BelieveInHope's Journal

[BelieveInHope]

Okay, 13 months since the first d-day and I never started a journal. I'm still not sure how I feel about it. Early on, H read a few of my posts on another forum and tailored his responses based on what he read. Saving the marriage was top priority for him the first 10 months, so he was not beyond using anything I wrote about my feelings or what I needed to try to manufactor that change in himself, when I really need his changes to be genuine and to come from within himself.

So I am hesitant still.

I also have two young kids--one a baby girl-- so while reading isn't hard while I'm nursing, typing is.

However, I do like how the wonderful people here read and respond to each other's journals. It really feels like a support group, something I can't really attend with my family responsibilities. I also am not a co-addict or co-dependant, so I am relunctant to go to a group where I have to state that I am.

Anyway, I was thinking I might find some of my old posts on other sites and repost them here at the beginning of my journal, so anyone who wants to know where H (Uplifted) and I are coming from has a semi-accurate history.

Here is my journey here in a nutshell: We've been married nine years, two kids, a boy and baby girl. I have been with my H since I was 16. We love to spend time together. He is and always has been 'my person'. Outside of the addiction, he is an excellent father, helps me around the house, does his own laundry without complaining, has a goofy, sarcastic sense of humor that matches mine, has always listened to my problems and offered support, always puts family first, enjoys spending time with us, never yells, is dependable, is laid back, easy-going, and even-tempered.

However, his addictive side is another story. I am able to find empathy and understanding for how his addiction developed. He has two extremely selfish parents who emotionally and physically neglected him, physically abandoned him at different periods in his life, and exposed him to toxic rage and shame. Emotions and feeings were not allowed to be expressed. He grew up in a home with very little physical touch, no praise, no affirmation, not even an "I love you" until he was an adult. He was exposed to his father's P collection at the age of six. His father openly talked about P and even left his kids sitting in the car of the parking lot of adult bookstores. He would rent his P videos right alongside the 'kiddie' movies for his young children. He openly ogled women, still does, and speaks of them in a demeaning, objectifying way. I can see how P was the addiction of choice for my H, the substance that was available to him to help him numb out the world and bury scary emotions.

Because of his addiction and his stunted emotional growth, he is not only the 'good guy' that I thought I was married to for 8 years. He was also a liar, a cheater, unfaithful, selfish, self-centered, resentful, immature, irresponsible, and undisciplined. He looked at hardcore P several times a week and mb'd daily. He lusted and fantasized about nearly every woman we saw between the ages of 16 and 55 who was average or higher on the 'attractiveness scale'. That's a lot of people. He lusted at work. He lusted at church. He lusted after my friends, very dear and close friends. He lusted after my sister. He lusted after his step-sister (they did not grow up together, but still--NO BOUNDARIES).

His P of choice was 'barely legal' 18-year-olds. This still terrifies me. If he had not been caught, could he have gone further down the rabbit hole?

For the first four months after d-day, I received information in a slow drip agony of lies, lies, and more lies, the truth given only when cornered and forced. In April of last year I was so sick of the lies I was close to leaving. He finally told me *nearly* everything, including that he had cheated on me while we were dating with a former girlfriend. They had sex, and he did not use a condom.

I forgave him. We moved on. He was supposed to tell me all urges, temptations, slips, and relapses. I understood these things would probably happen early in recovery. I simply needed the truth from him.

Very quickly he was doing 'fantastic' in recovery. Not only no slips, but no urges or temptations! This was hard to believe and yet he insisted it was true. This continued through six more months.

In October, I took the kids to visit family. He was alone for a week. The second I saw him on our return, I knew. Shame clung to him like an old coat. But there were more lies. Several days of lying, accusations, and tears. Finally it came out: He mb'd to a Victoria's Secret magazine within FIVE MINUTES of being home alone. He also mb'd to a video of us I'd stupidly left on the computer, and pics of teenage girls in bikinis on facebook.

His fantastic recovery hadn't been so fantastic. He honestly wanted to get better, I do believe this. But the temptations did not just go away when he wanted them too. He struggled. He gave in to looking/lusting, and felt full of shame and self-loathing. Instead of being honest and freeing himself of that shame, he let it eat him up inside and convinced himself he was a bad person and would never be able to stop looking. Of course, he was doing Recovery Nation at this time, which clearly explains the recovery process and that certain elements, such as scanning, will be a hard habit to break and that it takes time. But it was too much "WORK" to actually put all his effort into RN. He'd also mb'd several times over the last six months, including soon after our daughter was born and once at work.

He was in therapy, but they never talked about the addiction. The therapist never brought it up, and my H was happy to not be pushed or challenged. So almost a year of therapy and a year of recovery mostly wasted.

But maybe he had to go through all this to really get it. He seems to be doing really well these last few months, and my heart is hopeful, but it is so hard to truly believe after all the years of lies and deceit, even during recovery.

I do love him truly, madly, deeply. But we all know love is not always enough.

Well, it appears I've written a book. Kudos to anyone still reading!

[BelieveInHope]

Today was a pretty good day. I spent it with the kiddos and a good girlfriend of mine. Sadly, H's addiction taints everything. My H admitted to me in Oct. that he was physically attracted to my friend. Not just a 'lust object' like every other female we know, but he was attracted to her. I have been adament that I will not let his addiction keep me holed up in the house. I will not allow it to ruin my friendships. So I still see her. Whenever I look at her it is a battle in my heart and mind to choose not to think 'what's wrong with me?' 'what's so wonderful about her that he gave her his attention and attraction?' 'Is it because of her good skin, athletic body, ect. ect.?' 'I feel so ugly and worthless in her presence', yada yada yada. Nasty thoughts. Thoughts I don't want in my life.

It is also hard because my H sees her every day at work also. I have worked really hard at just shoving it out of my mind or I think it could drive me nuts. He says he has worked hard at not looking at her and not thinking of her, and that the physical attraction he feels towards her has waned from a 7 to a 1 or 2. Do I believe him? It is so hard to believe anything he says after all the lies and betrayals. However, not believing him will only torment my mind, so I've come to the place where I choose to take most of his words at face value. I believe in God and I believe that it will all come out in time. My eyes are open now, and if H is choosing yet again to sacrifice everything for his addiction, I will see the signs and symptoms. So far he appears to actually be working recovery right this time.

I need to work my healing right as well. Not just from the fallout of this addiction, but l must live my life according to the values and vision that I claim are important to me. I am worth it.

[BelieveInHope]

I worked out at the gym for the first time this week, since I was sick earlier in the week. Three guys said something to me, and one guy who works at the gym told me I was doing a good job and that I looked really good. Oh, he also said he had been watching me, then quickly added that he watched other people too. While the compliment is nice, it weirds me out a little because I don't really want people watching me while I work out. I just want to burn off some steam and get stronger and be by myself.

Compliments from other guys feel good for a few seconds, but then I usually feel crappy. I don't want the attention of other guys. All I've ever wanted is the full attention of one guy--my H. And that is what I've never had. And when he tells me I have his attention now, when he gives me compliments--it is so hard to believe him because of all the lies, both before d-day and after. He said these things during the 10 months he was still lusting and a/o as well. He was lying then, just a few short months ago. I would sob from the pain, and sometimes I would let him hold me while I was devastated, and yet he was still lying to my face. I think he still has no clue how much damage 'faking' his recovery the first time around has done to our relationship. Maybe permanent, I don't know.

I just do not believe that I am all he wants. I do not believe that he is 100% satisfied with me when he spent 20 years seeking the 'perfect body'. Well, guess what? I am flawed. I am real. I don't have a perfect body. I have a good one. I have taken care of myself, and a healthy, committed, faithful husband could be completely satisfied with me, I know. I know I am 'Good enough' for myself, for other men. The problem with PAs is no woman is good enough, ever.

So compliments from other guys really just make me sad and angry.

H said to me last night that he does not want to resume intimacy until I am at a healthy, happy weight for me, and I am no longer trying to 'look like' what he looked at. He said if it took six months or two years, he wanted to wait. I believe he meant it, in the moment. And it's alot for a PA to even say something like that. For backstory, I've said I do not want to resume s3x until I am as thin as the skinny girls he looked at.

I can't be 18. I can't be a hundred different girls in one night. I can't erase my stretch marks or any of my other flaws that are airbrushed away in p. But I can be thin.

I feel like I can't believe that he can truly desire me until I am as close to what he choose to look at as possible. It is his 'arousal template'. It's all he looked at and all he wanted. Saying he wants me to be at a 'healthy weight' is laughable because he really doesn't. He just knows he's supposed to say that.

I just read what I wrote above and it doesn't sound too healthy. I have worked on healing in many areas, but this is one I still struggle with. On another board I am on, many SOs have been in recovery for 3 or 4 years and they are still struggling with body issues, with feeling like they simply will never measure up. Maybe for some of us this is a permanent wound, like an amputation. Once the damage is done, it's done.

[Cupcakemomma]

Hey BiH,
After reading your post I just really wanted to reach out and say this to you:
None of us can be 18 or remove our stretch marks, and yes, if we all worked at it, we could be thinner or more toned.
The thing that struck me is that it appears you are trying to achieve that goal for the wrong reasons. It should be for YOU because you want it, not so you can try to compete.
I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, it is sent with nothing but understanding and concern,I've been there done that, bought a whole bunch of 1 size smaller t-shirts (Not that I can wear them LOL)

[JenMac]

I just read what I wrote above and it doesn't sound too healthy


HI Believe!
This statement stood out to me. I am so sorry you are struggling with your self worth and body image in relation to your H's P use. I know that is so easy to go there. I try not to do that to myself and for the most part I have succeeded.
You know I think people have it all wrong. I think people put too much emphasis on s*x and not enough on intimacy. It is rampant in our society!
The last time I discovered P in my home, 10 or so years ago, I tried to spice things up in our s*x life. I thought this would be a way to keep this from happening again. As you can see, it didn't work. This time I had no such thoughts. This time, as we have worked through our recovery and delved into months of healing our relationship, there has been a building of intimacy that has happened. I can tell you there is no better connection, s*xually or otherwise, that can come from baring your souls and opening up your hearts to each other. While s*x and org*sms, may deliver a high, a rush, true intimacy and lovemaking can bring a much more lasting feeling of connection, fulfillment and wellbeing! There is nothing quite like it! It is actually really hard to describe.
I can't compare or compete with the P industry. I don't want to either. I am who I am and I don't have to feel less because of what my H has chosen in the past. Difficult, yes but necessary for my own wellbeing that I am able to keep my thoughts/mind healthy for me. Hope you can come to this same place soon too Believe!
All the best!
Jenn

[BelieveInHope]

Thank you JenMac and Cupcake Mama for your replies. H and I talked again last night, and then I spent several hours tossing and turning and examining my thoughts and feelings.

I should have prefaced my previous post with the fact that I am a recovered anorexic/bulemic. I have been completely recovered for over 6 years. D-day brought some of the old thoughts screaming back, but I was able to defeat them. The dark thoughts I have been having lately I have not acted on. I haven't curbed my eating or increased my exercise routine at all. I have been doing good, really good, even after d-day and through this whole mess, I have stayed healthy. Certainly I have had dips in self-esteem and have had to work through the 'not good enough' disease that seems to afflict all SOs after discovery. So why has my mind tailspinned back towards that old mindset these last few days?

One thing, I know that post on the other board really got to me, where SOs 3-4 years into a good, strong recovery are still struggling with this. I felt hopeless. I felt like that was going to be me, too. That I would never believe H desired me and only me. And how depressing a thought that is.

And I let the old thoughts creep in. Eating disorders are not really about being thin. They are about control. Controlling the one thing you can, the number on the scale, when the really important things in your life are beyond your control. I can't control whether he recovers. I can't control whether our marriage makes it. I can't control whether he still wants and desires me. I can't control whether he lies. I can't control whether he shatters my faith in him again. I can't control whether he betrays me. But I am usually aware of these particular thougts and can manage them. So is there an area where I've been feeling especially out of control and vulnerable?

H has actually been doing well these last few months. I might be seeing some genuine changes. In a way, this frightens me. Dare I believe this time, after all the false times that broke my heart over and over, after the months of lying, of talking the recovery talk but not walking the walk? Can I handle getting my heart broken again?

H has been on a s3x detox for over 70 days and it has been wonderful. He has been so loving and affectionate, and for the first time in our entire marriage I know that it's not because he's hoping for s3x. He wants to snuggle. He wants to hug and hold hands. He wants to stroke my arms, back, face, and hair. He wants to cradle me in his arms. There is no 'hungry touch'. It has been amazing and it has been terrifying for me. I am being drawn back towards him and I am scared.


JenMac wrote: I can tell you there is no better connection, s*xually or otherwise, that can come from baring your souls and opening up your hearts to each other. While s*x and org*sms, may deliver a high, a rush, true intimacy and lovemaking can bring a much more lasting feeling of connection, fulfillment and wellbeing! There is nothing quite like it!

We were moving towards that kind of intimacy. And I am the one backing away. I am feeling vulnerable and out of control, so much so that I am shutting him out and pushing him away with my old addictive thought patterns. I wasn't just shutting him out, these last few days I have been shutting myself off from myself, hardening my heart, protecting myself from vulnerability with him.

The intimacy you describe JenMac isn't just frightening for a PA. After being hurt so many times by my H, it is frightening for me. Well, I am sure it is frightening for any SO who has been betrayed. You know the saying, 'trick me once, shame on you, trick me twice, shame on me'. I am terrified of letting down all defenses, letting him get closer than he's ever gotten, and then being stabbed in the heart. Because we've never had that kind of intimacy, s3xually or otherwise. What if I get a taste of it and then he rips it away? It is something I have longed for. Now that it could be within reach, I am too scared to pursue it. So I have been subconsciously sabatoging our relationship, regressing into self-destructive thought patterns because at least there I have some control. Even though it is a pitiful, pathetic kind of control. I recognize that.

Does this make sense? I want to talk to my H tonight, but I don't know if I can express this clearly. My thoughts and emotions are still pretty jumbled up.

[JenMac]

Hi Believe!
You describe this perfectly! Show this post to your H and he will understand. I have felt the same things you are worrying about. Of course we are going to feel that based on what we have just been through.
For me, I find I am able to move past those feelings most times by trusting in myself. Yes I would be devastated if I were to be hurt again but you know what? I am strong, I can trust myself to get through that too. I can't let myself spoil today worrying about tomorrow. You see there are many life lessons. I see them all around me. We have just recently lost a dear and close friend who left behind a wife who adored him. Bam. Gone. What if I don't allow myself to have those intimate moments with my H because I am afraid of being hurt and then something happens to one of us? What if by worrying about this, I don't allow myself to feel the happiness and connection we are forging and then something worse happens?
I say, if we can see our H's working hard toward recovery, if we can feel their committment, then seize the moment! Embrace the opportunity and foster that for all it is worth. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but by fostering that love and devotion today, we can inspire better things for the future.
I know, for me, if something happens to change that trust we are building, then I am strong enough to address it at the time. Yes, it will hurt like h*ll, but I know I will survive. I believe in my ability to look after myself. If nothing else, this experience has taught me that.
It is natural to feel vulnerable Believe. I just said the same thing to my H recently. By expressing our feelings/concerns with our Hs we can perhaps let them go a little. It helps to at least get them out there.
I love that you are seeing these expressions of love and tenderness from your H! It seems to be a very good sign! I am sorry you have struggled with anorexia in the past as I am sure this has exasperated the issue for you and would say that it seems you may be dealing with it in a very good way, that being the case. I only wanted to share my thoughts with you in hopes of giving you some ideas to help you along the way.
Seems you guys are on a good path Believe! Keep going strong. Try to fill your mind with positive thoughts and that will help reduce the fear and worry.
All the best Believe!
Wishing you well in your recovery!
Jenn

[BelieveInHope]

Thank you, JenMac. I know if I let my heart become hardened and bitter, I will protect myself from the pain but I will also lose out on all the joy, richness, beauty, and meaning of life as well.

I also wanted to say that I am not about to let his addiction cause me to fall back into old anorexic thoughts/behaviors. I was like a walking corpse then. I am a completely different person now. Free. Healthy. Happy. I do not want or value ANY aspect of that addiction. That is not who I am and I will fight against it with everything that I have.

I gave in a little for a few days to bitter, self-destructive thoughts, but I have brushed myself off and gotten back up. What is that saying? Fall down seven times. Get up eight.

Thank you JenMac and CupcakeMomma for the support.

[JenMac]

I gave in a little for a few days to bitter, self-destructive thoughts, but I have brushed myself off and gotten back up. What is that saying? Fall down seven times. Get up eight.

Wonderful Believe! That is all we can do! Pick ourselves up when we fall. Good for you! You are on the right track, for your own well being first and hopefully for your relationship as well!
All the best!
Jenn

[BelieveInHope]

We have been doing well the last few days. I have been doing well. Saturday night is the one day a week we will watch a tv show or rent a movie. We'll bring the mattress out to the living room, snuggle, and snack on a bar of dark chocolate. I love these times. I love the feeling of being wrapped in my H's arms. I love when he strokes my arm or rubs my back--and I know the only reason is because he wants to be close to me. Because of the detox, there is no questioning his motives, wondering if his touch is selfish yet again. Sunday night we'd tried to have some people over for the Superbowl, but it didn't work out. So we snuggled and ate chocolate while we watched. We stayed up too late, but it was very enjoyable.

I had asked him last week to schedule an STD test. Ten years ago, before we were married, H cheated on me with a former girlfriend. I did not discover this until one of the slow-drip disclosures after d-day. While I'm pretty sure we are both okay since there have been no signs or symptoms ever of any possible STD's, it would still make me feel better. Plus it would ease my mind that there has been no acting out in the flesh during our marriage. Of course, this is not proof, but it is still something.

H told me tonight that it is scheduled for next week. I hadn't brought it up since I initially asked, and I wasn't going to. So I'm glad he hasn't forgotten and has taken the initative.

I am planning what I want to do for Valentine's Day, which is always difficult when one is going through something like this. But I cannot write further about this since we have agreed its okay to read each other's journals. I do wonder what others are doing. Maybe I will post a question in the partner's forum.