Bel's Journal

[Mrs Black]

SO this is my first journal entry, the first of many I feel.

Where do i begin?......

I guess that I never really thought about porn when I was younger - of course there were the magazines under my moms and step-dad's bed as i was growing up that I may have had a look at out of curiosity - but apart from that, I never thought about it much. Now that I think back, though, I always thought of my step-dad as disgusting, so maybe that's where i get the deep-seated thought from?

Anyways, cut a REALLY long story short. Married someone - he cheated on me and i devorced him. Took my kids away to a new town, new start and all that. Took a lot of strength and courage to start over in a new place, but i did it. Dated a loser for about 6 months (he was younger than me and i knew i was only going out with him because it wasnt going anywhere!). Decided that I was better off without anyone and so we parted ways.

I was quite happy with my life - not looking for anything commitement-wise when I met this guy who was perfect. Treated me like a princess and the kids like they were his own - understood that their dad had to be in contact and in my life because of that - the works..... so i married him.

Perfect, perfect, perfect......until i caught him using porn - fully - while the kids were upstairs. I was so shocked - i was physically sick. He was upset too - saying he didnt know why he did it, he was sorry, it was the first time......yadda, yadda, yadda.... I forgave him.

Forgave him......... then caught him again...... see above for a pattern thats been going on for 6 years. Once I actually said that if he did it again i would leave him.........but he did it again and again and I didnt...... (if i was one of my girlfriends, i'd have been digusted and asked her if she had any self respect!)

Anyway - so i havent left him - but why? each time he promises me i hope that my belief in him will make it happen - no.

Each time he does it a part of me dies - yes, a part of me. Its even gotten bigger than the actuall using porn now!! it's more, for me, about how he can lie to me, straight out.....how he can do something that hurts me to the very centre of who i am - how he can stand to see me so devastated and still think 'oh i'll just go use again'!! It's also about if he can lie to me about this, he can lie to me about anything - everything? maybe..... but still i havent left him....

A big part of me hates myself for staying with him and allowing him to carry on hurting me like this......i just guess i havent given up on him yet - but how long will that go on for? i dont know. Man, i am so screwed up with all this.

i am going to leave this here i think that i need to write a little about what i'm feeling every day and this is the start of the journal so i wanted to have the background right at the start to chart my (hopefull) progress.....

Angel blessings

[SoSick]

I really hope everything works out for you. It hasn't been going on so long in my marriage, but I relate to your thoughts over why he'd continue to do it knowing full well how much it hurts. I understand it's an addiction, but it hurts all the same.

Wishing you the best for yourself, your kids and your marriage!

[Mrs Black]

I'm in a dilemma. There's a conflict going on in my head and I can't see the wood for the trees.

I can't work out if my husbands addiction is his problem or mine. He's not a 'heavy' user by any means (having seen some of the other SO's/PA's posts) - but I can't reconcile even a little use...

I mean, isn't it 'normal' for people who are so inclined to use porn (when their not in a relationship i mean)? And don't some couple use porn together? In fact, I even was open with my husband and said just dont hide it from me - just dont lie to me - we can try use it together (i'm not sure that I would enjoy it, but anything to stop him lying to me and being decietful). but he still does it and then when i ask (i just know in my heart when he's 'used') he lies and lies and then i keep at him and he finally admits it.

So whose problem is it that he uses porn? Mine - because of my low self esteem and confidence, I feel threatened by the fact that he looks at other women in a sexual way.

If I wasn't so upset by it, i am sure he wouldnt even consider he had a problem.....

The trouble is that it hurts me so much and each time it happens I feel myself distance myself from him emotionally, physically and definitely sexually........it takes months for me to work through each instant in my mind and then just as i start to feel i can bare to have a physical relationship with him again - just after that seems to be when he uses again..... it makes me feel like he waits till i 'forgive' him then does it again because he knows that it will be 'allright in the end'.....and leaves me feeling like i've been made a fool of again......

I know that if it keeps on one day i will just snap and walk out with the children - not even necessarily because he uses porn, but because he lies and lies and decieves me and knowingly keeps on hurting me......

catch 22? i think so...

Angel blessings.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

Mrs. Black,

His P use is his problem. I know its not a popular belief, but the marriage vows say "forsaking all others". This means P too. I say that people have individual rights, free speech, etc, but when two become one in a marriage, then people modify their behavior in order to show love and consideration. I suppose you could modify yor behavior and let him use P all he wants and not care... but is that a marriage? I don't think so.

I told my husband initially to just not lie to me. Let me know if he wants P and we can look together. Or even, to my shame, he can use P, then come to me and wecan have sx. I should have phrased it, he can use P and then he can use me, which would have been more apt. But, P was his thing, about him, and for him. Although I left the door wide open, his preference was P, not me and he lied and used, just like your husbband. Because P is not about sx. It is about so many things, but not sx with you.

Men like P. Got it. Women like emotional connections. So, going with the P theory, men like P, they should do P, you should shut up because its a biological urge. Then, does it stand to reason that women can and should do the same thing, just with an emotional connection? Should we go out and flirt and do everything with a guy, in real life or online, but just not have sx? Should we find someone to compliment us and make us feel loved and wonderful and beautiful and even turned on a bit, but is ok if we just don't touch? We like it, so why shouldn't we do it? I am pretty sure this would not be ok with your husband. And as a society, we call this an emotional affair, which most people say is wrong and often leads to a physical affair and divorce. So, men like visual, and our culture says go for it. Women like emotional, and our culture says go home for it. Does this add up at all?

Back to the marriage vows. There are a few of them, and the one that says foresaking all others is pretty much the deal breaker. It is the first one broken usually, on this site anyway, and it is the worst.

Don't let your husband make this your problem. If it was drugs, drink, gambling.... and he lied and devestated you all the time, it would not be right. Why does putting P as the reason for his hurtfol behavior absolve him? You marriage is not supposed to be a picture of popular culture. You two define what your marriage is, and P is making him not live up to the definition.

Many people suggest writing a letter. If you haven't done it, it can help. Detail how the P use makes you feel and write down how it takes away from your marriage. Maybe you are one of the exceptions, but in many situations, mine in particular, P meant we didn't have sx unless I initiated it, he had erectile dysfunction, etc. P doesn't usually create more sx. It becomes sx.

Anyway, this is long and I am sorry for the book. I just hate it when I see anyone try to take on the blame for the problems P cause in a relationship. Just ask yourself, if you try to stop caring that he uses P because our culture deems it "normal" how much longer until you just stop caring, period? Is that what your husband wants?

Hugs to you and I pray you and your husband seek and find healing.

[Mrs Black]

I do know what you mean - you are so right in all you say. When I say that his addiction is my problem, i mean that if i don't like it i should just leave right? I have the choice to walk away. He lets me down time and time again, but i stay - that's MY problem - i dont walk away (well, havent yet...).....

That's what i mean by the conflict - it's his addiction, therefore his problem - but I havent taken myself out of this loop (for whatever reason)....that is my problem...

Angel blessings.

[waterlily327]

I mean, isn't it 'normal' for people who are so inclined to use porn (when their not in a relationship i mean)? And don't some couple use porn together? In fact, I even was open with my husband and said just dont hide it from me - just dont lie to me - we can try use it together (i'm not sure that I would enjoy it, but anything to stop him lying to me and being decietful). but he still does it and then when i ask (i just know in my heart when he's 'used') he lies and lies and then i keep at him and he finally admits it.

So whose problem is it that he uses porn? Mine - because of my low self esteem and confidence, I feel threatened by the fact that he looks at other women in a sexual way.

If I wasn't so upset by it, i am sure he wouldnt even consider he had a problem.....

It is almost scary how much your post hits home. This is exactly how I feel...like it’s my problem. After all, my BF used for years without feeling guilty until he realized how upset it made me. That second part I highlighted could have been my words...that feeling hits so close to home...

But here is how I am looking at it: It is his problem because now P has started to negatively impact his life...it is an "addiction" because he knows it has negative consequences, and yet he cannot stop. However, it is also our problem because it negatively impacts our relationship, is really damaging to my self esteem, etc. So we are here together. He found this site for us, and we are working together to overcome his PA because I need the emotional support and he has realized he cannot fight this alone. Best of luck Mrs Black >:D<

[BelieveInHope]

WONLM sums it up pretty perfectly. It it was really 'not a big deal', then he would be willing to stop in a heartbeat just because it hurt you.
Pornography Addiction Love Addiction and Sexual Addiction Recovery is an excellent resource. There are free programs to work towards recovery for your H and healing for you, as well as general information so that you know exactly what you are dealing with, since there is so little information in popular culture.
I was one of the ones who sadly sometimes looked at P with my H, thinking it would spice things up. Yeah right. when they choose pixels over a real live woman, you know P is not about sx or making sx better, but is actually an insidious poison that destroys real sx, real intimacy, and real love.
It is NOT about you. It is NOT your problem because you don't like it. You know this is destroying your marriage and you have every right to live a P free life.
Arm yourself with knowledge. You are in a battle for your H's heart and soul, your marriage, and your family.
You will find lots of support here. Welcome.

[rosie]

Hi and welcome :) Sorry you are too going through this, though...

Your story is very similar to mine. 2 kids, affairs, left, moved to new town, met a "perfect" guy in my husband, until I discovered his hidden life of PA/SA - only difference is that I have been on this hell-ride for 10 years, not 6. I am right there with you Mrs Black! >:D<

I see from your first post to your second - that you went from feeling solid about your feelings about porn and how much it hurts you, to feeling like maybe YOU were the problem. This is quite natural for SO's, we try to rationalise why they do this and its easier to accept that we are flawed (if we have low self esteems) and not look at the real source of the problem.

It's also normal to minimize his usage compared to others - but I can pretty much guarantee you that he uses it a lot more than you know :(

To me, PA/SA is the same as infidelity. While most men justify p usage, that doesn't mean it's our problem if we don't like it. It just means its a social problem. Socially, we have been conditioned to accept any manner of behaviour from these men and chalk it up to "mens business" - "its what men do". You know what Mrs black? No, they don't. Men were not born with porn attached to their limbs. It is not a natural-man thing at all. Men choose this, and they do so because they have been told they can get away with it - society will back them up.

For you and me though, and all us SO's, it is OUR choice what we live with and it's OUR CHOICE not have this degrading smut in our lives. Nobody has a right to inflict a standard of living on us that we despise, and marriage is not blank cheque to do whatever you like.

You are not the problem here, Mrs Black - your partner has the problem and you have every right to have a big problem with his problem. You have a right to define how you wish to be treated, and YOU have a right in what happens within your sexual union - nobody has a right to take that right away from you.

Take care,

[Mrs Black]

I've been feeling really down this past couple of days - since i joined the site actually.....i look inside myself and i know that the reason for this is that i am not just pretending everything is ok (until the next 'incident') - I am making myself come on here and do a journal and read other journals and discussions and it brings it all up in my face again.

Reading the replies to my last journal post has made me cry - as i write this. Not just because I feel less alone, but because i now know that i am not going mad. I am not 'just a prude' (my words). "Why can't you just forgive and forget?" my husbands mother once told me when i got a mobile phone bill in for over $300 for his P..... Made me feel like I was a b*tch.

I havent been able to open up properly before on here - but now the tears are flowing and the words are coming and I need to let out all of the feelings, upset, anger and betrayal.

I am a strong. independent woman. I used to work on Wall Street for goodness sake. I uprooted my entire family to move away from one no-good husband who abused our marriage vows and settled anew in a town where i knew no-one. Body, mind, spirit STRONG. NO-ONE will ever hurt me this way again......

Enter H...... Let me assure that this man shows me he loves me in ways i didn't think possible. He helps around the house to the point of him doing more than me - he watches the kids so I can go visit my sister - he tells me every dayhow beautiful and desireable i am - he will not leave me even for a minute without telling me he loves me - he wants to support me in a career change for me to achieve my dream of becoming an attorney - he constantly amkes sure thatI'm ok and that there's nothing he can do for me. Perfect. That's why I can't understand why the P is more important to him than me....and at the end of the day that's what it is, isn't it? I will leave you if it happens again. 'I never want to lose you - I will beat this' - you've been using again haven't you? - 'no, i swear' yadda yadda no no no you've got it wrong yadda yadda - 'yes i have, i am so sorry it wont happen again, please dont leave me' WHAT?????

His using make me feel dirty, undesireable (you can tell me and tell me different, but you look at P - not me...), sick....so sick, ashamed, embarrassed, distant (don't come near me, don't touch me) and each time it happens a little piece of my love for him dies. Each time he disrespects me and our marriage, i shut a little more of myself off from him.....

Why haven't i left? Honestly, I have no idea. Maybe because every aspect of our lives together is perfect apart from this....maybe i haven't the strength to uproot all my kids again...maybe each time i hope and pray that he will be truthful and stop lying and deceiving and hurting....maybe i am just beat..... =((

i know in my heart that it is destroying our marriage. intimacy is such a problem for me now. he is getting help and he has joined a site like this one (maybe even this one).

I think that what i struggle with most is the fact that I haven't left him, despite telling him that i would if it happened again. It makes me feel weak and enabling - strong for staying? no - i don't buy that. All i know is that one day he'll use and i will leave and wont look back. I really do pray to God that he gets this beat before i reach that stage......

Angel blessings.

[rosie]

Yep, my husband was exactly how you describe, and guess what, he even told me he would support me to follow my dream of studying law ;) Your story keeps freaking me out :-"

See how you went from expressing your feelings of hurt to blaming yourself again for not leaving? Yes this is pretty normal for us SO's, however, it's not good.

You have been through a trauma. No doubt, it has hit at those old trauma wounds. The guy you love has shattered your version of reality with him - he has been living a double life. You have kids who have the pain of one dad leaving, you probably dont want to inflict that on them again - I know how it feels, I know, I know, I know!!!!!!! We all know.

YOU ARE NOT WEAK for not leaving. You have been blind-sided. The reality you thought you existed does NOT - do you know, Mrs Black, that there is little more destabalising to a person than realizing that their reality was wrong? That is actually crazy-making.

Please dont beat yourself up. You havent left because you are a kind, hopeful, loving person - you hope and wish and pray it is going to change. Your lack of leaving is NO reflection of your strength of character... none, at all... if anything, it highlights that even with so much hurt, you look at people with hope - there is nothing shameful about this.