My journey

[Amo]

I think a journal is a fantastic idea.

I am a SO of a PA, and we are on day one.

My journey in this is complex. I looked the other way, I knew his habits, and I let it happen.

We didn't talk about this. Not until today, and hearing him talk about the drive, and telling me he hated his sex drive, and his member. "How can someone hate their body so much? And how can that happen at such a young age?" Were my thoughts.

This is the man I fell in love with. He is perfect. I am the fat one. He is beautiful to look at. And I am far from picture perfect. He loves me, but... he also has thousands of pictures, stories, books about beautiful women. And I accepted it.

When we had sex he would talk about me and another woman, and I let it happen. I thought, okay he needs this to be with ugly me. So to hear him say he hated his body, and sex drive, that was tough.

He has no control over my happiness, but he doesn't know how I feel so fat and ugly. I don't wear make up or do my hair. I had a yellow front tooth when he met me, so picture perfect wasn't me. And I know he picked me, what was nagging in the back of my mind, what if one of those picture perfect people met him. Then he'd have everything, perfect woman, and his perfect pictures.

Certainly, this tells you a lot about me. I have to work on my own self image. P and PA doesn't help it.

[SillySarah]

Hi Amo! I am glad you are here, I am new here too! Like you I knew when I married him, I allowed it, ignored it, let it continue. In fact I still am. I too feel like the "fat one", as my body has carried three children and is the unlucky recipient of someone who hates to exercise;)

I am so sad you are going through this and hope that you are able to find some freedom and peace as you work through the ravages of this disease we married into.

SS

[Amo]

Hi Amo! I am glad you are here, I am new here too! Like you I knew when I married him, I allowed it, ignored it, let it continue. In fact I still am. I too feel like the "fat one", as my body has carried three children and is the unlucky recipient of someone who hates to exercise;)

I am so sad you are going through this and hope that you are able to find some freedom and peace as you work through the ravages of this disease we married into.

SS

I have something I fight daily, and it doesn't help the weight. I exercise daily, and I have the kids to remind me. My problem is emotional eating. And that is an issue I hope to address now that it is sorta out in the open that P has affect me and the marriage.

Thank you. >:D<

[Amo]

Okay just got back from shopping, going there I wanted to tell him everything I am learning, about the P industry, and how it isn't completely his fault.

I used oranges to explain it, but he didn't want to hear,I explained, "your brain is trained to get oranges, and before pictures over 100 years ago, you'd only get a few oranges in your life. Then photos came and oranges became too abundant, every varity of orange is offered and the brain say yes, I need ALL of them, leading to unhealthy need for oranges. So please don't feel guilty, the industy knows your need for oranges and provides, but aren't nice to the 'objects'."

He does feel guilty. I can't stop him from feeling this.

So we shopped and a woman gave me a free sample of shapoo, on the advertisement was a head shot, and shoulders. He looked at it and said, "this is p."

It's going to be a long journey.

[JenMac]

Hi Amo!
Welcome to TTF! I am glad you are here. TTF has been a Godsend for me over the past 11 months.
I am an SO here, along with my H Mac. We have come a long way in the time we have been here.
Amo, I can so understand the feelings you are having! I also know that my telling you that it is not you, that you could be the most beautiful woman in the world and it would not matter, won't help you to get those feelings out of your head. It is unfortunately the damage that can be done by this horrible industry.
Your H seems to realize that he has a problem Amo. That is the first step! That is important! He is ahead of a number of PAs when they are first discovered. He may be reluctant to hear some things at this point in time but hopefully with time, it will become easier for both of you to communicate about this. I have found that communication is the biggest part of our healing.
That is where this site can be a huge healing tool for both of you! Is your H considering joining?
Amo, I encourage you to work on your own healing. I know that we can get so swallowed up in our H's recovery that we can neglect ourselves. What can you do for yourself to make you feel better, stronger? You need to build that strength and self esteem within yourself to carry you through. Please do whatever you can to embrace yourself and tell yourself positive things! That is so very important!
Again, Amo, welcome to the site! I hope you will find TTF to be the blessing that I have found it to be.
Keep coming back!
All the best!
Jenn

[Amo]

Bad day today, asked h to do something this morning because I had a rotten night. He woke up, did his thing, and then I woke up to find what I wanted done not done. Then the excuses and fight. I knew it would be tough, and I don't know what he did this morning to not do what I asked.

Talked to the marriage counselor today with him, and it came out that he's a pa, he was pissed. It seems he wanted to tiptoe around the issue. And the person was a bit shocked when the details came pouring out. She asked if I had joined a support group, I said online, and I also mentioned how it isn't private, she said, "stay annonymous". Which is good advice.

It did seem he was picking the fight, even though he said I was for asking him to do something for me. All I asked was for him to wake up his children (their mine too) and pour some cereal in a bowl, so it would be faster to get them ready for daycare so we could go to marriage counseling. Of course he didn't wake the kids.

I am hoping for easier. I really am, and I don't want to leave him. I just don't know what to do next. So we scheduled another session, next week, hoping that everything dies down until then, and he stays off the P.

[Amo]

Last night, everything was better, he didn't get on the computer unless it was for gaming. Which I am cool with. He played with the kids, and I wore a dress. We played.

It is nice to get him off the computer, and he had thought about the argument we had, he said, "we need to figure out how to get out of the home more, and we both don't do that."

In the back of my mind, I thought, certainly now that the P won't keep you home or dashing back to home. What I said was, "well, you're right." And smiled.

I love my H, he didn't know how P affected going out and him playing with his children until it is gone. I hope this continues, more later. Day 4.