To Die or to Live

[jay38112]

Yes I am back, and I know that you all new I would be, funny thing is I knew that I would be! Well here I am back where I started. The all time LOW! Where to begin? Where to End? Here I am in Love with a man that Loves me but is addicted to you know what which makes my life and myself a living hell! I am ANGRY as HELL! Once again after all the promises and the kisses and I love you's I sprung him again.... And once again It made me hurt enough, angry enough, compentant enough to leave. Even went to the resort of calling on another man who is wants me to be his partner to ask to lend money to get out of here, which mind you I would never do... beg for money or help!!!! And of course he said YES! Here I am with everyone telling me to be on my way! And yet here I am camped out in a caravan in the Driveway...Not knowing what to do, where to go, who to tell! Limbo!!!! The sad thing is that now I am doubting myself! Is it me with the prob? I mean this man treats me like a queen! I never want for anything! He has saved me to many times to count! Ca nt I just put up with his addiction???? Am I prude! Am I obsessed with his problem cause it makes me feel less of a woman.... Am I really making to much of something because of the way it makes me feel????? I have nothing!!!! And dont get me wrong its not the material things I am talking about! Sure there are a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, financial stabilaty.... And right now if I leave I wont even have that.... I one year leave aside the life time of black holes I have endured, I have lost everything.... But most of all the love of my life! My angel, my best friend... My son and I have never asked for help in my life and god knows I need somone now and the one person I thought would help me through my grief has left me to suffer in silence while w*****g himself off to P**n...Lying, decieving and all the rest of it..... I want out of this life cause truly if someone can do that to the most broken hearted then there is not much use being around.... There is more peace to be found where my boy is....

[JenMac]

Hi Jay!
I am so, so sorry for your heartbreak! There are no words that can adequately express what I would like to say to you! You are in a sad, sad place.
This is not you! This is not you making too much of something! We can't just accept this in the hopes that will make it all better because it won't get better for you or him.
I am glad you are back Jay! You are in the right place to find all of us who know what you are feeling in terms of this addiction. We know all of the doubts, anger, pain, sadness that comes along with this. I have not experienced the other tremendous loss in your life but I know it must be extremely difficult for you. I am so sorry for that!
Please keep coming here. You will be able to get support here, you will feel heard here! Being here will help you to get those feelings of despair out and hopefully dealt with.
Jay I know you are feeling so alone in this, is there anyone you can reach out to in your life? Is there a counsellor, a friend, a spiritual person? I think you may need that at this moment!
Just know that we are here for you Jay! I hope this makes you feel a little less alone. I know it did for me!
Hugs Jay!
Jenn

[NewHope10]

Hi Jay...

I'm so sorry you find yourelf back here - but am pleased you did. This is one place where I hope you find some comfort and support - and know that you are not alone.

I don't have anything more to add to what Jenn said so wonderfully above.

My heart goes out to you Jay...

[jay38112]

We can only be who we are and if who we are isnt good enough for the world then whats the sense in being in it....

[NewHope10]

Jay...I can see that you are feeling at your lowest.

Jenn asked earlier above: is there anyone you can reach out to in your life? Is there a counsellor, a friend, a spiritual person?

I applaud you for coming here, but it seems like you are at a point where you may need someone else to help bring you out of the pit you feel like you are trapped in.

My belief is that we are all here for a reason. We are at this point in time - whether it be up or down - for a reason. We may not know the reason now...but down the road it will become apparent.

I don't know what to say, Jay - except if you are a believer...call out to God for help. I pray that He sends someone to you to help you through this trial...whether that be a counsellor, a friend...a spiritual person.

Reach out, Jay...just as you are doing here. My prayers go out to you...

[JenMac]

HI Jay!
Who we are needs only to be good enough for ourselves Jay. And while you may not be feeling that at this moment, that can come by looking after yourself through this difficult time. Recognize that where you are now is not where you will be in a week from now, a month from now. You can build a strength Jay but you may need assistance to do so. Do what is best for you Jay! Look after you! Reach out! It can even be by phone if that is what you have available. I am glad you started here but your level of despair may call for more at this time!
Do this for you Jay!
...thinking of you...
Jenn

[JenMac]

HI Jay!
There is a sticky thread in the General forum that lists some hotlines for you. As I haven't yet mastered how to post a link, I am pasting it here for you! While TTF can be an awesome resource I feel you are needing more than just what we are able to give to you at this time. Please seek out support to help you through this!


Crisis Hotlines - 09-08-2010, 04:37 PM

This is National Suicide Prevention Week. More than 5 million people in the U.S. alone have been directly affected by suicide. Help IS available.

Please, if you or someone you love is in crisis, call one of the numbers or visit the website below.

United States
HopeLine: 1-800-784-2433
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline : 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
There are also state and regional numbers available. Visit befrienders.org for more information.

Canada
Kids Helpline: 1-800-668-6868 (English and French)
Provincial and regional numbers are available. Visit befrienders.org for more information.

UK/ Northern Ireland/Republic of Ireland
Samaritans
08457 90 90 90 in the UK and Northern Ireland
1850 60 90 90 in the Republic of Ireland

There is also a group called befrienders, which operates helplines in more than 40 different countries and in many different languages. If you would prefer to speak in a language other than English (or French, in the case of Kids Helpline), or if you live in a country not listed, please visit the befrienders. Their website is located at Befrienders Worldwide . It's worth a visit and a bookmark.

If you feel that you will do yourself or another person harm, please call your local emergency number or go to your local hospital.


Everyone in here has felt crisis at one time or another. If that crisis is overwhelming-- please get help. I can confidently say that I speak for everyone here when I say that we all want you to be safe.



You, yes YOU, whether a PA, a SA, or a SO, are a person of infinite worth and value. You have power far beyond what you know, and strength in abundance. You might not feel like it right now.... but it's true.



Hope you will seek out the help you need Jay! We all want the best for you!

Jenn　
　

[rosie]

Jay nothing is as bad as it seems. When we are in the middle of something we can often not see a way out, but there always is a way out of pain and heartbreak.

Thinking of you Jay. Please reach out to TTF, we are here for you.

[muralmom]

I want out of this life cause truly if someone can do that to the most broken hearted then there is not much use being around....

You are a beautiful person and a gift to so many people in your life and have yet to be in others lives so don't jip them of that. I have struggled with this thought too. It makes me think of an old song by Don Mclean about Vincent Vangogh "this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you" ...this plays over and over in my head when I'm low. I love myself but can't seem to take the hurt and the "why" of the hurt...when I'm a good person. I don't want to end my life, I want a new one without the hurt. I'm hoping that this is how you feel too.

your pain really spoke to me, I'll read on and see how you are doing and I'll say a prayer for you and all of us who are good and decent and need love. Please post and let us know you are okay.