Finch's Journal

[bluegoldfinch]

The first thing I can safely say is that I don't know what I'm doing.

I don't know what to do to be supportive, I don't know what to do to be normal, and it's very confusing.

While their seem to be a lot of younger PAs on here who are under 20, I don't think that there are many SOs. I'm not married to him or engaged, we're only dating. I don't want to break up, but I don't know what to do.

I feel very lost. He told me about this problem in December, before Christmas. I think that it's better, but I don't know. He's not accountable to me, I have to say something in order to check what's going on. I feel so distant. Most of our communication about this is online, through chat or emails, and then when I see him in real life I keep feeling like there's this elephant in the room that we're avoiding. I really wish I had the courage to drag it up and have an entire conversation dedicated to that, but I'm not sure if the awkwardness and distance is in my mind.

I know lately I've been snappy, depressed, having bad dreams about it, and general sadness or disappointment. I don't feel like a good person. It's not completely because of this- at the same time, I started college this semester and my grandfather whom I'm very close to is not doing well (stage IV prostate cancer). I cry over the silliest things. It's hard not having anyone to talk to. There's only him, I've initiated almost all those sorts of conversations, and I'm tired of doing so because I'm not sure that should be my job. I need that communication line to be open, though, and I'm not sure it's going to happen so much. I just refuse to bring it up again because I feel like a nag. His turn.

I'm trying to be a lot more positive. I've always thought of myself as happy, optimistic, smiling, laughing, etcetera, but lately I just can't seem to care. Everyday's a rollercoaster. I work myself up into manic happiness, only to have one small thing wreck me.

I'm sorry this isn't super long or eloquent, but I only just finished an essay for a class, and that's sapped me for now. I wanted to get something posted tonight.

Does anyone have any advice? It's not the same situation as most since I'm younger, we're not married....there's no sort of huge hold I have over the relationship, I guess.

I'm not sure if he's going to read this or not, but I'm going to write it as if he isn't.

[Cupcakemomma]

My Sista from another Mista!!!
You are not alone. My boyfriend and I are in a very similar situation.

[bluegoldfinch]

Haha, thank you!

I'm glad I put this journal up; he saw it and we talked a little last night and I went to bed feeling happy for once instead of bitter from an argument or discord. Then I woke up happy and had a generally good day. It helped that the first thing I discovered was that one of my favorite artists is going to be performing in Chicago in April, I just need to figure out how I'm going to get there and if I'll stay for the night or drive up and down.

It's just hard now because I'm staying at my grandparents and I'm not used to seeing my Poppop this weak and timid and pained. Not doing so well being here and can easily see why my mom isn't coping well. It's probably not going to be the best night, but hopefully tomorrow morning's going to be better. Discussed with my boyfriend on my being upset that he never really got to meet my Poppop and now he's not my Poppop any more. (He's just on so many drugs, it's not like "him" at all. I'm about to start crying typing this...)

I guess there's nothing super interesting today, but I still want to keep this updated for my own sanity. It's a little nerve-wracking to throw how I feel out into the open like this, but I do want to remain open!

[bluegoldfinch]

I decided this weekend after becoming completely stressed and waspish on Friday that I need to go to counselling just to have an hour of ranting and raving and mental healing. I've got too much on my mind. I feel really miserable.

1. I start applying for the summer job I've had the past two years. I know I'll get in, but the idea of work just makes me tired because I did it when I was 16, I did it when I was 17, and now I'll be doing it as I'm 18 as my family leaves for five weeks abroad. Last year I missed going out to California because of it too. It's depressing to think that I'm either locked into school or work and that's the way it gets to be the rest of my life. I really just wish money was no object and I could travel.
2. Classes are mostly great, but now I'm really starting to have a lot of work and I'm beginning to dislike (read: dread) my Eng 101 classes and Biology lab. Instant misery on Tuesdays/Thursdays, and not at all conducive to thinking positive.
3. Well, my grandfather, Poppop, isn't doing well at all. I'm trying to spend the night over there more because I know it means a lot to him, but the last time I was over he started crying when my great aunts called him about my second cousin's funeral....and I just had no idea what to do. He's on so many pain pills now that he's hardly lucid. He starts radiation treatment for pain in a few days, hopefully hopefully hopefully that helps.
4. Horrible nightmares the past few nights. I'm blaming it on stress, and then it causes more stress by ruining my sleep.
5. Tomorrow I'm super nervous because I find out whether or not my bf made a week. I hope he did, but I feel a little too emotionally spent lately to get worked up if he didn't. I have the iPod touch that I've been lending to him since it has the iRecovery program on it, but I don't know if he's been using it or not since I'm password locked out, or if he still wants it back.

Plenty to talk about with one of the university therapists, but I'm glad I have that sort of access since it's free. I'm really shy to talk about the whole p issue, but I know I should. When I call them tomorrow, I have to give an assessment of whatever issues are affecting me. I'll leave that out for over the phone, oh gosh...I'm shy about even saying things on here, it's easier if I embed it in with everything else in my life.

At least writing it all out in a list makes it all seem more manageable!

And at the same time, I keep telling myself to just focus on the positives. Right now bf is getting the second degree at the masonic lodge in town; I hope that goes well! Yesterday I had a great anti-Super Bowl party with friends. Classes were good today. I had ice cream. I'm over the flu. I might have plans tomorrow for lunch. Small things, but it lets me end the note with a smile! :)

[JenMac]

Hey Bluegoldfinch!
Welcome to TTF!
So sorry to hear about your grandfather! That is so hard to deal with I am sure, especially when you have been so close and you are living in the same house! It is hard for everyone when we watch someone we love suffer. So sorry for that!
You are right Bluegold. I am much older than you and that does make a difference. At your age, I was unable to talk about any of this s*x stuff, heck a year ago I had a hard time with it!
I am glad you are here BGF! I am glad you are journalling your feelings and getting them out there. I found that so helpful to me, just to be able to organize them and let them go a bit.
It seems that maybe your bf is here as well? If so, that means that this could be a good way to start that communication between the 2 of you. The communication you are having difficulty with may be more difficult because of your young age but believe me, it is difficult for most of us here too.
You are struggling with many things at the moment BGF, but you are so wise in seeking out support! And who knows, because you are dealing with this at such a young age, you may find that you become so much stronger and more able to deal with future difficulties in a healthy way!
All the best to you Bluegoldfinch!
Hoping you find the support you are looking for here and with your counsellor!
I am sending prayers for you and your grandfather!
Jenn

[bluegoldfinch]

Thanks JenMac! To clarify, I'm not living in the same house as my Poppop, thank goodness, but I'm very close. (Close enough that since he's having trouble getting up in the morning, Mom drives over to help him.) I don't think I'd be able to deal with that.

Journalling is good, it's just hard to remember and keep up! I called the counselling place on campus today and got an appointment set up for next Tuesday. I'm really nervous. I have to fill out a 4 page questionnaire to bring in that includes diet, exercise, family members....lots of places for check marks. I found out that they aren't just psychologists or counsellors, but I get to meet with a psychiatrist with a fancy medical degree. That's cool. I'm nervous because I said I'd be fine with meeting either gender and it is a guy and I'm not sure now...but that was the earliest spot available. I think I'll be all right.

Did NOT bring all this up over phone when they talked to me. I hesitated and told them I'd rather not over the line, but they were already fairly sympathetic after hearing about stress/cancer. They seem very nice in the office. Everyone generally is in the help places on campus, I love it.

Communication has been better I think. Yes, he's on here, but not recently and only to read what I'm writing, but maybe that opens things up? I don't know. In any case, from what I've heard things are going better with him. :) Not perfect by any means, but still a step forward, and that makes me hopeful. I got to see him today briefly too even though we were both studying and that was good.

[Charly22]

Communication has been better I think. Yes, he's on here, but not recently and only to read what I'm writing, but maybe that opens things up? I don't know. In any case, from what I've heard things are going better with him. :) Not perfect by any means, but still a step forward, and that makes me hopeful. I got to see him today briefly too even though we were both studying and that was good.

Glad that he is at least here reading. And glad that you have set up counseling. Please let us know how that goes.

[bluegoldfinch]

So, for the counselling on campus they make you fill out these evaluation sheets beforehand. I looked at it yesterday and starting checking off items, filling in blanks...seems like every possible ailment or problem was listed except pa, unless you wanted to argue that the 'unwanted sexual thoughts' counted for it. I'm really nervous about bringing it up with the psychiatrist because it's not the number one thing I want to talk about with him, I wanted to be able to focus on other things, and it's awkward. Filling out the form just felt very low for me. It's humbling to ask for help.

It's not the best of times. I've been quite harried with studying for an exam next week, which means, unfortunately, any Valentine's plans or getting to see bf in general have been constricted or postponed. C'est la vie, I suppose, but I would really just love a break. Could have done something tonight and I'm shooting my foot over it.

I wish I were more comfortable at asking him how he's doing with everything, but I'm not. I have one or two other questions as well, but I'm probably not going to say a thing. I only want a good week and I don't wan to ruin anything.

[bluegoldfinch]

Yesterday was good. Went with bf to grandparents, had lasagna. Good day with family; Poppop was doing well. He was making a lot of jokes and was really interested when he found out that my bf was a Mason. He just sparked. It was nice to see that level of interest in him. I was happy, it was warm, and it was honestly the best day I'd had in awhile.

Today was good up until 2:30. I had this plan....I was supposed to study all day, but I had planned to go over as a surprise with Chinese at 5. First the Chinese restaurant. was closed because it's Monday. So I made sandwiches, packed some snacks and chocolate, made a mini picnic the idea being we could watch this new movie in his basement. Then I realized he had his haircut and wouldn't be back...his phone was dead so I couldn't subtly check to see what was going on. I ended up eating leftovers at my house...at that point it was later, I wouldn't have been able to go over long enough for anything, I had nothing special left. I just studied. At least I have lunch and supper for tomorrow...it's my fault, I had remembered the hair cut, but I hadn't thought it would take that long and didn't consider they might go out to eat after...

I couldn't even focus on studying. I just felt tired, so I rested an hour before booting up my computer to talk to my bf. Ended up fighting. I said that i should go, I just wasn't up to it at all, he said he was going to go, so I left. Wrong move apparently....I just couldn't do it. I can't do it! I wouldn't be surprised if I get an email tomorrow saying we're over.

I feel like shit. I just do. I'm trying very hard not to be self pitying; I don't want to fall into a trap where I can't move beyond myself. I'm trying very hard to think positive, I'm trying very hard to move on and enjoy myself, but even when I'm having a good time I've just got this undercurrent like it's all going to fall completely apart. Saying you're going to enjoy time left with someone is not the same as being capable of doing it. I'm not trying to wallow, I feel badly for burdening other people with my problems (which is why I rarely say anything and have hardly talked to anyone other than my bf or sister- I worry about saying too much, being too depressing, etc.) and I really just want to disappear. It seems like every day there's some new problem too.

Can I please just extend yesterday by 24 hours, in slow motion? There's hardly anything I would change about Sunday except a few Grammy wins.

[bluegoldfinch]

So. Just came out of my counselling appointment and I feel a lot lighter. I did not end up talking about any of the relationship issues. They were sort of marked on the preliminary sheet, and I said I wasn't ready to say anything yet. He just had to ascertain that there wasn't abuse involved. And there isn't, he's affectionate, not hitting! xD There was still plenty to talk about.

Good news! It's not depression, it's adjustment disorder. Which still sounds all bad (he apologized at the word disorder, but that's textbook! :D) and I have no idea what it means, but I surprisingly feel a lot better having a psychiatrist tell me, you're right, you have no history of depression, this isn't normal, this is something else, and giving it a name. I think naming something makes it more manageable. I wonder if other people on the board feel the same way, SOs and RAs, that they knew there was a problem but it wasn't until they learned of pa that it suddenly makes more sense? There's a name. It's not as abstract.

Anyway, I really like him and I don't regret having a male counsellor as opposed to a female one at all. (I think it will be easier to talk about the pa stuff with him than it would a woman.) He doesn't speak slow, but you can hear him consider things as he says them, and he feels genuine as opposed to ones that seem like they care only because it's a job. We kind of talked around the things I didn't want to talk about and I asked if it would be okay for me to write it out and give it to him rather than verbally bring it up. I'll drop an email off in the next few days. I also have to journal for him too, if I want, and I think it will help.

So even though last night ended badly--I have a test in a few hours--I didn't talk about everything--I don't feel happy, necessarily, but I feel a lot more comfortable and at peace. That's good enough for right now.