As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall not fear...

[SillySarah]

Umm, how are we supposed to start this? Our journals? I hope I am writing this in the right place;) I am not even sure I should classify myself as an SO, maybe I am also a PA. I don't know, I guess it's possible. Certainly not something I want to consider but that feeling generally points to the truth.*

My story with P is a long and twisted one, and it began long before I ever met my DH. It started when I was 9, I found my fathers P. It was a hustler (funny how I still remember that), and very very very graphic. Things I had never seen or imagined. But they were beautiful, they all looked like the barbie's I still played with at the time. I remember pouring over them, memorizing every detail. I also remember the burning feeling, the attraction that I didn't understand yet. That was the first time, but not anywhere near the last. I found them many times throughout my childhood. I was punished for finding them too, as my mother eventually discovered my secret. Although it was by no means a pervasive theme in my childhood, I do remember clearly all of the separate occasions. As I got older and began to develop physically I began comparing my own body to my fathers' magazines, this is precisely when I began hating my own body. As I have never been P material. Always ugly and too heavy in my eyes. Even when I was 105lbs and a DDD, I didn't see myself as attractive. As a teenager I sort of "forgot" about my fathers' P, and instead became quite promiscuous with numerous young men. Clearly in a pathetic attempt to convince myself that I was in fact attractive and desirable. I also found myself attracted to girls my own age, ones I thought were my ideal. I did engage in a couple same sex, but very short lived "experiences", with women in my late teens. It didn't stick mostly because I couldn't reconcile that sort of thing with my belief in God. Around this time I met my H, in junior year of high school. We fell in "love" and dated for the remainder of high school, and the beginning of college. It was when we were packing his things that I first noticed his P use. I was devastated, but chose not to say anything as it seemed that it was just what guys did. Then we got back together our senior year of college, after keeping in touch while we dated other people. We moved in together, and began what I considered the beginning of our current relationship. About 6months or so into our first year together I discovered by accident (I was looking for paint supplies) his video collection hidden in a bag stuffed in the back of his painting cabinet. When I found these I confronted him, crying saying he had lied to me and cheated on me. He of course said he did not, and that he had just put them away because he didn't look at them anymore since I was there. Then I looked on his computer and found thousands upon thousands of pictures he had downloaded of nude or scantily dressed celebrities, and saved movies clips from Russian P movies, and many other forms of P. All hidden in secret folders on his HD. Then I found his magazine stash in the trunk of his car, there was at least a thousand magazines as his trunk was absolutely FULL. I tearfully confronted him again again over this, each time he admitted nothing that I didn't have physical proof of that he could see, he denied and lied, omitted and sidetracked. Apologized again and again, promised he would stop, and learned to lie and hide. We tried watching it together, he picked out his fave's from the local movie rental places...It was a very long 2nd 6 months, then just before graduation we found out I was pregnant with our first child. In the excitement of graduation, pregnancy, and marriage I somehow "forgot" how much the P use hurt, and how my trust in him had been shattered. We tried to share it, we made deal after deal I promised to be ok with it if he watched it with me, if he didn't hide or lie. But time after time he did just that. The first 6 months or so into our marriage were blissful and happy, we were excited and in love. Then I caught him hiding it again when I was 8 months pregnant. I was devastated to say the least. Again, the promises. After I delivered a wonderful baby boy, we once again "forgot" about our P problem, and had another relatively happy 5-6 months before the jealousy began to leak back in. Just as we were celebrating his 23rd birthday, I got sick and wound up needing surgery for a brain aneurism. After another six months I recovered just in time to celebrate Christmas. That I would have to say was the worst time of my life. Dealing with my own existence, death, paralysis, etc. It was awful, but on top of it, my best friend my husband was hiding P and using it behind my back too. I have never felt so alone, and the feeling never went away. Over the next 10 years we went back and forth, again and again over the P issue. He used and lied and hid and denied and weasled. I discovered, searched, threatened, cried, and hated myself. We went on to have 2 more children. I went back to school and became a nurse. Had an affair for about 6 months with an older male classmate, while we were separated due to me finding pictures of strippers dancing on top of a bar counter. Long story short, we both had affairs (although he still will not admit to his) and he has continued to use P to this day. Although he lies and hides much better now. Esspecially since he got an iPhone this past year, which he can erase any trace of P use on very easily. We have come very close to divorcing over the past 2 years or so because of his continued use and lies. He claims to have stopped, but admits to use whenever we have an argument. States he is NOT an addict because he has stopped. He doesn't consider the times when we fight to be relevant.*

So now we are here, we both say we want to make this work, he says he loves me, and I love him. But he still uses, I at least know he does when he's upset with me. But I suspect it is actually much more often. I just have no way of actually "knowing". He is depressed, overwhelmed and angry most of the time. I am sad and alone, but much better at the whole coping thing than either him or I used to be. He works part time, while I work full time sharing care of the kids. But we have little connection most of the time. I feel old, unattractive, and completely undesirable ALL of the time, he doesn't bother to try. So we have basically no s*x life, except for some sporadic times when we foolishly think we can connect. I don't even know if I want him that way anymore. At times I feel complete disgust towards him, at others just anger, then saddness and loss. I know I love him, but it doesn't always feel that way. I have decided to try to heal the broken parts of me. I have asked God to bring back the love I used to have for my H, and for myself. I am trying to repair all the damage P has done both myself, my marriage, and my view of s*x. Because as much as P has hurt me, I still find myself strangely attracted to it. I can't deny that, I have on my own searched and viewed, a couple of times over the years. Mostly just looking at whatever he was looking at, like I watched the dvd's I found a few times... And such. I did use them to MB A few times. For some reason I felt closer to him, that way. Gosh I sound so screwed up! In reality I am just a working mother raising 3 children. I go to church and believe in God and family, I don't do drugs or any weird stuff. No I just see myself as average. But writing this all down I am begining to think I might be a bit weirder than I though;)!*

Well, as I have completely poured everything into this post... That I am writing while I wait for acceptance by the site moderators... I will save the rest for later. As I have a birthday cake to bake, and a party to get together all after working all night! Ahh, I cannot wait until bedtime!!!*

[JenMac]

Hey SillySarah!
Although I don't think you are silly at all!
Welcome to TTF! I am so glad you are here!
Sarah, you started your journal in precisely the right place and it seems you poured yourself into your first post. Doesn't that feel good to get it all out?
I am sorry you are experiencing this Sarah. It is a difficult situation we find ourselves in. That feeling of being so alone, I know it well! I can so relate to knowing that our best friend and confidante has betrayed us and hurt us to our core. It is a very frightful thing.
Sarah, you have a long history with the world of P. That is not unusual here at TTF. And the fact that you may feel drawn to it in some way is also not unusual. It is in fact designed that way. I have also found myself at times wanting to see what it was that my H was so intrigued by. I know that it is not a good place for me to be and so I have made certain not to go there for any length of time.
Sarah, it may be time for you to decide what it is you will accept in your life. What are your boundaries? What do you need to be able to feel safe, loved and respected? What do you require of your H?
For me, I knew I could not live with P in my life. I knew that within 24 hours of discovery. There was not question in my mind.
I prayed too Sarah. I prayed for strength and guidance. And I believe I received both.
My H, Mac, and I have been here since April 2010 and it has been quite a journey. But we are here, stronger, closer and wiser than we have ever been.
It can be done Sarah! I hope you find TTF to be the blessing in your life that it has been in ours!
Wishing you all the best!
Jenn

[SillySarah]

Thank you Jenn, for your kind, welcoming, and thoughtful response. I guess the biggest thing I left out in my earlier post is that I am here for myself, because I am broken. I feel that this particular part of me has been broken for a long time and I simply don't hbe the tools to put myself back together yet. I am here hopefully to gain wisdom and knowledge, compassion and understanding. I have spent 10+ years fighting this monster! If I am really honest, it's actually been much longer. I somehow have to find a way to be ok with me. I know that I cannot change my H, nor my marriage as I am but half of the whole. No what I want and need is peace in my heart. I need to love without needing something in return. I married my H, knowing his problem. I cannot desert him. Even if he can not see, I feel I must hold up my end, even as he surrenders his. But even as I say this, I don't know where to begin, the black cloud of P hangs over our heads constantly threatening to destroy and demolish...

[Charly22]

Sarah,

I can relate to everything you have written. I started dating my husband when I was only a teenager. I followed him everywhere. I followed his every whim. I was like a puppy dog behind him, only wanting his approval and acceptance and affection. I participated in p with him. And pretty much enabled it to become the monster that it is today. It is hard for him to understand how and why I was ok with it in the beginning, and now despise it the way I do. Because of the addiction it has turned into for him. Because of the way it causes him to act, to hide, to lie, he allowed it to consume him. Because of the pull it has on him. I tried to control it. I tried to make him only use it when it could be an activity between us, for date night or something. Yet he still did it behind my back. Yet he still couldn't wait. Yet he still used it DAILY.

While I cannot say that things are great, I can say that we are closer and closer to the flame that needs to be walked through, and that slow agonizing approach was never able to begin until I decided that I would never "enable" anymore. I denounced it. No matter how upset he became, no matter the strife, I would never ever go back to allowing it to dig it's claws deeper by my own actions. I decided that I demand to be exclusive. It took awhile for me to see the harm. It took awhile for me to realize that it does feel like infedility. It took awhile for me to see how it steals his soul away from me, away from real life, away from reality, pulls him into darkness. He became addicted. I did not.

So, for you, take your stand, decide your boundaries, stand strong on them. You will find more and more inner strength, and can begin to build, and share light with everyone around you. Glad you are here.

[SillySarah]

Thank you Charley, I just recently read your thread... I've been here awhile "just looking".... Yes I too can relate to much of what you've been through. Esspecially your recent visit to the councilors... I've had three such experiences over the years in my attempt to fix our marriage. Everytime we've gone, except for one, the "councelor" pointed the finger back to me, saying P was perfectly normal and that I needed to decide if I could learn to live with this perfectly normal and acceptable behavior or I needed to leave. Needless to say I never could leave, nor was I ever able to accept the P as "normal" or acceptable either. Their advice was useless and wound up causing much more turmoil, strife and sorrow in our lives. The one that disagreed with the others was a social worker who specialized in sexual addictions, and pretty much told my H that he was in fact an addict and that in order to save our marriage and his life he needed to not only quit, but WANT to quit for himself. We never went back. H said it was bs and he refused to ever go back. He wasn't ready to hear it. Still isn't. It incrediably sad.

Well, shortly after my first post my H "discovered" it when using my phone ( I used my phone to post), and read what I posted. As well as then checking my emails and also "discovering" (I would have shown him if I thought he cared), that I had started to join a local dating site. Well I joined it because I found emails in his bulk mail from this particular dating site and wanted to see what he was doing on it. Well he got all defensive and angry thinking I was cheating on him. I am not. I made that terriable mistake once in our marriage, and I NEVER will again. Never. Because I am not that person, that isn't who I am today, I will never be that person again. But I know that I did once, and I was that person before, so I will forever have to reassure my poor H. I wish there was some way to show him, that he never need worry again. That it simply isn't possible. But that's the thing about lies, and the hurt they cause. You can't ever take those actions back, things can never be the same. You can't erase the questions, or bring back the trust, not the way it was before. No that sense of "knowing" is gone forever. I truly believe that you can build a trusting lasting relationship afterwards but it will never be the same. I am so very sorry I did what I did. It's been 5 1/2 years since then, and it still pops up now and then, hurting my H and myself in the process. Will it ever go away? Will his pain and distrust ever lessen? I pray it does. That God gives him a sense of peace, that he is able to trust that my heart has changed. That I have grown.

So in his pain and anger at my past failures he went on to tell me that he wishes things were different between us and he is sick of my obsession with his P use. He told me that the times in our marriage when I allowed P use where our best times, when there was "nothing" between us. My heart broke a little more with each word out of his mouth. Our BEST times? What? To me they were our absolute worst times! They compose most of my worst most shameful memories! To hear that those are the ones he looks back fondly on was heartbreaking. For me those were the times I felt least connected to him or our marriage. Times when the separation between us was at its widest. I find myself at a loss for words trying to describe my own feelings about P. He continually throws my past enjoyment of P in my face, and is completly unable to understand why I loath it so much. I loath it because it has stolen so much of what is mine. I admit I am aroused by it, but I CHOOSE not to use it, look at it, fantasize about it. It is a choice we all make, one way or the other. I choose goodness and love over second long thrills. I have for years. I guess it sounds like I have been a frequent user, I have not. I have used maybe 20 or 30 times total in my life most of which was during the first few years of our marriage. But it is a choice I have had to make many times since. Like any temptation, it throws itself in your face every once in awhile. I guess its a matter of philosophy, I believe it's harmful not only to myself and my marriage but also to society my children and all those who engage in it. Like smoking, it's a cancer in our culture. Stealing the life out of our marriages.

Jenn asked some questions about what I am willing to accept in my life and what my boundaries are. What I am willing to live with. They are really hard questions. I don't know. I know I love my H, till death do us part. I am in this for the long haul. I will not leave. That is the only thing I know. I believe that he is struggling, even if he will not admit it. I refuse to believe that he honestly doesn't see the harm, I just know that it's hidden somewhere deep in his heart. It's there in all of us whether we admit it or not. We all know it is wrong, why do you think people hide it, lie about it, defend it... But like cancer it grows exponentially when left to itself, spread unknown through our society... Leaving casualties scattered in it wake. I HATE P! But I do not hate those destroyed by it. I feel sorry for them, I want to help them, protect them. Urh! I loath it so much, for it's hidden lies, deciet and fakeness!

My boundaries? What are they? I havnt the first clue! Isn't that pathetic? I must be the worlds biggest codependent:), really though I have no idea. Mostly because I can't imagine my world without my H. To me there is no world without him, it would be like a world without God. Wow I sound pathetic.;(.

What am I willing to live with? Well I am willing to stay through anything, I will be devestated each and everytime. I will fall apart, I will be sad but I will not abandon him. So I guess that is supposed to mean I am willing to live with anything. But that isn't how I want to say it even if it is the truth. What I mean is that I love my H and there isn't anything he could ever do to make me stop. My love for him is unconditional. That doesn't mean I will be happy, waiting to please him at every junction. It doesn't mean I will not be hurt, angry, sad or devestated each and every time he betrays me and our marriage. But it does mean that I will love him despite his failures and faults.

No I am here on this site and in this place in my life because I have realized there is absolutely nothing I can do to change my H's heart other than pray and love him. I cannot prevent myself from being hurt or sad or angry. I am here to learn to forgive myself for my failure, faults, and learn to love myself as I am. I am here to learn how to channel this pain and sorrow in a healthier way. To not blame myself for his infedelity. Hopefully one day my H will see the truth behind P, and when he does I will be there with open arms. Until then I will love him the best way I can, while still preserving my sanity! And if he never does, than I guess I will still spend my life loving a man who is worth more to me than he will ever know. Noone will lose more than him if thats the case, and I pray that is not the case. But if it is, there is absolutly nothing I can do about it. I am powerless to change him, that is something only he and God can do, my part is to support him and love him the way God has always supported and loved me, inspight of my failures and maybe even because of them. We are all flawed, we all succumb at different times in our lives to temptations of some sort whether it be clothes, food, nice cars, money, cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, or whatever our own personal demons are. PA's struggle with s*x. For whatever reason that is my H's demon. I used to be so angry about the P, now I am just sad. This addiction steals so much and offers nothing in return. Noone is suffering more than those who are intwined in it, be it the actors or those using it. It's just so very sad.

[rosie]

Hi Sarah and welcome to TTF :) Sorry you are here, and all that - but glad you are for the support YOU need to get through this hell.

Your story echoes so much of my own, right down to having a child young, being a mum of 3 and being together for 10 years.

First of all, from my research, it is quite normal for women in relationship with a PA to have affairs, or at least, think about it. This is because they are neglected and are living in a relationship with a hidden mistress (the porn). Porn and affairs in my mind, are the same thing. He has been betraying you, and you betrayed him. You did it once. He continues to do it - therein lies the difference. I am not saying it is okay to cheat, because it's horrible and heartbreaking, however, it is quite normal given the betrayals that have always been in your marriage. Forgive yourself for the affair, and move on!

Secondly, it is a natural people who grew up with sexualization (in your case early porn discovery) to seek out sex addicts because they resonate on the same level. That's not to say you are a sex addict, but that your father was probably objectifying women, you learned that modelling from him and seek to replicate it in your marriage. I did the exact same thing. Although my father never had porn (that I know of), I used to see his objectifaction with my own eyes out in public and I became to aspire to love men who objectify me.

Thirdly! Young lady! It is also normal to want to connect with your partner and sometimes we find ourselves being drawn into their murky little work - by degrading ourselves or others, with the false belief that it brings us closer to them. It doesn't, but often we are neglected and so disconnected that we get desperate for connection - any connection - which is also why we are more likely to have affairs than others not living with sex addicts.

Your username and your self-put downs in your post are very noticeable. If you took your affair out of the equation, you would probably be able to see it better. You are not responsible for his behaviour, and you are not silly, and you are not crazy, and there is nothing wrong with you. Please believe this and work towards convincing yourself of this.

You were born into a world a female - as females, males and society in general seem to think we are worth our looks and sexuality above all else. One of your first experiences was probably with barbie dolls - So, of course, when you also add that our role-models (in your and my case) our fathers act this way - we accept that our sex appeal is our defining characteristic, we accept being objects. You are a whole, intelligent, earthy, instinctual, spiritual, woman and mother. Those things are so much more meaningful than body shape, lip shape, body hair, or how trashy you can make yourself look to appeal to the objectifying men out there. As hard as this might come to be accepted by you, someone who loves you loves you for all of you and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

My husband also commented that he was "SO HAPPY" during the time I called a truce to the "porn obsession" and "let him" indulge in it for 2 weeks. We had sex every day, but he also used porn like a maniac during that week - and felt no guilt, he was on a high.
It was then that I realized that his guilt isn't his own - while he thought it was right with me, he indulged in it without a moment of thought - and without any remorse. So, for all those times he told me he was ashamed and felt guilt, I think he was only referring to doing something wrong to me - or at least, telling me that he felt bad about it. I don't actually think he did, though. He clearly didn't feel bad enough to stop doing it.

Anyway. I just wanted to offer you some support and some words that I have learnt over the years, even though my life is a trainsmash and I feel like i have a long long long way to go.

Stay strong, look after yourself, and please forgive yourself for your MISTAKE. You are HUMAN and it was a MISTAKE. Nothing more sinister than that, just a mistake that you learnt by. I say the worst mistakes are the ones that people continue to do - aka PORN.

Take care. x

[vintageturtle]

Hi Sarah, I'm glad you've found TTF. I'm sorry for all that you've gone through, all of the betrayal and nonsense you've had to put up with. My heart broke when you wrote about your H remembering the times you allowed P as the best times in your marriage.

I can relate to you about having your own struggles with P. I also found P belonging to my father and also my friend's father as a kid, and of course it was exciting and I wanted to keep coming back to it. I was also a big reader, and in middle school, I started reading Stephen King books, which often contain P. I don't know what my parents were thinking, allowing me to read them, even buying them for me. My oldest is about the age I was then, and we discourage him from reading Goosebump books! Anyway, my point is to say that I have felt tempted by P as an adult, during my marriage. It's easy enough for me to stay away from P that involves pictures or movies or whatever, since it's obviously P and that is its sole purpose. But I have struggled with P in literature (surprise, surprise). It hasn't been a big part of my life, but at one point, I was having a difficult time coping with the stuff going on in my life, and I used books as an escape, and found myself getting more and more into books that were less about the story and more about the smut. Once I woke up to what was going on, I stopped, and I have been much better about catching myself before I start down that path again. After H's disclosure, I realized I was setting myself up to go down that path again. I don't believe I was addicted the way my H was, but it did give me some insight and understanding as to why he found it alluring and it helps me see how the addiction is about the lust, not about the women or about being dissatisfied with me.

Sorry, I just "me me me'd" on your journal. I just wanted to let you know that I have had similar struggles, and that you're not the only SO who has had their own history with P.

[SillySarah]

Thank you, both Rosie and VT your comments resonate so completely with what I have thought and what I have needed to hear so badly.

Rosie, I hear you! Yes I do focus on my own faults a lot... But I have not always. Much to my own shame, I have spent years and years focusing not on my errors or indiscretions but on my H's. I have blamed him, accused him, and basically told him time and time again that EVERYTHING was his fault. Including my affair. Which I know was not. Yes his addiction played an infinitely important role in our troubles, but it was by no means the only problem. I guess what I was trying to convey is that although he is wrong and he does have a problem, so did I and so do so many others. We are all in the wrong at some point in our lives, and I am tired of persecuting him for HIS failures when I really am not much better. I was lucky and blessed in that I was able to find a way out. Whereas he and so many of our PA's got stuck, lost in their personal fantasy worlds. I know I am not to blame, I know I have had my reasons, I know that none of them make it ok. I have forgiven myself for the wrongs I have done and I also believe that God has forgiven me. But seeing the damage and pain I have caused my H, has helped me understand my own pain in a way. I know how difficult it is to trust when you've been lied to, I know that sickening feeling, I also know the long journey to freedom of that pain. I just wanted to somehow express that although his actions continue to cause much pain and sorrow for me, I am better able to understand and support him as I have had experience on both ends of the spectrum. Easily said as, I have been there...

VT, thank you so much for your post! It is good to know I am not alone in my own struggles with temptation. When you wrote about your temptations with books it really hit home. I have done that to a much greater extent though, and never allowed myself to really acknowledge it before now... Although I never did read anything as scary as Stephen king! No my temptations lay more in the relm of historical inspirational romance novels. They never had any P, in a literal sense but they had all sorts of romantic notions and stories of how love is "supposed to be". I read them to avoid my own life as an escape. Replacing what I was missing in my own life. At times I was reading whole books in a day... Obsession. I knew it wasn't healthy for me, but I made excuses and continued. My H often expressed his dislike of those books, saying it was an unfair comparison and made me want what is impossible to create in real life. Any of these sentiments sound familiar? Pretty much what P has done for our H's. I realize that now. I created my own fantasies, to deal with his. It was all an escape from reality. That has long been my problem. This tendency to try to escape, to avoid, to pretend. I never had the gumtion to face reality for very long, I have always found something else to take my mind off reality, or to focus it on something else some crisis that had to be delt with. So while I have delt with this P problem for years, I have not gotten anywhere towards healing because I have spent all my efforts distracting myself.

So this is where I am starting from. I am not fooling myself any longer, no more excuses. I am dealing with my pain, and plan to work on my own recovery. Learning to love myself for all that I am, and not what I want to be. No more distractions.

My H is not in recovery, and I know he is far from any real place of understanding. He has no problem other than me, his work, and caring for our kids. He can not talk about his PA, he does not believe there even is such a thing as PA. He admits to feeling guilty, but I believe that much of it comes from hurting me and being "found out". While I know if he were to truly look deep in himself he would see the error of his ways, I acknowledge that he is very far from that indeed. It is hard loving someone so full of lies and secrets. But I know this man, and I do love him so very much. Even when my heart is breaking I know that I love him. He is lost right now, and all I can do to help him is love him. I have to give up this insatiable need to change him, convince him. For in the end, it is only him that can make the leap. I have to give myself the freedom to live, the freedom to love him even when he's activly hurting me. To show him that although he has these faults he is loved and safe. That I am not going anywhere. That I accept him, as he is, that I still see the man inside. That I still want him. I have spent so many years condeming him for this problem, saying that I would leave if I ever found it again. Saying he was sick, and that I was disgusted with him. I have spent so much time and energy blaming him for my unhappiness that I have created a hostile environment. One which didn't support healing on either side. That is what I am changing. No more accusations, no more blame, we are both guilty in the eyes of God and it's time to live like it! I am not really angry anymore, and I have God to thank for that... I've been praying so often lately. Short prayers, here and there blessing him for the life I have now, and thanking him for all the ways he has Graced my excistance. Begging him to restore my love for myself, honor me with a forgiving, respectful, and loving heart, and esspecially to help me see and love my H as he does. I have asked Our Lord to help me see the man he sees, to love as he would have a wife love her husband under God and his church. It is only thanks to God that my heart is begining to open. For the first time in so long I have been able to feel safe, to feel at peace. That I am doing what is right. Thank you Jesus for all your blessing, for your love. And many thanks to all my new friends here on TTF! I found such hope, confirmation, and understanding here the past few weeks ( I spent awhile just reading on here...), and I am so greatful to have found such a wonderful place to express some of the more difficult and challenging things durring this journey. Thank you.

SS

[vintageturtle]

I'm glad you brought up non-P romances -- that is something I have been pondering lately. I really think that our society's ideas about romantic love are, at least in part, unhealthy. The idea that there is one person, a soul mate, who you can be happy with, and you are only really happy if the happiness comes easily and without any work. The idea that romance stories end when the couple get married and live happily ever after. The idea that your happiness comes from a secure romantic relationship. Etc. I read an article about this recently, calling it "emotional P." It used Glee as an example, where right from the beginning, the viewer is being led to feel sympathy towards a man caught in a marriage with someone terrible. He is clearly in love with a sweet co-worker. The viewer is supposed to hope that he leaves his wife for the co-worker, and that then, they will both live happily ever after.

It's funny that as our society focuses more on "soul mate" style romances and the importance of love to happiness, our divorce rates are on the rise and people are delaying marriage longer and longer.

I would love to find some fiction that includes a healthy romance. And that isn't all about the meeting and falling in love part of it.

At times when I have been unhappy, I have spent a lot of time reading these unrealistic romances. And I'm always unhappier for it.

[SillySarah]

So true VT! I have been thinking the same thing for some time! Out society is so cought up in the "idea" of romance. There is very little notion given to the idea behind true romance. The kind that suffers without expecting a return. Focused on what WE get in return. It's sad really that so many are stuck thinking that marriage to our soul mate will MAKE us happy. No one can make us be happy, satisfied, or safe but ourselves and a deep relationship with God. I think it has a lot to do with our materialistic society and how we have this instant gratification deserving attitude the pervades most every aspect of our modern society. For one we all think we DESERVE to be happy! Really how many people die from starvation each day, are they happy? Why don't they also DESERVE to be happy? This idea that we always should have it easy is such a delusion. Life is about suffering, finding our way, and learning to rely on God in preparation to be with him. I truly believe that, but I havnt always lived it. That is something I plan to work on the rest of my life.