Stillandagain

[TooSensitive]

Still, scared says it all. This is a frightening journey. One minute there is clarity and insights; the next there is confusion and very complex emotions. No guarantees of anything, and never knowing for sure at which end we will land, let alone at which end our h's will land. Just do your best to trust your gut and honor whatever truths it is telling you. Sometimes we do have to pull back a little, b/c getting too comfortable can be a dangerous thing.

This has been the single most difficult journey I've ever traveled. Likely you already feel the same way. It is hard to find a balance with it all, including how much time to devote to "recovery" for ourselves, and how much time to devote to the other parts of our lives and ourselves. Sometimes if I am feeling overwhelmed by "recovery", I will intentionally pull off it, and do something to distract myself, like hopping in the car, taking a drive, and finding a scenic spot to photograph. To me, doing those kinds of things is part of recovery too, and doing those kinds of things feels freeing and healing for me. Sometimes we do need a break. So long as we don't end up stuffing our feelings in the process, and we make the time to revisit those when we're feeling a bit more settled.

Recovery isn't just about recovering from our negative feelings as a result of our h's behaviors. Recovery is also about rediscovering ourselves and all those other parts of our lives that we did put on hold, b/c we just weren't feeling up to maintaining them, in the wake of our discoveries about our h's. Recovery isn't just about journaling and reading and thinking about our feelings and learning how to process and manage those. Recovery is also about spending time doing those healthy things which make us feel good and which allow us to restore our self-esteem, such as working at our careers and jobs; visiting with our children, family, and friends; giving back to our community through volunteer work; and revisiting old hobbies, or finding new ones. Going to church, connecting with nature, or whatever activities allow us to rejuvenate our spirit and our spiritual connections. Recovery is so much more than what happens here at TTF, in therapy, or at support groups. There is a whole other world of recovery, beyond the traditional recovery methods. You ventured out into that other world just this past weekend! And at the same time, you had many moments when you were also able to incorporate recovery into the mix, by having those long talks with BH. You got a break and that much-needed fresh air, without totally disconnecting yourselves to the point of avoidance. It sounds like you found a healthy, happy balance over the weekend.

I am glad BH and you had that time in the car to be alone and talk. Talking can be very healing for both of you. And it is really the only way you can heal your relationship, too. Without it, you can only go so far. I am also glad to read how well your trip went and how much you enjoyed your time!

Sending positive thoughts your way! I see great things happening between BH and you!

[stillandagain]

answering the post about whats been most hurtful has put me in a hard place, a familiar place.

it also helps me see even more clearly that Beanhead is really doing this, we are doing this together.

but so many thoughts creep in throughout the day and I wonder how he is "really" doing

I hate that!

I want to trust
I want to believe
in him
in us
in me

I hate feeling unsire, but those moments don't consume every moment

sometimes reading here brings me down
brings me back to the hurt
makes it hurt again

what a tough journey

I have begun to wonder if I really will end this marriage if (when?) he relapses. it helps to read from others that THIS is indeed possible for him.

what a tough journey

a familiar one, damn it

By the way, TooSensitive: I LOVE your paragraph about what recovery is and isn't! thanks so much

[rosie]

I want to trust
I want to believe
in him
in us
in me

Your sig:

God, grant me the SERENITY
to accept the things I cannot change, (HIM)
the COURAGE to change the things I can, (YOU)
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

(bighug)

[stillandagain]

so, Beanhead goes to his ex-wife's home (his former home) to be with the kids 2-3 nights a week, while the ex-wife is at school. We have been married less then two years. Pictures of HIM and HER were still on the walls less than a year ago. He has admitted to looking at P there during the final cycle.

They STILL have a co-dependent relationship, not simply co-parenting.

He has never understood why I FREAK OUT often, why it makes me CRAZY that HE is the one she comes home to on these nights.

She is nearly 20 years younger than me, which never helps.

I want to believe every negative thing he is careful to share, but sometimes his naivete (or is it mine) makes me crazy.

Like tonight! He went to a school meeting that she couldn't make. We live an hour away, she lives in the community of the school, they are her friends, her church. she could get her own information. He left the house 14 hours ago and has to STAY to talk to his ex-wife?

Perhaps. Yes, as co-parents

But my wheels turn and turn and turn, especially as a result of the dishonesty.

Anybody help???

[stillandagain]

Its like my anger starts with something specific and ends up about everything. That familiar spiral of rage. I should write a book - but I think I need to FEEL it first! I have spent so much time swallowing so many feelings.

[stillandagain]

And now I am afraid this will trigger him

[JenMac]

Hi Stillandagain!
I don't know anything about ex wives so I may not be qualified to answer this, but I can recognize what you are putting yourself through! You are letting your mind take you to the worst places, in fact you are feeding that in yourself. I have done that to myself plenty of times, both in this situation and in another trying situation in my life. I had to train myself not to do that, not to let myself go there. I learned a lot of that from my Alanon program. I had to learn to put things out of my mind. I would repeat some of the slogans to myself to enable me to move on to a better place. I prayed!
Now you know that this is something that drives you crazy and I am sure you have discussed this with BH as well. But have you come up with a plan together that you can both live with in relation to this? It seems to me that at this time it is very important for you to feel like he is getting your concerns and doing his best to alleviate those concerns. He may not be able to change everything about the situation but I am sure you guys could come up with ways that would make you feel better about it all.
As per your previous post re what is most hurtful. Yes, this type of thinking can surely put us back in time, into not a very good headspace. Perhaps that is not helping with this situation either! Sometimes when we are down, it doesn't take much to make us feel vulnerable and it seems to me that you have it from all ways right now!!
Stop that mind from swirling SA! You do have that power!!
Worrying never changes anything!! It just makes us sick!!
Huge Hugs!!
Jenn

[rosie]

so, Beanhead goes to his ex-wife's home (his former home) to be with the kids 2-3 nights a week, while the ex-wife is at school. We have been married less then two years. Pictures of HIM and HER were still on the walls less than a year ago. He has admitted to looking at P there during the final cycle.

They STILL have a co-dependent relationship, not simply co-parenting.

He has never understood why I FREAK OUT often, why it makes me CRAZY that HE is the one she comes home to on these nights.

She is nearly 20 years younger than me, which never helps.

I want to believe every negative thing he is careful to share, but sometimes his naivete (or is it mine) makes me crazy.

Like tonight! He went to a school meeting that she couldn't make. We live an hour away, she lives in the community of the school, they are her friends, her church. she could get her own information. He left the house 14 hours ago and has to STAY to talk to his ex-wife?

Perhaps. Yes, as co-parents

But my wheels turn and turn and turn, especially as a result of the dishonesty.

Anybody help???

Im afraid to comment because there are kids involved - however, S&A - this is your marriage on the rocks. He should NOT be doing ANYTHING that makes you uncomfortable. Why can't you stay too? Why does he have to stay and talk for endless hours with her? I am sorry, but this would piss me right off. YOU are his wife, NOT her. Him spending time with the kids is another thing altogether but your marriage should be a priority to him too. If this makes you uncomfy, TELL HIM and ask him to CHANGE what he is currently doing. It is NEVER too late to change what you want, and to ask for it - it doesnt matter how long this has been the routine - things have changed. He has shown he is not trustworthy so he needs to do something about that!

Wow, you are patient. I would be flying off the handle at this.

[champagnesuppanova]

Hello S&A,

From reading you most recent posts about BH and the exwife, I wonder if there are two issues getting mixed up here. The first is your concern that he has acted out at the house of the ex-wife before and obviously you are scared that he will relapse and because the ex-wifes house is away from you, you think he might use the opportunity to do it there. The second thing is an uncomfortableness (I use that word because I'm not sure if it is jealousy, mistrust, both of those or something else) that you feel about his relationship with his ex-wife. The co-dependency in particular upsets you, not surprisingly.

I don't know if it helps to try to break it down into those two areas, but if you can, it might make the feelings more manageable and then also enable you to talk to BH about the problem as two separate points. If he can see you have worked out the differences between the two sets of emotions, that may make it easier for him to be more forthcoming to you because he can use your division of the issues to guide his own thoughts, feelings and responses.

I have no experience of either issue so I can't offer any wisdom on how to deal with either set of emotions, let alone the two together. All I can say is this - when I have talked to my BF in the past about his infidelity I found that we had the most constructive conversations when I had taken out the tears and frustrations elsewhere. Generally, men seem to be intimidated by a woman in the throws of emotion and so the man will concentrate on saying anything he can to calm the woman down rather than doing what the woman actually needs, which is to talk about the problem situation openly and honestly. So by all means go ahead and feel what you are feeling and get it off your chest. BUT, make sure that before you address these things with BH you have calmed down and crystalised in your mind what it is you want him to understand and take away to deal with.

I suspect I may well be telling you things you already know. And I apologise if I sound a bit preachy. But you (among others on this site) have already helped me to find so much calm at a time of total craziness in my head. I want to try to give back. I hope it helps and you are in my thoughts.

[stillandagain]

Thanks for your comments

I did work on gaining control of the spiral of rage. Prayer and beautiful music helped.

Champagne, I like how you "split" the issues. It gives me much to ponder.

I think Beanhead and I have much to work on in therapy! This issue and baggage of his ex-wife's constant reality and communication and presence are really hard for me to bear. He has worked hard on the communication part. Calls and texts have reduced considerably - after I made him count on the phone bill and he saw exactly how often they communicate. I drew a boundary. They could communicate BETTER, and much less frequently, and still pass necessary info.

P was an issue in their marriage, too, obviously. But she and I are not the same. I will indeed reach a breaking point that she never did. Long story.

Anyway, its not like she went or goes away.

Its really hard

and we are working on that too...