My Journal, I suppose

[SoSick]

Well, I am not really sure how to go about this. I don't want to divulge too much information about my situation as personally I am very private. I guess I will just talk about how I am feeling and how I got to where I am [Here]

I never used to think P was bad, but that changed a few years back. I don't know what or how or why, but something clicked one day that it just wasn't right any more. I did my research and everything just confirmed what I suspected was wrong. I am mainly anti-P because I hate the industry and its abusive/exploitive nature, but I am starting to hate it for all sorts of reasons now.

I expressed my feelings to my H, who I knew used P [We would view it together as well back then] he agreed with me and decided to quit. For a while I was in a bad place, worrying about it. I came to believe some crazy things that took a long time to cool down and control. I was worried he wouldn't succeed, and he was honest about the struggle but said everything was getting better and once we were married and together it would all go away. I was foolish and believed him, even though I told him this is more than likely an addiction that marriage won't fix, but he brushed it all off.

A few months into our marriage and everything was great. But come the start of this year, he said he was still struggling and needed it. It broke my heart, he admitted he was wrong and sorry for not believing me, but I still feel so let down and hurt and angry at him for making a promise he couldn't keep.

Ever since that day things have been terrible. He's used it far too much and we've fought so much and I've cried so hard and feel depressed, worried and anxious everyday. First he did things my way, but failed to even try at that, constantly sneaking behind my back to get some. Eventually, he demanded I remove the filter on his PC and wouldn't leave me alone until I did and keeps a USB locked away. He barely even tried my way though he said he was sick of hurting me and his method was just 'avoid relapse avoid relapse'. He said this, and yet then claims it's nothing to do with me!!!!

This past week has been painful, and the catalyst for why I am here. Last week he pulled out the USB stick and yes, I am sorry for it, but I flipped and started screaming at him, all my anger just came out. He shouted back. I said some spiteful things, and he deliberately looked up live P [The USB was all drawings] just to hurt me. I got so mad I got rid of all the pics I made of myself for him, and when he found out, he did it again.

He hasn't apologised and believes I deserve it. I am just so angry. If it's nothing to do with me, why spite me with it? Why say I can hurt and be upset and yet tell me to basically just push off and leave him alone? I don't know what to do. I feel helpless and I can't trust him. He's doomed to fail, I don't believe he really cares regardless of what he says to me about wanting to quit.

He's a failure in my eyes already, he's a stubborn and stupid fool who thinks I don't know what I am talking about. He refuses to talk about it and won't accept any help from me because 'I make things worse' he won't even look at the sites I email him [Including this one] I feel like I am going to be stuck with a P user forever, who'll never have the patience to wait for me or accept that it's not just about him any more. I don't believe he's guilty at all, I feel like his faith in God is dying and that he doesn't really respect my feelings or how his actions make me feel.

I'm just really lost right now.

[JenMac]

HI SS!
I am so sorry you are hurting! Such a sad, sad thing this addiction is, and that it causes so much pain and trauma in our lives. It is sucha a tragedy!
SS, all I can tell you is that you need to look out for yourself! I know, easier said than done, but necessary just the same!
As you care for yourself, try to determine and set your boundaries. Decide what you can live with and what you cannot. Write a letter to your H, is you haven't already. The written word is powerful! Speak up for what you require and need during this time! If he is not open to listening then journal it for yourself. Set your plan as to how you intend to proceed.
Now I know you won't do this all at once, but having a plan of action is important SS. What do you need to feel safe and respected in your relationship? What is it that you require?
We are all different but we all have needs that need to be filled.
I am sorry you are in this place SS but I am glad that you are here with us! At least that feeling of being so alone is being addressed for you!
Thinking of you SS and sending you huge hugs!!
Jenn

[SoSick]

Thank you Jenmac. I did write a letter and email to him but I dont know if he's read yet.

We haven't spoken at all for a few days. I caught him out again, he just won't listen to me, look at me or talk. He won't get help. He's in denial. I'm going crazy. I told him I hated him. I regret this marriage so much. He's done nothing but lie and sneak about this and even continued to use it while I was not talking.

I feel empty and alone. I don't think he really sees me at all or listens to me or even cares. I'm in a bad place now and I feel like just shutting down and refusing to talk to him. The sight of him is making me sick. I can't set boundaries, I can't tell him what I need or require, he just won't listen.