vee's journal

[veevee]

I am going to start at the begining in a couple of days but for today I just need to express my feelings.

There is this secret part of my heart..and I am sure that it is a very small part, in size anyway, because during the day it speaks in a whisper. But when the day is quiet and the distractions are done ..I hear it.

I can tell now that I hear it that it has been quietly repeating itself over and over since the day that I found out. It is crying, one of those deep I can't breath type of cries. You know the one.

It's voice speaks in a song that matches it's beating. And it seems to be knocking on the blood soaked walls..knocking for me to free it from it's painful prison.Here me!! Help me!! Free me!! It whispers.

I tell it..I am looking for the key..the answer to it's relief...But my mind tells it that it's release can only come with time. Time and time alone can soothe the grief of the death of loved one and my mind knows that the loved one it grieves for is the marriage that has now been burried under lies,deceit and broken vows.

I will go to bed...and be reminded that I still sleep on my side and his side is free and quite empty. I will shed some tears from my eyes of green until sleep catches me completely exhausted.

But my dreams will be piloted by it's whispering. I pray for the sound of the alarm and the bustling of life...to drown out the whispering of my painful heart.

[samski]

Vee,

I am truly sorry for what you are going through. Being the PA in my marriage, and the fact that my wife is the SO who is the one who has been damaged by my sins, I am grieved to see someone else who has been so damaged by another's selfish actions.

I pray that your husband wakes up and sees what he's losing, and begins to understand the cost of P and MB, that it's not just costing him, but all of those he has contact with, especially you.

[veevee]

Today something weird happened. I took a wrong turn and got completely lost. I tried to back track and turned a corner and ended up face to face with the first store my husband and I ever went to. I couldn't resist turning into the parking lot and getting out.

It was the first store we went to. it was a grocery store that had alot of good deals. We had 400.00 in our account for food and we had only been married for 3 days. WE climbed in our cheviot with our cash and headed out to fill OUR apartment with food. For some reason we never went back there after that first trip. Neither of us together or seperatly went back to that store.

I got out of my car and walked in. Oh my goodness, It smelled the same and I was 25 again. I grabbed a cart, just like we had 14 years ago. I wheeled it down the first aisle and saw the produce with I swear could have been the same banannas on the table today as then.

I gingerly touched them and thought of what it was like back them. Our excitement of starting our new life together. i remember laughing with him, our new love being expressed for everyone to see.

i continued on and everything was in the same place. I remembered down the cereal aisle my husband calling me MRS ***, and kissing me on the cheek and telling me how he loved the sound of that. i returned his love with a big hug.

Tears came to my eyes as I went down the frozen food aisle and remembered our teasing about what ice cream was best and how an ederly couple had walked by and we had smiled at each other saying I hope we love each other that much in 50 years.

I finally came to the end of my trip, today, and headed to the check out aisle and there was noone else in line. So I walked right up and the young man started ringing me up. He began to talk to me and his words were very disturbing as if....God was speaking thru him. I know that probably is not the case but here is what he said. along with 2 other men, that spoke to me that day.

"wow, lady, You are very very lucky. Do you know that in the whole 2 years I have been working here I have never not had a line. Noone has ever walked up here and not had to wait for another person before being able to go on there way. They have always had to wait for some other person ...to get their items on the belt, for me to ring them up, for a price check, and then sometimes people want to make exact change or they don't have enough money. But you, lady, you are the only one in line. Noone in front or back of you. You don't have to wait, you get to go on your way and get back to your life at your own pace(he was rambling at this point). You got somewhere special you are going? Cause this must be your lucky day.

At that point an old man came in and hollared at the check out boy these words" Hey son, tip of the day, if you do what is right then you get to be alright. If you aren't doing what is right for you then you are going to be left( he laughed at this point..but I also thought this was very pointed).

As I wheeled my groceries out to my car, I actually felt thrown back in time, It was if my husband was right there rushing ahead, leaving me behind, he walks faster than me. On my way another old man was in front of the door...trying to get his cart to work. It would not push and he says to me..this is the third cart I have tried and none of them are going...but..it looks like your cart has taken you right where you need to go and now you are going on your way so can I have your cart?

i said sure and I continued on to my car, when I got to my car, he was gone. So I emptied my groceries, all alone into my car and wheeled the good cart to the corral, all alone. I cried all the way home, all alone.

I am still all alone and will never go back to that store. It brought me some closure...an end of an era. I wonder if it is time for me to know that I need to be on my way...even if I have to go out it=(( all alone.

[veevee]

Thanks Samski,

I will be praying for you and your wife. Hang in there and keep the prayers coming my way also. I am in true need of them.

[rosie]

wow, lady, You are very very lucky. Do you know that in the whole 2 years I have been working here I have never not had a line. Noone has ever walked up here and not had to wait for another person before being able to go on there way. They have always had to wait for some other person ...to get their items on the belt, for me to ring them up, for a price check, and then sometimes people want to make exact change or they don't have enough money. But you, lady, you are the only one in line. Noone in front or back of you. You don't have to wait, you get to go on your way and get back to your life at your own pace(he was rambling at this point). You got somewhere special you are going? Cause this must be your lucky day.

At that point an old man came in and hollared at the check out boy these words" Hey son, tip of the day, if you do what is right then you get to be alright. If you aren't doing what is right for you then you are going to be left( he laughed at this point..but I also thought this was very pointed).

Wow, that is really cool. Doesn't matter if it was God or not, the message meant something to you and that is all that matters, take note I say ;)

Was really sad to read about your shopping trip. :( I remember my husband and I in the beginning.. wow, we couldn't get enough of eachother. Now we want to be away from eachother. Sad.

I love how you write Vee... please keep posting :)

[veevee]

Well my daughter and I came down with influenza B....actually 4 out of my 6 kids have this. I am so tired and my house is a mess. I reinjured my bad foot and can hardly walk. I have a doctors note to miss the next 2 days and so I called in work. But my boss is going to fire me and she said even if she can get HR to keep me on..I will no longer get my big promotion in March. This totally screws me.
My pa is highly upset and said I will be living in a cardboard box next month(they are takin our home, pretty soon). No sale date yet but soon enough. He claims I am very irresponsible and I feel like it.
Now I am going to be honest with all of you, running from job to job is typical for me. I love my job until people start talking about promotions and then I get sick and then I miss and then I say WTH...I screwed that up and then I quit. I have done it 3 times in my lifetime. I have quit just because I was overwhelmed with leaving the kids alone probably 3 other times.
I can't help it..I begin to freak out..I can't help but feel panicky and I have a serious phobia about driving on highways(i have absolutly no idea why...except maybe that my molester would come on road trips with us and utilize that time in the back of the van or camper). Anyway every time I quit because of the promotion it was because I got transfered out to a job where I had to drive on the highway. Like with this job. I came into work one day and my name was off the schedule...I was transfered without my approval to a store 40 minutes away. So now I have gotten myslef sick and now I am losing my job and now everyone around me thinks I am crazy for losing my job in this economy.
I am an absolute horrible person..what kind of horrible woman lets her kids down like this...what is wrong with me??? Why do I do this!! I tried to get into a counselor sooner because I felt it coming..I can literally feel it and I knew i needed some intervention but I could not get in any sooner than next week and now it is to late.
All of a sudden I have started food binging...I will go for days without eating (3 days) and then one day I can't stop eating...I have never done this in my life...what is going on?
I can't think, I keep forgetting and I find myself trying to control everything around me and the more I try the less anything gets done.
my father called me and told me that I needed to not talk to my mother about my marriage problems anymore because he is worried she is going to have a nervous break down. My sisters already abandoned me.
My mom called my pa and told him that he needs to go home and they worked out an arrangement where he will go to his mom's when I am at work and his mom(whom he just confessed everything to a couple of days ago)will be his police officer and watch him while I am away.
Well my mom is on cloud 9 and my hubby is feeling good. I told him I will need a couple of weeks to think on this and talk to the counselor about this and both of their response were" look you are failing, you are losing your job, losing your house, the house is a mess, you can't walk and the kids are going nuts so the best thing for everyone is for you to accept this"
this manipulation has got to stop...maybea this would work...maybea this would fix my marriage and maybea it would help the kids but I don't know...who's to say it is the best thing for me. I swear some days I feel I just can't go on...I will because I have 6 kids but somedays it seems impossible. ~X(

[rosie]

Vee, I am sorry things are so hard for you at the moment. I can relate to many things in your post.

Throughout my relationship with my HB, I went from someone who strived for success, to someone utterly crippled by it. If I had a great opportunity I would find myself sabotaging it - or, just becoming overwhelmed by the weight of everything in my life. My counsellor believed it was fear-related. Fear of being in a position of success because it would mean having to make the hard decisions and get my indepence and self esteem back. Sounds backward, doesn't it.

As for getting yourself sick though, Vee, you can't GET yourself sick with Influenza. Why do you blame yourself so much for these things?

Also, I am sorry to say this but the people surrounding you seem selfish. Your mother might have a nervous breakdown because of YOUR marriage problems, are you kidding me? Where is YOUR support from your parents? I really feel for you. My mother is exactly like this - cannot burden herself with anyone elses problems because that would mean she would need to be there for you and she is too self obsessed to even contemplate this.

Your husband has a hyde too. Putting you down for things falling apart...where is his responsibility in this?

You really need some positive friends V. What sort of mother 'allows' this to happen? A mum who has obviously lived a difficult life and one who is struggling at the moment - everybody struggles. Anyone who says they don't is full of it.

Your husband being in your home will not solve the problems, it sounds like rescuing... or maybe it is a genuine desire to help. Either way, it would be great for you to move toward a position where you don't have to rely on anyone else to help you get through. This will give you your life back.

You can get through this V. One step at a time. Putting one foot in front of the other. Your kids will be better for the character building experience and the knowledge that it's okay to struggle as an adult, but you keep picking yourself up and moving forward.. that's just how you do it.

Big hugs for you Vee. Everyone is here for you and will support you. Surround yourself with the support YOU need right now - anyone putting you down and telling you that your problems are too numerous to deal with are not healthy for you right now. VEE and the kids come first!

x

[JenMac]

Hey Vee!
I am so sorry for your difficult situation and the feelings of being overwhelmed that you are experiencing!
Vee, I have grown children and only myself to be concerned with throughout this trying time and for me it was completely overwhelming! I fell into a state of something that looked a lot like depression. If not for my H and his desire to try to make things right between us, I am not sure how I would have coped. He looked after almost everything for months. I cannot even imagine having to deal with everything that you have on your plate!
Go easy on yourself Vee! Look after the things that are most important first. Take time to make the decisions that are best for you. It won't all happen at once, it will take time for you to come to terms with what you need to do for your own wellbeing as well as your children's.
Check out this link Vee, you will find that a lot of us experience the same feelings of trauma that you are experiencing. You are not crazy Vee, or weak or a failure. You are dealing with a traumatic event in your life and your response is natural under the circumstances.

Trauma to SOs

Hope this helps to make you feel a little less alone!
Jenn

[veevee]

Well today my pa told me that he can't figure out what his triggers are because he wants to look all the time. I asked him if he has looked and I am telling you he lied to me...I saw it in his eyes. i asked him again and he said well....I searched quite a bit but was able to stop before actually clicking on the site. I said I thought you had a filter on all the computers and he said well...my computer keeps acting up and breaking so I have to turn it off and do a reformat(i think that is the word) which keeps unistalling his filter.
I said oh....then he went on to tell me that I am not taking blame for my part in his pa and marriage...which I told him I was going to counseling and one reason why is to see what my part was and how I enabled you and how my defects intereferred with a happy marriage. he proceeded to tell me that "it was not fair that he had to be the only one here that had to make amends...that if i wanted him to make amends I needed to start making amends also. He then proceeded to tell me I was being a poor mom because I bought the kids a punching bag and put it in a our "safe Zone" where the kids can go when very upset and kick,hit,punch, cuss or say what ever they needed to" in this safe zone I will not hold them accountable(only rule is no taking the Lord's name in vain) as long as they kept this acting out in the safe zone. he is very very angry about this.My kids are acting out with violence towards me and their siblings and I thought this might help.
Then he proceeded to tell me that he TOOK....STOLE a bottle of my pain meds and has been taking them. he also told me he needed them because he wasn't feeling good and it wasn't fair that I had something to get me high during this time(i have been on them so long that it doesn't make me high..thank goodness...I would get nothing done then). He also admitted to get very drunk on the weekends while he was at his mom's house with the kids....basically she is watching them ..thank goodness for her. I am shocked about the pills I told him that was not right and he is nto showing any actions to gain my trust. his reply was yeah i know...but I don't know what to tell you. I did not ask for them back..I should have but I wasn't sure what to do. I asked him about an accountability partner and he said he hasn't found one he could trust yet and I asked him about the 12 steps and he said his support group hasn't started that yet. I am not seeing any signs that he is ready to make any real changes and I can see that him coming home and working from his mom's while I am at work will not work..he knows how to get around her filter and it will make it easier to lie to me.
once again, I feel hurt but...for some reason I feel stronger and my gut is still leading me in the right direction. I am beginging to listen to it more and not reconcilling at this point doesn't seem so wrong.

[veevee]

The one thing that I am certain that happens when you are in love with a pa/sa/ma is that everyday your heart is going to get stabbed,cut and shattered. I just wish someone could please take this away from me..please give me mercy....please soothe my pain. PLease.

On a side note...i was doing laundry and twice I washed the same load of clothes and forgot the soap....where has my mind gone too.