Stillandagain

[stillandagain]

I must start this journal by saying that THIS terrifies me: journal writing. At the climactic end of our 26-year marriage, my first PA husband printed and shared my journal with my daughters and extended family, friends, my boss and many profession-related people. It was such a hideous violation. That was in 2005. I have not kept a journal since.

But it was a great outlet for me, an important one. Already posting here just a few times has felt important, to be able to "say" what I need to say, to get it out and not just leave it in my head.

So, I will try. I need to "talk," even if its just to myself. Doing it in this "public" way adds a different dimension.

It makes me feel not so alone.

I need that most of all.

[TooSensitive]

StillandAgain, I am glad you found TTF and that your first journal entry here made you feel not so alone. Of course, it is never good to see that still another person has been negatively affected by their partner's P use and compulsive a/o.

But it is good that you are seeking help for yourself. Journaling is always done for me; yes, it is a way of talking to myself, as you have described. There are times when I journal "publicly" here (albeit anonymously); and there are times when I journal privately on my own desktop. Either way, it is ultimately for me and no one else. Though I can't say I mind if something I've written ends up helping someone else in the process of reading. I know how much insight I sometimes gain by reading others' journals here.

So welcome, and I do hope you come back and continue to journal your thoughts and feelings here. You will find alot of support and eoncouragement along the way.

[stillandagain]

Its hard for me to journal, as I said in my first entry. But, I love to write and need to express my feelings somewhere. In the past, when I did it, it was so important to my survival. But, I was writing to myself for me, for no one to read. When my first PA H violated my privacy by sharing it, I felt exactly that: violated.

Here in ttf I feel like I have tried hard to express myself. In a way it has felt like journaling. It has been important to me to get those hidden, shame-filled, angry, embarrassing, and even hopeful feelings OUT, not stuffed.

I think it was really important for me, earlier this week, to connect my own eating disorder addiction to this PA process of addiction and relationship and enabling and co-dependence.

I know that I MUST wonder and explore my answers to why I married another PA. Folks can speculate and suggest answers, but I need to find my own – just as my PA H needs to dig deep and wonder and explore. Its so painful, but also a hope-filled journey.

Bottom line: I love my H! At the beginning, we found hope in each other, in our separate-yet-similar histories of dysfunctional relationships and acting-out “survival” behaviors and resulting addictions. We made promises to “do our relationship differently, to live the right way.” I believed in him, in me, in us. I still do. But I know it cannot keep happening in this way. It cannot. I cannot tolerate this, still and again. It hurts too much. I despise the monster I become. I am powerless over my own reaction to his P. It makes me crazy. It makes me sick.

Sometimes hoping is really hard. Life is hard, and so are relationships. Falling back and down into “behaviors” is conscious and unconscious, intentional and reflexive. Its so hard to break pervasive and historic patterns, especially when stresses happen.

I need help. He needs help. We need help. We have been here before, but actually we have not. This time feels hopeful, like we are each working hard to succeed at this.

But, damn it, its only been three weeks “sober” – but its been three weeks, hallelujah! I need to believe in the long haul, believe that I am “enough,” believe that he truly wants to face himself and beat this, believe that he wants this and me and us, first and foremost. Believe, believe, believe.

“Ask for what you need” I have learned and taught. That’s what I need. To believe.

[JenMac]

Hey Stillandagain!
Good post!
I know the place you are in! It is a familiar place to me.
I think it is so very important for you to get your feelings out and I am sorry that that was taken away from you earlier on. That is a real invasion of privacy!!
I am glad that you are both here, fighting the fight, together, as I believe that is the best way!
Hope is a good thing SA! We all need to have hope in our lives!
I am glad you are both here! Getting support through all of this can make us feel less alone!
Keep moving ahead SA!
It is so worth the journey you are taking!!
Jenn

[stillandagain]

Thanks Jenn. Its weird to have people reply within the journal, but I will get used to it. You are so right, I NEED to be here, to "talk" and get stuff out. Its such a roller coaster of emotion.
When will I not be chained to the roller coaster? Its a metaphor that works for me: the exhilaration of the experience as well as the sheer terror of a roller coaster. I am hopeful and sad/mad, at the same time. Its exhausting! and I want to smsh-pc, but its MY computer! :)

[stillandagain]

I am coming to realize that I need to take care of myself first.
I am driving myself crazy, focused on my PA.
It is making me sick, inside and out.
I need my own "Recovery Plan" which does not focus on him first.

God help me

[JenMac]

I am coming to realize that I need to take care of myself first.
I am driving myself crazy, focused on my PA.
It is making me sick, inside and out.
I need my own "Recovery Plan" which does not focus on him first.

I am so glad that you are realizing this SA! This is so all important! We will only make ourselves sick when we concentrate on our Hs and their recovery so much.
It won't all happen for you at once SA, but begin by taking small steps and move ahead as you are able.
Little things, like walking in nature, taking a bubble bath, making a Gratitude list, all these seemingly simple things can begin to assist us in realizing there is life outside of this situation. We tend to bury ourselves in this, at least I know I did.
I remember back to difficult times when I worried about another family member incessantly. I really felt that if I didn't worry, who would? That seemed to be my role and one I took on willingly. I learned through Alanon that worry is such a useless emotion. It doesn't change a thing, it doesn't stop anything from happening and it won't make anything happen either. It just is such a useless waste of time. Most of what we worry about does not come true anyway. And lots of difficult things that happen we don't even see coming. So though it is very difficult I try to put worry aside whenever I am able.
Take the time to build your strength SA! Do the things that will bring peace into your life. Even if it begins slowly, learn to foster that for yourself. We can make ourselves sick if we are not careful. I remember that feeling well!
I am praying for you and wishing you all the best!
Jenn

[stillandagain]

Thank you.

What is "SA" ?

[JenMac]

Hahah!
SA is my short form for you StillandAgain!!
Sorry!
Jenn

[stillandagain]

I am coming undone
still and again
again and still
hurt betrayed sad angry suspicious
just “angry” isn’t enough
I am beyond angry
paralyzed and alone
powerless to stop the wave

its like I NEED to be here
to feel
to not hide the agony
to not take care of him by acting okay
I am far from okay

Why did YOU do this TO ME?
AGAIN and again
Our Day before Day One (whenever Day One really is) was not March 3rd’s “discovery”
It was every time we had this “discussion” after a “discovery”
How many times was it? It was many! I am such a fool
This is not the first time
Nor is this my first PA husband - I am such a fool
But this 2nd PA husband KNEW about the first, and what it did TO ME
I knew (a small piece apparently) of HIS history
We BOTH intended and promised and even vowed
What is the truth?
Was there EVER truth?
I want to believe
STILL AND AGAIN
I need to believe

What is the truth?
Can someone help me understand?
Can someone help HIM understand?

I need help
He needs help
We need help
Its been hard to come by

IS there truth?
IS hope real?
IS this marriage possible?

I want and need to believe
but so not want to be made a fool of
still and again
again and still