One step must start each journey

[forgotten_not]

I want to start a new journal to signify a new beginning.

My journaling on TTF began with "how do i make sense of this" on June 1st, 2010, but the incident that forever changed my life occurred 330 days ago, on March 11, 2010.. a week before St. Patrick’s Day.. a week before my husband & I found out I was a month & a half pregnant.. when the truth of my husband’s deceit & betrayals finally came to light & our all-consuming struggle began.

Now I know that those of you that have been following my posts know that I ended my 1st journal in a very low place. I realize that my decision to stay in this relationship after said abuse may lose me the respect & support of some or maybe even all of you. However, I’ve chosen to continue to blog here regardless as the support I found here through all of this chaos has been unbelievable.. even amazing.. & I really don’t think I could have gotten this far without all of your advice, concerns, & overwhelming support. I’ve been unlucky enough to not have friends or family close by to help me through this entire ordeal, but lucky enough to have found TTF & the lot of you. You have given me the courage & the boost to push to the surface & wade through this bottomless grave of quicksand that P & SA have created in the midst of my marriage. I think I’ve finally reached the other side & though I know the struggle isn’t over yet & probably never will be, I’m finally okay with that.

It’s been a long journey already, but I know in my heart that the worst of it is behind us now & am only looking forward to the progress & good days ahead.

---

These past two weeks have been rough, possibly the roughest yet as the resentment, anger, & exhaustion of our entire chaotic situation was at its absolute peak for the both of us.. & we’ve done & said the most wicked & heartless things to one another.. but after a great deal of soul searching at our lowest we have both acknowledged that things can no longer continue the way that they have been. I’ve come to the realization that I have played far more of a role in dragging this mess out than I was able or willing to allow myself to see.. I couldn’t let go of my resentments & the feeling that he ‘owed’ me.. I couldn’t see that I was only pushing him away & devastating any effort he wanted to make. We’ve established that we love & care about each other & don’t want things to be this way, that we don’t want to end our marriage, & that we need to find the tools to change our ways & the ugly direction we’ve been heading. I finally was able to see & admit to my fault in this & my ‘H’ at last found the desire to keep our love alive & agreed to marriage counseling.

Yesterday was our first genuine attempt to repair the damage done by both parties & begin the long healing process.. our first marriage counseling appointment together & it went better than I could have hoped. A lot is out in the air now & we have the tools & support of our counselor to move in a positive direction all-the-while learning more about ourselves & each other. I feel we can only strengthen our marriage from here & could not be happier to have my family together & to feel like a family for what seems like the first time.

I will no longer be writing in my original journal, but here, in this new journal, I will start to blog our new beginning.. our progress, my progress, my thoughts, highs & lows both.. I would love to continue to have your support & advice through this next phase of our journey.

Thank you everyone, for everything & thank you TTF for providing a place like this, for people like us to find solace & support from others struggling through similar situations. I can’t thank you enough for that.. thank you.

[Crisodian]

fn,
More than anything, I will echo that most here are simply glad you are safe.

It sounds like you both are finding a path towards healing. Your health, happiness, and safety are paramount. No matter what path you choose.

(bighug)

Peace,
~C~

[astander]

Hi there, so glad to hear from you, and to hear that things are looking up. I really hope that you continue counseling and keep everything out in the open, and keep the communication going. I completely agree that your health and safety are #1, so take care of yourself and your child, that is most important. Keep us posted!

[forgotten_not]

So much for progress.. Valentine's Day turned out to be pretty relaxing, just me & my H & lots of talking. I finally felt like we were on the same page & that he understands where I stand & that I've been on the verge of leaving him.. he made more, what seemed like genuine, promises.. & then it was back to P at 7am this morning while I slept alone in our marriage bed.

I never thought I'd feel more alone being married than I ever felt when I was single.

I feel so numb to everything.. I think it's time to take a huge step back & reassess where my life is headed.

[JenMac]

Hi forgotten.
So sorry you find yourself here. I am so sorry for your pain and for what this makes you feel.
I have no words of wisdom for you. Just wanted to know that I am thinking of you.
Remember to look after you at this time!
Hugs and prayers!
Jenn

[astander]

Hey FN. That sucks. What else is there to say? it just sucks. Just keep taking care of you and your baby. That's what you have control over.

[forgotten_not]

I feel like a maid.. a cook.. a babysitter.. a s*x object.. not his wife.

I'm tired of feeling like I don't matter, that what I'm feeling doesn't matter. Tired of having conversations & feeling like some things are resolved & that we're somewhat on the same page to only have everything unravel again a day or two later. Tired of being criticized & chastised & told to "shut the f**k up" or to "talk to someone who cares".. tired of feeling worthless. Tired of trying to do nice things, to try to make his day just a little less stressful, only to feel so unappreciated, that my efforts aren't good enough. Tired of losing sleep because of a teething baby & having to spend the rest of the day walking on eggshells around my husband afraid even my breathing will set him off. I'm tired of feeling resentful for the things he says & does.. or doesn't do. I'm tired of holding onto every word that comes out of his mouth hoping that this time there is follow-through, so that we might gain some trust back. Tired of waiting for him to act the man I need him to be.. to treat me with the love & respect I need.. to be thoughtful, hell even a little romantic.. maybe just to be the man I thought I married..

I'm tired of the rude actions, the comments that are meant to hurt, the hate in his voice when he addresses me, the disregard for my feelings, the lack of concern for anyone other than himself.. how can we be a couple, a family, if he's only looking out for him?

I'm tired. Sleep-deprived. Depressed. Hurt. Lonely. Numb. Sad.

I want to feel like a loving wife should, I want to feel loved, I want to feel like his wife.

Maybe he's right, I must be sick in the head.

This is not going to be a good day.

[JenMac]

Hi ForgottenNot!
So sorry that you are in this sad place! It seems that things are not getting better for you. Have you made any safety plans for yourself in all of this? Noone should have to live with abuse, either physical or emotional, in their lives and especially in the most important relationship that they have! You deserve to be able to feel safe, loved and respected in your marriage FN! That is the very least you should expect. I encourage you to put plans in place that will move you towards having that safe space in your life FN. Decide for yourself what you can put in place today to make you feel safe for yourself and your child.
I am thinking of you Forgotten! Please take care of yourself and do what is necessary to ensure your wellbeing and that of your little one.
Hugs!
Jenn

[forgotten_not]

So nothing is really getting any better.. it seems so long as I don't say a single word or voice my concern or opinion, do as I'm told when I'm told, & let my H do whatever it is he pleases whether it be screaming at our son when he's crying, looking at P during the night, trying to hide it, & then sleeping all day leaving me to take care of everything, taking the criticism & name calling, or even letting him threaten to kick my cats in the head as hard as he can (his words) for jumping the baby gate & getting upstairs....

How much can one person take before collapsing under all this weight?

I'm becoming so numb to everything, so used to the way he acts & the things he does.. it scares me to think this is how it might be for the rest of his life.

Who is this man I call my husband?
Why is he so angry, bitter, numb?
Why are his words so cold & cruel?
Why doesn't he want to be a better person? A better father & husband?
Why is he content to live this way?

Another day..

[Charly22]

Who is this man I call my husband?
Why is he so angry, bitter, numb?
Why are his words so cold & cruel?
Why doesn't he want to be a better person? A better father & husband?
Why is he content to live this way?

Who is this woman you call wife?
Why does she allow herself to be subjected to him being so angry, bitter, numb?
Why are her words all about him?
Why doesn't she want to live a better life?
Why is she content to live this way?