Empty feeling

[mirlingirl]

Always knew my husband had a thing for internet porn but didn't realise just how much! Been suspicious for a long time and often confronted him with it, his reply....'loads of blokes do it, it's not a problem'.
Leaving me feeling guilty and cross with myself for being so suspicious and non-understanding.
But when you know he can't wait for you to get out of the house so he can get down to 'it', makes you feel lower than horse 'pucky'.

The light came on last Friday. He asked me to open a new email account that he wouldn't know the password to, then download a programme that will not let the computer accept access to 'those' websites.
Talk about gobsmacked!!! Don't know what the turning point was or what made him do it, but SO grateful he did.
So why do I still feel so suspicious????
I don't trust the programme to totally ban them from our computer. I'm sure there is another way he can get porn onto it. Must be. Can't see him giving up something that has been part of his daily life for over 30 years. Saying that makes me want to cry so badly.
Our computer is linked to our living room big screen tv, and very rarely do I get any privacy on it. Not even allowed to have a card game of patience!!!
Out at work Monday to Friday when he's here all the time on his own. He has the time to spend on here writing his journal but not me!!!!! He told me about this website and suggested I join for support, but don't know how I'm going to get any at this rate (he's gone to check something out at or friends house so listening for the car to return)
I just want to cry.
We are living abroad at the moment, so don't have my nearest and dearest handy. But saying that, how could I talk to them about this subject??? Hardly an over the mid-morning coffee subject!!! Did you see her down the roads new hairstyle, by the way my husband spends up to 6 hours a day looking up other women's chuffs and pleasuring himself. No I don't think so.
Still want to cry.
Both been married 3 times, thought I'd got it sorted this time. Should have known there would be something, my life has never been easy. Some people have such happy lives, and hope they continue to do so. Wow bit of self pity there. But then I think I deserve it. Perhaps if he'd been unfaithful with another woman and not just Pam (the Pam of his hand) then I could sort it out better in my head.

Well it certainly helps knowing I'm not the only woman going through this.
Does addiction ever happen to women? Think we're a bit more sensible somehow.

To all the women out there who have ever appeared in porn films... I hope you all suffer vaginal prolapses, genital herpes, haemorrhoids, genital warts and all other manner of nasty sexual diseases you deserve them.
Still feel like a good weep.

[FoolishMind]

Hey Mirlin Girl, and welcome to TTF.

Loads of blokes do it, its not a real problem

Every single PA on this site, and virtually 90% of men would agree to it. Sadly that is the society we live in, whether in the west or east, it is just becoming more acceptable. As a PA, this makes it very easy for us to turn the tables and make you start to question yourself, we start to knock your confidence, it really is a disgusting habit and brings out the worst characteristics in us. BUT...Yes there is a BUT, It can be turned around. There are many examples that back that up on this site. Ultimately to do that, the effort has to come from the PA himself. but there are things you can do to support yourself and your partner, so do make sure you fully gain the knowledge from members just like yourself so you are clear on whether or not your partner has really opened his eyes to this, or just making a half hearted attempt to please you.

You have to be very clever about this, as the mind of a PA can be truly cunning.

Also dont think negatively that other couples are so much happier, every single person on this planet has problems, some chose to solve them, but most majority take the easier options by running away from it, or ignoring it.

Communication is very important, so do make sure you talk to him about your feelings, if you cant do it directly, do it via this site, which then removes the emotional immediate reactions, this worked very well for me and my wife.

First step, gain the knowledge, and ascertain if he is serious or not, and then you can decide the next course of action.

FM

[Dominus]

Some people have such happy lives.

Correction, some people "seem" to have happy lives. Nobodys life/marriage/happiness is perfect.

I won't make excuses for your husband, but he is right on one point, loads of guys do look at it, the fact that he is looking for help is setting him above the majority of men who would never admit there is a problem.

A blocking program will help, I know computers but I cannot circumnavigate the K9 program installed on my computer, it is freely available. Just make sure he doesnt know the password or the email account. It has helped me no end.

However the real cure can only be found within, the blocking program helps takes away the actual porn, but he must do the rest. Agree rules between you. If you are going to work then you might consider unplugging and taking the router/modem with you as the temptation for him is going to be almost unbearable. think rehabilitating crack cocain addict with drugs kicking about the house.

Don't give up on him, if he wants to stop then he's worth pesevering with. Like yourself, in some ways he is a victim too, porn companies understand our minds and do anything to entrap us.

You are not alone, I won't lecture you as I am a man, done the same to my wife, and not qualified to advise you on your feelings, but many here are. feel free to sound off. You will find friends to talk too.

Cheers

Dominus

[Hopeful]

Hi mirlingirl,

I know that you are so distraught at this time but I find it amazing that your H has given you this site to come to for support. Even though you found out because he was asking you to put in a password and email address it means that he has realized how damaging P is...to you and himself.

This is going to be difficult for you so all I can say is welcome to TTF and that you certainly will gain a lot of strength and help from all of the members here. Posting how you are feeling really does make a difference, so I hope you can do it often. I am sure he would understand if you asked him to leave the room so you could.

[mirlingirl]

Thank you to all who have replied or read this!
Just trying to get throught this week really.
Good thing is, husband and I are talking about his addiction! He is so adamant that his 'viewing' days are over and our relationship is going to go from strength to strength because of it. Hope he means it too!!!
I had a bit of a blowout after I wrote the first post. Quite a few tears and felt very emotional. Partly due to feeling like I wasn't going mad and all my suspicions certainly had cause!!
End of lunch now, to be continued.............................

[mirlingirl]

So now into our second week of being open about his addiction. Still the old suspicions lurking in the back of my mind. Wonder how long before they disappear all together???? Perhaps never? Don't know, but live in hope.
We are talking which is good, hope he's being honest and I think he is.
He hasn't been a big talker in the past, and has tended to turn away from me when I want to discuss stuff, but this time is making much more of an effort. It helps when he reads this to be able to understand what's in my head! Can't always express myself totally and get tied in knots occasionally!
Well that's all for now, my jacket potato awaits!!! (not always eating...honest!!)

[JenMac]

So now into our second week of being open about his addiction. Still the old suspicions lurking in the back of my mind. Wonder how long before they disappear all together???? Perhaps never? Don't know, but live in hope.
We are talking which is good, hope he's being honest and I think he is.
He hasn't been a big talker in the past, and has tended to turn away from me when I want to discuss stuff, but this time is making much more of an effort. It helps when he reads this to be able to understand what's in my head! Can't always express myself totally and get tied in knots occasionally!
Well that's all for now, my jacket potato awaits!!! (not always eating...honest!!)

Hi Mirlingirl!
Welcome to TTF! I am glad you have found us!
Old suspicions lurking and you are wondering when they will go away. I am afraid to say that they won't go away anytime soon, nor should they. I have been here since March 2010 and I would say that I still feel vulnerable even though my H has committed fully to recovery. Unfortunately the shock of this betrayal takes a huge toll on us and it takes a long time to rebuild trust. Will it ever be the same? It can be better but I fear that it will never be complete trust again. That almost seems wise in a way. Feels like I need to protect my heart by being a little wary, a little less willing to trust completely. Seems a bit sad, doesn't it?
I am so glad that you and your H are talking about his addiction. That is so important! It is also so encouraging that he is seeking help for this of his own accord! I think that is a very good sign that he want to put this out of his life!
The hard work that it takes to get through this as a couple can be SO worth it Mirlingirl! I can tell you that your relationship can become so much stronger, closer and the growth that takes place through healing can make you feel more connected than you ever have before!
Keep opening up and communicating with your H Mirlingirl! That is the most important thing through all of this! The discomfort will lessen over time and you will be amazed at how honest and forthright you can become, given a little time and practice!
All the best!
Jenn

[mirlingirl]

Thank you Jenmac for your words of wisdom.
I know I wrote about how long does it take for the suspicians to go away, and I realise it won't for a long time!!
Whenever I arrive home the same feelings come flooding back. Shall I make a noise so that he can log off from what he was doing on the computer? Shall I creep in and try to catch him? Do I check the history browser bar to see what websites he's been viewing?
Confusing to say the least!!! He can't get into the porn sites now, K9 has seen to that. He really is making an effort to stay away from them, I have to trust him when he says that!! I'm so proud of him for managing to turn away from temptation, hope it continues!!!
Love him just that little bit more for all the effort he's made.

[Charly22]

Confusing doesn't do these feelings justice. Confusing is an understatement. So glad you are able to see his efforts and the love is flowing.

[mirlingirl]

Now 3 weeks into our 'recovery' together, life is good again!!
Still have nagging suspicions, but time, I hope, will make me switch them off.
Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read this, I'm sure I will write again when feeling insecure or concerned but for the time being signing out..........