Charly's RN Exercises

[Charly22]

My previous journal is two and half years worth of mostly chasing my tail. But I learned alot during that time. Most of it from everyone here at this website. I am certainly no zen master or nothing, but I have equipped myself with a deeper understanding of p addiction, s addiction, co-dependency, a deeper understanding of my weaknesses, and gained a bit more strength and ability to move forward and get this under my feet.

I learned alot about how and why my husband ended up with this type of addiction. I learned alot about how I contributed to that and helped it continue. I have been able to get my emotions under control, in order to be able to give this a simple and practical look, instead of letting it take me deep down into the abyss with it.

IT.

That's what I've come to call this addiction. IT. So, now when I talk to my husband, I don't say "you did this, or you caused that"....I say IT did this, IT is the reason.

My current challenge/goal: To stand on this new platform, this platform I've been standing on for the past year so, planted firmly, not moving, and allowing my husband to climb up there with me. And I have every reason to believe he is standing there with me. And I will be there with my hand extended to pull him back up if he ever slips.

But in the meantime, I have my own emotional healing to do. I want to learn, grow, understand. I have allowed this addiction to rule and change so much in my own personal life, and now that I'm on this new platform, it's time for me to polish and refine and relearn. I had allowed my friendships to fall away. I had been afraid to go do things on my own for fear of leaving him alone knowing he would take the opportunity to look at p. I've spent so much time worrying, obsessing, crying, and not enjoying life....and now that my husband is taking steps to get this under his feet..now I am left with the remnants that don't belong. He is doing the workshops at Recovery Nation and I want to participate with him on that.

So....with much shyness and hesitation...I am going to post my responses to the exercises found in the partners workshop at Recovery Nation. I hope this will help me "level up"......

Here goes.....

[Charly22]

1. Share your background in relation to discovery of the addiction:

I don’t feel like I had a “discovery”. I kinda always knew to a small extent that he watched p, or was very open minded towards sex. As a 15 year old when I first started dating him, this didn’t bother me. I tolerated and tried to please that part of him. I kinda was deceived by p myself, trying to be sexy, trying to be “like that”, cause I didn’t know any better.

Things escalated in the sexual arena ….mutually, some things went too far, and both of us always agreed “well, we’ll never do that again.” We both played with fire and both felt the burn, and both regretted all of the physical activities that we allowed to happen. So, lessons were learned about that. I carry a lot of shame for these activities, and damaged my own self, these were MY mistakes.

But the p always continued….I began to feel pressure to be more “hypersexual” like him. It all seems like a slow gradual thing, more than an all of a sudden discovery. P use increased, the internet became like gasoline on a small fire.

I became more jealous, bitter, hurt, betrayed, abandoned when it came to our sex and intimacy. I guess I can dig into that more later on, this is supposed to be about “discovery”.

The only thing in my mind relating to “discovery” is when I started resisting so much p use, and started disputing and questioning the “hyper sexual” things about him….and one day I got really mad and screamed “why do we keep coming back to this issue”….and he shared with me about his childhood and “trauma” that he had experienced. This helped me begin to understand, and I have been trying so hard ever since to turn this into a healthy relationship when it comes to sex…..I say “when it comes to sex”….because otherwise….he is truly my Knight in Shining Armor!

[Cupcakemomma]

OK, I didn't want to be the first to reply, because you didn't ask for any feedback and those RN lessons are TOUGH to talk through, but after reading your intro to your new journal I wanted to leave you this:

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. "
-Christopher Robin to Pooh

[Charly22]

Exercise #2 - Think about who you are, the life that you have led, and the life that you want to lead from this point forward:


I am a devoted wife. I am a loving daughter and sister, a caring Aunt. I am very emotionally sensitive. I am very self conscious. I am at a place that feels like everything is different, or maybe more like “time to turn the page.” I am not very social. I am old fashioned. I am not confident. I am feminine, yet tomboy too. I am middle aged. I am young at heart, some would say immature, but I am ok with that.

I used to be very athletic. I used to “create”. I used to draw, write, paint, enjoy making and creating anything. I used to be very social. I used to dance and sing. I used to feel confident. I used to be “unafraid”. I used to go to church. I used to trust people. I used to be gullable, naïve, innocent. I used to be forever optimistic.

I want to do yoga. I want to “want to” stop smoking. I want to be my husband’s dream come true. I want to have a job that feels fulfilling, that truly feels like I am helping people. I want to be better at not being so co-dependent. I want to be there for my mom, and be her friend, and not just a caretaker. I want to be my husband’s friend by not making him feel judged or controlled. I want to do more things with friends. I want to not form opinions so quick and easy. I want to stop picking my fingers. I want to garden. I want to go to church. I want to be optimistic. I want to be better at squashing negative emotions. I want to spend every day with my husband. I want to be better at cooking chicken. I want to WANT TO again!

[Charly22]

OK, I didn't want to be the first to reply, because you didn't ask for any feedback and those RN lessons are TOUGH to talk through, but after reading your intro to your new journal I wanted to leave you this:

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. "
-Christopher Robin to Pooh

I welcome feedback, especially some like this, that make me smile!

[JenMac]

Charly!
This is great! Lots of self reflection happening and that is really nice, isn't it? To think about ourselves for a change! To not just be worried about them and their journey but our own as well!
Charly, you may not know it yet, but anyone here knows how strong you are! You just need to catch up with us!
I know the feeling of letting this consume us! I know how it can take over our existance. I am often surprised by that still. I hope now that you are feeling some of that stability that you are able to feel safer now Charly and I hope those wants begin to happen for you again!
All the best!
Jenn

[Crisodian]

Charly, you may not know it yet, but anyone here knows how strong you are! You just need to catch up with us!

I'll DITTO! that sentiment from Jen.

Good for you Charly. We've all seen the strength and grace you possess. I know I have said it many times.

It's a beautiful thing you can see it too.

I'm so, so happy for you.

Find peace,
~C~

[Charly22]

. And I will be there with my hand extended to pull him back up if he ever slips.

These "words" are stuck in my throat. It is my nature to be that loving, that forgiving, that understanding, knowing that I can't just throw him away.

But I am struggling with the fact that I am able to speak those words. It's as though I want to believe that, but I don't want him to know that. I haven't told him these words. But I know how devastated I will be if he keeps falling. I've watched him treat this so carelessly for so long now. It is only these past few months or so that he is taking this seriously. Maybe the fact that he is taking things seriously, allows me to know he understands a bit better now, and won't take advantage of my undying love.

I still haven't got this worked out in my head. I know that if he were to relapse, I would crash harder and harder every time it might happen. I am very fragile in this subject and I know that if I had to experience it again....it will push me further and further away. I've ALREADY forgiven so many times. The hurt that it would crack open would send me running, I would have to get away to protect my heart from what has been this ongoing continual death. Ugh....I see the abyss.....I want to step away!

[Charly22]

the life that you want to lead from this point forward:

I want to be free from worry and anxiety about our intimate relationship. I want to be certain in my heart that my husband cannot be tempted and has built himself up with armor that has my name all over it.

I want to feel like I am free to be who I want to be when it comes to sex and intimacy. I want to feel proud of what I have to offer. I want to feel like I am enough. More than enough.

I want to not be afraid that if I try to be sexy for him, I don't want to fear that it will trigger him into wanting to search seek look for more.

I want him to approach me with Love/Purity/Tenderness first...the rest will follow. I don't want to be approached with lust.

I want our intimacy to flourish and grow. I want romance. I want friendship. I want connection.

I want to live in the country with him, away from the city.

I want to wear aprons and make lemonade while he works hard and sweats and I can carry him a glass of lemonade and then hang laundry on clotheslines and pet the dog and bake pies and put them in window sills...ok...I'm getting carried away......

[Cupcakemomma]

OH CHARLY!!!!!!!!!!! You really are braver than you believe and stronger than you seem. >:D< >:D< >:D<