Recently aware of spouses PA

[muralmom]

Hello, I'm new to the site and very emotional as I've only known about my husband's addiction for 3 days. I'm crushed that he hasn't wanted me...we have only been intimate 3 times in 5 years and I thought it was because we adopted older kids and he had an E.D. problem from stress. We have been married for 18 years and been through so many hardships together which would draw us closer together in the first ten years of marriage. Now even with all of the stress and disappointments of life, I was still madly in love with him and tried to be intimate on many occasions- and now I'm just embarrassed at the thought of how I must have looked and sounded while trying to please him...he must have been disgusted. I'm so depressed and feel so stupid and betrayed. I have to walk around and pretend everything is normal in front of my kids who are both old enough to know if something is wrong with me. Our children are from Russia and have been through such poverty and despair in their young lives that I'm resentful to my husband for causing our family more stress and I will not let it affect our kids. So I am burdened with trying to appear normal when I'm so sad and my heart is broken.

I've thought "why couldn't he be an alcoholic" at least then I could tell my kids that Papa has a problem and they wouldn't think I'm just a depressed crazy lady.

I cry for most of the day because the thought that I will never have honest, loving hands on my body again kills me. Even if he gets better...he still prefers something else and would be settling for me.
I'm hopeless and I reflect on when I was a teenager and I had a bout of depression and had thoughts of suicide...if I only knew what my life would amount to someday,...I would have just done it. A life without love and my best friend is no life for me. My parents know and are supportive but I can't tell them how low I am because they do what all parents do and just tell me I'm wonderful. :((I need a friend right now and don't want to bother anyone I know because this is so embarrassing.

[JenMac]

Hi MM!
I am glad that you are here! I credit you with being able to reach out at this point when everything is so new and fresh. Those times are so tough! I remember well!
I am so glad that you found your way here! This site has been a Godsend to me first and then to my H as well. I know you will find much support and encouragement here from those of us who have experienced the very emotions that you are struggling with.
This is a place where you can get your thoughts and feelings out which will help you to sort your feelings and perhaps to release them, if only just a little. I, like you, have not shared this with anyone in my everyday life, so having this place to vent to, to cry to, have been HUGE in my recovery.
I have been here for almost 8 months now and I will tell you that it will get better but it will take time. Those first few weeks and months I was just reeling from the shock and pain.
I hope you are able to come here often. Remember that you need to look after your needs first and foremost or you will be no good to anyone.
It was suggested to me to write a letter to my H expressing how this affected me. I wasn't able to do that right away but I did do it after the first few weeks and it helped tremendously. I am also a person who likes to write things down. I have always found it therapeutic in a sense, like I am letting go.
I am sorry for this pain and sorrow in your life MM!
Praying for you and sending you huge hugs!
(bighug)
Jenn

[NewHope10]

I'm hopeless and I reflect on when I was a teenager and I had a bout of depression and had thoughts of suicide...if I only knew what my life would amount to someday,...I would have just done it. A life without love and my best friend is no life for me. My parents know and are supportive but I can't tell them how low I am because they do what all parents do and just tell me I'm wonderful. :((I need a friend right now and don't want to bother anyone I know because this is so embarrassing.

I bet those wonderful children you adopted are very happy that you didn't do it (suicide) - and that you were there to take them in and love them! I imagine that you have been such a blessing to them!

Hi MM...I am an SO of a PA. I'm sorry for the reasons you find yourself here, but am happy that you had the courage to join up and post something! You may not feel like it...but that took a great deal of strength.

I know the beating that PA can have on our minds, souls, hearts, self-worth and self-esteem (to name but a few). I remember just thre days after the last discovery (almost three months ago)...and it felt like I was dead inside. Like I was just going through the motions of getting through each day (or hour...or minute). I felt hopeless and lost - full of anger and hurt and numbness. I remember thinking "am I going to get through this?". By chance...can you relate to any of this?

I guess one of the points I'm making is this: you are not alone. We understand what you are going through and how you are feeling. To this day, it gives me relief that I'm not alone and I'm notthe only one with these thoughts and feelings. If you read the other SO journals, I think you will see what I mean.

Jenn gave some great advice above! Keep coming back,MM. We are here for you! Its comforting to know that we can talk about this here on TTF - when there is nobody else in our lives to talk to.

My thoughts are with you!!!

[Cupcakemomma]

I need a friend right now and don't want to bother anyone I know because this is so embarrassing.

This place is FULL of friends waiting to listen :) :D>:D<

[Hopeful59]

Hi Muralmom:

You've joined a community here that understands EXACTLY what you are going through. We've all been through similar experiences. Not fun. None of us want to me here.

Two things I will say: No man is worth prison time (yep, I've had fantasies (not serious ones) about doing harm to my H. Also no man is worth suicide.

I well understand the hurt, the pain of betray and rejection you are feeling. My H also went for years where he barely touched me. Often when he did try, well the equipment didn't work. I just figured he wasn't interested when in reality he was getting his fix elsewhere. Men who spend all their sexual energy MB to porn don't have anything left for their wives. Not our fault.

I hope that your H values your marriage and will be willing to work towards recovery. Have you confronted your spouse yet? That is difficult I know. I initially told my spouse I knew, then later sent him an email outlining everything I knew, how it made me feel, that I considered it adultery and that I would not tolerate it - THAT got the point across. Confrontation is not easy, but very necessary.

[Hopeful59]

Muralmom:

I forgot to add that you would be surprised at how many women (probably a lot of your friends) have struggled with this issue as well. I confided in my sister and a couple of friends. My sister told me she had a similar issue with her husband and he got them THOUSANDS of dollars in debt as a result of their addiction. Happy ending - he quit and is p-free. One of my work pals told me she found out her husband was gay because she kept finding gay porn. Divorced - can't do much with that! And yet another friend admitted her husband also had a history of meth and porn use. So, you are NOT alone.

Sadly and unfortunately, there are lots of women in your shoes. The Internet has made this junk all too readily available and easy to access.

Also, please view your H's p-use as the addiction it is rather than a personal reflection on you. Although I hate my H's p-use and hate the idea that he has been sexual with all those women, I refuse to let it make me feel like I'm ugly or undeserving or not good enough. He's the one with the problem and believe me, he's not a buff stud - not even close!

[muralmom]

I must look like the walking dead because I was in the local paint store and I walked up to the counter and the man said to me.."you know depression can cause mouth sores? I didn't know that". I had no idea strangers could tell I was so low just by looking at me. Your advice is great and I think the problem is when my mind is punishing myself every waking hour and having damaging dreams while I sleep, I just can't look anyone in the eye or I will cry- so low I go. I can't think about anything other than where my life is going to end up. I had dreams and they all included him. I tried to join a support group at my church but the "women with low self worth" group meets in Sept. and then is a closed group throughout the year! How's that grab ya?! My husband does stand-up comedy and that would be funny if it weren't so pathetic.
I still can't bring myself to talk to him about anything other than what we have to get done for the house and kids. We are supposed to put Decorations up Sunday and I'm panicking inside, sweaty palms and all because I hope I can pull it off for the kids. I don't lie, I'm not good at it.It sickens me. I haven't had more than a bite of food every time I try to eat for the past 4 + days, I'm sick to my stomach.

[muralmom]

Dear Hopeful, I found a video downloaded on our main FAMILY computer which is hooked up to our 42" to watch internet tv and save on cable. I did confront him and he replied with "I think I may have a problem"- this was the night after I found him MB in our glass door shower (I got up earlier for some reason). I was laying just 10 feet away and he couldn't come to me for that? So hurtful- he had no visual aid in the shower- why would he do that if it's a P addiction? Anybody? It's not like we haven't had conversations about intimacy and what I'm willing to do to have him close to me.

[JenMac]

Hi MM.
Why would he MB without a visual? Well so many here talk of it living in their mind. The images stay with them and they can call them up at any time. So it is still a PA issue.
It is good that he recognised that he 'may' have a problem. That is a starting point.
You talk about how low you feel and how you need to try to pull it together and pretend things are okay. I know this may feel necessary for your children but you need to allow yourself this time to grieve because that is exactly what this is. You are grieving for the life, the husband you thought you had. Immense sorrow. That is what I remember experiencing. Absolutely no energy, no desire to do ANYTHING. It took me about 6 months before I felt that coming back to me. You have only been a few days. Go easy on yourself! Don't expect big things from yourself. I know that may not be easy with the kids but perhaps you could explain to them that you are experiencing some sorrow in your life without completely explaining it. You will know best about what you can tell them. I do know though that you need to give yourself time and look after yourself through this time.
My first journal entries in my personal journal (not TTF) spoke very much about what you are experiencing. I even warned myself to be careful about depression because I felt burdened down by sorrow, very heavy with sadness, absolutely no energy etc. This is normal, I believe, for the trauma you have experienced.
The talking with your H will come. It has to. In the meantime, write down your feelings, decide on your boundaries, what you will accept and what you will not. You will become stronger over time. I knew I needed to get stronger to care for myself whether my marriage survived or not.
Read up on PA. It will be helpful to you to recognize what it is they are battling. Once we knew what we were up against, it was evident that we needed a plan of recovery for both of us.
I am so glad you are here!
You are where you need to be.
Hugs,
Jenn

[Life-lies-trust]

MM,
HUGS because you need one.
Your statement about closed group I also found that type of listing for recovery groups. It is never explained but since I have join a group that is closed I now have the insight as to what it means. You may want to check if what the closed on the group means that only those who suffer are aloud to attend. Most recovery groups define closed as not being open to just anyone attending the meeting (meaning anyone can sit in and take notes for any reason). Closed being only open to those who the group goal is to help can attend.

Second this has NOTHING TO DO with you. Believe me this is difficult to grasp. I found out last year on December before 22. When I was had to report that he had looked at porn at work. Then 30 years of he would rather MB than touch me came to a head. He would not touch me or would do as my dad would explain it as wham, bam, thank you mam. I did not matter to him and that was all that I could think about. YOU have done NOTHING to be here YOU have done NOTHING to make him look at P. HE has made the choices, he has decide to do what he wanted. He made the choices and you have been nuts in trying to reach out to an addict that does not want any REAL person to respond to him.

SO again this is not about you but about HIM and HIS ISSUES. Yes your self esteem is in the toilet but you have NEVER deserve this.