Been a Long time

[jay38112]

Hey all, I am back, I never really went anywhere just didnt have internet due to a catagory 4 cyclone. Anyway I hope all of you are well and still staying strong, I have many thanks to all who supported my last desperate thread, your words of encouragement and support meant a great deal to me. I thought that I would let you know bout whats been happening since I was last here, my partner agreed to get therapy as well as myself, we have both attended one session each so far and last night we attended a joint session which has had me up all bloody night. Apparently as far as the therapist is concerned there is nothing wrong with p**n and m**********g and I am the one with the problem, everything was directed at me which now has be seriously doubting myself. She appeared to make it a point to be very reassuring to my partner that there was nothing wrong with him and basically put it on me that I held firm and stated that I never felt like this before we met and that due to everything he has done I am now suppersensitive and that I dont want any porn whatsoever around me ever again, as now I detest it, so she told him to go home and think about if he can live without it and if so will he resent me for making him do so. If he decides that he can than she will work with him to try to do that because I have said no more... Ok so how does making me feel like crap even more about myself, help this situation??? I mean seriously is it only me that thinks its bizarre for someone to get himself off watching the fashion chanel, all the lying, sneaking around, broken promises, etc etc... What the Hell!!! Anyway right now I have spent all night in tears, staring at the walls, wanting just to die and now I am so bloody tired I just want to sleep for a month.. I dont know what will happen, cause now I feel like I have something wrong in my head cause apparently there is nothing wrong with him... I used to believe in proffessional help now I dont know what to think!

[JenMac]

Hi Jay!
This makes me so angry! Unbelievable! How can this still be happening within therapy circles today? Crazy!
No, Jay you are not crazy nor are you unrealistic! You are right on with your thoughts and feelings!
Time to get a new therapist!! And I really mean that! How dare she?
Jay, I had a similar experience with my counsellor. and it was a counsellor that I had a lot of respect for before this time. However she did not know what she was talking about. She was waaaay in the past when it came to PA. She did not disrespect me as yours has but she did let me know that she had put P in a place a long time before.
Well Jay that is not me, nor is it you! We know better!
YOu are not crazy Jay! You are ahead of your time! And you are smart, perceptive and you know what you can and cannot tolerate in your life!
Kick her *ss to the curb Jay! Seek out a new therapist that is qualified with PA. Nothing less is acceptable!
I am sorry you had to experience this Jay!
But I am glad you are back!
NIce to hear from you!!
Hugs!
Jenn

[jay38112]

Hey Jenn,
Thanks heaps for your support, I really appreciate it, I am not sure where you are but I am here in Australia, and when looking initially for a therapist, every time I explained the situation It was like they had no idea what I was talking about, and everyone I approached gave me the impression that it was not a big deal, and thats how I feel this therapist is treating it. I am fresh out of ideas! And if we went to a private therapist it would cost a fortune. This one is a sexual health therapist with the government. I also have the greatest fear that as we are seeing this one at the mo, and she appears to be in my partners favour and then we went to a therapist who knew what the heck they were dealing with he would maybe get resentful cause then it would appear that I was unhappy with this one just because she couldnt see things from my side. It is such a difficult situation cause it has been an enourmous step for my partner to even begin to accept therapy, and to actually go through with it, and to speak openly with a stranger who happens to be a female is amazing but I feel like we have one chance and now I am so scared that this idiot will destroy that and we will be back to miserable square one again.

[Charly22]

Wow, it's as though your post describe my exact same situation.

I don't think folks can really understand this specific problem until they've been through it themselves. Shoot, even I find myself having conversations in my head asking myself why do I have this problem? Why can't I just be ok with it? Ya know...I try to say "ok, he doesn't physcially abuse me, he is perfect in every way except for this problem". But folks don't see what we see. Folks don't see how your husband has went from this well rounded person, to this isolated, one track minded man who can't find pleasure in nothing but that. Who rushes through life, and everything done day to day is just a means to get to that next p session.

I would not encourage you to continue with this therapist.

Nothing is wrong in your head. It is society teaching everyone the its ok to look. It is a dangerous thing for men. And you are not alone, ok?

I bet if her husband took p use to extreme, and rejected her and rejected time with her in order to use p, I bet she would soon understand.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

I feel certain that if you went to a therapist and they knew nothing about why you were there and said the following, they would see it as a problem.

My H has no health issues, but he doesn't want to have sx with me. He avoids me and and if I initiate sx, he goes with it, but can't keep an erection. Also, I find money missing from time to time, and it has me worried. He disappears sometimes and refuses to go on family outings. He actually prefers not to leave the house and refuses to participate in family life. He doesn't talk to me and sometimes I think he doesn't even like me. He is impatient with the kids and lies to them to get out of doing things with them. He lies to me all the time and lies to my face when I catch him out. Even when he's caught, he manipulates me and makes me think I am crazy. We aren't really friends anymore. We just live in the same house. He has his own life that I am not a part of and he is happy to keep it that way. Sometimes when I have been gone for the day or he disappears for a while, then when I see him again, his mood is so different, its like he is another person. He rejects me in every way and I don't think I can go on.

What would a therapist think? Depression? Alcoholism? A mistress? Gambling addiction? Anger management issues?

But then when you say he is a PA, the therapist shrugs it off and says P is normal. What??? If the description above (my husband previously, not necessarily yours) fits the clinical description for a host of lifestyle behaviors/addictions, why is it all dismissed because the cause is PA?

Jay, find a new therapist. I really hope you can. Or talk to this one some more and find out what she would think of your personal situation if she didn't know the cause was P?

I hope things work out for you and your counselling and your husband of course.

[jay38112]

To all these wonderful friends for their replies to my thread, thankyou so much! Everything that I read is my life, isnt it strange that through something terrible strangers can share such familiar experiences and feel the same feelings of saddness and frustration. I wish that we could all meet up for coffee cry on each others shoulders, have a laugh and then go home knowing that this day was our special day cause today was the day that face to face we knew without any doubt that what we are going through was real, was something devastating and important, something hard and yet personal... We are all tremendous individuals, and lets all take a good look at ourselves because we are strong and we deserve happiness, respect, consideration and love in our lives. Today I want all of us to take one moment as hard as it will be to hold our heads up stand tall and know that what is happening is demorilising and character crushing, be we are still deserving, and we will live through it and come out the other end one way or another better people. As we will understand that one persons weakness and neglect will send us to a place where another person will see our strength and our beauty and their attraction will be one to admire. I am not a very religous person but in my heart I know that this is not what God planned or wants for any of us including our partners. I feel as if this time now is our modern Garden of Eden, and the tables have turned, and women have become objects, and men are confronted with temptation on a daily basis because society, demonstrates to them that admiring a womans beauty can only be achieved in a sexual manner. This is very sad because the act of love making between a couple, has now become just an act of sexual behaviour. How can we love ourselves if we are constantly challenged and left in doubt about how we look and how we rate on the scale of someone who continually is consumed by the maddness of desire for fantasies.. Stand tall my friends we are all in this together, I am thinking of you all and my heart goes out to all of us. xo

[rosie]

Jay, I am in Australia too (NSW) and can give you the details of my therapist who DOES NOT condone porn usage! He does sessions via webcam if you are not in NSW. The price is $100 per session but with a referral you get $80 back through medicare, so if this is affordable, please let me know. xxx

Furthermore, many people (including some dumb therapists) are cloaked by the normalising of pornography. You would probably find that said therapist has a stash of porn herself, probably in her office. :((

If it is a problem for you in your marriage/relationship, then it is a PROBLEM and how dare a therapist place her own opinions on what is and what is not a problem for YOU.

YOU are NOT the person here with the screwy head - your therapist is, so please, find another therapist and the first question you need to ask is WHAT ARE YOUR VIEWS ON PORN. If they say they think its harmless, run like the wind until you find another one.

Good luck and take care. x

[chasman62]

My H has no health issues, but he doesn't want to have sx with me. He avoids me and and if I initiate sx, he goes with it, but can't keep an erection. Also, I find money missing from time to time, and it has me worried. He disappears sometimes and refuses to go on family outings. He actually prefers not to leave the house and refuses to participate in family life. He doesn't talk to me and sometimes I think he doesn't even like me. He is impatient with the kids and lies to them to get out of doing things with them. He lies to me all the time and lies to my face when I catch him out. Even when he's caught, he manipulates me and makes me think I am crazy. We aren't really friends anymore. We just live in the same house. He has his own life that I am not a part of and he is happy to keep it that way. Sometimes when I have been gone for the day or he disappears for a while, then when I see him again, his mood is so different, its like he is another person. He rejects me in every way and I don't think I can go on.

Hammer..nail...head!! This is totally spot on. I know this really isn't the place to debate it but don't you think that it is the relationship dysfunction that is what you should approach the counsellor about. You don't need some self-professed 'expert' in sexual addiction to do that and if this counsellor isn't capable of working on those issues then they shouldn't be practicing.

The fact that it is (I assume) compulsive online p use that causes this dysfunction is of course important, but committing to work on improving your relationship and restoring what was once there is what (at least for me) was the secret to getting rid of the compulsive behavior.

It is getting the other party to recognize this 'monster' when they look in the mirror and being willing to confront it that is the hard part. Took me a long time to do it, but committing to self-improvement and restoring my marriage is what has helped me deal with the compulsion.