this point (I was before, I have a wicked temper sometimes…oops!), I was just discouraged.
I don’t want him to keep telling me he is sorry for something that has happened over and over again, and for something that will continue to happen! “Sorry” does not mean anything if nothing ever changes.
Though today wasn’t about P, we have been in this same spot regarding P before. Maybe it is just me, but it actually makes me angry when someone keeps telling me that they are “sorry” if things never change, because then it becomes an empty word, a band-aid that you keep putting over an open wound.
I know it made him sad to hear this. I do feel a little bad about that, because I know he means well. He just wants to make me feel better. I want him to understand that the word “sorry” means little-to-nothing for me right now because it was said so many times without anything changing. *sigh*

Today has not been a bad day, or a good day…I guess it has been neutral. Most of all, I miss him. The distance is really getting to me today. I miss the small things, like being able to hold his hand, hug, actually look into his eyes when we talk, etc. I have also been thinking a lot about this upcoming year. We live in the same town but go to school a few hours apart, so we used to have summers and winters together…with my job offer, I need to relocate so now we will be in a permanent long-distance relationship until we get married…needless to say, I am not looking forward to that and those thoughts have been dragging me down today (and are another reason I just want a “quick fix” even though I know that is entirely unrealistic). I am just glad we are both on TTF because that is visible progress.

Sometimes, the little things get under my skin. Today it’s the details getting to me. Tomorrow will be a better day because I will be more rested and my temper won’t be as up-in-arms! Plus—love always finds a way to make things work out! (Yes, I am a sappy romantic, and I love every minute of it! :P)

[BelieveInHope]

Hi Waterlily,
I hear you on the jealousy. I never used to be jealous. I never wanted to be THAT girl, the clingy, insecure one. But now I have those twinges when I know my H will be around pretty females. At his counselor's office, the girl there is a pretty brunette and he has to avert his eyes from her. And it seriously makes me die inside every time I have to hear it. Keep your chin up. A long distance relationship would be hard in any situation. Can he come visit you during summers and school breaks?

[rosie]

Yes, jealousy. My husband works in the city and well, there is no shortage of beautiful women in beautiful tailored suits and sexy librarian glasses. Sometimes I think about it, but I try not to now.

I realised that I was objectifying women when I was jealous of them. I was looking at their outside appearance as a threat to me, and forgetting that they are complex people with a whole host of traits as well as dysfunction and flaws - aren't we all? I was then comparing them to how I look, and sometimes I don't look all that great. But, how shallow of me? I was doing what I accused my husband of doing.

You are a unique, lovable, whole woman who is valuable outside of how you look or what you wear... By being jealous of others you are ripping yourself off. Focus on you.. because you are perfect, whole, and entirely lovable for the person you are...

[waterlily327]

BelieveInHope--Exactly, I never want to be that “jealous” girlfriend. I was really laid-back at the beginning of our relationship. In high school, since he transferred in our senior year and didn’t know many people, he mostly hung out with my friend and the majority of them were girls. I had no problem with that. That summer after graduation from high school, he even went down to visit his ex-GF (who is gorgeous and he idolized her). I wasn’t terribly fond of the idea, but I was actually ok with it! There were the little things that would get to me as the years went on and the distance became harder to deal with, but I was not jealous and, even if I had those feelings, I trusted him so I would not let them overwhelm my thoughts. Now there are days when it is hard to look past the anxiety of the situation we are now in…The distance magnifies the anxiety and makes this so much harder. We are lucky enough to get visits, but the gaps without seeing each other as still too long because it is always a few weeks between visits.

Rosie--I don’t feel like I am objectifying other women through my jealousy. Perhaps jealousy is not the proper term…the feelings are not always based on their looks, the way they dress, etc. I don’t even know what it is based on! It is anxiety, knowing that I am far away and that he is surrounded by women. I don’t care if they are beautiful or not, it is just the uncertainty of how he will react to them that gets to me. Thank you for the kind words at the end of your post. At the end of last summer I took some more time doing things that made me feel good…silly as it sounds, but I feel so confident when I have my hair curled because it is a small change that makes me feel beautiful! So, every day I didn’t work, I took the time to curl my hair because it made me feel better! It was something I never took the time to do before this year, but in a strange way, his actions made me realize I was worth something. Sure, there are still days when I struggle with the feelings worthlessness etc. that most other SO’s do, but I have also realized that I am strong enough to go through this for the person I love…no, not for him, with him. We are in this together.

I didn’t manage to get enough sleep last night so I was tired again today, but it was ok. Rock was really there for me tonight when I needed to talk. Today, one of my friends was talking about how her BF just left her for anothe girl after they picked out an engagement ring together, and how another of our friends BFs was cheating on her with her "best friend". Those thoughts triggered everything Rock & I went through this summer. We talked a lot about different things, but he was there for me again when I needed him, even through that tough subject. Small steps forward. :)