Down and Out

[jay38112]

Hey all hope you are all well! OMG I am so low at the moment, its making me ill! I am so tired and unwell, that I have to force myself to get up in the morning! I am more confused than ever. I am angry at myself, for the life of me I dont understand why I am still here. Yes I love my P, but seriously he is everything I have despised in my life. I am living in a world that is and never has been ME, its uncomfortable, dirty, disgusting, unfair, frightening, stressfull and unhappy. But I am still here! Since our joint therapy, things have just gone down hill, I feel like he is really trying, although the funny thing is that he shows no remorse, no concern, no nothing. I did confront him about the fact that perhaps we need to seek out another therapist who may be better qualified and the result of that was an argument and he refuses to see anyone else and I cant help feeling like its because he feels like she is telling him things that make him feel like there is nothing wrong.. And its all my problem.. See thats not a good thing for someone who likes to be the big man in control of everything so that just makes me the poor little girl who is disturbed because I have issues.. I just dont know what to do, I want to leave but I have no where to go, I thought of going to a womens refuge, but hold on I am not beaten or abused, so how would I explain my position and if I did how would they recieve it, I mean there are women out there who are truly in danger I know cause I have been one of those women in my life but here I am not in danger, I am not abused, I am not treated badly in fact I am treated well to a certain extent. I feel like they would percieve that I am just unhappy in my relationship and just want to run away from it.. So of course they wont give someone who is not in danger a place to stay over somone who could be in true physical danger.. Its amazing that this addiction affects so many aspects of ones life, I mean it takes over and every day living becomes non important anymore, I mean when I met my P his house was like one of those houses you see on tv you know "The most dirties houses", I mean I was shocked not only was it falling down around him structually but dirty, so dirty that he had been living in a room in the garage, cause upstairs was just unimaginable. Wall to Wall porn, smoke butts in the carpet, walls covered in mould, chicken bones on the floors, every pot pan plate and cup covered with mouldy food everywhere, bathroom black with mould and fungas. Wall paper hanging off the walls, it was truly shocking, and I felt sorry for him cause I knew that he was alone for 15yrs before he met me, so I attempted to clean it, although he has a hoarding prob so every time I tried to throw something out all hell broke loose. Even his parents and sister gave up years ago as they would come around and try and clean it for him. Since I have been with him it has become semi livable, I keep clean the areas that I am aloud too that doesnt cause any conflict, but its so uncomfortable, and then there is the problem that he is the laziest person I have ever met in my life, and basically when brought up at the therapy, she in plain words said that he doesnt have a problem, but as I dont like it what could he do to start changing it. We both work but I am the slave in this house, I mean he will be home all day, and I get back from work and he has not moved off the couch still watching dvd's he cant even wash a couple of dishes.. He doesnt even take care of himself, I have to tell him to take a shower, and brush his teeth. I mean most of his teeth have rotted out of his head already and he wants to know why I dont want to kiss him?? This is just not me I have always taken pride in my home, and in myself, I am a clean person tell me is there truly something wrong with that.. I thought that it was just natural to want to look, smell, and be clean. And to have a tidy home so that you dont have to be worried if somone comes over what they are going to think cause your living in a dump.. I just dont know what to do, all I know is that I feel like I am really coming to the point of "there truly is no hope" and that I have been pushed to the point that I just dont care anymore... Its hard when you love someone so much that you can overlook certain things due to the way you feel about them but you know in your heart that certain things you cant overlook are wrong and no matter what you do you realise that you are hitting your head up against a brick wall until you hit your head that bloody hard you are left walking aroung in a daze, with nothing in your mind, heart and soul.

[JenMac]

Hi Jay!
You are in a tough place. You say you love your partner but can see that his way of living is in conflict, serious conflict, with what is healthy for you.
Yet you feel like you are stuck.
Jay, you need to do for yourself. You need to do what is required to build your strength and self esteem.
You may love your H but living the life you are living is sucking the life out of you. You are falling further into despair as you go forward.
You have decisions to make and they may be tough ones but they are necessary.
I am sorry you find yourself in this place!
Look out for yourself Jay! Do what is necessary for you to begin to feel better in your life, whatever that means to you. Noone can tell you which direction you need to go but we are here praying for you regardless.
Hugs to you!!
Jenn

[rosie]

Hi Jay, I related to so much of your post.

I thought that therapy was the magic bullet. What i didn't anticipate was that therapy would make things WORSE for us. This is because we were going through feelings that had been locked away for YEARS - and they were raw, and they were destructive, and they became unleashed through therapy.

Hang in there - Therapy does not solve it all, the actual process of real therapy will see you go down before you go back up.

You sound sad and down, and I understand entirely. I feel that way too. I hate that I have lived a life that I utterly detest and you have EVERY RIGHT to be angry.

Anger masks the real feelings going on inside. Anger is a defense mechanism - the only other emotions under the anger are hurt, and fear. If you can try to connect with those feelings and process them, you might find that you stop "depressing" them, and as a result, feel less depressed.

About the cleaning issue - Sorry, but that is YOUR house too and you don't have to live like him. He needs to sort out his own cleanliness/hoarding issues, but you do NOT have to succumb. When he is at work, you clean as you like. Why are you allowing him to dictate how you live? Where is your say in this? Why is HIS need for clutter more important than YOUR need for cleanliness? It isn't. Stop allowing him to dictate how you live and take your power back Jay. You are not a victim here, you are a powerful woman who can take back her life. If I were you, I would go to the shop and buy boxes, and garbage bags.

I would bag up any rubbish, and box up all of his "crap" - and he can put it into storage (with his own money) if he is not willing to throw it out.
Hire a cleaner if you need more support - stop relying on him to be clean when you knew he wasn't clean in the first place. Sure, I get why you need it and want it, and you DESERVE his support, but it isn't realistic to expect a slob to turn into a domestic God. He is never going to be that person so YOU need to be that person and make your life more livable.

Use some of that anger and sadness to make a dint in the messy house. Once your surroundings feel more peaceful for you, you may feel much happier and in a better place to make decisions.

Take care Jay. x

[jay38112]

Thanks guys, for all your input, I understand what you are saying cause its exactly how I think, but its hard, this is his house, and I would never disrespect anyone even though he disrespects me cause if I did then I would be lowering myself to his level and that is something I dont want to do. Also I guess I have to ask the question if you were faced with homelessness and sleeping on a park bench no matter how terrible it is at home what would you be prepared to do. We all know how isolating this type of thing can become so I have no friends and no family to turn to. I dont really have an income cause even though I work my A** off at the moment I am trying to survive on $110 a week, so it not only makes it very hard to leave but to financially take myself away is impossible.. I guess thats where he knows that he has the upper hand... I know to you all this sounds like excuses but seriously I am realistically at a brick wall, but dont worry I am not giving up, I am going to go to the womens centre tomorrow, explain my situation and see what the outcome is.. then I will take it from there I guess..

[JenMac]

I hear you Jay!
I have often thought that I am very fortunate to be in the position I am in, the time of life I am in, in that I would be able to care for myself if things had come to an end with my H. Still a huge step for me after 35 years of marriage but never the less I would have been okay.
I am glad you are going to the women's shelter Jay. That is indeed a good step. It means you are thinking of yourself and trying to set a plan in place. I hope they can give you some assistance and if not direct assistance, then at least some guidance as to where you can go from here.
It is all about setting a plan in motion to enable you to care for yourself the best way you know how. I am hoping you are able to start doing that Jay, even though I can see how difficult that is for you at this moment.
I am sorry if our comments have made you feel bad Jay. It is not intended that way at all. I just see a desparate soul who is in need of support and care and that is what I am wishing for you!!
Hugs Jay!
Jenn

[vintageturtle]

I'm glad you found TTF, Jay. There is so much support here!

I think everything Rosie said is great advice. However, it sounds like you feel like you don't have rights to the house or to saying how things should be. From your post, it sounds like you guys are not married, and he owns the house? How long have you been living there? You could look into what the laws are about common law marriage where you are. Regardless, though, you are living there, and you have a right not to live in dangerous filth.

It also sounds to me like you would rather not be living there, but feel trapped. If so, I would encourage you to reconsider contacting a woman's shelter. Even if they can't take you in, they may be able to offer other resources and help. But if you aren't allowed to keep most of your living space clean an hygienic, you are living in an unsafe situation.

I also agree with Jenn -- you should make a plan for taking care of you. If your P doesn't want to give up the addiction, doesn't believe it is a problem, and won't see a different therapist, there isn't really much left for you to do to help him. Your energy and care need to be focused on you. You deserve it.