Misty's Journal

[Misty_77]

I'm actually going to try this journal thing. Hopefully I will feel a little better
when I'm done. So, here goes nothing...

I was married to my first husband, a month before my 18th birthday. 7 months later,
I gave birth to our first baby. Needless to say, I jumped right into adulthood. We
had 3 children together. Our marriage wasn't all bad, but it wasn't the best...he
was a PA. I learned all the signs- I knew when he had looked, I knew when he was
lying and sneaking around. No matter how much I cried, 'nagged', or told him how
much it hurt me--he still turned to P, which led to other things as well. He wanted
to "swing" and there was no way I was going for that. So he cheated. We were
married for almost 13 years because I didn't want my kids to have a broken family.
My whole reason for staying with him was FOR MY KIDS. And that back-fired on me.
When my middle child (my daughter) was 8 years old, her father molested her. I
don't care what anyone says- I honestly believe if P hadn't been in his life, he
NEVER would have done that. But think about it. All those pictures of girls who are
"barely legal" and women with their hair in pig tails and the ones in the little
school girl outfits. WHY would someone get excited by someone looking like a CHILD?
It literally makes me sick to my stomach. I'm NOT saying that everyone who looks at
porn will become a child molester, but I hope every PA keeps in mind, that P is an
evil that can cause people to do things they never would have. Take Ted Bundy for
instance. If you've never read about his last interview...I advise it. It's scary,
what things P can lead to! (Oh and btw, I of course left my ex husband and took my
baby girl to a dr as soon as she told me. My ex husband was sentenced to 20 years
in prison and must serve every day of that sentence.)

That was THE hardest time of my entire life. I can't even begin to express how I
felt. I swore I'd never trust another man and would stay single til I died. Then I
met my current husband. I was honest with him from the beginning, telling him what
I had been through in my 1st marriage, what had happened to my sweet little girl,
and even asked him if he was into P. He knew how I felt about it. We married and
have been married almost 3 years now. I've tried to help him with his PA, but we've
come to the point where this is HIS fight, not mine. I have healing of my own to
do. I support him, still. I truly want the best for him. I want him to change
because he WANTS to...because it's the right thing to do, because he needs to rid
himself of this addiction so that he can be whole. Please let me add, that I'm not
bashing my husband in any shape or form. I love him and want him well. By no means
have I been perfect. We all have flaws and I have no trouble admitting my downfalls.
We've had issues, like any other married couple. But, this one issue is not something I
can deal with again. Last time I chose to ignore it, and my child had to suffer.

Now, we've been separated for a month and we just started a 30-day-period of no
communication. It's not easy. I am so used to being able to talk to him. But I think we
both need this, in order to heal and get our thoughts straight. My emotions are such
chaos, I am in no condition to make any decisions right now. This is only the beginning of
our REAL journey together. Let's hope there's a bright future ahead.

[NewHope10]

Hi there, Misty...

I'm pleased that you have started a journal! I hope this helps you in your recovery journey.

You have been through so much. Thank you for sharing some of your story. It may have been difficult for you - but it took strength and great courage!

I'm NOT saying that everyone who looks at porn will become a child molester, but I hope every PA keeps in mind, that P is an evil that can cause people to do things they never would have.

The one thing I've learned is that PA is a progressive disease. The addict starts out at viewing a certain level of P and as time goes on, they need more of a "fix". I know it took my H to places I don't think he ever thought he'd go (I actually didn't think he would go to some of those places). Who knows where it would have led?

He knew how I felt about it.

I can relate. Before I met my current H - I was married to someone else. One day I discovered that he had been on dating websites for a year+ (among other things). My current H knew this from the get-go. He knew how it broke my heart and yet...here were are today.

By no means have I been perfect. We all have flaws and I have no trouble admitting my downfalls.

Good for you, Misty! For you to recognize this and admit it - well...you are well on your way! For so long I had been pointing my finger at my H for all our troubles. It is only recently that I am looking at myself to discover what part I have played. Its very humbling.

Now, we've been separated for a month and we just started a 30-day-period of no communication. It's not easy. I am so used to being able to talk to him. But I think we both need this, in order to heal and get our thoughts straight. My emotions are such chaos, I am in no condition to make any decisions right now. This is only the beginning of our REAL journey together. Let's hope there's a bright future ahead.

This also takes great courage! I am so impressed at what you are doing and the decisions you have made (even if the decision is making no decision at all).

My thoughts are with you, Misty. Like I said in your intro...keep coming back!

Hoping you find peace today...>:D<

[rosie]

Oh God Misty. You have been through a lot. *HUGEST HUGS TO YOU* my friend.

Why do we attract these PA's?

My story goes a little like yours...I met my first partner at 17, child at 18, another at 20. He was a serial cheater. I stayed for the kids until my 2nd was sick. He was so out of tune with the family. My son needed specialist help and in my 3 weeks of researching specialists without sleep... i begged him for help. He turned to me and said "He's your son, deal with it". Hmm! Deal with it I did. I for some reason, didn't value myself..but when he turned away from my son, that was it.

I met my current husband a year later. He promised he wasn't into P and all that jazz and that cheaters were jerks. One child and 10 years later, look where I am. Same crap. Different guy. What the hell?

Anyway.. sorry for clogging your journal with my life story..just wanted to say you are not alone Misty. As for the limits that P/etc takes a person? I only know too well. My husband has been like a train smash in motion since I met him. He has gone to...horrid places.

Chin up Misty..you are among friends here. Share all you like, we will be here supporting you and cheering you along.

xxx

[Hopeful59]

Misty

Hang in there! I hope things get easier for you and hopefully you will be able to move forward with YOUR life and what's best for you and your kids. I've read so many journals on this site that I'm convinced that life with a porn addict is no life at all - everyone suffers!

[JenMac]

Hey Misty!
So glad you have decided to start a journal!
You are in the right place Misty. There are many here who will support you along the way!
There is no doubt that this is so very hard Misty! It is a continuing journey for all of us. I often tell people that it is a decision to decide to make no decision at this time. That is in fact very wise of you! You need to take time to heal and to recover some sense of balance in all of this before making any big decisions.
You have made choices at this time that you feel are necessary for you in your healing and feelings of safety and that is so wise. You need to look out for yourself first in all of this, and of course your children.
I am happy to see that your H is here and working so hard on his own recovery as well. That is a positive sign! I am wishing both of you well on healing from this difficult place in your lives!
Come here often Misty! It can be an important part of your healing! I know for me it was/is a Godsend!
Hugs to you!
Jenn

[Misty_77]

I appreciate the encouragement. Since I've been a member here, I've been on this site every day. And normally, I rarely even turn my laptop on. But it has really helped to read everyone's posts on here. I'm glad to be here and I'm thankful for TTF and all it's members.

It's the weekend, which means no work. This makes my days soo long. I've usually got my nose in a book (I love reading), but lately I don't even feel like picking up a book. My thoughts are so conflicting and my emotions are up and down. I haven't given up hope. It's hard to just throw away something that you've worked so hard on. And you can't just stop loving someone. Besides, my kids love him too. My youngest 2 call him Daddy. I think this is all confusing to them, but they are respectful enough to not ask a lot of questions. But I know one thing for sure...I do NOT want my kids to grow up with porn in our home. No matter how sneaky or careful they (PA's) are, ONE slip up could give those innocent kids a quick glimpse of something that could easily lead them down the same path. Like Rosie was saying- I, for some reason, may not value myself...but when it comes to my kids, I will do my best for them. It's my job to nurture and protect them.

[Misty_77]

52 views of my journal and only 5 replies. Wait, one of those were mine...so only 4 replies. I had a feeling people wouldn't like some of the things I had to say. But that's okay. This journal is part of my healing process. I've always found comfort in writing- mostly poems, sometimes just my feelings.

My husband and I (as we said before) have been married almost 3 years- this May. Most of that time, my husband worked offshore. He would be gone for 28 days and home for 14 days. There were pros and cons to that way of living. We were used to going days, even weeks without talking because if he was out too far, we couldn't even text. It was hard to not at least be able to communicate with him...but NOTHING like the last 4 days. HAS IT ONLY BEEN 4 DAYS??? *sigh* 26 more to go...

I still believe this 30 days of no communicating is a great plan, though. And, it helps that we're both part of TTF and can at least read about each other's progress. I've been spending a lot of time on TTF, reading and learning all that I can. I've done a lot of praying and a lot of soul searching. I need to find a way to answer this one question: Who am I? I know who I am for everyone I love, but for myself...WHO AM I?

Also, I'm learning to focus more on my own issues- I want to be more aware of my own faults, working through my own pain and fixing MYSELF. That's a huge job in itself. One day at a time, I can do this.

[rosie]

Don't sweat it Misty-girl. I think there are many people who lurk on here and who don't post. (Hi there lurkers!!)

Oooh your husband is here... got some investigating to do hehehe..

30 days of no communicating is a great idea Misty. So long as he's working on himself too...and not using it for dubious reasons. If he is posting and working on his recovery then it will be great.

You need your space. Need to work on your own boundaries. Need to posts lots and keep Rosie company on TTF. o:-)

Now, Misty. Have you got a plan for YOURSELF? What sort of pampering is on the menu for you each day? Nails? Hair do? Book? Cooking? Gardening? What do you love doing Misty? Let's get into the self-loving a bit hey? It's your job to nurture and protect your kids, but who is nurturing Misty?

[JenMac]

Hey Misty!
This is the most important thing you can do right now - looking after yourself, healing for yourself, getting in touch with yourself!
You are so smart to do that very thing! It takes a long time for us to really know what we are feeling, what we are thinking and how all of this affects us. And because of your past experiences you have a lot to figure out. It all takes time Misty! And you can set that time any way you decide to!
I am glad you are here! This is the best place to learn and grow from this time in your life! Let us all help each other along the way! I hope you feel that too Misty!
Don't worry about how many people have viewed your journal. It is not a reflection on how they feel about it! You will get many answers over time!
All the best!
Jenn

[Misty_77]

Oh Rosie, how I adore you already! You always make me smile. Pampering myself? That's something I pretty much never do. I feel guilty when I do that. I always put everyone else before myself. And I know that's not exactly healthy. I know I have to take care of ME too. It's another thing I need to learn.

I haven't developed a master plan yet...You honestly want to know how I've been spending my days? Other than work, taking care of my kids, praying, and the soul searching (which most of the time, turns into beating myself up)? I've mostly been feeling feeling sorry for myself. I have a long ways to go, so I can heal from this.

BUT! I'm working on it!