Not all Roses. My own Journey.

[rosie]

.......................

[JenMac]

HI Rosie!
Welcome to TTF!
Your post is heartbreaking! Very hard to hear how much you have suffered through your H's addiction.
You are in the right place! There are many here who have experienced all of the same feelings you are feeling. It doesn't make it any easier, I know, but it does make us feel less alone.
I am an SO here who joined last April. TTF has been a huge part of my recovery. My H is also on this site and we are working on recovery together. We have come a long way. But when I joined, I was feeling so many of the same things you are feeling.
I liken it to grief and yes, I think we experience a period of mourning.
Like you, I never expected to be in this place in my relationship. I had been married over 30 years to the love of my life, my best friend. And no, I had never ever considered divorce either.
But I knew upon discovery of this intrusion in my life, what I could and could not live with. I knew that I did not feel safe in my relationship when this was a part of it. I set my boundaries and expectations accordingly. My H knew right away what those were and he believes that was very helpful in his recovery.
My H and I have grown children so I did not have that to contend with when I was making decisions. I understand how you can feel torn because of your children but at this point in time, it is important that you look after yourself first. Healing for yourself will only help your children!
It sounds to me that you are reaching a bottom of your own. Life is too short to live with all of these feelings of despair! You deserve better and so do your children.
By being here, I hope you can get your feelings out, that you can feel heard, that you can feel stronger. You need to be able to make decisions that are in your own best interest, that foster your health and wellbeing.
It is suggested that you write a letter to your H expressing your thoughts and feelings in detail. I found this to be very helpful in our situation and I would recommend it. There is a lot of power in the written word!
I am glad you are here Rosie! I know you will find a lot of warmth and wisdom here!
Just know that I am so sorry for your situation!
...thinking of you...
Jenn

[JenMac]

Rosie,
Strangely enough, I have not had a lot of anger. More hurt than anger, for me. But then again, I have heard it said that anger is hurt turned outward and that makes a lot of sense to me.
My journal is 'What am I feeling at this moment?'
I am glad you are here!
Talk again soon!
Jenn

[Hopeful]

Hi rosie,

There are so many parts of your posts that I can identify with and I am so sorry you have to be here but it certainly is the place to help you gain your strength and yourself back.

When I read that he doesn't know what he wants from his marriage it made me think back to the beginning of this year....We've been married 31 years and before discovery in March, 3 times I had asked him if there was another woman. Three times he asked me if I wanted him to leave. I had to choose my words carefully, I find that I had to do that quite often over the years. The last time I told him that if he ever asked me that again I would personally pack his bags for him. But then I discovered the real truth of what was going on.
I just asked H a few weeks ago...what would he have done if I had said "yes, I want you to leave". He said that now that scares the heck out of him. When he asked me that question before he was just deflecting and kind of threatening me because "in his mind" he was not cheating on me, there was no other "real" woman. I really don't think he knew what he wanted from his marriage either.
He didn't want to admit that he was a PA in the beginning. I emailed him some of the posts from a few of the PA's here and slowly he would read them and even though it was tough for him, he has realized the extent of the damage this has done to our lives.
Especially to himself.
The way I see it is, you wouldn't be here if you didn't love him and want to give him a chance to become the man you married again. This is why we are all here.
He can "see the light" but it might take a little while a first....it's a tough road and after almost 9 months I can tell you that with a lot of hard work on both sides, a lot of talking, a lot of crying and a lot of reading, it will get better.
Keep posting rosie, it does help to get all of that out of your mind and heart and we are all here to help.

[JenMac]

HI Rosie!
Wow you have been busy! That is good. Pouring out your feelings that you have kept pent up is rather freeing, is it not?
In the beginning, I decided to make no decision, to give it time. I believe, making no decision is in fact a decision.
What you are experiencing, what your H is experiencing, will change with time. As you move along your paths to recovery, there will be a lot of learning, a lot of rebuilding, if you choose to rebuild. What your H may be thinking and feeling at this time, will no doubt change drastically. It has too as he is likely still very much immersed in the fog of P.
Your anger can serve a purpose. It can give you strength. It can give you the power that is necessary to move forward. But be careful, it can also keep you stuck, make you bitter as well. Recognize your anger for what it is, it is a feeling, it is a response to a traumatizing period of your life.
As for your H being selfish in his healing, I did not find that to be the case in our situation. There are some programs that suggest the addict needs to be selfish and heal themselves first but for me, I needed things from my H and I was very open about telling him what it was that I needed. I still am. That was so critical for me, that he was there for me. It is a good sign that your H was affected by your words. Again the power of the written word is awesome. HOnest communication is so very important in all of this. We have learned so much about that very thing through this time.
It was also good for my H when he started here, that he could see I was not alone in my response to this. He could see that all others experienced what I did. That was a surprise to him somewhat, I think.
Rosie, I am glad you now have this outlet! You are not alone in what you are feeling, thinking, experiencing! You are not crazy! We have all been there! You will find many here to comfort and encourage you, to listen to your rants, to offer a shoulder when you need it.
...thinking of you...
When new people arrive, it can take me back right to the beginning of what I was experiencing. I remember...as hard as it is, I remember...
Jenn

[Hopeful]

He really listened. I felt true empathy. I have never felt empathy like that from him when the problem is him, he has never ever listened to my pain and felt it like this. Ever. He has always deflected, denied, blamed and attacked. And so what I felt afterwards, was amazing. I felt so relieved and lighter, so much less angry, and much more fond of him (yes, I know.. rollercoaster). .
:)

rosie,

This is so good to hear and such an important part in starting the recovery for both of you.

Hope you have a nice day!!

[Charly22]

Your posts of all your feelings and hurt and anger really touch close to my heart, and I am envious that you were able to spill it out in such a way. I am able to recognize and relate with every single feeling you have had to deal with.

It is an inspiring thing you are doing.

I too, lived in that fog. Never talked to anyone about this. Suppressed how I was truly feeling, afraid of his rejection, only seeking his approval. I did it for so long, now that I feel the need to express what I buried, sometimes I think it is too far buried..and I struggle.

Another thread, talking about the impact on the performers in p, I mentioned what it does to a woman. A woman wants to seek her husbands approval, his love, his favor. So, when her husband is led astray...and she is only trying to follow him, seek his approval, acceptance, it is no wonder we've all ended up where we are.

Thank you for sharing....

[mell]

Hi Rosie and a belated welcome to TTF. I am a PA.

I just wanted to thank you for your courage to post your feelings. I find myself on the other side of a lot of your posts. What I have done, where I have been, who I have been.

I don't know where you are at right now but I can tell you that recovery is possible. It can only come through hard work. Has your H looked into 12 step groups? SAA and SA have been a huge help for me over the years, but the addict has to want recovery.

Wishing the best for both of you.

[Crisodian]

As much as I want transparency, I hate what I hear. It's a hopeless cycle of hurt for healing, and healing for hurt. On and on it goes.

Rosie,
First a belated welcome to TTF. I am the SO of a PA in recovery for over a year now.

The emotional ride. Some call it a roller coaster with screaming fast hills that go way up high and furiously drop to the bottom. Some call it a carousel. It goes round and round and round and up and down and up and down and there's not a simple way to get off the ride.

*hugs*

There's no nice way to handle the emotional vomit that comes with PA discovery or healing. It gets better with time. The ride slows down. The dips become less frequent and not so severe. But it still happens.

You're not alone. All the SOs here have been on the same ride, some still are, and others are headed towards the exit, but we've all been there.

IMO, I think one of the biggest challenges of this phase is the simple fact that our husband's didn't "see" or didn't "get" what PA was doing to us, to them, to our marriages, to our lives. Time helps that. Support and healing from others who have walked the path help, a lot. I should add, that it doesn't mean you have to be supportive 100% of the time.

I'm glad you both found your way to TTF and I hope both of you find the path to healing.

Find peace,
~C~

[NewHope10]

A belated welcome from me too, Rosie...

I am an SO or a PA in recover for just over three months.

From all the posts I've read of yours since yesterday - I see that you have jumped into TTF and your recovery with both feet! Good for you! I really believe that what you get out of it has a lot to do with what you put into it.

I'm beginning to see some SO's opening up about teen-P. Yes...that is (I think) tougher to process than anything else - although its all difficult to process and deal with no matter what out H's have been looking at.

Its all a tough road and Crisodian is right...the road to recovery is very bumpy...hilly...curvy! It does get better, Rosie! It all takes time.

I'm glad you found TTF! Keep coming back!