Be Strong For Me, I'll Be Strong For You

[Amanda424]

I try so hard to continue thinking positively, but I'm struggling. I worry that if I show too much doubt in my H's recovery he will notice and think I don't believe in him and then relapse. I do believe in him, but it's difficult because the last year or so I have been told lie after lie after lie. He made false promises and gave me false hope. I don't want to be let down now. I don't think I can handle that again. The last time I found the P sites he was looking at (about a month ago) was when I really started to believe he had an addiction, everytime before that I must have been in denial because nearly ALL of the signs were there. Although, I just recently discovered what all of those signs are, it's just upsetting to know that he has had this addiction since he was 9-10 years old and I never once picked up on it (I have known him since he was 15, he is now 23). I never had a problem with him looking at P, but he crossed many many many lines. "Normal P" just wasn't cutting it anymore, I suppose, he craved more. When I found this, it tore me apart. We were really struggling in our marriage at the time and he was choosing those women over me. Why? Why wasn't I good enough? Even though he had this addiction way before I came along, why wasn't I enough for him to just stop? I have always had severe self-esteem issues and this addiction has intensified that. When I was growing up I can't even begin to tell you how many times I heard, "You're a worthless piece of sh*t" from my stepfather. All I wanted was to be accepted by him, and I feel like I'm getting back into the mindset but with my H.

I have installed a filter on our computer (k9) so that gives me some peace of mind, but I worry he will be tempted by the internet on his cell phone. He has used it before and I worry it will happen again. Tonight, I asked him if he would consider cancelling the internet on his cell. He told me no, because he uses the internet for many different things (games, apps, facebook, music... etc.) and he says that he is very serious about quitting P this time. A HUGE part of me believes him because it feels different this time. I have seen him take so many steps in trying to beat it this time. Maybe because now, we actually recognize it for what it really is, an addicition. He was actually the one who found this site, he was perfectly fine with me installing the filter on our computer and he bought a guitar a few days ago to start a new hobby. I'm very proud of the progress he has made, but at the same time I am terrified that this won't last. I feel horrible about feeling this way because I need to be strong for him. We need to be strong for each other. So why am I having so many doubts? I'm going to have good and bad days, maybe this is just a bad day.

[Amanda424]

I don't know what I would do without music. It has helped me through so many hard times. I'm currently listening to: The Shake by My American Heart. Amazing song.

[JenMac]

HI Amanda!
Yes there will be good days and bad days! Times of doubt and worry and times when we really want to believe in them.
For us Amanda, the onus was on Mac to show me his seriousness to recovery. I left it up to him. I spoke my piece, I stated my needs and I left it to him to show me by his actions that he intended to do everything within his power to recover. Not without input from me, mind you, but it was he who had to set it up.
He put the filters on, he contacted the counsellor for himself, he made himself busy with other things.
I did help to guide him through this. And no, all of those things did not happen immediately. It took time, it is a process.
What I did, is to set my boundaries, decide what I was willing/unwilling to live with, speak up for my needs and expectations.
I also worked very hard to not take this on as my problem, my flaws. So easy to go there Amanda, so easy to compare myself and to come up lacking! But I forced myself to not do that. I pushed it away!
Your H has taken some positive steps! What is important is that he continue on this path and to take further steps to ensure his committment. Not everything will happen at once but you need to see steady and continuing progress by his actions. His recovery should be all important to him and he should ensure that he is working to foster that recovery in everything he is doing.
I know for us, Mac did not know then what he now knows. It was a process and I did indeed guide some of the learning that needed to happen, just by introducing information I had found. What I did see from the beginning was Mac's willingness to show his committment and desire for recovery. I needed to see that for my own feelings of safety and respect.
I am glad you are here Amanda! Lots of learning can take place here for both of you!
Hugs to you!
Jenn